Last night, I took a picture of Ronan, and it took my breath away. He doesn’t even look like the same baby anymore. Cancer has taken over and completely changed his appearance. He is skinny and pale. His eyebrows and eyelashes are gone. His bald head and sunken-in eyes are heart-wrenching.
After I looked at the picture, I immediately went into my room and started to cry. Woody came in after me, and I said to him, “Is he dying?”
Woody immediately grabbed me and told me to knock it off — that although his appearance is changing, his spirits are not. He was so happy and active yesterday. He ran around all day telling us how happy he was and how much he loved us all. He played a lot of football and is still eating a ton.
He did get sick in the middle of the night last night. That is a huge reason why I have him sleeping in bed with me. I never know when something like that will happen, and the last thing I want is my baby boy alone in his bed, scared, without me right there to take care of him. He was upset, but after I got him cleaned up and settled, he told me thank you and went back to sleep.
His manners have become so beautiful. Everything is “thank you,” “you’re welcome,” “bless you,” or his favorite: “thank you so much.” It is adorable. My favorite is when he says to me, “I love you so much. I love you the most.” He tells me that a lot. The “I hate yous” have become fewer and fewer. His temper tantrums seem to be settling down as well.
We have a busy week ahead. I have so much to get done before we leave for New York. I said to Woody, “How in the world am I going to pack for over a month in New York?” Luckily, we will have a washer and dryer, so that will help. But it is still a lot to wrap your head around.
Woody has been trying to talk me into getting a Christmas tree and putting lights on the house. I told him no way. I just want to deal with Christmas when we get to New York and soak it all up there. We will make it special for Liam and Quinn, but a tree this year feels pointless. Talk about doing it up in New York… I will be there for Christmas, my nine-year anniversary, New Year’s Eve, and my birthday. Ronan’s surgery is now set for January 7th. I am ready to get this show on the road and get this freaking tumor out of his abdomen.
It was great having my mom and Jim here. They were so helpful, and I am glad I was feeling better and didn’t freak out on my mom like last time. It was good for her to see that I am “feeling better.” Whatever that means. I think it means my medication is working. I feel more balanced and stable, I guess.
The boys loved having Jim here. They did a lot of playing and laughing. It was good for everybody. I only wish they could have stayed a few more days so they could have spent a little more time with Ronan outside of the hospital. I am trying to talk my mom into coming to New York for a few days to spend time with us. I really hope she will.
I hope you are all having a great weekend. I think of you often and thank you again for all of your love and support.
Enjoy your Sunday and count your blessings.
xoxo
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