Late night rants and I can’t put Poppy down.


Ronan. Fucking, fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m venting on here tonight and I don’t even care. I have been spending all of my nights, writing about this nightmare for this book and going back to re read my blog, which I’ve NEVER done, to reference some things.

This is beyond torture. I knew this was going to be hard, but SHITBALLS! This is beyond sick. I would give anything to be tucking you into bed instead.

So, the little time at night that I sleep, I have been having horrific nightmares. Last night, Poppy had cancer and went from being my healthy, chubby baby girl, to wilting away in my arms as I watched her die. Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Can’t I catch a break around here?! I mean, I wake up to a nightmare everyday, which is not having you here, and I can’t even go to sleep without being tortured as well. Where are my puppies, unicorns and rainbows when I need them? Oh, I remember. I stopped subscribing to those a long time ago. Lucky me. Whatever. It is impossible for me to have gone through something like this and just stick my head in the sand and pretend like nothing happened. I’m so sick of hearing from the idiots of the world that now that I have Poppy, I should just move on and leave all of this behind. Well, nobody has ever told this to my face, but as always, I hear the whispers and they are whispers of BULLSHIT from sad souls who are obviously so self absorbed that they think that going through something like this, then having a baby makes everything disappear. That is so very untrue and so very ignorant.

Leave all of this behind?! Are you kidding me? Never. I will never sell my soul to the devil that way. I will never sell out and “move on” from Ronan. Yesterday, I woke up to 7 kids dying of cancer. 7!!!!  And that is only in the United States! Where are the riots on the street for that?!? Unbelievable.

I am not going anywhere, ever. I will stay here and continue to fight for you, Ronan and for all of these other kids until the day I die. I am not going “back” to my life of happy. I am a tortured soul and I can live with that. If anybody that is close to me has a problem with that, then please feel free to exit. The whispers are getting beyond fucking annoying.

Ronan. I started that rant a while ago. I think I was in the middle of being consumed by my writing at night and obviously I needed a break. My break came at the perfect timing as my childhood best friend, invited us down to stay with her over the weekend in Hood River, Oregon. It’s taken me a while to be able to say yes to something like this. I know Amy has been wanting to see me for a while now, but it’s honestly taken me this long to get back to that place where I feel I can see people again. Coming to your Nana and Papa’s is wonderful in so many ways, but I do tend to turn into a little of a hermit here. Meaning I don’t go out and do a lot of things. I prefer to stay home and only venture out for little adventures, here and there. Thankfully, they have enough acres and space to make us feel like we are in a different world, off doing a million adventures, without having to leave or drive anywhere to do so. When Amy asked to see us, I hesitated a little bit but ended up telling her we would come to her. We needed a change of scenery and I very much needed a break from my writing. Plus, I really have missed my dear friend.

We headed out on Friday for a weekend full of all thing amazing and beautiful that the Pacific Northwest has to offer this time of year. Mountain biking up some wicked trails, running through sprinklers, blueberry picking, ice cream, watching the boys play and splash on the beach, an amazing hike, all in a 48 hour period. Your brothers had such fun with her boys that they didn’t want to leave. I handled the weekend pretty well and tried not to let the wind get knocked out of me every time Amy’s very spicy 3-year-old, did something naughty. Oh, how he reminded me of you. He even has that same color of copper hair. Seeing your brothers with him and watching them giggle whenever he did something he was not supposed to do, broke my heart over and over again. But I survived the weekend much like the way I survive this life, by being surrounded by really amazing people and letting myself get lost in the smiles from your brothers and cuddles from your sister.

At one point Amy said to me, “You know you can put Poppy down, right?” Apparently I had been walking around pretty much the entire weekend, without setting her down except for when I had to change her diaper, but I hadn’t noticed this. I just looked at Amy and said, “Put her down? I never put her down. I can’t.” Errrrrr… I might be turning into an obsessive psycho maniac over your sister, but we all know there is a good reason behind this. Besides the fact that she is just too adorable to ever stop staring at.

Our weekend was wonderful and I’m back to the grind of trying to juggle 50 things at once. Yesterday, I felt so beat down that I almost cracked. It’s times like these that your Nana can sense it all and looks at me and says, “Give me Poppy and go for a run to blow off some steam.” That’s precisely what I did. It’s going to be hard to leave this place to go back to the realities of Arizona. It is still really hard for me to be there, but I will stick it out until something comes along to take us elsewhere. A change is in the air I think but I’m just not sure what that looks like as of now.

