A mushy messy update because too much has been going on.

tumblr_mrn83dB0Xo1rsbthxo1_500

 

 

 

Ronan. At the moment, I am feeling defeated. And really lost, lonely, used, and sad. I look around in the world and all I see are these fake plastic smiles. People who pretend they care, but they don’t. People who say they do, but they don’t. And just when I am coming up to get some air, I get the most devastating news delivered to me, since your death. I don’t think this is my news to share as it hit a little too close to home. I don’t think I need permission to share what it is that is going on, but I’m not feeling right about sharing it on here at the moment. I need to talk to the people in my life that I am closest to about how to handle all of this since this is my very open and honest blog, and when I talk on here it is about what is impacting my life at this very moment. I’m just not quite sure how to handle this. At this point, I am beyond heartbroken, scared, and sad. My family has been through so much. We don’t need anymore pain, but we cannot seem to escape it. I’m just so tired of it all. I’m just so tired of being sad, mostly. I’m learning to rely on my old friends more and seem to be wanting to keep them as close as I possibly can. The ones who I can trust and the ones who won’t let me down. The ones who are my family.

Just when I think my days cannot get any worse as I am trying to absorb the news that I have been hit with, your baby sister looks at me and rolls over for the first time. She feels me with hope, happiness, and a light that nobody can destroy because no matter what happens, she is mine and I am hers. I look at her, take a deep breath, and watch her little eyes fill up with a love that I have not seen in such a very long time. Eyes full of innocence, light and love that know no pain. Her eyes remind me so much of yours. I spent the weekend in a fog but a productive fog like always. Basketball games, time with your brothers, family things. I was out and about with Poppy, running errands in the retched heat. A lady came up to me in a parking lot, telling me her sad story and asking if I would buy her food. She was telling me how hungry she was, how she had lost her house, her life, her everything. I loaded Poppy in the car, grabbed some cash out of my wallet and handed it to her, but I couldn’t even speak. She then said to me, “Bless you child, bless you.” I looked up at her, my eyes filled with tears and I wanted to scream, “But NOBODY is blessing me! My son is dead, and now I am dealing with x,y, and z!” I screamed those words over and over in my head instead of out loud while I drove away into the hot bursting sun that looked like it was going to explode.

This is the part where I say, I know I am blessed to have the things that I have Ronan such as your brothers and sister, of course. I never forget that. But, I think I am entitled on some days to scream that I am in fact not blessed at all because I’m still just so mad, sad, angry and hurt over your cancer, all you went through and that you ended up dying anyway. Some days I am not blessed because I am still too blinded by the never-ending torture cancer killed my baby and I just want you back. And just when I am feeling like all hope is lost, something amazing appears out of the blue, only to be sent by you.

So, I started this post a little over a week ago. I have decided not to go into much detail as to what is going on, as I want to be respectful to my family. Nobody is hurt as of now. My brother is struggling with some issues, but thanks to my mom and her never-ending dying love for her children, he is safe for now. It’s no secret that my brother and I have not had the closest relationship, but at the end of the day, I love him and his sweet soul. I am begging you, Ronan, to help him get through this. I spoke to my brother on the phone a couple of days ago. I begged my mom to make him talk to me. He was resisting. She held the phone up to his ear and I just simply said, “Hey. I love you. I am here for you no matter what.” He told me through is his tears that he knew this and he loved me, too. I then said, “I am proud of you and I know you can do this.” I hope he carries those words with him and all that is he about to go through. I hope most of all, Ronan, he carries you with him and remembers your big blue eyes and how strong and brave you always were. I hope he can channel a little of your strength so he can come out of this healed and ready to start his new life that I know he is so capable of. I am so thankful for my mom for so many reasons, but today I am thankful for her because she single handily has saved my brother’s life. It’s up to him now to do the rest and I just hope and pray that he comes out the other side of this, Ronan. I know you will help him through this the best you can.

