A picture is worth a thousand words… and a thousand tears

Last night, I took a picture of Ronan, and it took my breath away. He doesn’t even look like the same baby anymore. Cancer has taken over and completely changed his appearance. He is skinny, pale, his eyebrows and eyelashes are gone, his bald head and sunken in eyes are heart wrenching. After I looked at the picture, I immediately went into my room and started to cry. Woody came in after me and I said to him, “Is he dying?” Woody immediately grabbed me and told me to knock it off, that although his appearance is changing, his spirits are not. He was so happy and active yesterday. He ran around all day telling us all how happy he was and how much he loved us all. He played a lot of football and is still eating a ton. He did get sick in the middle of the night last night. This is a huge reason of why I have him sleeping in bed with me. I never know when something like this will happen and the last thing I want is my baby boy to be alone in his bed, scared, and not having me right there to take care of him. He was upset, but after I got him and everything cleaned up he told me thank you and went back to sleep. His manners have become so beautiful. Everything is thank you, you’re welcome, bless you, or his favorite; thank you so much. It is adorable. My favorite is when he says to me, “I love you, so much. I love you the most.” He tells me that a lot. The “I hate you’s” have become less and less. His temper tantrums seem to be settling down as well.

We have a busy week ahead. I’ve got so much to get done before we leave for New York. I said to Woody, “How in the world am I going to pack for over a month in New York?” Luckily, we’ll have a washer and dryer, so that will help. But it’s still a lot to wrap your head around. Woody has been trying to talk me into a Christmas Tree and doing lights on the house. I told him no way. I just want to deal with Christmas when we get to New York and soak it all up then. We will make is special for Liam and Quinn but a tree this year seems pointless. Talk about doing it up in New York…. I’ll be there for Christmas, my 9 year anniversary, New Years Eve, and my birthday. Ronan’s surgery is all set for January 7th now. I am ready to get this show on the road and this freaking tumor out of his abdomen.

It was great having my mom and Jim here. They were so helpful and I am glad I was feeling better and didn’t freak out on my mom like last time. It was good for her to see that I am “feeling better.” Whatever that means. I think it means my medication is working. I feel more balanced and stable I guess. The boys’ loved having Jim here. They did a lot of playing and laughing. It was good for everybody…. I only wish they could have stayed a few more days so they could have spent a little more time with Ronan outside of the hospital. I am trying to talk my mom into coming to New York for a few days to spend it with us. I really hope she will.

I hope you are all having a great weekend. I think of you all often and thank you again for all of your love and support. Enjoy your Sunday and count your blessings!!

xoxo

15 thoughts on “A picture is worth a thousand words… and a thousand tears”

  1. Oh Maya ..he is beautiful…. he is just growing up..that shirt is precious…..he will be four in like six months..wow!!! Hope you are having a great weekend. xo

  2. I was just recently looking at pictures of when my son was doing through treatment, and I know the fear you are talking about. They look not themselves. Think of it as the chemo doing its job! (Hard, I know). January 7th sounds like a good date! I like the January part. My son’s resection was on January 11th and has been NED since (knock on wood)! Keep strong! You are amazing!

  3. Simplify. Simplify. Lighten your NYC load and pack a few comfy sweats outfits, a couple jeans and sweaters, and call it good. We spent a lot of time in LA at Children’s Hospital for bone marrow harvests (twice), extraction of tumor and a week in intensive care then his transplant. Since you’re not out and about the city,simple is the easy way to go.

  4. Ronan may look different to you, and I think he’s beautiful. I agree with Paul about the simplifying. In all life. Your focus is on your three boys and their Christmas will be fine. You want them to be happy and they want you to be happy and as stress-free as possible. Today is the second Sunday in Advent, the Sunday of Peace. I bid you peace.

  5. Maya, you, Ronan and your whole family are incredible and I do believe God only gives us what we can handle. Ronan is a blessing in your life as you’re a blessing in his. He’s beautiful and so are you, don’t ever forget that. I hope to see you before you leave for NY. What day is that?

  6. I remember seeing my reflection in the mirrors in my home when my looks changed. I felt like I looked like many different things, the worst was the Jews in the camps, but it reminded me that I need to pray for the afflicted. Then I was so amazed that I could possibly look alien? And the best of all I noticed I looked like my adult son, who has a very short hair cut. Everything is back to “normal” for me now as far as how I look and I feel good. I pray that comes to pass for Ronan. But every day Ronan is also growing older and he should as all kids do.

  7. I lifter Ronan and all of you up in prayer today, so all of First Pentecostal Church is praying for you all. Ronan is thinner and without hair, but his eyes are as bright as the first picture you posted on here. So keep your head up and your spirit encouraged as you move into this next level of healing for Ronan. Peace and blessings onto you all.

  8. Oh Maya, I love you! Simplicity IS what it is all about. You will be with those who are most important to you and that in it’s self is a celebration. As a lot of people will be celebrating Jesus’ birth we will also be thinking of you all and celebrating Ronan, his birth and his life! I pray you have peace and comfort in your heart and please remember~ WE ARE ALL ONE! You are not alone! We may not all be next to you in the physical but in spirit we are! We ache with you, cry with you and hold your family close to us. Much love and peace to you, Woody, Ronan, Liam and Quinn!

  9. Maya,
    I was just saying today ‘what a difference a year makes’. My 5 year old nephew (dx’d with NB IV in 9/09) had his tumor removed 1/4/10, followed by his last round of chemo, 2 stem cell transplants, radiation, acutane and antibody treatments. He was skiing two days ago, going as fast as he did two winters ago before my sister knew he had cancer. He is the vision of health now, and we’re hoping his January scans say the same of his insides. It is the purest form of torture to watch a child you love endure cancer treatments. It will not be in vain. He will get to that pot of gold on the other side. Best wishes to your family as you travel east, I will keep you in my prayers.

    Janice McGovern

  10. Maya,
    I was just saying today ‘what a difference a year makes’. My 5 year old nephew (dx’d with NB IV in 9/09) had his tumor removed 1/4/10, followed by his last round of chemo, 2 stem cell transplants, radiation, acutane and antibody treatments. He was skiing two days ago, going as fast as he did two winters ago before my sister knew he had cancer. He is the vision of health now, and we’re hoping his January scans say the same of his insides. It is the purest form of torture to watch a child you love endure cancer treatments. It will not be in vain. Ronan will get to that pot of gold on the other side. Best wishes to your family as you travel east, I will keep you in my prayers.

    Janice McGovern

  11. Maya,

    I know what you mean. They look different. Mia does too. I think cancer changes all of us around it. Mia acts a lot sicker than Ronan. All I am saying is that it doesn’t mean anything. It’s frightening but you can get through it. You have to, so I can get through it too. Just hit autopilot and go. You can do it.

  12. I am laying here reading your blog for the first time as my almost 6 month old healthy baby boy is asleep on my chest and I can’t stop the tears from flowing! I can’t even imagine what your going through. You are incredibly strong and your baby boy is beautiful! Please continue in the fight against childhood cancer because maybe god knew that you could help make strides towards the cure.

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