Tag: Phoenix Children

I feel, therefore I am

 

Ronan. This is just how things work now. When things come to me, they just come. For almost a month now, I’ve been hiking my butt off. Worrying about your birthday and what it is I wanted to do. Pressuring myself to figure things out. Some days, ideas came. Other days nothing came at all. I tried not to get too frustrated with myself. Nothing felt good enough. Nothing felt right. Nothing could hold a candle to making this day as beautiful as it should be. As beautiful as you are. I stopped thinking so much. I felt instead. The Phoenix Children’s Hospital plan came together slowly. But I knew there had to be something else. I knew your birthday had to be something that everyone could share. Your love can do so much good. Your love will do so much good. Your love will change this broken world. I know this.

I sat at Dr. JoRo’s office for most of the day. She was not there but let me use her office so I could work without having to be at home. I cannot work from home. It is too painfully quiet. I sat in her office and worked away. It felt cozy and safe. I turned on my computer screen and my hands starting writing away. The words for your Ronan’s Day of Love flyer flew of nowhere. I texted your little LoRo. I asked her if I gave her the verbiage, if she could put together something for me to help spread the word about the day I was wanting to create. She said of course. She was so happy to do it. I was so thankful to have her to ask. It was done within minutes. It is darling. It is sweet. It is pure and came from my heart. It came of a place of feelings not thoughts. I didn’t have to think when I wrote out my words. I often don’t. I don’t usually think when I write on here. I feel. Your day of love came the exact same way. By feeling and that’s it. I felt alright. I felt so much that I spent much of the day sobbing on the floor of Dr. JoRo’s office. I spent much of the day, sobbing over emails, text messages, and writing in my journal. I sobbed over thinking about how wrong everything is, but how right so many things are becoming. It seems everyday I am flooded by words from people about how you have changed them for the better. It seems as if everyday, someone is out in the world, doing good because of you. It is bittersweet to see all the wonderful ways you are still here. I only want you here but as we said before, that simply cannot happen. I will take you in the only way I can now. By feeling you when I do. By watching you change things for the better. By trying harder at everything I do when I really don’t want to do anything at all. By trying very hard, to fix myself because I know that is what you would want. I know you want me to be happy. I know you don’t want me to hurt this badly. I remember your last words to me. You yelled at me. I was crying. You said, “Don’t be sad!!!!!!” I hear your squeaky little voice telling me this. It is so hard, not to be sad, without you. Do you know, every time I laugh, I feel you. Every time I smile, I feel you. My laughs and my smiles are not my own anymore. They belong to you. They will always belong to you.

I’m tired tonight. But I wanted to stay up until midnight because it is someone’s birthday. This someone’s birthday that has been one of the most unexpected gifts to come out of all of this. This someone that I often sit back and think to myself, “If Ronan had not gotten sick, I may have never met this person. I cannot imagine my life without her. I am so lucky.” I call myself lucky when thinking of her. I call myself lucky because I know it was you, that put her in my life just at a time when I thought I was drowning the most. You threw me a life raft and it was her. She likes to be undercover. She likes to be behind the scenes. So all I am saying is a big HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY, to you know who you are. Margaritas to come later over mucho chips and salsa. I heart you. And your little dragon too.

G’nite. Sweet dreams. I miss you so very much. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

 

 

Ronan’s Day of LOVE

Ronan. I drive home. Alone. In the silence. With your blanket on my lap and your ashes around my neck. Blinded by my tears. I know what I am coming home to. An empty house. I pull into our driveway. Your bedroom window is the first thing I see. Your blinds are open. Everything is just the way you left it. Your room has not been touched. Your clothes are still in your drawers, your closet is filled with all the things you never even got to wear. The hand me downs from your brothers, in bins in your closet. You should be playing in your room. You are not. I hold my breath. Wishing for time to be reversed. I remember everything about this time last year. Everything from the text messages I sent, the phone conversations I had on the patio, to way you told me you loved me to the moon and back, how even though we were at the Ryan House, I did not think you were going to die. Nobody would be so cruel, to make us be apart, right? Who would do such a thing?

