A spicy monkey came in the mail. If only you could be here to see it.





Ronan. I haven’t cried much while being here at Nana and Papa’s. This distresses me. It makes me scared that this pain is becoming less and less and I don’t want it to be. This pain keeps me connected to you. This pain motivates me. This pain, has become my friend and I don’t want my friend to go away. It makes me think that somehow, I am starting to forget pieces of you and that scares the shit out of me. I don’t want to forget any part of you. I don’t want you to ever become a distant memory of what my life was like, a long time ago when you were here.

I miss so everything about you. I miss kissing your sweet little lips. I miss bathing your little body. I miss dressing you up like the little old British man that you loved to be. I miss tucking you in and having you wake me up in the mornings. I miss hearing you tell me, “You’re so cute!” or “You’re my best friend, mama. I love you so much.” I miss our whispers about life. I can’t believe you just closed your eyes to go to sleep and never wake up again.

I’m still here. Doing all these weird, normal things in life, without you. The teaching your brothers all the things I would have taught you. The giving your Poppy sister the million kisses that you would have given her. The watching of certain people in our lives who are literally just throwing it away, and pissing all over it.

All while I sit back and just stare with my mouth gaping open. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, “What is wrong with you, you ungrateful people of the world?! Don’t you remember that little boy? That beautiful little boy who would give anything to be here to live a life?! Don’t you remember how you watched me watch him die? How you watched death swoop in and steal him away as everyone around fought their hardest to keep him here? How can you be living this way? This selfish way of hurting yourself and the others who love you and have done nothing but try to support you and love you. You are here, you are alive, and Ronan can’t be, but this is how you honor him? By taking for granted the breath that you breathe and the life that you are so LUCKY to live? How hurtful that is to watch. How I feel like my guts are being ripped out from the insides as I silently scream to myself. How dare you take such a precious thing, for granted. Don’t you remember that little boy who you so claimed to love? Well, he is dead and you are alive and this is how you give thanks to being reminded of how precious life really is.”

I will never understand this. I get that everyone has their demons. I get that everyone has their “stuff” but I’m about fed up with the excuses being made to why a life is just here to be wasted.

Ronan, you should be here. I know you would have appreciated every single second and not wasted a minute on a poor fucking me pity party. You fucking had cancer and that never even caused you to have a poor me pity party day. You were always too proud to feel sorry for yourself. You were more man than half of the grown adult men I’ve known in my life at the age of 3. That speaks volumes.

I just bawled my eyes out writing everything above which is what I’ve been needing to do. I always do the most crying when I am writing which is why it’s not good for me to take breaks from this blog for so long. The book writing is different and I don’t seem to cry as often when I am writing it. I’m also just passed your diagnoses and that didn’t really make me cry, it only made me vomit uncontrollably for most of the night. Only on this blog do the snotty, ugly faced, can’t see out of my eyes, tears pour down my cheeks. I’m sure the further I get with this book, the more the tears will come.

I’m feeling a little better now except I’m all of a sudden so tired I can hardly hold my eyes open, but I will continue on.

Back to this life that is here now that I live without you. I’ll tell you the stories of the days filled with your brothers and Poppy. How Liam now runs to my car door before I get into the driver’s seat to open it for me. Just out of the blue, he started doing this and now he does it every time I get in my car. I know your daddy taught him this or explained the rules to him on “How to be a gentleman.” Or maybe Liam just picked it up from always watching your daddy do it for me. It used to annoy the shit out of me. Like I was up on my high horse screaming, “I’m a feminist! I’m independent! I DON’T need my car door opened!” I’m come off that high horse and just let myself appreciate how lucky I am to have a daddy like yours who doesn’t let the little things, get lost.

Quinn has been doing a great job of helping to fill your shoes and take care of me. He always seems to be right by my side, making sure I’m o.k. “How are you feeling, mom. Are you o.k. today, mom? Is there anything else I can help you with, mom?” He may be asking these things while pounding Liam over the head (there has been a lot of fighting lately it seems) but he is still asking.

And then there is your Poppy sister. Everyday she reminds me of you. Her eyes are getting bluer and bluer by the day. I’m holding my breath that they will stay blue. I know in the big world scheme of things, it doesn’t matter, but my gawd that would be nice.

Today was one of those days where I felt so inspired and so giddy by the things I see going on in the world/all the good people out there that it left my head spinning.

