Kindergarten Blues

Ronan. I am trying to figure out a way not to die tomorrow. Tomorrow, your brothers start 3rd grade. I’m pretty sure if you were here, you would have started kindergarten. I said to your daddy last night, “Do you think Ro would have started kindergarten on Wednesday, or would we have waited and made him the older kid in the class because he had a summer birthday?” Your daddy said he thinks we would have started you this year, since you were always so advanced for your age. My stomach sunk. A picture flashed in my mind of sending you off to the same school as Liam and Quinn. Having them to look after you was always a dream come true to me. I don’t get to be a normal mom anymore and cry because of how fast Liam and Quinn are growing up and how I can’t believe my baby is old enough for kindergarten. I am now the mom who gets to sob because you are not here, to go. The tears I cry will never be for normal reasons again, that I would have been so thankful for. What am I going to do??? Rita is already trying to get me to make a plan for tomorrow. “Do you want to go donate blood? Drop food off at a homeless shelter? Work on foundation stuff?” I can’t make a plan. I think it is too hot here, to go jump out of an airplane. Can I get on an airplane tomorrow and leave the state like I want to? To go to a city far, far away where kindergarten does not exist?  That’s what I really want to do. Do any of you, have any suggestions? I’m open to them. I’m open to anything that will help me get through the first day of 3rd grade for Liam and Quinn and the first day of kindergarten for my dead child.

I have been thrown back into the world of everything is normal but everything is not, for me. I don’t like it here, but I am doing my best. Your brothers are so excited about the Olympics. So I pretend like I am too, excited about the olympics. Your brothers are so excited about school. So I am excited about school. Not really. I am so sad. But as Simi’s mom told me, “You will learn to become a good actress.” My acting skills are improving, daily. I put on a good show for everyone, daily, so that I am not huddled in a corner, sobbing like a baby. I went to the inferno a couple of days ago. It was only 112 or something like that. I hiked Camelback in the dead heat of the day. It was so hard that I had to stop about 6 times. I almost turned around but then I remembered that I don’t get that choice anymore, of turning and around, stopping and giving up when something is too hard. It is no longer a luxury of mine. I took Ambien for the first time in a month, a couple of nights ago. I fell asleep easily, but woke up due to a dream where I was watching myself laying a couch, rocking myself back and fourth, screaming your name. How do you fall asleep after a dream like that when it is your reality? You don’t. So up I was, pacing the house, trying to calm myself down. Nothing was working so I gave into the devil. I read online about our recent victory on Mars. A 2.5 billion dollar victory. It’s things like this that make me quite sure that I was not meant for this world anymore. The normal world where spending money on something like this, is acceptable because we as Americans are, “curious.” Wait. 2.5 billion dollars on Mars? This makes my blood boil. I really, really hope they find the cure for all types of cancers up there. Because that is the only way, spending money like this, would be acceptable. Or if they find you up there. That would be alright, too. Maybe you are up there, playing with R2D2. Maybe NASA will bring you back. I slammed 2 Ambien after reading about Mars. I flushed them down the toilet, today. I can’t have them around. I’d rather not sleep, then have them. I slept alright without them, last night.

I might have to go now, Ro. I have to work on my plan of action for tomorrow. Can you throw some ideas my way? Some good things I can do for others? That will help me get through the day. I love you, baby boy. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. xoxo

15 responses to “Kindergarten Blues”

  1. Tomorrow we are going to Seattle and putting on a concert for a boy named Caden with NB. I will be thinking RoLove and E-ZLove all day!

  2. Some days don’t need a plan – just let your heart lead you. You are stronger than you think you are. Some days its ok to just ‘be’ & tomorrow might be one of those days. . .