So, after my pity party week of feeling super sad, lost and alone, of course something magical appears as it always does when I need it the most. Remember how I told you that amazing company SpiritHoods jumped on board when I asked them to make a Spicy Monkey Hood in honor of you? WOW. I had no idea what this was going to turn into, but Ronan, I think we just did something big. Something so very big that is going to help change this world of childhood cancer that everybody seems to just ignore. I got a very last-minute email from the founder of the company, Alexander. It said something like, “Hey, I’m in Vegas next week, can I come from there to meet you?” You know my rule about never saying no to things, right? I try not to anymore. Ever. So of course I said yes even with everything that I have going on. Plans were made, and as always, I was not sure what to expect, so I just hoped for the best.

Do you know those moments in life when for a spit second, everything just feels right? That’s what if felt like for me the second I finally got to wrap my arms around Alexander and his stunningly gorgeous wife, Shay. Alexander is the founder of SpirtHoods and Shay is his wife, side kick and partner in everything. The two of them, combined, are beyond magic. We spent some time getting to know one another, but honestly I knew from the second I met them, that I have somehow, somewhere, known them before. Or maybe you knew them, Ronan which is why I felt so close and so at ease with them. I’ve been holding some things back in regards to your death and saving them for just the right people, the right moment, and the right time to do something really amazing and powerful with. I have no doubt in my mind, Alexander and Shay are just the right people to share our everything with.

The Spicy Monkey SpiritHood that was only just a dream of mine, is coming true. With 100% of the proceeds, going back to your Foundation. I am so thankful and humbled to be partnered up with this amazing organization. But the SpirtHood is only the beginning. After we got to talking, an idea came about because Alexander believed we could really take this story, to the next level. So, we made a short film. And a long documentary, as well. One full of days and nights of real footage, B-roll footage, interviews from our dearest souls, not a lot of sleep, lots of tears, sadness, laughter, honesty, love, and what day is it today?! Ronan, it is going to be so powerful. I held NOTHING back with all the sadness, truth and pain that the world of childhood cancer is really about, but nobody wants to show.

Little man. I will finish this post and this story, but not tonight. I started this over a week ago but between all that has been going on, I have not had the time to finish. Book writing is #1 priority right now, after your sister and brothers, of course.

Poppy and I took the red-eye out to NYC a couple of days ago. We needed a break before September, so to the Hamptons we went to see our Fairy RoMo. I so needed this break. I so needed to clear my head. I so needed to spend some time with one of our favorites and your Poppy sister’s Godmama. It’s lovely here. Beyond words.

I need to get some sleep. Everything is fuzzy and hurts. I’ll finish the rest of this, tomorrow I hope. Just wanted to give you some sort of an update.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

 

Nobody puts Ronan in a corner

1376999334510279

 

We are seriously taking over for the month of September, which is childhood cancer awareness month. I am going to post an update of events soon, but for now you must check this out.

It is seriously awesome. I freaking love me some Patrick Swayze. Thank you, FilmBar Phoenix for being so rad and choosing our foundation to support.

xx

I happen to like 3 a.m.

tumblr_mrces6qM221rn7ofzo1_400

Ronan. If I don’t write to you tonight, my head might explode. Today was one of those days where I cannot fall asleep because my head is spinning. There is so much going on here, that I can’t even see straight. What have I been doing? Running around like a chicken with its head cut off. September is right around the corner and we have so much going on and coming up that I don’t even know where to start, so I’m going to start somewhere completely random. Your brothers started school last week. Did I already tell you that in an earlier post? I cannot remember. They started the 4th grade. I can’t even believe that as the time has gone by so fast with those two. Of course, on their first day of school, I dropped them off and sat and watched them as they walked into school together, from my car. My heart broke into thousands of pieces not getting you to watch you walk into school with them. Would have it been kindergarten or first grade for you? Not sure, because of your almost summer birthday. If you would have survived cancer, I’ll bet we would have waited to start you in kindergarten until this year, so you would have been on the older side. I never thought I would be begging for the side effects of treatment from you cancer, but I would have given anything for those problems instead of having you just dead.