I have some other not so fun things to vent about, but I’m not going to do that now as I have to get back to the hours I need to put in with your book. All will come in due time. I also have some really amazing things to share as well as the sad/beautiful seem to live hand in hand.

I miss you so much, Ronan. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.


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36 responses to “Late night rants and I can’t put Poppy down.”

  1. Whispers of bullshit they sure as hell are. You had a child taken away from you. Its not fair, you shouldn’t move on if you are content where you are. Ronan is with you. I promise to never be a whisper of bullshit, bless you and your family, and well as your, our, angel boy Ronan.

  2. Started following you a while ago. My son died of heart attack 3 month ago… So I need to read your posts, just need to. You know…. Hugs from Marianne in Denmark.

  3. If people aren’t going to support you, they can fuck off. No other mother lost Ronan – you did. No other mother has to write a book about his death – you do. So no one else has the right to tell you, or whisper about you, that you should move on. Yes, you have Poppy – she is not Ronan. A child is irreplaceable.

  4. RoMama
    Let the whispers fall off your shoulders. Idiots with the whispers have probably never lost a loved one. You don’t get over it. #fucancer
    Rolove to you always. Enjoy Poppy girl. She’s getting so big. Chunky monkey. ❤ Xo

  5. Maya,

    One thing I hate & I mean hate! Is when people decide for you…to get over things. Firstly no one can ever tell the heart to heal until its ready. Yeah it’s ok for them to look the other way & go on with their lives isn’t it? You are not crazy you have been through too much. You have now became an amazing advocate for parents who are going through the same thing. We love you Saint Maya. Sometimes crazy is right.

  6. Love the pics Maya…they kids look so happy and natural. Baby Poppy is growing into a big princess. I know & can feel Ronan there with you all in spirit.

  7. Amazing pics…the one taken from behind of Quinn or Liam (can’t tell who) walking holding hands with the little boy took my breath away. Shouldn’t that be Ronan?

    Forget those people who don’t get what you are doing, if they don’t get it then sadly they never knew the type of love between you and Ronan and they probably won’t ever. To hell with people like that. Hang in there with the book, you have a story to tell that will bring Ronan’s life to even more people.

  8. Hugs maya. How ridiculous as of anybody could forget him and move on for gods sake people are so stupid! I never even met him and I think about him constantly!!! 7 more kids, 7 more families that is just so unfair maya. I was truly pissed yesterday watchin every news channel going on and on and on about the ‘royal baby’ every child is important!!!!!!! Why did talia not make the big news channels!!! Or our beautiful Lilly Mae Morrison in Ireland fighting this disgusting neuroblastoma her family are amazing fighting this one step forwards to back fight every day!!!

    Sickened this week and can’t stop thinking about talia too 😦 half her life spent in hospitals not bloody fair

  9. Thank you Maya for being raw, unfiltered and yourself. I do what I can to spread awareness about neuroblastoma while standing by my Sammy as he battles this monster. Just this week I’ve shared 7 NB warriors whose battle has ended in July.

    William Abernathy
    Abigail Goss
    Talia Castellano
    Braden Strebeck
    Adam Bird
    Henley Romine
    Onja Howard

    It’s been a trying month to say the least.

    For Ronan and all theses kids!

    Thank you

  10. Samantha Romero Avatar
    Samantha Romero

    There is nothing to “get over” you lost a child, that is something you could never “get over”! Those people are not supporters or firends they are speaking BULLSHIT. Period! You rock and what you are doing in Ronan’s honor is amazing! I’ve never met you, but feel so much compassion for you! I cannot wait for your book!!! And little Poppy is an absolute doll and I wouldn’t put her down either! Keep doing what you are doing and you are and amazing Mama, inspiration, and a ROCKSTAR!!!!

  11. Stay strong Maya. That which does not kill us makes us stronger. I love your strength and will that comes through in your words. Your pixs are great……I like the details you capture in them….don’t stop sharing Poppygirl and the boys!