I got a Fed Ex package and squealed with delight as Quinn brought it to me. I ripped it open to find something I have been waiting for, very impatiently, for days. Your very own SpirtHood! I burst out into tears as I examined it and watched Quinn put it on his head. I contacted SpirtHoods about a year ago telling them how much you loved yours, asked them if they would donate some to us to hand out for all the sweet bald-headed kids on the cancer floor and that lead to this.

“I was wondering if you would consider making a Spicy Monkey SpirtHood in honor of Ronan with a portion of the proceeds going to his foundation.”

We talked about what it would look like and decided that the inside would be purple for you and there would also be a big fat Gold Ribbon for childhood cancer on the inside as well.

The owner of SpirtHoods, Chase, was on board immediately. I was excited then. I am over the moon exited, now. To actually physically have the sample in my hands today felt so amazing. Like it was actual hard proof that your little short life, is so impactful. I emailed Chase back and told him thank you so much for not only supporting you, Ronan, but for all the awareness this will bring for these kids who so desperately need it. Not to mention, all the bald headed babes they are going to help keep warm in the artic tundra of hospitals. I’m so excited and so proud to be a part of something that I know you would have loved. It may seem like a small feat in the grand scheme of things, Ro, but to me, it means the world.

This is all I can do tonight, little man. I need to blog about so much more!

OMG! Like our GOLD PARTY September 28th that Bret Michaels is throwing with us. I promise more details soon on that!

And OMG! The family pictures we had taken today, minus our family because it was just me, Poppy, and your brothers. It felt so weird, but I got through it as best as I could. I need to brag my life away about the sweet soul who took our pictures, etc….

I promise to do so, soon. I am just too wiped to do so as of now. Have to get some shut-eye.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.



20 responses to “A spicy monkey came in the mail. If only you could be here to see it.”

  1. Hi Maya,

    Ronan is a miracle to all of us he has truly shown us how to live. :). Your are an amazing woman please, don’t forget this. You have changed thousands of lives out there. I know you will understand this so please forgive me if i offend. Their is a little boy Christian Buchanan who has a rare condition not sure if anyone is aware if this? Hisand fundraiser ends tomorrow on GiveForward. Maya I know you will understand me mentioning this, sorry if I offend. So if anyone would like to donate please do it will help with his medical cost. Sending love out there on the blogosphere. Xoxo.

  2. I really love you Maya…you are amazing.

  3. Maya, I’m so sorry your beautiful, sweet, amazing, giant of a spicy monkey man is not with you. And I personally want to say sorry to you and your family and to Ronan for the many times I have behaved in the selfish ways you describe. I’m a cancer survivor myself and should know better. Please forgive me. I’ll try harder every day to be a better person.

  4. How can we support the foundation and get a Spirithood?? Please before they sell out I need 3 THANKS!! You inspire me everyday

  5. Where can we get a Spirithood with the Spicy Monkey to support the Foundation? They sound really cool and I need 3, before they sell out. I checked their site and did not see them, do you have a link on yours? You inspire me everyday :o) That Poppy girl sure does look like Ronan.

  6. Maya, don’t you worry, you and Ronan and your beautiful family have touched my life and made me appreciate the smallest things in the world like I have never appreciated before. You guys inspire me everyday. Your blog is the first thing I look at when I get to work (hehe) to remind me that life is extremely precious and needs to be handle with the utmost care and respect. I keep my fingers crossed that one day we will bump into each other on the nitty gritty subways of NYC. I’m thinking Poppy needs her very own metrocard and a touristy picture in Times Square 😉 .


  7. Maya, you never fail to bring tears to my eyes, But with those tears comes a deeper appreciation for the breath that I am given everyday.I believe that you and Ronan will someday have the power to love the whole world.

  8. BRET MICHAELS , how cool he seems to be a very caring person Looking forward to the details and DETAILS ON SPICY MONKEY SPIRITHOOD :O) How we can get one.

  9. Here you are writing for me once again….I have been quiet as hell has happened in my life. Alex’s best friend who he rode dirt bikes with named John was driving his motorcycle with his friend Joey on back. They went to pass a car and saw 4 motorcyles coming at them. They didn’t get back in, flew off the bike which slammed into the bikers. Joey died instantly and John in critical with so many injuries. 3rd friend to die in the Class of 2013 and John was charged for vehicular manslaughter and reckless driving. The funeral was HORRIBLE and the worse thing after is my daughter was the nurse for the lady on the bike and because of hippa… blah blah blah and all went through her hospital that she had to listen to all of the talk…I found this Poppy sign for you in California! 🙂 later


  10. I love the Spicy Monkey Spirithood. It is so cool. I can’t wait to get one for my grandson.

    I want to come to the Gold Party. I’m from Prairie Village, Kansas so I doubt I will make it but I can’t wait to hear all about it. Yea for Brett Michaels.

