We are so excited to FINALLY announce…

tumblr_mogu13bkIP1s95kwbo1_500The Ronan Thompson Foundation, Max’s Ring of Fire, and Grand Canyon University are teaming up! We are so excited to announce that on October 26th, we will be bringing a run to San Diego with the help of Grand Canyon University! Registration is already open at www.runtofightcancer.com and for all you Phoenix runners, GCU will have a “get on the bus package” that will include transportation from Phx to San Diego, hotel accommodation, and entry into the run. Details coming soon, be on the lookout.

Just for being loyal FB fans we would like to give a 10% discount to anyone who registers using code word “fightcancer”. Make sure and share this to all your friends and family, particularly the ones in California :). We can’t wait to see you all in San Diego!

Instagram is where it’s at

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I know you all worry when I go radio silent for a while. The best way to keep up with me when I’m not writing on this blog is via Instagram. I’m pretty much obsessed and think it is the best social media invention ever. Poppy and I just posted our first video. No carrots for Poppy. Sorry, Pops.

So, follow me if you want to keep up with me and this insane life I live without my Robaby, while trying everyday to make sure he is a part of everything I do.

Love you, Ronan. Miss you so much.

 

http://instagram.com/mamamaya

For those of you who want to sponsor me…

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THANK YOU! I’ve gotten so many emails from people saying they can’t run, but would love to sponsor me. What do I say to that?!?! HECK YES! And thank you times a million! You all are such wonderful, beautiful souls.

I know Ronan is so proud of all we are doing. The link to sponsor me is down below. Nothing can stop me from running for Ro. Not even these E size milk filled boobs.

xoxo

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/rockandro/runlikearockstar

Slumber Party for 3, please.

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Ronan. I hate the days that I don’t write because I feel like so much happens and then when I try to remember it all, my days are all boggled together and I cannot remember the details properly. Let’s see… after Rachel left I mainly just spent the next week or so getting ready for our trip to Washington State to see Nana and Papa. I told you we skipped San Diego this year and we are honestly all fine with it. Your brothers wanted to do basketball camp and hang with their friends, so that is what we did up until this point, when they left for Washington today. They drove out with your daddy. Road trip for the boys! Poppy and I stayed behind to take care of some things. We will fly out to Washington in a couple of days and I cannot wait. I’m ready for a break from this heat and all things Arizona. Too much reality here and even with Poppy as a distraction, my head feels like it’s going to explode. I need a break and there is no place I would rather be then at my childhood house where I always feel safe and loved.

Tonight, being in our house with just your Poppy sister and your Urn leaves me feeling anxious in a way that I haven’t felt in a while. Slumber party for 3? It’s just all so wrong. This house. This life. Your empty bed. Your ashes in your urn sitting on my dresser. I thought this alone time would be nice but I was wrong. It just feels sad and empty, even with your little sister curled up beside me. You should be with your daddy and brothers in some hotel room in California. They went to a baseball game tonight and Disneyland tomorrow. Liam said it perfectly when he told your daddy tonight that he wished you were there and we were all together. Such a simple thing that I know so many people take for granted and we would give anything for. Just being together, all of us the way it used to be. Your brothers sounded like they had the best time tonight and hearing Quinn talk to me on the phone made me miss them so much. I hate being away from them. Tomorrow, they go to Disneyland. I’m still not brave enough to go back there. One day we will have to take Poppy, but not now. I think I will hold off on that little adventure for a little while. How you loved that place though. The last time we took you there you were so happy. We were all so happy, perfect and content. How it can all be shattered in the blink of an eye still seems like insanity to me, but I live it everyday. Insanity is my reality.

I’ve done a couple of crazy things this past week. One of them involved talking to a medium and the other one involved taking a chance on a stranger who sent me an email that I just couldn’t ignore. I’ll start with the email from the mom first.

I get a lot of emails. I usually wake up to about 300 a day in my inbox. I do my best to read them, but sometimes I just can’t because there is not enough time in my day. For some reason, the subject line of this email grabbed my attention and I sat on the couch reading the entire thing, not just skimming the words. Your daddy came into the room. I told him I had to read him this email and as I attempted to do so, my voice quivered and I could hardly finish the words that I was trying to read. It was from a mom who had lost her son, also. She talked about how the one year shit-o-versary of his death was coming up, how she was reaching out to me, a stranger because she had nothing left to lose, and how some days the only reason she woke up was to read this blog. She was asking for help for her son’s 1 year coming up. She wanted to flee to Sedona to go hike, maybe meet up, see Dr. Jo?? Anything to get her through the day. I emailed her back. The next thing I know, plans were made for her to fly to Portland for a few days where we will meet up and spend the day together. Is that crazy? Maybe, but as always, I’m just going with my gut on this. You can read Danna’s story here and meet her little man, Paxton, and decide for yourself if she’s a serial killer. http://www.teampaxton.org/about/

I don’t think that she is. We’ve talked on the phone a few times and seem to have a really great connection and unfortunately a really shitty thing in common. I will help her as best as I can, get through the day. I don’t even know what that looks like as of now, but I think it might include a day of hiking, not tattoos and skydiving like I’m sure I would have insisted on a year ago. A calmer day where we will look for little signs of you and Paxton, everywhere.