Just as I was sitting there, watching your brothers, I saw an old mom friend of mine, walking her little boy into school. An old ghost mommy friend as I like to call them, because at one time they existed, or did they? Sometimes I think they may have been just a figment of my imagination.

Crap. I know that lady, I thought to myself as I watched her walk her new kindergartener into the school. But I can’t place how I know her. Did I know her from my time with Liam and Quinn when they were at their preschool or did I know her from when you were there? Was she a Liam and Quinn kind of mommy friend or and Ronan kind of mommy friend? A ghostly past of my preschool mommy friends who went away after you got sick and died and who never looked back, or did I only know her during my blissfully happy days when I lived in happy land and childhood cancer did not exist. I run into those ghosts of my mommy past sometimes. Some days, I run screaming the other way. Some days, I smile and pretend like everything is o.k. or like my feelings are not hurt at all for the friendships I thought I had, but it turns out it was not as true as I had once thought in my mind. At the end of the day, I’m o.k. with it all though. The Fernanda’s, Stacy’s, Macy’s, and Mandy’s make everything more than o.k. in that department and I know, the one’s that stuck and fought for me and you… well, I am SO beyond lucky to have them as they rock my world every fucking day.

This week has been the kind of week where I am saying yes to everything that is thrown my way. Yes to the Gold Weekend in September.  Yes to the Spirithoods founder wanting to come out here to meet us and film a documentary next week.  Yes to helping Jim Fry drum up some press for his crazy kick ass bike ride through the Pyrenees. Yes to the interview where I will be featured once again in the Phoenix Magazines Movers and Shakers of the Valley. Yes to Liam and Quinn I am super mommy and can take on the world while helping you with your massive amounts of homework and whatever else you need. Yes to everything Poppy, of course. Yes to running on my very bummed out hurt knee that I obviously did something to over the summer, but I am choosing to ignore it because as I told Woody tonight, “If Ronan can go through cancer treatments, I can run on a fucking hurt knee.” Yes to everything while still making time to write this book which leaves me with little time to sleep or eat for that matter.

I can’t sleep and the whole eating thing is just getting in the way of what I am doing, so I’ve decided to take a break from that as well. I work best on fumes, anyway. Will I crack, will I break, will I have a massive super meltdown? I really hope not until after at least September. I’ve got too much to do as of now.

I’m also a little sad this week due to more than just your death. Remember that crazy ass stalker, Mandy Bee who swooped into my life like a Tasmanian devil? Who never claimed to be anything but a crazy stalker who just wanted to be my friend and who did things like drop off candy and leg warmers at my front door until I could not longer say no to becoming friends with her? What can I say, she learned my weaknesses early on. I mean candy AND leg warmers? I didn’t stand a chance. So, I let her into my life sometimes just a little and sometimes a lot. Sometimes I felt overwhelmed with amount of love she wanted to shower me with, so I would pull back a little. I often didn’t feel like I was worthy of the love she was wanting to give me.  Well, that crazy ass bitch moved right down the street and right when I was starting to become just as obsessed with her, as she is with me, she pulled the rug out from underneath me and is moving back to Canada. WTH, Ronan? That is not being a very good stalker, if you ask me. Mandy has become my side kick, my partner in crime and I’ve gotten really used to having her around. I am kind of heartbroken. I was texting about Mandy moving back to Canada with Stacy the other night. She said to me, “You know, all Mandy every wanted from you was your friendship. Nothing else.” I know this. It was never a friendship built on, I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine. It was always, I’m going to scratch your back, even if you don’t let me, I’m going to do it anyway, while jumping out of a plane and skydiving with you. Mandy never had alternative motive. The day I met her, she announced she was fucking crazy and never pretended to be anything but that. I’ve gotten quite used to that crazy and I love it. So yeah, I’m a little more than sad about it but once you are sisters in this world, you are sister for life. I know she won’t ever be too far away and she will be back her often, which will help to soften the blow just a little. I’m still super sad about it though and I really think the whole situation, sucks balls.