  11. Maya, this post took my breath away. And a few tears were shed! I’m sorry that the so-called friends are not supportive, I know that I have been more grateful for every day because of your blog. I have so much respect and admiration for you. You are changing this world and fuck those who don’t like it!

    Poppy girl is precious! I love seeing her pictures on IG! They make my day! I can only imagine how you felt opening that package! It would be something that would mean the world to me! I hope that make enough for all of us!

    By the way, there’s a picture of the SpiritHood on her Instagram page.

  12. I think of Ronan every day, how could I not? Your blog has made me appreciate everything in my life so much more than I did. I think people forget too easily how precious the little things are. I am glad to hear your sons are becoming caring gentlemen, there aren’t enough in this world. Poppy is a lucky girl to have 3 lovely, strong, kind brothers to look up to.

    Don’t feel sad that you are feeling less pain at the moment. Ronan brought you happiness and has given you Poppy so you can find some peace, I’m guessing he wants you to be with him through happiness instead of tears. He will never leave you, and you will never forget him or the little things that he does that make you love him so much.

    PS your Instagram pictures are beautiful, thanks for sharing!

  13. This post had me in tears. Rolling tears. I can hear Ronan’s sweet, squeaky voice telling you you’re cute and that you’re his best friend/he loves you. Makes me think of the video you posted of him on the elevator while in the hospital. I don’t know how anyone who sees this boy’s pictures could do anything but fall in love. Your sweet love story reminds me of that with my own son. I guess thats why it makes me cry so much to watch the videos/see the love you shared. Thank you for reminding me to embrace every single moment I am blessed to have with him and my daughter.
    You are so so awesome, Maya ♡

  14. Melissa Toney Vendt Avatar
    Melissa Toney Vendt

    Your grief is unending as is your love for your spicy monkey Ronan. This reprieve from tears–is only that–less tears. It doesn’t mean less love, less grief, less pain, less sadness. There is an infinite amount of these things in your heart and soul forever, right Mama?! I just think Ronan knows you best of all and HE knew reprieve from tears was in order..not only for you–but for Liam, Quinn, and Poppy. Ro knows best. Always. Love to you, Poppy, Liam, Quinn, Woody, and of course Ronan. Always love for Ronan.

  15. Thank you for this post. I have the same relationship with my grief/pain since my sons died (almost 8 years ago and 3 1/2 years ago). It has become part of me but it changes. There are not as many tears for me either. I battle with time – it brings me further from the last time I held them but maybe it brings me closer to being with them again.

    The Spicy Monkey Spirithoods sound fantastic. I will look for the link to donate them. Or is it best just to donate to the Ronan Foundation? Sending you hope and hugs.

    FU CANCER!!!

  16. When I write its like reliving those painful emotions… Makes me cry too… I can watch or read the same movies or books over and over… They make me cry everytime… Real life things… Just the way it is. But when you cry less just a different part of greiving is bearing its head… Mostly ugly head!

  17. Maya, it is posts like these that make me so thankful that I stumbled upon your blog a while ago (by googleing foster the people lyrics, I might add!). The world is a mysterious thing. I’ve come back to these words of yours a couple times now, and I just wanted you to know how inspiring you are, and how much you and Ronan are making this world a better place. Its a good day every time I see that there are new posts from you; best of luck in everything you are doing Maya. I can’t wait for your book, and I am so proud to be a RoLovie. 🙂

    Anna Evangeline

  18. RoMama,
    Love the spicy monkey spirit hood. Want one! Can’t wait! Will donate to Ro’s foundation! Always rolove! XO
    Poppy is gorgeous!
    Quinn & Liam are both lil men. Taking care of their mama!

  19. hey Maya i’ve been following your blog for a while now. i have a 2 year old son Russell and as a mother I totally agree that cancer is a total f#@K wad!!!! I honestly think you are one of the most amazing mom’s ever for doing all that you have for Ronan. I am admistrator at a child care center and last year we held a pop tab drive to raise money for children with cancer in honor of a little boy named Jaxson and this year I plan to do the same and hopefully more.

  20. Stay connected through the positive times with Ronan (like the I love you mommy’s in the elevator) and the love of your family. You were the best anybody could have been for him during the most terrible of times, we know that and Ronan knows that.

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