I need to get my shit together today. My house looks like a bomb went off in it, I can’t stop crying, and I think I just picked my nightgown up off the floor and beat the crap out of my bedroom wall with it. Don’t worry—Ronan didn’t see this. He was playing in the other room. He did hold me, though, while I cried in his lap. He patted my head and held me. I needed to let some things go today, and I did.
Every day is so different from the next. I never know when I wake up what the day will consist of, how I will feel, or how Ronan is going to act. The inconsistency in my life makes me nervous and anxious. Today, I have had a pit in my stomach the entire day and I can’t seem to get rid of it. The reality that surrounds us is overwhelming at times.
Thank God for good friends I can call on. My friend Gay called me right when I needed her most. My friend Pamela White (who has been a GODSEND) let me vent and gave me advice. Little Jack’s mom, Laurie, always puts me at ease. Just hearing her voice and the updates on Jackers helps me get through the days. To the people who are walking to the end of the earth and back for us, to the people who refuse to let go of my hand, to the people bringing dinners and helping with Liam and Quinn, to the people who know just how to make me smile—please know how thankful I am for you. The fact that you are walking through this with us and supporting us so much means the world to our family. We are so lucky and thankful for all of you. It speaks volumes about the kind of people you are in the way you choose to live your life, and I will FOREVER be thankful, humbled, and amazed <3 You all have changed my life and the way I view the beauty of family, friends, and strangers. You have taught me to question everything and accept nothing but the best for me and my family.
Last night I went out for dinner with three of my dearest friends. I was able to let go a little bit and live in the moment, surrounded by strength and love. I went to the best restaurant in town, Tarbell’s, with my friends Niki, Jen, and Lindsey. The place was packed, the food was amazing as always, and the service was above and beyond. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I was with the boss’s wife 😉 I sat with my three darlings for three hours. We shut the place down, and I left there feeling extremely blessed to have spent the evening surrounded by those three incredible women. They are more than friends to me; they are my sisters. I would trust them with my life and the lives of my children. They are the type of friends who would never let me down or let me fall without picking me back up. I need them more than ever at this time in my life. I get that I am asking a lot from my friends right now, but my true friends are the ones I have to ask nothing of. They just give and do because they have the inner strength to see me through this. Their intentions are true and pure. There is no bullshit or superficiality. I worship them, and if the tables were turned, I would be there for them in a heartbeat. They know this about me. They get the bigger picture of all of this.
Once Liam and Quinn got home, I put everything that has been going on inside my head on hold. I made them a snack, took them for shaved ice, and we went outside and played in the backyard for two hours. We took every ball in our house and put them in our big, grassy yard and played soccer and dodgeball. Ronan had a BLAST. He ran, kicked, and threw balls for an hour straight. The strength and power that boy has when it comes to anything physical is insane. He is so coordinated and fast. We took a bunch of glow sticks when it got dark, shaped them into frisbees, and threw them up in the air and at each other. It was an evening full of laughing and playing.
Woody came home, scarfed down some dinner (thanks, Jules), and took Liam and Quinn over to The Village for basketball practice. My poor, tired husband. He worked so hard today, and I can tell he is exhausted. But he will never let us down or complain about anything. He came home with a smile on his face and a big kiss for me, and off to practice they went. Love that man.
I feel like a kept woman with Ronan. Seriously. The little man decides my every move. I’ve got to get some control back with him. My sweet Sarah, whom Ronan LOVES, came over to peel me off my floor today. Ronan threw a fit about having her here. I can’t win. I need help, want help, ask for help—but Ronan is so territorial about “his house.” He wants nothing to do with visitors and ends up slamming doors and screaming in his room the entire time someone is here. And Sarah is like family to us. He let her stay for a little bit after I bribed him with a toy, and we played Star Wars with him. Sarah took over with the playing, and I was able to get a few things done around here. Then we “locked” Sarah in the laundry room (that was the only way he would let her stay) so she could fold my laundry. Sarah the Saint. She has been so helpful to me, and I know she would do whatever I needed her to if Ronan would just relax a little.
I have a list a mile long of things I need to get done before we check into the hospital for Round 4 of chemo on Monday. Tomorrow we go to the clinic, and I am hoping to help in Liam and Quinn’s classroom for their Halloween party. That leaves me Friday to get everything done. The weekends are usually pretty busy around here, and I don’t want to spend my time getting caught up when I could be spending it with my boys.
So tired tonight, but one last thought… All of his kisses mean that much more. Every smile, laugh, hug, and “I love you” that comes from Ronan washes away all of the sadness and anger that I feel—for a few moments. It doesn’t last long, but it is oh so sweet.
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” — Dr. Seuss (Thanks, Dana)
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