Ronan. At the moment, I am feeling defeated. And really lost, lonely, used, and sad. I look around in the world and all I see are these fake plastic smiles. People who pretend they care, but they don’t. People who say they do, but they don’t. And just when I am coming up to get some air, I get the most devastating news delivered to me, since your death. I don’t think this is my news to share as it hit a little too close to home. I don’t think I need permission to share what it is that is going on, but I’m not feeling right about sharing it on here at the moment. I need to talk to the people in my life that I am closest to about how to handle all of this since this is my very open and honest blog, and when I talk on here it is about what is impacting my life at this very moment. I’m just not quite sure how to handle this. At this point, I am beyond heartbroken, scared, and sad. My family has been through so much. We don’t need anymore pain, but we cannot seem to escape it. I’m just so tired of it all. I’m just so tired of being sad, mostly. I’m learning to rely on my old friends more and seem to be wanting to keep them as close as I possibly can. The ones who I can trust and the ones who won’t let me down. The ones who are my family.
Just when I think my days cannot get any worse as I am trying to absorb the news that I have been hit with, your baby sister looks at me and rolls over for the first time. She feels me with hope, happiness, and a light that nobody can destroy because no matter what happens, she is mine and I am hers. I look at her, take a deep breath, and watch her little eyes fill up with a love that I have not seen in such a very long time. Eyes full of innocence, light and love that know no pain. Her eyes remind me so much of yours. I spent the weekend in a fog but a productive fog like always. Basketball games, time with your brothers, family things. I was out and about with Poppy, running errands in the retched heat. A lady came up to me in a parking lot, telling me her sad story and asking if I would buy her food. She was telling me how hungry she was, how she had lost her house, her life, her everything. I loaded Poppy in the car, grabbed some cash out of my wallet and handed it to her, but I couldn’t even speak. She then said to me, “Bless you child, bless you.” I looked up at her, my eyes filled with tears and I wanted to scream, “But NOBODY is blessing me! My son is dead, and now I am dealing with x,y, and z!” I screamed those words over and over in my head instead of out loud while I drove away into the hot bursting sun that looked like it was going to explode.
This is the part where I say, I know I am blessed to have the things that I have Ronan such as your brothers and sister, of course. I never forget that. But, I think I am entitled on some days to scream that I am in fact not blessed at all because I’m still just so mad, sad, angry and hurt over your cancer, all you went through and that you ended up dying anyway. Some days I am not blessed because I am still too blinded by the never-ending torture cancer killed my baby and I just want you back. And just when I am feeling like all hope is lost, something amazing appears out of the blue, only to be sent by you.
So, I started this post a little over a week ago. I have decided not to go into much detail as to what is going on, as I want to be respectful to my family. Nobody is hurt as of now. My brother is struggling with some issues, but thanks to my mom and her never-ending dying love for her children, he is safe for now. It’s no secret that my brother and I have not had the closest relationship, but at the end of the day, I love him and his sweet soul. I am begging you, Ronan, to help him get through this. I spoke to my brother on the phone a couple of days ago. I begged my mom to make him talk to me. He was resisting. She held the phone up to his ear and I just simply said, “Hey. I love you. I am here for you no matter what.” He told me through is his tears that he knew this and he loved me, too. I then said, “I am proud of you and I know you can do this.” I hope he carries those words with him and all that is he about to go through. I hope most of all, Ronan, he carries you with him and remembers your big blue eyes and how strong and brave you always were. I hope he can channel a little of your strength so he can come out of this healed and ready to start his new life that I know he is so capable of. I am so thankful for my mom for so many reasons, but today I am thankful for her because she single handily has saved my brother’s life. It’s up to him now to do the rest and I just hope and pray that he comes out the other side of this, Ronan. I know you will help him through this the best you can.
So, after my pity party week of feeling super sad, lost and alone, of course something magical appears as it always does when I need it the most. Remember how I told you that amazing company SpiritHoods jumped on board when I asked them to make a Spicy Monkey Hood in honor of you? WOW. I had no idea what this was going to turn into, but Ronan, I think we just did something big. Something so very big that is going to help change this world of childhood cancer that everybody seems to just ignore. I got a very last-minute email from the founder of the company, Alexander. It said something like, “Hey, I’m in Vegas next week, can I come from there to meet you?” You know my rule about never saying no to things, right? I try not to anymore. Ever. So of course I said yes even with everything that I have going on. Plans were made, and as always, I was not sure what to expect, so I just hoped for the best.
Do you know those moments in life when for a spit second, everything just feels right? That’s what if felt like for me the second I finally got to wrap my arms around Alexander and his stunningly gorgeous wife, Shay. Alexander is the founder of SpirtHoods and Shay is his wife, side kick and partner in everything. The two of them, combined, are beyond magic. We spent some time getting to know one another, but honestly I knew from the second I met them, that I have somehow, somewhere, known them before. Or maybe you knew them, Ronan which is why I felt so close and so at ease with them. I’ve been holding some things back in regards to your death and saving them for just the right people, the right moment, and the right time to do something really amazing and powerful with. I have no doubt in my mind, Alexander and Shay are just the right people to share our everything with.
The Spicy Monkey SpiritHood that was only just a dream of mine, is coming true. With 100% of the proceeds, going back to your Foundation. I am so thankful and humbled to be partnered up with this amazing organization. But the SpirtHood is only the beginning. After we got to talking, an idea came about because Alexander believed we could really take this story, to the next level. So, we made a short film. And a long documentary, as well. One full of days and nights of real footage, B-roll footage, interviews from our dearest souls, not a lot of sleep, lots of tears, sadness, laughter, honesty, love, and what day is it today?! Ronan, it is going to be so powerful. I held NOTHING back with all the sadness, truth and pain that the world of childhood cancer is really about, but nobody wants to show.
Little man. I will finish this post and this story, but not tonight. I started this over a week ago but between all that has been going on, I have not had the time to finish. Book writing is #1 priority right now, after your sister and brothers, of course.
Poppy and I took the red-eye out to NYC a couple of days ago. We needed a break before September, so to the Hamptons we went to see our Fairy RoMo. I so needed this break. I so needed to clear my head. I so needed to spend some time with one of our favorites and your Poppy sister’s Godmama. It’s lovely here. Beyond words.
I need to get some sleep. Everything is fuzzy and hurts. I’ll finish the rest of this, tomorrow I hope. Just wanted to give you some sort of an update.
I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.