A picture is worth a thousand words… and a thousand tears

Last night, I took a picture of Ronan, and it took my breath away. He doesn’t even look like the same baby anymore. Cancer has taken over and completely changed his appearance. He is skinny, pale, his eyebrows and eyelashes are gone, his bald head and sunken in eyes are heart wrenching. After I looked at the picture, I immediately went into my room and started to cry. Woody came in after me and I said to him, “Is he dying?” Woody immediately grabbed me and told me to knock it off, that although his appearance is changing, his spirits are not. He was so happy and active yesterday. He ran around all day telling us all how happy he was and how much he loved us all. He played a lot of football and is still eating a ton. He did get sick in the middle of the night last night. This is a huge reason of why I have him sleeping in bed with me. I never know when something like this will happen and the last thing I want is my baby boy to be alone in his bed, scared, and not having me right there to take care of him. He was upset, but after I got him and everything cleaned up he told me thank you and went back to sleep. His manners have become so beautiful. Everything is thank you, you’re welcome, bless you, or his favorite; thank you so much. It is adorable. My favorite is when he says to me, “I love you, so much. I love you the most.” He tells me that a lot. The “I hate you’s” have become less and less. His temper tantrums seem to be settling down as well.

We have a busy week ahead. I’ve got so much to get done before we leave for New York. I said to Woody, “How in the world am I going to pack for over a month in New York?” Luckily, we’ll have a washer and dryer, so that will help. But it’s still a lot to wrap your head around. Woody has been trying to talk me into a Christmas Tree and doing lights on the house. I told him no way. I just want to deal with Christmas when we get to New York and soak it all up then. We will make is special for Liam and Quinn but a tree this year seems pointless. Talk about doing it up in New York…. I’ll be there for Christmas, my 9 year anniversary, New Years Eve, and my birthday. Ronan’s surgery is all set for January 7th now. I am ready to get this show on the road and this freaking tumor out of his abdomen.

It was great having my mom and Jim here. They were so helpful and I am glad I was feeling better and didn’t freak out on my mom like last time. It was good for her to see that I am “feeling better.” Whatever that means. I think it means my medication is working. I feel more balanced and stable I guess. The boys’ loved having Jim here. They did a lot of playing and laughing. It was good for everybody…. I only wish they could have stayed a few more days so they could have spent a little more time with Ronan outside of the hospital. I am trying to talk my mom into coming to New York for a few days to spend it with us. I really hope she will.

I hope you are all having a great weekend. I think of you all often and thank you again for all of your love and support. Enjoy your Sunday and count your blessings!!


Magic Medicine….Round 5, Day 4

Whooo hoooo!!! Time for the Ronan’s done with Round 5 Happy Dance!! ¬†Everybody, stop reading, and get up and do it!! Yay Baby!! He will be coming home this afternoon. Yesterday, he was sick to his stomach again and had a pretty hard day. At one point he looked up at me and had little tears sliding down his cheeks and goes, ” I just want to go home. I miss Quinn, Liam, Daddy, Nana, Papa Jim, Mimi, Papa Charlie, and Santa Claus.” Ahhhh! I wanted to snatch him up and carry him out right then and there. Instead, Woody came around 4:30 and pretty much forced me to leave the hospital. I was kicked out by my own husband who knew I needed a break. I came home and slept and showered and woke back up around 6. I was beat. Mimi and Papa came and relieved Woody and stayed the night with Ronan. Thank you for that. As soon as I was up, I headed out to see what my mom, Jim and the boys were up to and I started going through the mail. There was a huge box by my door and I saw that it was from the clothing company, Fore!! Axel & Hudson. I set it on my counter and my mom and I opened it up. OHMYGOSH! Denise, if you are reading this- I don’t even know what to say. When you said you were putting together a box for Ronan, I expected a few things! Not your entire line and ALL of your hats! My mom and I were dying and just kept pulling more and more things out of the box. Ronan is going to be the most stylish little cancer patient ever! Thank you so much! Not to mention they sent a check to help with our trip to New York. I hope one day, I get to meet all of you behind all of this so Ronan and I can give you a big hug. You are going to make his day when he comes home and see’s all of his new, adorable clothes and hats. Don’t even get me started on the quality of the clothing. So beautiful and soft. You will forever be my favorite little boys line and I hope to throw a ton of business your way. Your hearts are amazing. So THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I want to try to call you today to tell you thank you on the phone. I had no idea my one little email would turn into something so amazing. And if any of you reading this are on Facebook or Twitter…. go find their page, and become a fan or follow them. They did a great little write up about Ronan.

Last night, I hung out with the twins, my parents, and Woody. We watched the ASU vs U of A game. Nice work, DEVILS!! ¬†The boys’ were in heaven and set up a “party” in their room which consisted of drinking Coke (OMG at 7:00 at night) and popcorn. It was too cute so I let it slide. I snuck out around 8:30 and walked to my friend Niki’s house for a little couch time. It’s my favorite couch in the world. Her husband, Mark, was home as well so we sat and talked for about an hour, then Woody came down to join us. Cheers to the 4 of us being together! It was a very nice, cozy evening with dear friends. Just what I needed.

I’ve got to go and get ready and head over to the hospital. We are bringing Ronan home today. Yay for that. Love you all. Fore!!! Axel and Hudson… You are going to help me change the world and the way it ignores childhood cancer. Thank you again!! xoxo