Poppy, Poppy, Poppy. Somebody today asked me if we had started up “Mommy and Baby” classes yet. I looked dumbfounded and said, “Uhhhh, no. Unless you count taking her to every single foundation meeting with me as mommy and baby time.” Crap. Aren’t I supposed to be starting music classes with her or something like that to get her “socialized?” I’m sure that’s what I was up to when I had you, Liam and Quinn at this age. Maybe 4 months is a little early, but I’m sure I was doing it at around 6 months. Whatever. We do take music classes every day and they are called Taylor Swift is rad. We sing and dance to her songs and Poppy likes it best when I lull her to sleep with them. Those classes with just the two of us are better than anything I could ever pay for.

Alright, little man. This is all for tonight. I’ve got to try to turn my brain off. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. G’nite, baby boy.

xoxo

I never fall asleep without thinking of you all

tumblr_mr5e4iCQ3m1r18dpzo1_500

 

 

I just want to take a minute on here and say thank you to all of you. After being away for the summer, I came home to piles and piles of mail, gifts for Poppy, checks for the foundation, and I even got glitter bombed after opening up a box. You all make me smile, laugh, and cry on a daily basis and although I can’t write each and every one of you thank you’s… please know that I am doing it here, and I say thank you to you all about 100 times a day in my head.

There are so many amazing things going on. If you have a second, please read about what the amazing Jim Fry is doing below.

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/jimfry/hauteroute

If you have the means, please donate to his fundraiser. Every little cent helps. If you don’t have the means, please spread the word for us. What Jim is doing is inspiring and so moving. Even with all of his determination, he knows it is nothing compared to what these kids go through and that is the most moving thing of all.

I feel a movement happening in the world. One that I am so touched by. I’ve literally received thousands and thousands of emails and letters from not only adults everywhere, but kids as well. Kids who I swear are going to change this world of pediatric cancer. They are holding fundraisers for Ronan, starting clubs at their schools, writing reports about the lack of awareness out there, doing amazing school projects about Ronan’s foundation, writing songs for him, doing their birthday parties and instead of gifts they are asking for donations instead, etc…. I live for the youth of America. I live for these kids who are going to grow up to do amazing things all because of a little boy they learned about because he will never get the chance.  And they know that is so wrong and how it could happen to anyone; even them. They aren’t scared and running the other way. They are being proactive about this very broken world and to me, the mother of a child who died from this… that means everything.

I got sent a little poem from a 13-year-old girl named Eugenia. She had a class assignment and it was to describe a room and explain how the objects in the room say things about the person living in it. She chose to do it about my bedroom. The poem is below.

The light on at night illuminates how she doesn’t sleep well thinking about how she feels it’s her fault

The athletic shoes next to the door jog the idea that she runs to clear her mind

The pictures of her son all over the room visualize how they were close and that she misses him like crazy

His little bald head in the photos discloses that his life was a hard one even though it was short

His toys on the floor play out his innocence; how he was taken too young at 3 years old

The boxes of tissues whisper about how she spends every day crying over him

The spot on her bed between her and her husband portrays that he would sleep in their bed

The urn on her night stand murmurs that they keep him close and never let him go

The necklace around her neck filled with some of his ashes witnesses how she needs to keep him close to survive

The letters of apologies opened and unopened spell out how many loved ones he had

The bracelets with his name on them tie up the fact that they are trying to spread the word of this horrible disease

The computer on the floor next to the bed reminds us how she needs her blog to express her emotions of grief and pain and tell his story 

The sonogram under the pillow wet with tears of joy and despair portraits how her new baby will be a girl; he always said he wanted a little sister

The deep sad look in her eyes sends the message to us that even on the happiest of days she will always be sad because her life is incomplete without him.

 For Maya and Ro. Always for Ro.

 

 

This 13-year-old gets me better than most adults. As I read the words above, the tears just poured to the floor. I thought it was so heartfelt and beautiful. I am so moved by this younger generation of kids and the way they are helping move these mountains. Thank you, E. Don’t let anyone every dull your sparkle;) You are making this world a better place.