  3. gosh, that’s tough 😦 I’m sorry Maya! Tomorrow, do whatever makes you the least bit happy! Surround yourself with those who bring you the most joy! Mani/pedi/starbucks?! IDK! I’m sure you’ll come up with something totally way more awesome! Love you! Thinking of you tomorrow! xoxo

  4. This may sound crazy and I’ll try to make it sound good and make sense. You have crazy things you like to do such as night running, inferno hiking. Jumping out of airplanes (awesome!) and other crazy dangerous adrenaline things so make a bucket list. Not for things to do for you before you “kick the bucket” but things that Ronan should have gotten to do. Crash a wedding and come up with some crazy story about how you know the bride or groom (hello lesbian lover in college) or walk with a friend and their child to kindergarten or spend lunch with a random cute kid in kindergarten that thinks you’re cute (because you’re definitely a hot mama 😉 ) rode a camel one day or hell ride an elephant. Throw glitter all over the boys when they get home and tell them it’s a gift from Ronan. Think Ronan and think big and do everything he would have loved to do. It may be painful no I’m sure it will be painful but it will give you even more reason to keep going. My ideas are probably lame bit I know you and all your gal pals can find ways to make an awesome bucket list.

    1. I’m obviously late in reading these, But those are awesome ideas! Love the glitter one!

  5. Drink.

    I know, its not a smart thing to do but it’s all I’ve got right now.

    Maybe write a nasty letter to NASA. Fuckers. Who the fuck cares about Mars.

    Wishing you some kind of peace for tomorrow.

  6. Drink.

    I know, not very smart but it’s all I’ve got right now.

    Maybe write a nasty letter to NASA. Fuckers. Who the fuck gives a shit about Mars.

    I wish for you some sort of peace for tomorrow. I am so, so sorry.

    Ronan takes my breath away. He is so beautiful. I hope Liam and Quinn have an awesome first day of third grade.

    1. I didn’t mean to leave two messages. I didn’t think the first one took. I’m glad you got a chuckle though.

  7. Oh wow…that’s a tough one, although I do like some of the suggestions already given ;). Do know that you’ve stopped many a parent in their tracks today with your post…those who are stressing over the little things about getting kids ready to go back to school, etc. All such nonsense. Praying for extra strength and peace tomorrow. Hugs to you~

  8. I live in the Valley. I will come pick you up and we will do everything Ronan for the day! 🙂

  9. Go hit a fuckton of golf balls. Go to a boxing gym and beat the shit out of somebody in the ring. OR Maybe you should have a beer for him since he loved his beer. 🙂 This is all I can think of…..this is not fair. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. ❤

  10. Allow your tears. Then try your best to be the “actress” again while (as Nicole, I believe came up with) do everything Ronan! Glitter! Stalking cute kindergarteners might be risky but if you know any of them it could be fun. OH! Bring candy or star wars figures to a Kindergaten class!!
    You don’t have to be strong. Just BE! Hugs to you!

  11. Oh, Maya….I have no clue. I can not imagine anything that might take any of your pain away. You are the best when you go with your heart, so I say follow that and let Ro be your guide. Lame I am sure you think. I am not a rule breaker, I don’t do crazy adventurous stuff….maybe I should, but honestly I am happy, truly happy…just living a boring beautiful life with my family. I have three healthy children, who I am beyond grateful for. So coming up with crazy exciting rule breaking things, they just don’t come to me. I will send you love though…immeasurable amounts of it. My hope is that you are surrounded by love and light tomorrow, people that understand, accept and support you unconditionally….and that a few smiles are found on that gorgeous face of yours. And if you find it in your generous & kind but shattered heart, can you think of Ari (one of Dr. Sholler’s patients) who has her scans tomororow. Ari needs a miracle, for her Stage 4 relapsed NB to be gone.

  12. Everything you do seems to be good and for a purpose have a naughty day. Play practical jokes on people all day wrap woodys car in plastic wrap throw cold water on the boys when they’re showering or take it one step further and throw a stick at a roller blader he might get hurt but it could bring on a laugh

  13. I work at an alternative high school in Chandler. Yes, I said Chandler 🙂 You are always welcome to volunteer and help some kids who have horrible home lives and have struggled with learning and the hand they were dealt with in this life. You are a positive role model, which these kids need so desperately. Every single one of them has immense potential and are incredibly spicy. You have such a huge heart, which I know you had before Ronan was taken from you.

    No matter what you do with your time, we know it will be perfectly you and Ronan. Thoughts and prayers to you all. Fuck you Fucktard Cancer!!!!!!!

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