Ronan’s Day of LOVE


Ronan. I drive home. Alone. In the silence. With your blanket on my lap and your ashes around my neck. Blinded by my tears. I know what I am coming home to. An empty house. I pull into our driveway. Your bedroom window is the first thing I see. Your blinds are open. Everything is just the way you left it. Your room has not been touched. Your clothes are still in your drawers, your closet is filled with all the things you never even got to wear. The hand me downs from your brothers, in bins in your closet. You should be playing in your room. You are not. I hold my breath. Wishing for time to be reversed. I remember everything about this time last year. Everything from the text messages I sent, the phone conversations I had on the patio, to way you told me you loved me to the moon and back, how even though we were at the Ryan House, I did not think you were going to die. Nobody would be so cruel, to make us be apart, right? Who would do such a thing?

Somebody. Somebody did and now May is here. As of today, I only had 9 days left with you. Just 9 days. What would I have done differently, if I had known I only had 9 days to spend with you? I would have not slept. I would have told you over and over, how much I love you. I would have told you over and over, how proud I was to have you as my son. I would have told you over and over, how lucky I was to have you for the almost 4 years that I did. I would have told you how sorry I was. I would have kissed your lips, your fingers, your toes, a hundred thousand times. I would tell you how hard I will work for the rest of my life, to help others because that is one of the few things that is going to get me through this. My soul does not belong to myself anymore. I gave it up the second you left me. You took it with you. I don’t want it back. I know you are keeping it safe for me. I wish I would have had some poison to drink with me. The second you took your last breaths, I could have taken the poison and drank it too, so I could have died with you. So you wouldn’t have to be alone, without me. Like Romeo and Juliet. Only we loved each other so much more than they did. I’m sorry I cannot be with you. It is so wrong, Ronan. So very wrong.

I need you. I cannot do May. I said those words tonight. I know you heard them. I know you saw me. I’m sorry if you saw the pain in my eyes, the hot tears that ran down my cheeks, the way I said, “No, no, no,” over and over again as I clung to the one thing that makes me feel closest to you. Please make May go away. Please bring him back. Please. I cannot do May.

But May is here. There is no stopping it. I would have sent out your birthday party invitations now. We would have had an awesome party. Anything you wanted. I’m sure it would have been Star Wars related. I wonder sometimes if you would have ever outgrown your Star Wars phase. Now, I’ll never get to know because to me, you’ll love Star Wars forever. May 12, you would have been 5. That seems so big. You would have been such an amazing little 5-year-old. I’m still going to plan your party, even though you are not here. I’m calling May 12, 2012 Ronan’s Day of Love. We are doing something very special down at Phoenix Children’s Hospital to make some very sick sweet kids, smile. It’s exactly the way you would have wanted it to be. It’s going to be a very special day down there all because of you. I cannot be there. Not this year. It’s too much. I’ve got our lovely little board members handling it all as well as my intern Rissy and your Liz. They will do a great job.

So, Ronan’s Day of Love. I’ve come up with a few ideas. I think we should all wear purple for Ronan’s Birthday. It’s such a great color. I really loved all of the balloons for his birthday last year. Purple was his favorite color so if you all want to buy purple balloons and let them go, that would be so sweet. Any color would be fine, but purple was his favorite. I loved seeing all the pictures from it too, so if you want to snap the pics and email them to me, that would be nice to see. Any donations to his foundation are always welcome, of course. We are getting pretty close to getting Dr. Mosse’s trial funded. This Marathon of Madness has brought in some good money and we are so thankful for all the support. I’m not done planning Ronan’s party but I’m getting tired. One more thing that I can think of that I would like you to do is grab your child, children, sister, brother, friend, aunt, uncle,…. whomever you are closet to and say these words over and over to them…,”I am so lucky to have you.” I used to say those words over and over to Ronan all the time. And now I’m not so lucky, because he is not here for me to hold and tell him how lucky I was. I always knew. Everyday with that child was such a gift. A gift that I will never understand why it had to be taken away. I will never accept all that he went through and his death. I will carry that anger and pain with me for the rest of my life. It’s mine to carry. It’s a part of Ronan. I’m not letting that go.

But I have to go now. It’s been 2 weeks without Ambien. After tonight, I had to take one. Sometimes the screaming in my head and the tears just won’t stop. Somethings I have to say enough. I’ll be surprised if this post even made sense. I do some weeeeiiiirrddd shit on Ambien. Thank god I have no desire to go and drive a car. Tent City, here I come! Bucket list Rita!!!