I’ve got to run now and work on this book.

I hope you all are well and please know that I know, that I would not be where I am today, without you. Thank you for helping me to fight for my little boy so much so that his name will never get lost.

xx

 

Because a child’s life is worth more than Gold

tumblr_mpzq4ntyXL1swsiy2o1_500

We are slammed busy foundation wise here as we are gearing up for September, which is childhood cancer awareness month. You all have been asking about The Gold Party like crazy; and we don’t blame you as last year was a huge success.

This year, we have decided to do an entire GOLD weekend. Please keeps the dates of September 27th and 28th open and ready. We have 2 different events we will be doing as we had some amazing opportunities come our way.

I promise details will be coming soon, but it takes time to finalize it all.

Hope you all are well!

xoxo

An Open Letter to Mr. David Van Andel,

IMG_8599

Dear David Van Andel,

Let me introduce myself. My name is Maya Thompson. I am the mother of Ronan Thompson. A little almost 4-year-old boy, who died of Neuroblastoma, just over 2 years ago. Ronan was diagnosed at the age of 3 and fought with everything he had for 8 months. To watch your child die changes you in a way that I hope you never have to know. It has changed me in many ways. Some ways are good, some ways are bad, but I wear my scars with pride in honor of my son. He is the reason I will now be a voice and a fighter for all the kids, who are unfortunately dealing with this monster known as childhood cancer, for the rest of my life.

My new life without my son now consists of fighting for him daily. There is nothing like the love between a mother and a child. It’s an unbreakable bond that not even death can steal. While my fighting for my son, I have formed an amazing army of people along the way who are in an uproar about childhood cancer, the awful statistics, the lack of funding, the barbaric treatments, etc… They have stood by my side and together, we are making some amazing things happen so that hopefully one day, a mother like myself, won’t have to watch her child die.

We did everything we could for Ronan. We saw the best doctors, sought out the best advice, followed what we thought was the right treatment for his disease, but unfortunately, that just wasn’t enough and time ran out for our son. Towards the end of Ronan’s treatment, we sought out the help of Dr. Giselle Sholler. Ronan’s disease progressed quickly and he died before we could get him under the care of Giselle.

I took some time after Ronan died, to let myself fall apart only so I could be put back together again with the strength I needed to go on and continue to fight on for my son. While doing this, I did a lot of research and reading on the best doctors for this disease and I quietly kept my eye on Dr. Sholler. I started attending some conferences where I knew she would be in attendance.   My husband and I made a trip out to Austin, Texas to hear her speak at the NMTRC conference. I wanted to do my research on her to make sure she was the right person that I was going to commit to helping support. I take this all very seriously, because at the end of the day, it is my son who I still answer to, even if he is dead.

Dr. Sholler’s credentials are unbelievable as you know, and seeing the way she is impacting this disease is truly remarkable. But what really sealed the deal for me was getting to know her personally. Never in my life have I seen a doctor who is not only brilliant, but who also truly cares for her patients, the way she does. With this said, when I decided to support Dr. Sholler, I committed to support her in any way that I can, which is the whole reason behind this letter.

A few months ago, it was brought to my attention that Dr. Sholler would be parting ways with the Van Andel Institute and her research would now be housed with Spectrum Health System. I was of course saddened to hear this news, because we all in the cancer world had such high hopes from what would come from her collaborating with such a powerful institution. What I have learned this spring and early summer literally breaks my heart.

As you know, children who fight cancer are trying to not only survive, but just be children while their parents search and pray and hope for their cure to be found.  Children depend on the voices of advocacy surrounding them and too many times, other research overshadows that of pediatric research simply because children do not make the “big decisions.” Children do not vote; they do not have the chance to understand or speak out on behalf of themselves; we are their voice.