So… the medium thing. It’s been something I’ve been wanting to do for a while, but I just haven’t pursued it. I got an email from a little friend of mine from a distance. I say that because I don’t know her that well, but she is always sending me the best emails, giving me snippets of advice, cheers, and love. Her emails have become some of my favorite things in life. So when her email came, I jumped through the roof. I actually literally jumped from my bed, screaming for your daddy and leaving Quinn chasing after me saying, “MOM! What is it?!” Well, it turns out I was the ONLY one excited in our house about the possibility of hearing from you, through someone else. Your daddy might have been straight pissed off. We nicely argued about me speaking to a Medium for about 12 hours. I ended up winning. Duh. Once I get something in my head… you know how I am. So the next day I woke up trying to act so casual, calm, cool and collected about what was about to come, but really I was jumping out of my skin. I even had a list of questions written out. Such a little over achiever I am, Ronan. If only it would have been this way in high school;)

My first question was of course, “Where is Ronan?” The rest of my questions went a little something like this:

Who is taking care of him?

Is he safe, happy, o.k.?

Did he always know he was only meant for this world for a short amount of time?

What does he want me to stay here and do?

Am I making him proud?

Will I see him again?

Did he send Poppy to us to help heal our hearts?

Does he have friends? Does he know Teddy, Ezra, Hazen, Charlotte, Ava, and Penelope?

Is he in every hummingbird we see?

Does he send me the rain?

Will  he keep Poppy, Liam and Quinn safe?

Does he see us?

Is he as sad as I am?

Does he like Poppy’s name?

Is he happy she’s in his room?

Why did this happen?

Please tell him to come home. I’ll let him drink that beer he loved to steal from his daddy. (that kid was beer obsessed and this goes to prove my theory that Ronan was in fact a little old British man in a past life).

Those were all of my questions and when the time came to speak on the phone, I got to ask none of them, but just listened instead. I know that anybody can google my name to find our story and tell me the sacred things that you and I loved. So was I skeptical? Maybe just a little but I tried to listen with an open heart and an open mind. I was told the standard things that you would think a medium would tell a grieving, desperate mom.

“He knew you were with him in the end, holding his hand, he is happy and safe. He can play baseball now. You gave him the best life and he was so happy while he was with you. You are his version of heaven. He doesn’t want you to be sad when you see one of his favorite shows on T.V.  He has lots of hair now. He will keep his sister safe. She is going to live a long and healthy life, the one he couldn’t live. He loves you to the moon and back, butterfly kisses…

I listened for a half an hour. I cried, not knowing if this was real or fake or at this point, if I even cared because that is how desperate I was to hear anything from you. After I hung up the phone, I felt a little sad and let down. I wanted her to tell me something only you and I would know, not anything I had ever put out there in the world. I didn’t have a moment of “Oh my god, how could she know that? Only WE knew that!” I’m sure my sadness mostly just stemmed from no matter how hard I try to “get to you,” I just can’t in the way that I will forever yearn for. I was grateful for the phone call and the fact that I can say I indeed have done the whole medium thing. Another little thing checked off of my list.

Alright little man. This is all for tonight. Your Poppy sister needs me. I will give her some butterfly kisses from you.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Your song for the night, Ro Baby

This is one of my favorite songs off of Taylor’s Red album. I sing it to your Poppy sister all the time and I’ve been waiting for this video to come out. One of my favorite moments during Taylor’s concert was watching her from the sound booth perform this song and looking over at her dad who was singing it along with her. I swear my heart melted right then and there.

Taylor and Ed. Everything has changed. Love, love, love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1oM3kQpXRo

This book on the brain…

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Just wanted to check in. I’ve been writing, just not on this blog. I’ll update soon but between foundation things, Poppy things, the twins being home for summer, traveling, and working on this book, things have been a little crazy.

I miss you all. Missing my Ro most of all, always. I’m working hard to make my little man proud. Here are some new pics of Poppy. She is still the sweetest little thing and we are enjoying her so much. Hope you all are having a great summer! Love you much!

xx

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A Happy Birthday to your most amazing brothers.

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Ronan. Our little, Rachel went back to NYC this morning and I hated to see her go. We had the best time with her here and she is another one of those big reasons that I am so thankful for this blog. Without it, I may have never known this amazing soul who I’m sure was my little sister in a past life or something. Somehow or somewhere, we have crossed paths before. There is just no other way to explain the bond and connection we have. Never in my life have I met a more centered and beautiful 21-year-old in my life. Rachel is everything I hope Poppy grows up to be. She is brilliant beyond measures, mature, wise, compassionate, polite, sassy, hard working, loving, funny, strong, independent, adventurous, and truly knows how to stand her ground in this crazy world. I can’t wait to watch all she does in this life as I know she is going to change the world.

After I got home from taking her to the airport this morning I walked into your brothers room to find your daddy, Liam, Quinn, and Poppy. Your daddy goes, “Did you get Rachel off o.k?” I told him I did. He then goes, “That’s sad.” I said, “What’s sad?” He said, “I know you’re sad that she had to go. I wish she could have stayed longer, too. She was a great house guest.” I just smiled and said that it was o.k. Although in my mind I was wishing she could move in and stay with us forever. Your bed looked so much more happy with her in it. I’ll never forget the first time I met Rachel and I don’t really even remember how it came about except for she had been reading my blog and knew I was coming to New York City, alone to take a little time for myself. Somehow it turned into, “Want to meet up?” And of course I said yes because I just had a feeling about this girl. I am so glad I took a leap of faith and a chance and opened up my heart when it was so broken. My little, has helped me in ways she will never know. It’s people like Rachel that make living this life a little easier because she brings such beauty to it. Even though she may have tried to hide Poppy in her purse and take her to New York with her;) Don’t worry, little. We’ll come visit you soon. We are missing you so much already.

The 9th came and went. It was an o.k. day. We didn’t do anything dangerous. Instead Rach helped me get organized around the house. We cleaned out drawers, organized closets and dressers, we loved on Poppy and your brothers. We met up with Fernanda and Stacy for dinner where I got to sit and talk with my friends while Poppy slept away in their arms. It was a good way to spend the 9th. For once, I didn’t have the desire to jump out of an airplane without a parachute. Your brothers birthday was the next day. 10 years old, Ronan. I don’t even know how that happened. I woke up and made them a big breakfast before basketball camp. We opened up gifts and they were so excited, happy, and thankful. After camp we spent the rest of the day playing with Fernanda and her kids for the majority of the day. I broke down about halfway through the day as I had done all I could do. I tried my best to be the strong and happy mom for most of the day but there came a point when I couldn’t stomach the fact that you were not here with us to celebrate and the tears just started pouring. There was no controlling them so I just let them fall. I was back in Fernanda’s bedroom with one of her boys who is so in love with Poppy that he just wanted to hold her all day long. I was sitting quietly with him and we were whispering back and forth to each other about Poppy. There was something about seeing him holding her and the way he was looking at her that reminded me so much of you. I think it was the look in his eyes as they were filled with so much love, happiness, and peace. It’s the way I know you would have stared at her, too. Brando kills me anyway as I totally have such a soft spot for that kid. He is only a couple of years older than you. Right after you died, I remember being at Fernanda’s house and I was back in the boys’ room. Brando just looked at me and said, “I’m sorry about Ronan.” I was speechless as I think he was only about 6 when this happened and I remember thinking to myself, “I don’t care how little this boy is, he gets it.” I’ll never forget that moment with him and how much it meant to me. I’m a sucker for all of her kids, but Brando always seems to tug at my heart just a little more. While I was crying on the bed with Brando and Poppy, Brando looked at me and said, “Are you o.k.?” I just nodded my head that I was, even though I really was not. I tried to stop the tears, but it didn’t work and Rach and Fernanda came into the room to find me silently sobbing. My tears lasted a majority of the day. I just wanted  you with us, running about the way you should have been with your big brothers on their 10th birthday.