  12. Poppy and Ro`s smile and eyes are so much alike 🙂 I believe he sent her for you. He`s looking after you

  13. Ashley Maughan Avatar
    Ashley Maughan

    So sorry 😦
    Can’t imagine the pain you feel

  14. Maya…I’m so sorry. Every time I read anything you write, I”m so sorry. I once tried to read your blog from the beginning…it killed me! I was a complete wreck myself and couldn’t keep going, I cannot ever imagine you rereading this. It has be absolute torture to say the very least. Fuck anyone who wants to blow off the fact that you lost a child and can never be normal, who could be normal? The pure thought of my child dying kills me and brings me tears instantly! I can’t understand some people…I truly never will. I’m sure people just want you to be happy, but that’s a lot to expect from anyone who has had such a great loss in their life, the worst kind of loss truly imaginable. Poppy is there to add a little sun light to your dark life you now live, but she will never replace your beautiful Ro, that’s just ridiculous to think. I’m so happy you had a great time with your friend, the pics are wonderful. Your family is so lucky to have such an amazing mother, wife and daughter in their lives. I truly do not know how you do it… you are amazing. Love you guys, and I think of you every day.

  15. That little Poppy one is the image of Ronan! I swear she’ll be a model someday, she’s so pretty! And hell, I’m gonna go and start a protest here in Belfast over 7 children with cancer!!! 😡 It just makes my blood boil

  16. She’s SO beautiful. All of your children are beautiful. Ro lives in Poppy. You know that. He lives in all of us, thanks to you and your blog. I am thankful for you and your willingness to continue to share this story. CANCER SUCKS. Thank you Maya.

  17. Ugh. People suck. They have zero empathy. And I love, LOVE how someone can possibly think having a baby magically takes away the pain and grief of losing another human being. It’s not a replacement for the life that was taken from your own. It doesn’t complete your broken family and fix your damaged heart. I’m sure it helps and comforts but it’s not a cure. SO fucking frustrating! I’m sorry those certain people are assholes, try to exclude them from your life because they don’t matter if they can’t support you. Seriously, you will feel so much better, mentally and physically in the long run, leaving them behind.

  18. Maya, as I read, your mom took Poppy and told you to go for a run, I thought your mom must be an amazing woman. I have a grown daughter and I can only imagine the pain your mom must feel having to watch you go through losing Ronan, and grieving him. Your mom lost her grandchild. but she also lost the joy of seeing you happy, which is as you know what every mom lives for. I believe she would probably give her own life to make this better for you. I imagine it tears her apart, but my guess is she doesn’t let you see that, she pretends to be strong, she is your safe place to fall. You are amazing Maya, and I am sure your mom had a lot to do with that. (((Hugs to both of you))).

  19. Baby Poppy is so beautiful, I could look at her all day long. I am glad that you are enjoying some time away from Arizona, it sure looks like a beautiful place. The boys are getting big and little sister is growing everyday, what a beautiful place to build memories. Try to enjoy your time away, pretty soon it will be back to school for those handsome boys!! Hugs to you and your family. xoxo

  20. As I was reading your post, I thought of how difficult it will be to read this book. (Which I will). Magnify that feeling by a billion and that is how difficult it must be for you to write this book. You are an amazing mother, so many people are proud of you and thankful for the awareness that you have raised on this nightmare of childhood cancer. You ARE making a difference.

  21. The whispers are bullshit! You just go ahead and keep living your life the way you need to to survive and be a good mamma and kick cancer’s ass! The whispers may seem loud – but I promise, those of us who are behind you – we are louder! Louder than the bullshit yelling GO MAYA GO!

  22. When we had boy/girl twins after our son Jake died someone said to me “Oh, how perfect you got your boy back.” No child replaces another one. There is no “getting over” your dead child/children. I wish you did not have to listen to those whispers.

    I am so glad that you got to spend time with your childhood friend. And, if I were you I don’t think I would ever put Poppy down either!