G’nite Ro baby. I love you to the moon and back. You are my best friend. You were the best thing that has ever been mine. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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23 thoughts on “Ronan’s Day of LOVE

  1. A Nurse

    I’m still keeping up with your blogs, and I’m sitting here crying through this one. You are an amazing woman, and I think you’re getting through my worst nightmare better than I ever would. It’s not fair. It’s not right. Nothing will ever be right about it. Because of you and Ronan I appreciate my life and that of my five and 18 month old sons that much more. Ronan is amazing and probably showing the angels how to live like rockstars… On his birthday I will rock my purple. Thank you for continuing to share your story… It means so much to all of us..

  2. Ali Barnes

    I will be wearing my Maya’s mafia shirt and all my Ronan bracelets in honour of Ro on his birthday. I’m so sorry, Maya…I don’t even have any words of comfort tonight as I know nothing I say is going to make this better. Hang in there…May is here, but you CAN do it and we will be here for you all the way xo

  3. Laura

    All our love and thoughts go out to your entire family. We know this month is beyond difficult. I am thankful you have made plans that hopefully will bring others so much joy.

  4. Melissa V

    I don’t have any words this morning. My heart aches for you, Woody, Liam, Quinn and especially Ronan. I am so sorry–so very sorry. I will be honoring Ronan, Maya. No doubt. My hope is that all of those who celebrate his amazing life and the love you shared will bring a smile to his face as he keeps an eye on things and that it will help you survive this month of dread.

  5. paula

    Maya..do you ever watch Oprahs life classes. I did the other day. The title was about gratitude. The whole show I thought about you. The talked about loss and grief. And I know you will probably think..”I’m not going to listen to Oprah and her team of experts”. But I truly think this show may help you…maybe with the anger you hold. There were a few lines that these experts told the grievers that really changed them. I don’t want you to get over the loss of Ronan. I don’t want you never to feel sad again. Don’t think that is what I’m saying. You are already doing a lot of what they say to do…like helping others. But I’m curious if you were to google the show and watch it …if you could take something big from that episode. I know you don’t like peoples crappy advice and please in no way am I saying oprahs shows gonna make it all better. But it just might reverse a thought or two you may be having. Maybe relating to survivors guilt. Something. I don’t know. I care for you maya even though I don’t know you. I care for your physical well being. But do me favor if you decide to watch…please watch entire episode. The parts that pertain to you…may not be right in the begining. It aired on 4/30. Please know I’m on your side. I think everything you write is so beautiful and raw. I only ask you to check it out for hopes that one thing you hear may help you even if its miniscule! Hope you don’t think this comment is too corny.

  6. Jenn

    You are simply amazing! I don’t think you could be a better mother if you tried. Keep fighting and stay strong. You are a true inspiration and I hope you realize that. I don’t think I could be as strong as you, no…I couldn’t be. I think of your beautiful little boy all of the time and it makes me hug my two little boys so much more. You will make a difference, if you haven’t already done so. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us, I love your honesty. I will talk about your son to everyone I know…that is a promise.

  7. kazisharon

    Oh Maya, I am so sorry!! Your words are so heartbreaking to read, I just cannot fathom the constant pain you live in. I have been thinking of Ronan so much these last few days, I hope you feel him in your heart and around you especially right now.
    Lots of love and big hugs to you today!
    Sharon

  8. Jaime H.

    Ronan’s Day of love, awesome idea! I will so be thinking of you and him on May 12th. I’m so sorry Maya. Much love to you as always, think of you and pray for you all the time but I will extra during this crappy month 😦 xoxoxo

  9. paula

    Me again..so worried you will take me last comment the wrong way. Know I’m not one of those people that says read the bible, or heaven is for real, or that Ronan is flying around like an angel. I know you hate that. This oprah show made me think of you and me and my mother and anyone who has lost someone, even a child. Because of how we turn so much on to ourselves. Really, hyou know how sometimes you hear someone say something and its like “oh my god I never thought of it that way”…that’s all I hope for for you. Your pain and sadness will never go away. But I when I watch the show there were a couple parts that made me think. Hmmmm- I wonder if Maya would benefit from hearing this right now. Even if the benefit was very small. That’s all. One of the experts who spoke too has also lost a child. Sorry for posting again…just don’t want you to think that I’m saying…Watch Oprahs show and you’ll be fine. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I see your son Ronans face everyday. And you are making me better person and mom!

  10. Fiona Campanano

    May 9 and May 12…these are both days of honor and I am humbled to read the greatest love story, between a Mama and her Ronan. So beautiful. His beauty shines through you, Maya.

  11. Desiree

    Tears… A huge weight on my heart… This post is heart-wrenching and I’m so so so sorry you have to even write it, that you have to even experience any of this. My empathy for your loss gives me the biggest stomachache w/reminder posts like this one, and to think it’s only a fraction, not even a fraction! of what you feel every second.