Somebody. Somebody did and now May is here. As of today, I only had 9 days left with you. Just 9 days. What would I have done differently, if I had known I only had 9 days to spend with you? I would have not slept. I would have told you over and over, how much I love you. I would have told you over and over, how proud I was to have you as my son. I would have told you over and over, how lucky I was to have you for the almost 4 years that I did. I would have told you how sorry I was. I would have kissed your lips, your fingers, your toes, a hundred thousand times. I would tell you how hard I will work for the rest of my life, to help others because that is one of the few things that is going to get me through this. My soul does not belong to myself anymore. I gave it up the second you left me. You took it with you. I don’t want it back. I know you are keeping it safe for me. I wish I would have had some poison to drink with me. The second you took your last breaths, I could have taken the poison and drank it too, so I could have died with you. So you wouldn’t have to be alone, without me. Like Romeo and Juliet. Only we loved each other so much more than they did. I’m sorry I cannot be with you. It is so wrong, Ronan. So very wrong.

I need you. I cannot do May. I said those words tonight. I know you heard them. I know you saw me. I’m sorry if you saw the pain in my eyes, the hot tears that ran down my cheeks, the way I said, “No, no, no,” over and over again as I clung to the one thing that makes me feel closest to you. Please make May go away. Please bring him back. Please. I cannot do May.

But May is here. There is no stopping it. I would have sent out your birthday party invitations now. We would have had an awesome party. Anything you wanted. I’m sure it would have been Star Wars related. I wonder sometimes if you would have ever outgrown your Star Wars phase. Now, I’ll never get to know because to me, you’ll love Star Wars forever. May 12, you would have been 5. That seems so big. You would have been such an amazing little 5-year-old. I’m still going to plan your party, even though you are not here. I’m calling May 12, 2012 Ronan’s Day of Love. We are doing something very special down at Phoenix Children’s Hospital to make some very sick sweet kids, smile. It’s exactly the way you would have wanted it to be. It’s going to be a very special day down there all because of you. I cannot be there. Not this year. It’s too much. I’ve got our lovely little board members handling it all as well as my intern Rissy and your Liz. They will do a great job.

So, Ronan’s Day of Love. I’ve come up with a few ideas. I think we should all wear purple for Ronan’s Birthday. It’s such a great color. I really loved all of the balloons for his birthday last year. Purple was his favorite color so if you all want to buy purple balloons and let them go, that would be so sweet. Any color would be fine, but purple was his favorite. I loved seeing all the pictures from it too, so if you want to snap the pics and email them to me, that would be nice to see. Any donations to his foundation are always welcome, of course. We are getting pretty close to getting Dr. Mosse’s trial funded. This Marathon of Madness has brought in some good money and we are so thankful for all the support. I’m not done planning Ronan’s party but I’m getting tired. One more thing that I can think of that I would like you to do is grab your child, children, sister, brother, friend, aunt, uncle,…. whomever you are closet to and say these words over and over to them…,”I am so lucky to have you.” I used to say those words over and over to Ronan all the time. And now I’m not so lucky, because he is not here for me to hold and tell him how lucky I was. I always knew. Everyday with that child was such a gift. A gift that I will never understand why it had to be taken away. I will never accept all that he went through and his death. I will carry that anger and pain with me for the rest of my life. It’s mine to carry. It’s a part of Ronan. I’m not letting that go.

But I have to go now. It’s been 2 weeks without Ambien. After tonight, I had to take one. Sometimes the screaming in my head and the tears just won’t stop. Somethings I have to say enough. I’ll be surprised if this post even made sense. I do some weeeeiiiirrddd shit on Ambien. Thank god I have no desire to go and drive a car. Tent City, here I come! Bucket list Rita!!!

G’nite Ro baby. I love you to the moon and back. You are my best friend. You were the best thing that has ever been mine. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo