It’s almost Halloween and I would still let you be anything if you were still here


Ronan. Last week, I got to see the magic that Alexander has put together with the SpiritHoods video. He’s been working like mad on it, and keeping me so very in the loop. When the link finally came through the short version, the one that will air on their website, I took a deep breath as I sat down to watch it. I put Poppy on my lap and she watched with me. The tears were almost immediate. It is 5 minutes of absolute perfection, absolute heartbreak, absolute beauty, and absolute truth. I am so proud and so thankful for people like Alexander who have come into our life. The moment I set eyes on him, I knew he was the perfect person for the job of telling our story in a documentary type of way. I felt so comfortable with him and an immediate connection. I wasn’t wrong. Not only does Alexander feel like a long lost brother to me, it turns out he is insanely talented and I could not be more proud of what it is we have done together. Oh, and he also happens to have a totally kick ass wife who I am equally as in love with. I cannot wait for you all to see this, and then to watch as you all buy up the SpiritHoods like crazy. They turned out so adorable and only Ronan being here to rock it, would make it even better than it already is. I AM SO PROUD.

Last week was an insane week and with foundation stuff pretty much happening around the clock, I knew I needed a small break. Or, more like your daddy knew and pretty much told Dr. Jo that I was coming up to Sedona on Sunday to spend some time with her and do a little eco therapy. I drove up with your Poppy sister in tow. We arrived late on Saturday night and woke up in the morning, ready for to go on a hike through the beauty of Sedona. On our hike, we got into my much needed therapy. We talked about where I am in my grief process and I told her all about my hard week last week where I spent many days, THINKING about doing things like driving off a cliff. I still have those thoughts, although they happen less often. Our little hike turned into a 5 hour massive hike with your Poppy sister on the front of me. We only stopped one time to feed her and let her stretch out. The rest of the time the only sounds we heard from her were the sounds of her coos and giggles. That baby, I tell ya. She is amazingly special. I’ve never known a baby that would go on a 5 hours hike and be happy as a clam the entire time. She is such a sweet, sweet girl. Most of the hike, we talked about this whole grief thing. I told her how I constantly feel like a bunny rabbit, digging a never ending hole, and trying to fill the hole with “stuff” when I know the hole is never going to be filled again. It’s that taste of happiness that I had with you that I so badly want again, but no matter how beautiful this life is, I’ll never get back the happiness that is missing; that being you. I have learned to love my grief, for even as painful as it is, it keeps me connected to you. So, when I am not spending enough time nurturing and sitting quietly with my grief, that is when I tend to get into a bit of trouble, emotionally speaking. Some people want to run away from their grief, but there is no out running this. Your grief will always catch up to you and never gets tired of chasing you. I don’t want to outrun this, but the fact of the matter is, it does become heavy to carry and sometimes hard to manage. That’s when I have to check in with myself and do things like a 5 hour hike with Dr. JoRo. Things like that, help me with all of this.

I have so much going on around here that I don’t even know which way is up anymore. After dropping your brothers off at school in the mornings, I have been making myself take your Poppy sister up our mountain. I know that in order to be productive during my day, I do need to take a little Mama/Ronan time out. This morning I had Poppy on my front and your backpack on my back like I do every time I hike. You know that little backpack from Pottery Barn Kids with your name embroidered on the back of it. As I was coming down, a man passed me. He said, “Is that your son’s name, Ronan?” I was caught a little off guard and but managed to nod my head and give him a smile. He said, “That’s my son’s name, too! He’s 7.” The only thing I could say was, “It’s a great name.” What I really wanted to say is, “You are so lucky to have a 7-year-old Ronan.” I hiked the rest of the way down, feeling sad and trying to imagine what it must be like to have a 7-year-old Ronan, too. That pretty much threw me off for the rest of the day, but somehow I still managed to be productive around here.

Halloween is approaching. Is it really another Halloween without you? I would still let you be anything, if you were still here. Your brothers are all excited and I took them “Booing” the other night with some of their friends. It hurt to be doing such fun/funny things without you. Poppy seems pretty excited about Halloween, too. Today, she asked me to take a pumpkin, carve out the top and some slots for her legs so I could stick her in the pumpkin and take a picture. O.k… so maybe she  didn’t ask me, but that’s totally what I did to her. She loved it for about 30 seconds, then when she realized she was naked in a pumpkin, she got pretty mad at me. I took her out once she started to protest, but I did manage to get some great pictures out of the Poppy the Pumpkin photo session. It was kind of the cutest thing ever.

Alright little man. I have to sign off for the night. Time for my late night book writing session to begin. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.


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9 responses to “It’s almost Halloween and I would still let you be anything if you were still here”

  1. Poppy pumpkin pictures sounds adorable (although i can understand why they might not have been super comfortable for her). Looking forward to seeing the Spirithood video.

    I am the same way with grief – it is always with me and I am constantly trying to keep super busy. I wish that Ronan were here for Halloween too. FU CANCER!!

  2. RoMama
    Poppy dolly is beautiful like her mama.
    Always Rolove

  3. Poppy is so beautiful! She looks like you. ❤

  4. Maya, my heart breaks for you. You seem like an amazing person. Thank you for sharing your story. I don’t know if it helps to hear this or not, but in telling your/Ronan’s story, you have given me the gift of appreciating every moment with my two little boys. Some days it’s easy to get wrapped up in everyday life and to forget how precious each moment is and then I read your posts and it reminds me to hug them tighter, it reminds me to let the dishes sit in the sink while I take extra time to play with them, it reminds me to let them be kids and not get upset over toys thrown all around the house, it reminds me to be the best mom I can possibly be because they are such a precious gift. Thank You

  5. Poppy is the cutest! Wow! You and Woody make the most beautiful children. It’s good to see a blog post again. I’m all over your instagram so I know you are still kicking – but I like to see the blog posts still. I’m so happy you have RoJo to talk about your grief with. Sending you thoughts of love – calm – and of course sweet dreams of Ro. I’m so so sorry he is not there, it’s just awful.

  6. Holy moly, Poppy is GORGEOUS!! Just a beautiful little thing. I think about your Ronan every day, as I also have a son named Ronan and I can’t imagine having to live without him. You are doing GREAT things, it’s humbling to read how you handle it all and continue to fight for our kids. Love to you and the family!!

  7. Avatar

    He was the most beautiful boy I have ever seen. He was angelic looking, almost too beautiful to be real!! Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone. From: ROCKSTAR RONANSent: Tuesday, October 22, 2013 5:50 AMTo: wearinscrubs@yahoo.comReply To: ROCKSTAR RONANSubject: [New post] It’s almost Halloween and I would still let you be anything if you were still here

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    rockstarronan posted: ”






    Ronan. Last week, I got to see the magic that Alexander has put together with the SpiritHoods video. He’s been working like mad on it, and keeping me so very in the loop. When the link finally came thr”

  8. I haven’t seen a picture of Poppy in quite awhile. She is breathtaking! She looks like Ronan to me just from pictures. All of your children are absolute beauties! Thanks for always being so open and honest with what matters most in life.

  9. Oh my gosh, Maya. 😀 Poppy looks so much like you.

    I’m rly glad the spirit hoods turned out okay. I wish i could get one or maybe donate some.. But im in the Philippines and have no idea how to…

    So yeah. I’m looking forward to helping spread Childhood cancer awareness to the world. Even though i don’t rly know anyone who’s going through it. But your blog has opened my eyes to a lot. and i want to help. 🙂

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