This Is What I Wish

I wish I could sleep through an entire night without jolting awake fifty times, checking to make sure he’s still breathing, still here. I wish my baby didn’t wake before the sun because his little arm hurts so badly he can’t rest. I wish it were my body fighting this war and not his. I wish there were a cure — not a study, not a protocol, not a “maybe” — but a real, undeniable cure. I wish I hadn’t made my best friend cry because she loves me enough to hurt with me. I wish I could pack up my twins, my friends, my whole family, and carry them to New York so none of us ever have to say goodbye. I wish Ronan had never learned the word cancer. I wish my husband never had a single second of doubt about how fiercely I love him. I wish this disease were shrinking instead of lingering. I wish no parent ever had to memorize hospital hallways or learn how to read lab numbers like a second language. I wish I could have my old life back — the one where the hardest decision of the day wasn’t life or death.

These are the things I wish for every single day.

Yesterday, I took Ronan and Quinn to the clinic. We saw “A,” and Ronan said his goodbyes. We had a picture day with all of his favorite people — Sharon, Dr. Maze, and “A.” It turns out we have to go back on Wednesday, but we won’t get to see “A” or Sharon again. We are hoping to see Kristen, Patty, Dr. Adams, and Elaine so we can tell them goodbye since we didn’t get to yesterday. I talked to “A” for a long time about Ronan’s arm pain. She told me she is almost positive that it is disease-related. The only thing that is going to help is getting his next round of high-dose chemo started on the 21st. I hate that there is nothing we can do until then. I can get him to take pain medicine if he is really hurting, but he hates taking it and puts up a good fight about it. The stubborn little guy would rather suffer. After the clinic, I dropped the boys off at the movies with Sarah so I could get some things done. Fernanda ended up picking me up for what was supposed to be a productive work lunch — laptop and all. Due to technical difficulties — The Vig’s internet wasn’t working — I am blaming that for our lunch gone awry. We got nothing done except for a very long, deep, heart-to-heart talk filled with both laughs and tears. I don’t know how I am going to get through New York with her so far away. She gives me such strength.

The night around here was alright. I am having a hard time staying focused on what I need to do before we leave. Avoiding reality in a big way. I have no choice but to be productive today, as Thursday is right around the corner. I finally talked to my long-lost Charisma last night. We hadn’t spoken in a month but were finally able to catch up. It was so good to hear her voice and listen to how she has been working nonstop and testing for pilot season. Keeping my fingers crossed for my extra-talented friend that something amazing comes her way.

I have been up on and off since 3 a.m. I was finally able to get Ronan back to sleep a while ago, and he is still sleeping. I have been watching him throughout the night as he fights this pain so hard. It is gut-wrenching to see him toss and turn and wince as he tries to sleep. Poor angel baby. I feel so helpless and restless. It will be good to get to New York and get the ball rolling.

I hope you all have a beautiful day and are so very thankful for all that you have.

xoxo