    I’m running my first 5K (sounds so minor compared to a marathon!) on May 12. It’s called “Run Like a Girl” and before I even remembered that was Ronan’s birthday, I knew I was going to wear my Rockstar Ronan t-shirt… but now? I think I might have to tie purple balloons to my waist or paint my face purple or something too. I’ve had this simple, so doable, yet I kept putting it off 5K on my bucket list for the last 4 years after my baby girl was born… and FINALLY I’m doing one. And it won’t be my last, I already know that! Maybe I’ll be able to move up to a 10k?! Thanks to you and Ronan. I hate that this is what it took to motivate me, the loss of your son…. but you are both inspiring the world. I’m just so sorry it had to be in this way. So sorry, every day Maya, so so sorry… Thinking of you and sending love and strength this month of May and always. xoxox

  12. PAULINA

    Crying. For Ro. For you. Fuck it. One fucking year. My dear Maya. But I hope that I least you can feel our love. Tons of love for you and you family.

  13. Glenda

    May 9th and May 12th I’ll be Rocking Purple! for RO! Always Rockstar Ro! I’ve been wearing my Fuck YOU Cancer bracelet since I got it June 3rd, 2011.

    This post makes my heart ache. Thinking of you and Ro! xo

  14. Kathy M

    May sucks balls. I will wear purple (so will my girls) for you and Ro and all of your lovies. I cry when I read what you write, and I wish I could help, but I can’t, nothing can, damnit. When I watched the video of you on the mountain….the look in your eyes said it all. The pain that was there, but the joy too. At least that is what I saw. My heart feels sad and my head feels angry. Too many babies, too many sicknesses, not enough research. Bullshit. Hoping my little bit will help.

  15. L

    I’ll be rocking PURPLE for RO!! And Maya, I’m so sorry that May has come. I have no words to say other than FUCK YOU CANCER FOR TAKING RONAN and all the other babies. 😦

  16. Irelynn's Momma

    Maya, I don’t know if you ever read these comments, but it doesn’t matter. The pain that you feel is a pain that is completely uncontrolable. as I aproached Irelynn’s one year, it was her 4th birthday. I had to be the one to say “She has had enough, it’s time to take her off.” I could not bear to see her in the state she was after 4 weeks of no words, no movement, skin discoloration, and all I could do is give her a sponge bath. It does not matter how a child goes, but it does matter how unfair it is. December 22, 2005 I got my beautiful baby girl who’s eyes from day one where all knowing. I never thought that exactly to the day, to the hour 4 years later I would be saying goodbye to my only child. The pain that is felt in my heart, your heart is never explainable. A pain that I would never wish apon anyone. How in one STUPID day, your life is so different, empty. Everything else around is no longer in existence. You beg everyday to have them back and that you promise you will do better. A million and one times I could only say to Irelynn “Booger, Mommy is so sorry I let you down. That I could not perfect you.” How was I suppose to go on everyday? I met Ronan after Irelynn passed away. When I saw him, I looked in hs eyes and saw Irelynn. I saw two kids, exactly the same. In age, personality, smarts, and most of all how they showed unconditional love. I see all our cancer kids, and non of them remind me of Irelynn like Ronan. Maya, you ARE one lucky, lucky mother to be able to share a child of extreme uniqueness like Ronan. I know every pain, uncontrolable tear, every pissed off anger, and every bit of loneliness your encounter. It has been a little over two years now, but everything is still as if it where yesterday. Every night, no matter where I go or what I’m doing I always have Irelynn’s blanket and Mr. B (her bunny). I’m so, so truly sorry that you feel this hurt Maya. Ronan is here, I know he is. Just like Irelynn. I have noticed that everyday she makes sure the number 22 is seen by me. She knew the whole time she would be leaving me, and the sad thing is my sign was there the whole time. PCH, PICU room number 22, December 22, 2009; Happy 4th Birthday Irelynn.

  17. Natha

    Today I started reading this story. Your story. Ronan’s story. Too bad i hadn’t noticed this before. I would have prayed for him each and every day. But i am praying for him now, so that he can look after you and your lovely family. I know he does. I’ve never lost someone so close to me. But i can imagine the feeling. Indescribable pain and sorrow each and every day. You are one of the brevets women that i’ve ever seen. You got through all of this. And I know you may still not understand why he was taken away from you. But i think he received more love than anyone else. His mission was accomplished. His story was told to the world to be aware of the wonderful things that we should be thankful for each day. His stay in this world wasn’t long, but he managed to touch the hearts of is many people and change their ways of seeing life. You shared his story with all of us so that we are aware of every single detail that our beloved ones do for us and be thankful for each and every single one of them. I know it has been a year since this happened but i needed to tell you how strong you are and how brave. Thank you, for sharing your story. I don’t know if this makes any sense to you, but thank you. I will pray for your family and for everyone with this disease. Ronan will always live in our hearts. “i love you to the moon and back” . His words will always be remembered

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