We ended the night with messy, messy, ice cream cake, singing Happy Birthday and lighting off fireworks that we acted like weren’t supposed to be lit off. As we were jumping and dancing about I heard our little Rachel yell to Quinn, “Rules were meant to be broken, Quinny!” I laughed out loud. Indeed they are, little which is another reason I love you so much. Ronan, you would have loved the boys’ birthday so much. I hope you were there watching us and cracking up at the things we did and you could see even through my tears, I can smile and laugh, too. The night ended by tucking our little in as I sat with her and talked about life, love, loss, and the people we choose to surround ourselves with. I told her how I’ve learned some lessons along the way about the people that have floated in and out of my life. How you, Ronan, are the root of all things good, beautiful, and pure and as long as I remember that I think I will be able to continue to do things that will make you proud. I’m not here to deal with drama. I’m not here to deal with BS. I’m going to live this life the way I want to live it, not the way other people think I should. At one point I was talking to Rach about Stacy and I was telling her how we met, how long we’ve known each other, how we lost touch after our husbands graduated law school together and how we had made plans to meet up after a few years had passed and how we were supposed to go to dinner on the night you were diagnosed. I tole Rach from that moment on, how Stace swooped in and her and Fernanda took charge of everything. How we may have had our bumps along the way, but at the end of the day I always know Stacy never forgets why it is she is here, doing what she is doing. She never forgets this is all for you and because of you. Screw me. I’ll say screw me all day long as I’m not the one who matters in all of this. It’s you. I get told a lot how strong I am, how inspirational, etc… You know what I say to all of that? I’m not any of those things, but you are Ronan. I am just simply here, trying to make you proud by doing the things I know you would want done. You were the strong one. You were the brave one. I was just simply lucky enough to be your mom.

After my pow wow with Rachel, I went to kiss your brothers good night. Quinn wanted to snuggle Poppy so we got into bed with him. We all said our goodnights. I told your brothers how lucky I am to have them and how I hope they know how much I love them and am proud of them. This is what Quinn said. “Goodnight mom, Goodnight Liam, Goodnight Poppy, Goodnight Ro. I love you. I wish you were here.”

Always, Ronan. We always wish you were here.

I love you, baby doll. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

P.S. Thank you to all of you who reached out to me about the cable for The Ronald McDonald House. We’ve got some amazing people helping us out and I am crossing my fingers that something can be done. I know it may seem like such a silly thing to some because we are lucky enough to have the basic things in this world like clean water, food, etc… But trust me, when your child is neutropenic and cannot do a thing except watch Mickey Mouse Club House and the parents are so beat down from all they are going through, a little thing like that can really help one get through the day. Again, thank you all. You truly are angels on this earth.

 

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Turns out Maybelline Great Lash Mascara isn’t so great when you’re a bloody mess

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Ronan. Finally, I can sit down and have some time with you. I hate that I haven’t been able to write, let alone breathe lately. I’ve been so unbelievably busy that I swear by the time my head hits the pillow at night, I am out like a light. Such a change from how things used to be. I miss my insomnia nights where I used to stay up and write to you. Poppy has been keeping me incredibly busy. I forgot how time-consuming this whole breast-feeding thing is and your little sister has such an appetite that I swear I am feeding her around the clock. I know it’s what’s best for her and I love spending the time with her doing it, but it does leave little time to get things done around here. I’m just trying to soak it all in still because I know how quickly this time passes. Things are still going amazing with that little sister of yours. She is still a happy girl and is sleeping at night like a champ. None of us can get enough of her. I won’t let her out of my sight and she goes everywhere with me. She even went to her first board meeting the other night and didn’t make a peep as everyone passed her around to love on her. The amount of love for this baby girl blows me away. It’s like she’s getting double the dose from everyone due to the impact you’ve had on all of us, Ronan. She is so lucky to be surrounded by the most amazing souls. I can only imagine what an amazing little human being this will make her. Tomorrow, she will already be 2 months. It has flown by so fast and she is changing so much. She’s now doing really cute things like smiling and cooing at us all. Macy swears she can understand everything we are saying and she trying to have a conversation back with us. The way her eyes look at all of us while we are talking to her makes me think she is right. This Poppy girl already seems to know so much.

Your brothers are out of school. Normally, we would be in San Diego by now but this year we decided to take a little break. Your daddy was burnt out on it and I don’t blame him. One more year of going to the same spot where we always took you, without you was going to be too much for me to handle. I almost had a nervous breakdown last year. Too many almost 4-year-old blond-haired boys running about. Too many swimming pools without you in it. Too much of everything I pretty much never care to see again. It wasn’t therapeutic and it wasn’t healthy for me to be there last year and I have no interest in returning back to a place that I so desperately want to be the same, but it never will be the same again. So we are still in AZ. Your brothers have started a basketball camp which they love but it’s only for a couple of hours a day. The rest of our days have mostly been spent just hanging out having play dates, swimming, and they have helped me with a lot of things around here. We have our little, Rachel, in from NYC. I love having her here so much. We all do. Just another one of those amazing things to come from this blog and from you. She is our family and I love seeing her with your Poppy sister. Now, if I could only get her to move in and be our nanny;) Something tells me that would not be enough to keep our little smarty pants I just graduated NYC and now am working at Columbia University entertained. I am so proud of her and all she is doing. Macy calls her Saint Rachel because she is that amazing at 22. I feel so blessed to have come across this soul who is now a part of our family. We are all going to miss her so much when she leaves. Hopefully she will come out to Washington and visit us when we are there this summer.

That is what we are doing this summer. I am taking your brothers and sister to Nana and Papa’s house. It’s all your brothers have been talking about for months. I’ve been having to listening to them begging to go out earlier, but we had some things to take care of around here first. Believe me, I am just as excited as they are. I miss my parents and my childhood house where I always feel so safe and sound at, even under the shittiest of circumstances. It will be nice to have help with your sister and brothers. Washington is my place of peacefulness where I feel like I can actually breathe for a little bit. And no almost 4 year old blond boys exist. It will be nice to take a little break from the rat race that I often get caught up in here. I have lots of plans that mostly consist of no plans at all, besides spending a ton of time with your brothers and Papa Jim doing our favorite things like fishing, hiking, playing hide and seek until dark, and enjoying all the beauty the pacific northwest has to offer this time of year, including hopefully many days of rain. Please, please, please Washington rain gods, work your magic. I have been missing our rain so much, Ro.

We had a board meeting the other night. We have so many things in the works and so much coming up. A few top secret things that involve a kick ass rockstar. We still have not heard back on the petition to light the Whitehouse Gold for September. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I am still hoping for the best. After the board meeting, I told your daddy I would have Fernanda drive me home because I needed to spend some time with her. We had a lot to talk about and as always, it circled back around to you. I know you know how I am. I don’t let my guard down in front of many people. I much prefer to do all of my crying alone, and don’t often do I do it in front of others. There are only a handful of people who I am comfortable enough with to let everything out. I’ve never had a guard up with Fernanda which is why after our little pow wow, I could barely get my ass back into our house because I was seriously blinded by my tears and the fucking cheap ass mascara I wore that day. Remind me never to wear a different brand of mascara than I normally do. I came into the house, my eyes were black and stinging so badly from the mascara running in them, that I had your daddy in a complete panic. I ran to the bathroom to take out my contacts and wash my face while your daddy hovered over me begging me to tell him what was wrong. It’s the same thing it always is, Ronan. You are dead, I would give anything to have you back, I sometimes still don’t want to be here, because I just want to be with you, where are you? who is taking care of you? and why can’t it be me? Everything in my body still yearns for you, screams for you, begs for you in the worst way. Sometimes your daddy and I sit and bed at night and whisper secrets.

“Do you ever think Poppy has parts of Ronan?” he asked me the other night.
I quietly said, “Yes.”

“Me, too.” he said. “Is that wrong?”

I just told him through my tears, “If it gets us through this, does it really matter?”

I don’t think that it does, Ronan. She is parts of you without a doubt. Just like Liam and Quinn are, too. Many days I catch glimpses of you through your brothers and it helps me in a way. I see you in Quinn’s still sometimes with his mischievous ways. I see you in Liam’s strength and the way he carries himself so proud, like you always did. Poppy feels like you. She reminds me of you. I know you sent her to me to give me a little piece of you back. And some days I think you sent her to me to give me a lot of you back. I don’t care how whack-a-doodle that sounds. Thinking that way helps me to survive this insanely painful life without you here. I can’t tell your baby pictures apart. I can’t get over that she has the same little secret dimple that you had only when you smiled in the same exact spot. It gives me goosebumps and butterflies at the same time. I like living in this Poppyland. It feels o.k. again. Some days it even feels good.

Alright little man. I miss you so much. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams baby doll. G’nite.

xoxo

P.S. Please keep our Kassie safe while she is away on her amazing African adventure. I know she took you with her. Thanks, baby.

P.P.S. Does anybody know anybody high up at our local cable company Cox Communications?? Woody went to tour one of our Ronanld McDonald Houses here today because we are looking to help them with some of their wish list items. We would like to make some things better for the families that have to stay there. Turns out, they don’t have the place wired for cable because Cox wants to charge them full price and won’t give them a discount. Seriously? That makes me so mad. I love it when people try to make money off of people who are going through a hard time. It’s a freaking non-profit, Cox Communications. Give me a break. I might like to write them a little letter or speak to somebody who is higher up over there. Thanks, lovies for anything you can do.

xx

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