  23. To those people who whisper, “Get over it. You have a new child now.” ask them what they would do if they lost an arm or a leg. That amputation would take away their abilities for a long time. They would need time for their body to heal. And then imagine getting a prosthetic arm or leg. You gain back some of your abilities, but it’s not the same. You may be able to button a button or tie a shoe or go for a run, but it’s not the same as it was before. It doesn’t feel the same and sometimes, the prosthetic can cause infections or sores. They never get that old arm back and just can’t do things the same way as before. Losing a child and having another one after that are similar, not the same, but similar. You can never get Ronan back and things will never be the same without him. Yes, Poppy has brought some healing into your life and family, but even with that healing, you are still missing Ronan. And even with Poppy, you will still have days when the pain of losing Ronan is fresh as if it just happened. There is no telling what will set it off. You would be having days like that even without writing this book. I have a friend who broke down in uncontrollable sobs simply because she was fixing supper and saw the weight of the bag of dried beans she was using. It was the same weight as her baby daughter when she died. It’s been 10 years since she buried her daughter and just seeing numbers on a bag of beans sent her right back there to that day. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that what you are feeling is wrong. Feel what you feel and do what you do because that is what gets you through it.

  24. Wonderful pictures! Thank you for sharing yourself! XOXO

  25. Maya,

    I have been following your blog for over a year or so, and I lost contact with it, until it popped up somewhere recently while I was sitting at work. I have re-read your entire blog over again, for the past week. I have been wanting to tell you something, anything, for so long, but have thought my words would never be good enough or mean anything. But this time around, I can’t help myself. You have inspired me in a way that no one has ever done before. You have made me want to be a better person, a better mother, a better girlfriend, a better daughter and to never take anything for granted. I feel so close to you, and have a love for you and your family. I am sorry if that seems creepy, but Ronan has touched me in a way that I can’t even begin to describe. Most beautiful baby boy to ever be on this earth. Thank you so much for having a huge impact on my life, in the way that you have, and still do. You are nothing short of amazing. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers all the time. Thank you so much for being you, opening your life to us all. You never will know how much you really have impacted my life. Thanks again, P.s. I see Ronan in your little baby girl. Its crazy. Thinking of you always!

    Courtney Oyler

  26. Dearest Maya:
    Of course you never want to put Poppy down! She’s an absolute doll, a precious, precious gift. Soaking in every bit of her is absolutely how it should be. That little one…I wonder if she knows how much she is loved…those deep, wide eyes sure do look like she’s got it all figured out 😉 My children and I have the best time watching her little videos and looking at her pics. I’m sure she makes everybody around her just melt!

    As far as the bullshit whisperers, I picture them like this: they have their heads jammed so far up their own asses, it’s actually amusing. Laughing at them makes it easier to shrug them off. There’s absolutely no time for that nonsense…for them to say those things just proves how ignorant and unaware they are. I’m sorry that you have to walk amidst the whispers, it’s not fair. I’m of the opinion that you have FAR more supporters and people who absolutely think the world of you out here, than there are insignificant ass-heads. Gross ass-heads.

    Much love to you always & continued thanks for sharing your everything with us. You are truly amazing. Ronan is amazing. Your family has a great big piece of my heart.
    Always, Elizabeth

  27. Awww Maya, that quote “Hell is empty and all the devils are here” is quite true. Who the hell could get over the death of their child? I mean really, I could never fathom how I could continue living, nor expect that from a grieving mother. Obviously, Poppy has brought you some sunshine but to get over him and move on? Fuck bitches. Really. #fuckbitches #bitchesbetrippin

    Thank you for sharing your Poppy, Quinny and Liam pictures, they are just adorable!

  28. Hey Maya, you’re just fab, I know your book will be just great and educate, at the same time inspiring parents to value the most valuable thing on this planet, your children.
    @ Ronan, I’m sorry you’re not here to join in all the fun. It is incomprehensible, I still cannot believe what has happened to you, even though I have been following your mama’s blog for years now. I still don’t understand why it had to turn out like this. Your mama is doing a great job. I hope you are in a great place and allowed to peek down sometimes. Every mummy should be with her child and vice versa, and you guys being apart is just not right. I’m not quite sure what else there is besides earth, but I like to believe that you will be able to be together and hold each other and make up for the lost time someday.
    Love, from Amsterdam,

  29. I can’t believe anyone would want you to stop all this! I know you didn’t want any of this! Who would?? But just because you have a new baby doesn’t take away the fact that cancer muredered your perfect boy!! That’s almost saying this foundation was just a phase you were going through to deal with your grief!! Well that’s all bullshit!!! You’ve faught like a rock star and I know you’ll die before you quit!!! I promise ill be right behind you in whatever you need! I make that commitment because I believe in you! Cancer fucked with the wrong mom!! I know you and your foundation will do big things for kids with cancer. Please whoever thinks this crap, back off!!! They are thousands of kids fighting cancer right now and they need our support!!! Ugh!!!!

    1. Was real worked up there!!! I also wanted to tell you Maya, once again you amaze me with your strength. I read your whole blog once and i still remember so much of it, sometimes I cry over it still. I couldn’t imagine reading it after living it!! You are so brave, strong and selfless!!! Thank you for doing all this so you can help all the other families going through hell fighting neuroblastoma and childhood cancer as a whole!!

  30. Unbelievable that anyone one give someone “moving on” advice. But I’m not surprised. We lost my 2.5 year old nephew in a drowning accident and people would say the most fucked up shit to me. What sticks in my mind the most was the whispers of “aren’t you over this yet?” I don’t profess to have walked in like shoes but I came as close to knowing your pain as I care to (please God). I think you’re doing a fantastic job just by virtue of BREATHING and somehow putting one foot in front of the other to get through life. It sounds so fake but you’re in my heart, Maya.

  31. Sarah Bornhorst Avatar
    Sarah Bornhorst

    Hi Maya. I have been reading your blog for about a year and half. I have always agreed with you and your “fuck cancer” view, but now unfortunately I have the right to say the same thing. My dad was diagnosed on May 24th with stage four melanoma. It spread to his brain, stomach, lungs and spine. He just passed away on July 14th and I feel like I have no idea what to do with myself. Your blogs have helped me alot but now they mean so much more. I can’t wait till I can do a relay or a walk for my dad. I wish you the best of luck with the boys and poppy, and praying for strength for you to get through each day without Ronan. ❤ much love.
    And ps,


  32. Maya,
    As many, I have been reading your blog for so long now. It’s eerie how our paths in life have been so similar. I also have 3 boys and a girl. My 3rd son, Rowan, passed away almost 4 years ago from a rare heart condition. And even though I was scared out of my mind and still numb as heck from Rowan’s death my husband and I decided to have another child who turned out to be my daughter, who brought joy into our shattered hearts. I have been a fairly follower of your journey because I can relate so much to all of your postings. From knowing how it feels to watch your child take their last breathe, to hating the sun and wanting it to always rain, to going into social seclusion and not knowing how to be around ‘happy’ people who don’t understand the depths of losing a child, to having non-stop nightmares about your new baby girl dying and so on.

    Your sweet Ronan has so much purpose, bigger than any of us. Your love and never ending devotion is beyond inspiring. Don’t ever stop telling Ronan’s story Maya, it’s certainly a beautiful love story!!

    Sending my love to you and your family from Columbus, OH!!

  33. You could have a hundred children and lose one and still miss that one child. It’s not about having more kids. It’s once they have been created and then are born you have a bond that should never have to be broken! When it is is unnatural! We were made to live forever in perfection. That devistating pain doesn’t go away with more kids. More kids brings another joy of another person but can’t ever replace the one you lost. Even identical twins if you lose one… That one is devistating! Why would people even think those mean crazy things let alone whisper or say them. Shows the foolishness and ignorance of those who have not lost something so dear and so precious! You should now have to deal with that pain as well.
    My DeafBlind son just flooded my townhome. I had some very rude comments made. One was after I said “it could have been worse. He could have been burned severely or drowned somehow.” And a person said “and that would have been worse? I would think it would have put you all in a better place so you and him don’t have to deal with things anymore.” I wanted to slap that persons face. I cried all the way home instead! I don’t care how much trouble my son is I will never wish he was dead! If something does happen to him I will never be the same. People say such hurtful things. For some reason then all the good things said feel tarnished by that person. You wonder if everyone thinks it and just doesn’t say it. Hope your nightmares end! You don’t need that either!!!

    1. So sorry… My phone typed now instead of not… What a time to replace. You should NOT have to deal with pain of losing a child and the endure hateful comments! So sorry about my typo. I’m mortified!

  34. Life is not the same after your son is no longer here, so hope they can fix it for someone.

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