26 months without you


Ronan. Today being 26 months without you, made me want to hide in my bed all day long. Your baby sister woke me up this morning at exactly 3:23 a.m., just minutes before you died, to eat. How does she already know everything at just 12 weeks old? How did she know at that moment, I needed a reminder that even though you are gone, you are still with us at all times? She is already so wise beyond her years.

I wanted to hide in bed all day and do nothing but sleep, sleep, sleep. I didn’t. I played with your brothers, instead. I went for a hike with your Papa Jim, your brothers, Poppy and Jady girl. I decorated some trees with your bracelets like I always do when I am hiking or out and about at places I know you would love to be with us.

I’m sorry I haven’t been writing to you on this blog. It makes me so sad that I have so much going on, that it seems to take away time from my quiet time, writing to you. Days are filled with me making sure your brothers are enjoying their summer as much as possible and bonding with your Poppy sister by making her smile and laugh as much as I can. The quiet time I have to myself which is really late at night after everyone is asleep has been spent working on this book. I have been having a war inside my head with myself about it. I swear I am my own worst enemy. I’m constantly doing the second guessing, the what if it’s not good enough, what if I don’t make him proud. A wise little editors words haunt my  head… “Remember, besides having kids, this is going to be the most permanent thing you do in life.” No pressure at all. The hardest part has been figuring out where to start, but I did it. It’s kind of like jumping off of a cliff. Sometimes you just have to close your eyes, follow your heart and take a huge leap of faith. I seem to be finding my words easily and so far, I have not had to go back to reference my blog at all. I’m sure there will come a point when I have to do that, but for now I seem to be doing just fine without having to reread my painful words. I know the inspiration I am finding all comes from you, so thank you once again, little man.

I’m going to keep this short and sweet tonight as I need to get some writing done for a few hours before my eyes fall too heavy to see the computer screen. I hate 26 months without you. I’m so sorry. I miss you so much that it makes me sick. I am doing my best even though I still have days where I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep for a very long time. I can’t do that to you though. We have too many things to get done here.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.


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9 responses to “26 months without you”

  1. Maya,

    You’ve accomplished so many things in the last 26 months. This book will be added to your long list of achievements, along with many more to follow after it’s been published. Just write from your heart, just as you do on your blog, and without a doubt you’ll captivate the world with your story once again.

    I’ve been thinking of Ronan a lot today, but that’s nothing new. You both have inspired me and changed my life in so many ways. I know these words will never bring Ronan back, but they’re true all the same.

    I sent you a poem a few months back on the 9th. It’s long, but I hope you had the chance to read it. It’s about treading through your grief and sadness but still finding beautiful glimmers of hope along the way.

    Love you.

  2. A young sister of Ronan so beautiful dear so wonderful
    congratulations to you dear

    Love Ajay

  3. RoMama,
    Poppy is your mini-means Ronan’s!
    Beautiful! And getting so big! Chunky monkey!
    I sent you a DM in twitter and a pic. Saw a phone case and it reminded me of you & Ro. Skulls, stars and sparkles.
    I’m sure your book will be amazing. A true love story that lives on and on forever & ever. Beautiful just like Rockstar Ro! XO
    Continue to enjoy your summer in WA with your family! You so deserve it!

  4. thalackerkc@yahoo.com Avatar

    Have you ever seen Long Island medium? It has helped me tremendously with my grief and I think it would be amazing if you got the chance to meet her! You may not be about that and you might not even read my email but I think you are an inspiration and I am so sorry for your loss. You are one of the strongest people along with my family members that I know- I’ve been supporting you for years now 🙂 I love you and your family

    Sent from my iPhone

  5. marilyn benjamin Avatar
    marilyn benjamin

    Maya-thanks for sharing the wonderful family pictures-I believe in one Poppy is telling you-no, I don’t care for veggies…yet!!! Darling and delicious of your family. Love the bracelets you leave for Ronan-you are such an inspiration-thinking of you all!!

  6. Love you all. Poppy is so beautiful!

  7. Thinking of you Maya, thinking of Ronan.

  8. michelle18@ig.com.br Avatar

    I Love Rock Star Ronan! (:

  9. Photo of poppy in veggies… So funny that she was getting mad. Do you think she is telling you already she doesn’t like veggies? 🙂

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