Jar of Hearts

Tonight, I honestly sat here and could not remember what month it was. It literally took me opening my calendar on my computer to figure it out. That is how fried my brain is. What even happened today? I’ll have to sit back and reflect so I can tell you.

We were all tired from a rough night, so we slept until around 10:30 East Coast time — 7:30 your time. It seemed so late, but it really wasn’t since we haven’t adjusted to the time change yet. Once Ronan was up, we spent the morning playing, and I snuck out around 1:00 to go back to the Ronald McDonald House to shower and change clothes. I called Fernanda and had a hard time talking to her because it’s just been a hard couple of days. I hung up and ended up hysterical, so I called Auntie Karen because I really needed to hear her voice. I just could not stop crying this afternoon, no matter who I talked to.

After I hung up with her, I decided I needed to go on a run. I laced up my shoes and headed to Central Park. I cried most of the way… WTF? I cannot seem to hold it together when I am away from Ronan. I do well with him, but when I’m by myself, I seem to fall apart. My run was alright — gorgeous day — but I only ran about five miles because of my pounding headache and lack of energy. I came back to the RMH, took the hottest shower possible, and somehow managed to throw a bag together to head back to Sloan.

I stopped at Starbucks before going back to the hospital and caught a glimpse of myself in a window as I passed by. I had to laugh out loud at the outfit I had put on. To say I looked like a cute hobo is pushing it. I was a mess from head to toe and topped it off with my favorite bright green North Face fleece hat. Seeing myself gave me a good chuckle, which I really needed at that moment.

I sat in Starbucks waiting for my coffee and called Tricia to check in. The conversation started with me telling her this cannot possibly be real — that I still don’t believe it — because no matter how wild my imagination is, even I couldn’t make up the crap we’ve been through the past few days. I ended up bawling on the phone in front of a coffee shop full of people. I don’t even care anymore. I don’t care how ridiculous I looked, the stares, the wondering on people’s faces. I love that in this city, full of so many people, I can completely break down and it doesn’t phase me in the least. I’m not going to hide my tears here. I’m tired of hiding them back home because I worry about my twins seeing me or because everyday life numbs me. Here, I am not numb. And as painful as that is, it’s therapeutic too.

I returned to the hospital to a very happy baby boy who was sweet as pie. He was so happy to see me. Woody was in bed with him and they had been playing Star Wars. It was adorable to walk back into. Ronan was due for his second round of radiation at 6 p.m., so I told Woody to go shower because I didn’t want to do it alone again. He left, and soon after, Ronan got sick to his stomach from the chemo. They are giving him anti-nausea meds around the clock, but it isn’t enough. I had them give him another dose of something before we headed down to the second floor for his “pictures.”

Woody arrived just in time and we headed down. Once again, Ronan was a champ. I helped set him up on the table and watched as they raised him up high to begin treatment. Woody and I both kissed him and told him we’d see him in a few minutes, then we left the room. We watched him on the monitors and talked to him the entire time. I cried again. It’s really hard for me to watch him do this. The whole thing was super fast today and only took a few minutes. I’m so thankful he doesn’t need anesthesia for this. It makes everything easier.

After radiation, we came back to the room and Woody ran out to get pizza from Ro’s favorite place and soup for me. Ronan didn’t eat much because he was still a little sick to his stomach, but I did get him to eat a few noodles.

We had a bit of a scare while sitting in our room. Ronan was on my lap, playing with his toy gun, and I looked down and he had completely stopped and was out like a light. I tried for about 30 seconds to wake him up, but he was completely out. I flipped out, told Woody he had passed out, and to call the nurse, which he did. I got him to wake up, and within seconds we had a few doctors and nurses in our room checking his blood pressure and heart rate, all of which were fine. I’m not sure what happened. I don’t think he fainted, but rather passed out from exhaustion. I think it was a combination of no nap, chemo, radiation, morphine, and anti-nausea meds all hitting at once. It scared me, to say the least. He ended up being fine and woke up and played for the next hour. I asked the doctor to reduce his morphine because I think it was making him loopy. They decreased it, and he seems to be sleeping peacefully now.

Woody is out like a light too. He is beyond exhausted and having a hard time. It’s hard for me to see him this way because I’m so used to him playing the strong, lawyer, perfect husband and daddy role. Tonight he told me he is scared. I already knew that, but hearing him say it is hard. I’m trying my best to keep my ass-kicking attitude going, but it’s hard knowing Ronan is in so much pain. This radiation just has to work on his arm so he can go back to being the kid with cancer who doesn’t feel a thing. I want my “healthy” boy back so badly.

I talked to Quinn and Liam tonight to tell them goodnight. I miss them every second of the day. We all do. I used my strongest voice and told them how much I love them and miss them. They sounded happy, which gives me peace. Thank you, Mimi and Papa, for taking such good care of them.

And Lindsey — thank you for the text with the picture of the full moon saying you love me to the moon and back. After you sent it, I got out of bed just to look out the window at the same moon. I love you to the moon and back too.

Time to get some rest. Kisses and love to you all. I hope you’re having a beautiful weekend. Thank you for checking in on us.

xoxo

Us right after radiation. That’s my boy:)