I have quietly stood back, trusting that Dr. Sholler’s transition from Van Andel to Spectrum would work itself out.  After all, everyone’s number one goal is to help the children who so desperately need it.  But, I have been told that a clinical trial was dramatically delayed due to a contract issue.  It is my understanding that several parents and donors reached out to Van Andel desperately pleading for a quick resolution.  I believe that some parents even reached out to you directly.  After a long delay, it seems that the issues with the contract have finally been resolved.  Unfortunately, there was a period of time where children needing treatment were unable to enroll in this particular trial.  It seems to me that contracts should not get in the way of the helping to save kids’ lives.

It has also been brought to my attention that many of the funds and equipment that Dr. Sholler was using for her trials are now being held back by the Van Andel Institute. One would just assume that all funds and medical equipment donated to Dr. Sholler’s program while she was working at the VAI would simply move with her to Spectrum Heath where she is continuing her program.  Many generous people and organizations donated a lot of money to Dr. Sholler’s program.  The purpose of the money was not to produce a robust bottom line for a research institute, but rather, the purpose was to provide Dr. Sholler and her team the resources to fight Neuroblastoma.  As such, I am saddened and confused to learn that a significant amount of money and equipment is being held back by the Van Andel Institute.

These two recent developments lead me to the pivotal question: how did the message got so lost? What is more important than the lives of the kids? As a mother myself, I can tell you nothing is more important. As I a mother of a dead child, who died from this disease, I can tell you I will do anything in my power to help support the doctor who I know is going to change the face of this monster.

Please help me in supporting Dr. Sholler, whom I know you believe in. Please, I implore you to not simply forward this letter to the lawyers and bean counters.  Please, no more lawyers’ letters.  Please, no more parents’ and donors’ e-mails ignored.  Please, no more lengthy delays.

Please, do what is right. Please, give Dr. Sholler the funds and equipment so she can focus on what she is doing — treating and saving the lives of these kids who deserve to have a life.

At the end of the day, I know we all want the same thing. We all want to treat kids, give them better outcomes, and survival rates, and ultimately, a cure for this disease. I may never get my son back, but I won’t ever stop trying in whatever way I can, to make him proud.

Thank you from my forever broken heart, for listening,

Maya Thompson

Mom to Ronan and Cancer Fighting Ninja for LIFE

tumblr_mr0hq2xHHY1ql4i5yo1_400

“Hey guys, do you want me to move back in with you?”

tumblr_mqyqlt4jPc1rod34eo1_500

Ronan. Yesterday was a shit storm of a day, emotionally wise for me. I think I spent the day crying for almost 24 hours straight. It’s not enough that I have a dead kid, but sometimes I feel like I am supposed to be saving the world, along with everyone else around me. Most days I can handle it, but then after taking on so much, for so long, I will end up cracking. I had a super intense day of missing you yesterday and I just wanted a day where I could sit quietly, miss you and grieve for you, but I had some other things come my way that I needed to try to take care of. I had a day of feeling like I was doing nothing right, I was hurting everyone’s feelings, and all the expectations that people expect from me… well I just cannot not live up to them. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live up to them. It’s hard for me to maintain relationships where people expect certain things of me. I will eventually let someone down, and I’m really hard on myself about that. It’s a kind of pressure that is just sometimes too much on top of all of this so instead, I just shut down and go away. I am just trying to do my best and I am fully aware that my best is often times, not good enough for others. I am always sorry about that and this is why the people who I am closest to in my life, know not to expect a thing. It’s really the only way I can do friendships now. They expect nothing and go completely bananas when I do rise up to the occasion and my hard work seems to be paying off. Take Stacy for instance. We had a phone call the other day with Bret Michaels assistant to get everything lined up for something we are doing with him. Bret has been so supportive of you and this fight, and I am so thankful for that.  About an hour after hanging up the phone, I saw I had a message from Stace. I listened to it and she was going on and on about what amazing things I have done, “I am so proud of you. Look at everything you have done, and you just keep going on with more and more amazing things. Ronan would be so proud of you.” I listened to her message, sobbing of course. Her words meant so much as they always do, but on that day especially as the day seemed to be extra hard for me. Stacy called to let me know how much she loves me, even when I can be bratty/hard to understand/crazy/overly emotional about everything related to you; because that’s what true friends do. They don’t want to tear you down, true friends are there to lift you up, especially in times that seem extra hard. For me, those are most days and Stacy never seems to forget that. I am truly grateful for friends like her.

