Ronan. Tonight, I am left speechless with all the things you are doing. Let’s just say it was a day full of shock, tears, screaming, hugging, and silence to process all that has been happening. There are no words to describe all the beauty that you are leaving behind.
Tomorrow, would have been your little buddy, Ezra’s fourth birthday had Neuroblastoma not killed him. Tomorrow, his mama should be throwing a party, not wiping away her tears over her son that she misses so much. We’ve been texting back and forth a bit today. I asked her what she will do tomorrow. She said, “Tomorrow, I will dance.” Erza loved to dance, just like you. You two sound so similar.
I’m going to ask a favor of all you little lovely readers tonight. Tomorrow, please stop and take the time to be thankful for all that you have, and dance while doing so. For Ezra.
This is all I can write tonight as it was a super long day in the best way possible. Probably the best day I have had in such a long time. Thank you, Ronan for your soul which is changing this world. I’ll dance for you tomorrow, to one of your favorites… Kelis….”My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.” Or Kanye, ” Can’t tell me nothing.” And of course a little Taylor Swift, too.
I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.
Ronan. Hi. I love you.
I’ve still been really tired, but really busy. I’ve tried to take it easy. I had dinner last night with Tricia and Marisa. My two oldest friends from my oldest most perfect life that no longer exist. It has been hard to be around them since going through all of this. Hard because I know they loved you in a way that a lot of people didn’t just because of the fact that they knew you so well. It’s hard to see that raw pain in their eyes that looks a lot like my own. They both know about this baby. Marisa was one of the first people I called to tell. She is my go to gal on all things related to pregnancy. She was ecstatic over the phone, but it was even better to see her in person. She gave me a long hard hug with tears in her eyes. She gave me the listen here talk which consisted of things like, “Now, I’m here to tell you, we need to be a part of this baby. You can’t push us away anymore. I am here to say, I will stalk you at your doctor appointments, your house, the hospital…. you have to let us be a part of this. We all need this. This is such a good, positive thing for all of us. Our friendship needs this. We are not going anywhere. We are taking over.” I giggled, got teary eyed and quietly listened to my friend do what she does best which is be a jewish mother hen/best friend. I told her I knew. That of course I would let them be a part of this. I miss them so much. I told Marisa I know she has stepped back and given me my space, but I never thought she went away. Believe me. I know what it feels like to have people go away, Ro. A lot of people that used to be in my life, have. I don’t know if it’s due to the uncomfortableness of this. Due to not knowing what to do/say/or how to act. Due to me pushing. Or a combo of all things. It doesn’t really matter. All that matters is I know who is here for the long haul. The good the bad and the worst. I’ve always known our Little M was in this for everything, no matter what. I have missed my friend so much. It was a 3 hour dinner that was very much needed. I could have stayed tucked in our little table all night long with the two of them. It was a really, really good dinner. They talk about you so much, too. They are not afraid to speak your name. I so need that. I means everything to me.
Your Liam asked me today how a baby got inside my stomach. Ummm…… this was is not a story I am ready to explain to my 9-year-old. I just reacted with the first thing that came to my mind which was, “A stork.” Liam looked at me and goes, “What’s that?” Crap. Kids don’t know about storks these days. I said, “It’s a bird that leaves a baby on the porch of the house.” Liam rolled his eyes at me and goes, “That’s not true.” “You’re right, that’s not true,” I said. I then responded with, “I asked Ronan for a baby. I told him I thought it would be really nice for all of us if we could have a baby in our family.” Shit. I hope this works I thought to myself in my head. Liam just looked at me and goes, “O.k. That was really nice of him to do.” YES! I smiled at your brother. I couldn’t believe that answer worked. Saved by your Romazingness once again.
Holy hell. I am so glad this secret is out. I have hated keeping this in. It’s a breath of fresh air to be able to talk about things on here! I was so nervous to post for some reason. You all are the SWEETEST. Your kind words have truly made my night. Thanks for all the support and love, with everything. I can’t believe I have not gotten any nasty comments yet. That NEVER happens! It’s nice to know that the kind-hearted people out weigh the mean/sad people by far. You all are truly the best. Oh, and thank you to the man that came up to me today at Chelsea’s Kitchen. He was someone I didn’t know, but said he recognized me and wanted to tell me how this blog has changed his life and made him such a better dad. I never get dad’s that come up to me! It’s always moms. It meant so much to me and truly made my day. Thank you Chelsea’s Kitchens stranger:)
That was yesterday, Ro baby. Today, is here and I am beat. I woke up today, so tired. I didn’t sleep well last night. Too many things swirling through my head. I had another golf lesson today. My giant boobs are becoming a handicap and interfering with my game. Just when I was getting really good…. my professional golfing dreams might have to be put on hold. My sweet instructor tried to convince me otherwise though. We talked a lot about you today and this new baby. She said she was sick to learn of all I had been through. I told her I knew, that everybody was sick over the loss of you. My lesson was great but my energy was zapped after I left there. This baby does not like the heat. I came home to try to rest. My phone kept buzzing with text messages and emails. I had too much to do to slow down for the afternoon so I sucked it up and got a lot of things done. I was on my way over to see Katie when I pulled over to stop at A.J.’s to get us some drinks. I got a text message from Robyn, Ezra’s mom who has now become someone that I treasure so much, that knowing she is in pain, the same way that I am, destroys me. Ezra’s fourth birthday is this Friday. She should be planning it not thinking about what she is going to do, on his birthday to survive the day. She should be playing with her twin 2 and a half years olds, not just one of them. We both decided that life should not go on after this. I told her this life is a death sentence, where we are forced to stay alive. I went to go into the store, reached for my wallet and pulled out a bag of your ashes instead. This caused me to go into complete hysteria and have a total breakdown in my car where I couldn’t breathe or stop screaming and crying through my tears. I forced myself to go into A.J.s. I didn’t have my sunglasses to hide my blood-shot eyes but I didn’t care. Iced Tea’s or bust. I made it out alive, but I went in armed with my FUCK YOU stamp that my friend from Australia, Ali, sent me. I was going to stamp it on anybody that got the way of a grieving mom who should have been carrying a 5 year-old on her hip, not his ashes in her purse.
I spent the rest of the day with Katie and a got a surprise visit from Mandy Bee who just happened to stop by The Garage while I was there. We caught up and made some plans for a little event we are doing on September 20th. I’ll talk about that later as I am wiped out tonight from this day. G’nite baby doll. Sweet dreams. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Have a good party with Ezra on Friday. I know you two will do something extra spicy. I miss you so much.
Ronan. Hi. Where are you? How are you not here, snuggling with me? Somedays, I can hang out in your room and not even cry. I then think to myself, what is wrong with you? How can you be in here, and not have a full on breakdown? The love of your life is dead and he is never coming back. You are in his room with all of his things and you can sit in here, and be alright with this? Is life moving on for you, too? The way is has for everyone else? Somedays it feels this way and it is like nails on chalkboard. I don’t want my life to move on. I don’t want my life to be alright without you. That to me is so wrong. But what choice do I have? I have to have alright days once in a while in order to survive this, right? I deserve to have alright days, too. I still hate them, but I manage to get through them. Somedays I even laugh and smile. Not often, but I don’t seem to cry as much anymore. I used to cry, every single day, 10 times a day. Now the crying is less. It is not because I miss you any less but maybe because I am just so used to this pain, that I am living with it a little better.
Your daddy and I had a trip planned to L.A. this week to go to a fundraiser of some friends of ours. Our week was super busy and your daddy has been slammed at work. I have been so exhausted that I have been trying to keep up with things, but all I can really seem to do, is sleep. Your daddy looked at me on Tuesday night and said, “You sure you’re up for this? The drive to L.A. for this quick trip?” I thought about it for a few minutes. I told him I didn’t care how tired or how much I was throwing up. We were going. That our friends were counting on us and we were not going to let them down. I may have thrown in plus, “Robyn bought all this really cool stuff, to do our nails with.” He looked at me, smiled and said alright. We left Wednesday evening at 9:30 p.m. Your daddy was writing motions at his office up until then. We hopped in his car and I let him drive us for 4 hours, after he had worked about 40 hours in 3 days. It was around 1 in the morning when he finally looked at me and said, “It’s 1 a.m. we’ve still got two hours ahead of us. Let’s find a hotel and stay the night.” This was not part of our plan. “No hotel,” I said. “Pull over, I’ll drive.” “Maya, you are pregnant and tired. You are not driving.” I, of course argued with him. “I am totally fine. If I get tired, I promise I’ll tell you.” He pulled over. Into the drivers seat I went, with the music happily blaring. I love long road trips. They always give me a lot of time to think. And think I did.
I got us to Charisma’s house around 3 a.m. I looked at your daddy and said, “Please don’t try to talk me out of doing something, ever again. We are here, safe and sound.” Charisma is away shooting her T.V. show and was sweet enough to let us stay at her place, which just happened to be about 5 minutes away from the venue of the event we were going to. We crashed out pretty hard until 9 a.m. that next day. Dr. Sholler flew into town on the day of the event, that Thursday, and we picked her up at the airport. It’s always a treat to spend time with her. We spend much of the evening, catching up with her and everything that we/she has going on. You know the question I asked her, of course. How could I not?
“You know what I’m going to ask you. What if this baby, has Neuroblastoma as well. I am so scared about that.”
She looked at me in that thoughtful way that she always does. I could literally see her thinking, before speaking, which is something that means so much to me.
“Maya. This baby is not going to have Neuroblastoma. That is unheard of. But I know what you are thinking… that lighting has already struck once. I understand your thought process, but I am telling you, this baby is going to be fine.
I was trying my hardest not to throw my head down on the table and cry. I let myself trust in her words. I cannot believe she never had the chance to meet you are help you. She would have been our best shot at this beast. I know this with all of my heart. That woman has something so different about her, that I will spend the rest of my life supporting her, helping her, and making all of her dreams come true. I know she is going to be the one, to fix this disease. I can feel it in my bones. I believe with my whole heart that she is truly in this, to cure these kids. This is not about money to her. This is not about anything other then her wanting to save these kids. She cares so much. You would not have been just another lab rat to her. You would not have died in the name of research with her. You would not have been just another number and we would not have been tossed out on the streets, to never been checked on again. Fucking assholes.
We went to the event to support our friends. They did an awesome job and I am so proud of them. We are all in this, together. That’s how things will get done. That’s how things will change. It was hard for me to be at this event, I won’t lie. I spent a lot of the night, wiping away the tears. I wished this wasn’t Robyn and Kyle’s story, as much as I wish it wasn’t ours. They are hands down, one of the most amazing couples I’ve ever met in my life. We share a special awful bond that nobody should ever share. They will be our forever friends and you and Ezra, are going to help us do amazing things. I know this, no matter how many people doubt me. No matter how many people tell me, I’m crazy, this can’t be done, it’s too hard. It can be done and it will be done. You fucking died. Kids are fucking dying everyday from childhood cancer. You fought with everything you had to stay here. So, please, tell me again how nothing will change how this world is too hard to fix how nobody will believe in this or trust this or can do this. Tell me that again and I will say to you what I tell myself over and over and over every single day. I have to live every single day without Ronan. If I can do that, I can achieve anything I set my mind to. I know what I am doing. I have a very specific plan and it will get done. I can change this world. It will change. If you knew my son, you would know this, too. I believe in the power of our love. It is the power of our love, that keeps me from doubting anything, Ronan. A love so powerful that the unthinkable can and will be done. I know this in my heart. I know this in my soul. I know this with everything I am.
We drove home Friday just in time to meet some people for dinner at Chelsea’s Kitchen. Some wonderful people who share our same thoughts and visions. Some wonderful people who believe in you and this cause, as much as I do. That’s all I need, Ro. Is people that believe. I spent much of the evening going over our master plan. I spent much of the evening, listening to the advice and help that I so desperately need. I spent much of the evening, feeling thankful for the people that you are putting in our path. I don’t believe in coincidences. This is all you, working away with only the BEST people to help us on this adventure of ours. Thank you for that.
I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. G’nite my spicy monkey boy.
Ronan. Hi. Oy! I got through today despite my tiredness. I spent the morning, doing really important things like seeing my favorite lap dance ass shaker friend who just happens to be a hairdresser and likes to braid my hair. I then came home after seeing her and crashed out on our couch. I didn’t mean to. I had the candy cart at PCH to do, but I knew if I didn’t rest, I wouldn’t make it through the day or night. This pregnancy is leaving me so exhausted and nausea… I feel like I do when I was pregnant with Liam and Quinn. Twins? Again? I’ve thought about it. I think it would be bloody awesome. We will know for sure on September 4th when I go for my first ultrasound. I don’t care either way, just as long as everything looks good. September 4th cannot get here soon enough.
I went down to PCH today to do your candy cart. The same one, that we did for your Ronan’s Day of Love, except I wasn’t there for it. I was planning on going, today. I think a few of my board members were really worried that I wasn’t going to be o.k. I kept telling them, “I got this. I’m totally fine. I will be FINE.” I got to the hospital and started setting everything up. We blew up balloons and filled up your RoWagon with a ton of candy. I sat down, as much as possible while blowing up the balloons. I told you I am freaking tired. I can’t even be on my feet for too long. After everything was ready, we headed upstairs to the Oncology floor. Your playroom Cathy, was there to meet us. I was so glad for her friendly familiar face. She lead us around the entire time. I pulled the wagon and got to go into a lot of the rooms. You should have seen the look on the kids’ faces. Smiles so big I swear it lit up my entire black heart. Some were shy at first, only taking a few pieces of candy. That didn’t last long, once we told them they could take as much as they wanted. I heard things like, “For real?! Is this for free?” I smiled and happily said yes. Everyone was so kind, thankful, and it made me happy, seeing the looks on their faces. I ran into some of our old favorite nurses. It was good to see them, but hard too. They all gave me big hugs and asked how I was doing. I said what I usually always say which is, “Alright. Just alright. Always one day at a time.” I did well on the floor today. I told you, it’s the world that I am meant to live in now. It’s the only world I feel like I belong in. Thank you so much to Bonnie at PCH for being so helpful and kind. Thank you to my lovely little board members and my other two little friends who helped on the floor today, Kassie and Erin. Good souls and your spirit got me through the day, Ronan. I smiled a lot. It was only after I got into my car and ended up in a parking lot somewhere that I let the tears fall and I sobbed like a baby. Not just for you, but for all the kids on the floor today, who are going through this hell and who deserve so much better. I wish today did not have to exist, but it does and probably always will. All I can do is try my hardest to fix it and make it a little better, even if on some days it just means pushing around your little cart full of all of your favorite treats.
It’s raining now. Pouring down rain. Of course it is. I hear your tears. They sound exactly like mine.
I love you, Ronan. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.
Ronan. I know what I’ve been doing. Trying to live this life the best I can, without you. This means a ton of busy foundation work, a ton of taking care of your brothers, the way they deserve to be taken care of, a ton of busy things that keep me running throughout the day. It’s how I have to be. When I need the quiet and the stillness, it’s to the inferno I go. That’s my time to be in tune with myself and you. It’s where I feel the closest to you. I might have to be taking a break from that Inferno for a while.
I know everyone has been worried since I have not been writing. I hope they are not worrying too much. Do they wonder if I ran away? To New York City like I often dream about. Or maybe I finally cracked and checked myself in a mental institution where I sometimes think I belong. Or maybe I died like I have wished for a thousand times. Is it another maybe baby? That would have thrown me right over the edge.
Ronan do you remember how we would talk about a baby and how badly you wanted one? We would talk about baby names and how you were going to make the best big brother and as soon as you got better, we talked about how we would have another baby. Your daddy brought it up with me a lot and I always just put him off by saying, “We can talk about it when Ronan gets better.” It was only really with you, that I would talk about another baby. Things with you got worse and worse and of course the baby thing was totally off my radar because all I cared about was you getting better. I still don’t know how you didn’t, how you died, and how you are no longer here with us. All of still feels like it’s not real, at times. I still sometimes wait for you to come running through the door, but you never come. The whole baby thing was whispered about here and there, and then I had that whole maybe baby thing in my head which turned out to be just that…. a baby that I thought I was having. I was crushed when I found out it wasn’t real. I made a decision at that point to never again, put that much pressure on myself about getting pregnant or maybe being pregnant. I couldn’t have the build up again only to be let down. It mentally broke me when I thought I was not capable of being broken down anymore. I had people bring it up a lot. “Do you think you’ll try for a baby?” My response was always, “If it happens, it happens.” Non chalet. Calm. Relaxed about it. I had secretly told myself in my head that I wasn’t going to be able to get pregnant because of course, I don’t deserve to feel anything but pure torture, sadness and pain for the rest of my life.
I’m pregnant. Did I just write that? Yeah. I just wrote that, which is why I haven’t been writing to you on here at all. You know I can’t write when I can’t talk about what’s really going on. I’m not good at not being able to blab about things. It all came out of nowhere really. I was a Victoria’s Secret, getting a new bra. I’d better get measured I thought to myself. I have been a 34 C since I was 18. The girl helping me got out her little measuring tape and wrapped it around me. I told her I have always been a 34 C. She goes, “You are actually a 36 D.” What? I thought to myself. What the HELL? I do NOT want to be a 36 D! I left there with my new bra and a could it be a maybe baby floating through my head. I pushed that aside and went on with my day as it was Friday and we were having your Olivia over to hang out with us. That night I thought to myself, “Weird… my period is supposed to be in the next day or two, and I don’t feel like I’m getting it.” I whipped out a pregnancy test and peed on the stick thinking it was nothing, that sometimes my period just doesn’t come anymore due to my stress/lack of appetite/exercise regimen. So, I peed and waited. I left the room for a few minutes. I came back and looked at my test. Two lines. What??? This can’t be. I went to show your daddy. He was skeptical. O.k. I’ll test again, tomorrow. I did. And the day after that too. I got 4 positive tests and no period. I spent the weekend sleeping, a lot and letting my mind absorb the news. I’ve been so tired, that I can hardly make it through the day, without a nap. That never happens. My body is working overtime I guess. I went to the doctor on Monday, just to confirm everything. I took a urine test there too, and I waited in the little room, for the results. The nurse practitioner came in to see me. “How have you been feeling,” she asked. I told her, “Just really, really tired.” She then goes, “So you got a positive test result at home?” I said, “I got 4 positive test results at home.” I waited for her to say something while I had a few seconds of thinking to myself, “Uh-oh. Am I back in crazy land and this is all in my head?” She looked up at me, smiled, and goes, “That’s what we got, too.” We went over a few things like how important it is for me to rest. She told me a solid 8-10 hours a sleep a night with a nap everyday. She told me how important it is for me to be eating a lot of protein. I made another appointment to see her along with my OBGYN on September 4th for an ultrasound. I got up and walked out of the room. She said to me, “Congratulations, you’re about to add to your family!” I just looked back at her and gave her a small smile. I really just wanted to say, “Well, what about Ronan? Why can’t he be here for this, too?” I got in my car and drove off not sure where I was going.
My phone rang, like it always does, when it’s supposed to.
“Hello.” me, crying.
“What’s wrong?” said the voice on the other end.
“Nothing is wrong. I’m fine. Everything is fine.” I didn’t want to tell your Sparkly this news over the phone but that’s just what happened because I couldn’t explain my crying any other way.
“I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant and I can’t stop crying. And I don’t know why Ronan had to die and now I’m pregnant and he can’t be here to share this with us.”
“Oh my goodness, darling! This is great news! I am so happy for you, this is going to be wonderful for you. You are such a wonderful mom, you deserve to have a little sunshine in your life.” He went on and on about that’s enough with the inferno hiking, how it’s time to take care of myself, and how he I just needed to rest and listen to my body. “I know this is hard for you and I know how badly you miss Ronan. I miss him so much too. I know how worried, scared, happy, sad and confused you are. I understand all of this. You know I do. But I promise you, this baby is going to be so good for you.”
I could literally hear him smiling on the other end of the phone. I let that make me happy. It’s not often I get to make your Sparkly smile because of good news. The funny thing is, he knew I was pregnant, before I did. Last week, he looked at me and said, “Are you pregnant?” I just laughed at him and said, “No, Sparkly. I’m not pregnant. And what if I can’t get pregnant? What if I’m too old now?” He looked at me and said, “Nonsense. You are only 34. You still have plenty of time.” I said, “I hope you’re right.” And of course, he was, just like he always is. That bloody soul knows me better than I know myself.
I called a few people after I found out the news. Your Nana. Dr. JoRo. Macy. I sobbed in the phone to Macy and listened as she cried with me. She told me how she knew how I was so torn about this, but how good it was going to be. How she knows that the timing of this is just perfect because she has literally watched me come back to life. I know she was so scared for me last summer. I think everyone was. She told me how proud she is of the way I am engaging with your brothers and your daddy again. How this will be so good and healing for all of us. Her talk made me feel a little better. I’ve let this all sink in, very slowly. I have to take the time to process things in a way that I never have had to, before.
I wonder a lot about if this is part of your plan. I already wonder if this baby will look like you. It will be a part of you which means this baby will be nothing short of amazing. I will let myself feel happy and excited when the time is right. As of now, I just want to absorb all of this in a delicate way by being true to what it is, I am feeling. Right now it’s a mix of emotions, and there is a sadness/happiness combined. I am trying to be true to both of those things. I am trying to be true, to all of this, for you.
I’m tired little bug. I would give anything for you to be here, with all of us. I’m so sorry you are not. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.
I had a board meeting last night at The W. I am so excited for this party! It’s going to be Romazing! I’ve had so many people ask about the details for tables, which are going fast. As of now, you can purchase a table starting at $700 dollars. This includes: 10 tickets to the party, a bottle of Magnum Champagne and a bottle of Belvedere Vodka.
If you would like to purchase a table, please use the contact info below. But hurry! They are going fast!!!
For VIP table reservations contact VIP@triyar.com or 602-405-0099
Again, here is the link to buy regular tickets. Those too, are going really fast. Thank you so much to everyone who has been buying them!!!
Thank you to my sisters/family/board members who have worked so hard on this. I am so lucky to have you all in my life. This event is going to be so special and fun!
See you all there!
Ronan. I’ve been writing. Just not posting. I know you know why. I’m sorry. Today, I’m doing the candy cart for you at PCH. I think it’s going to take a lot to get me through today. I think I could use you around, to help me. I’ll be seeing lots of little bald heads, but yours will always be my favorite. I love you baby boy. I miss you so much. I promise to post what I’ve been writing, soon. I just can’t right now. I love you. I hope you are safe.