It feels like a lot of people forget that at the end of the day, despite all the good I am trying to do, I am still just a grieving mom. It’s been hard to navigate the people who have come into my life and I’m suddenly having an identity crisis of being paranoid that I have been used and feeling like people have taken our situation tweaked it to their advantage. When it comes to all things  you, your life, your death, and everything that has come after, I am so protective and so sensitive to every little thing. I was driving to the airport to pick up your daddy and I was crying so hard I could barely see the road. I pulled over to take a little break and I also wanted to send CC a little text to check up on her as she was suddenly very on my mind. It turns out she too was having a shit storm of a moment exactly when I texted her. I called her and she picked up, crying too. I couldn’t even talk. “What’s wrong, what’s wrong, what’s wrong! Talk to me!” She yelled into the phone. Talk I did. Or more like the blubbering cry that I have come accustomed to. I could hardly get any of my words out, but she always knows what the huge problem is and why it is that I will forever be crying. I told her what it was that had set me off. I listened to her, listen. She calmed me down, but was still crying herself, therefore, I continued to cry as well. So that’s pretty much what we did on the phone for a good 45 minutes, was talk and cry and talk and cry. I hung up feeling sad for my friend and sad for myself but so thankful to have the friendship that we do. One where she knows I will never judge her and she will never judge me. I think back about going through all of this and the way Charisma treated me. Like her dying little flower that she would let wilt and die, but she would always be there to water it. I think back to the conversations I had with Charisma after you died, Ronan. A lot. They got me through some really dark times. I remember being on the phone with her a lot, always late at night as I would go outside and pace back and forth. “Maya. I didn’t like that last blog post. I’m scared for you. What can I do? Walk me through your head right now.” I would walk her through things and I always appreciated how honest she was with me about how hard this was, to watch me go through. She never whispered about me, she whispered with me. It doesn’t get much truer than that. That is a good soul. That is a good friend. I know she will always be here to whisper in the dark with me, Ronan. I always do this on the phone with her while looking up at the stars wondering if you can see me. Did you see me all those times, pacing like a wild animal, trying to explain to Charisma the method behind my madness? I always felt like you did. How I hope you still do.

We are back in Phoenix. Summer lazy lifestyle is officially over. It was a good summer, but for me, it was a very intense hard summer as well. Some reasons I will disclose. Some reasons I will not. Let’s just say I have been distracted by some very intense things going on inside the cancer world and on a personal level as well. Summer was hard and heavy, but I imagine it always will be. Your Sparkly said it best after listening to all that was going on when he said, “Darling, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this, but you cannot save the world.” I know this be that doesn’t mean I won’t continue to try.

On my last night with your Nana and Papa, I was sitting on the floor with Poppy and we were all kind of watching, “Orange is The New Black,” (my new favorite series that I am NOT embarrassed to say I watched in an 24 hour period) I looked up to see your Nana sitting on the couch and Papa Jim in his chair.

“Hey, do you guys want me to move back in with you?! That would be so fun!”

They both just kind of laughed and Papa Jim said something like, “Oh, yes! Please do!” In his smart-ass voice.

“I really would. You guys are really awesome roommates.”

I don’t think your daddy would be down with that, but the bottom line is, I LOVE BEING HOME. With my family, so much. We are always so well taken care of and loved there. Thanks, Rosa aka, Mom. You are the best mom on the planet and I love you so much. Thanks for ALWAYS loving and never judging. Even when I was at my worst. We miss you and Papa Jim so much already.

Alright, little man. I need to go now. I’ve got another post to post after this, explaining a little about what has been going on in the cancer world that I am just SICKENED over. It’s something we’ve been dealing with for months, but only now am I going to speak very lightly about it. Why can’t people in this world just DO THE RIGHT THING? Especially when it comes to bright minds who are only trying to save the lives of others.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo