Slumber Party for 3, please.


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Ronan. I hate the days that I don’t write because I feel like so much happens and then when I try to remember it all, my days are all boggled together and I cannot remember the details properly. Let’s see… after Rachel left I mainly just spent the next week or so getting ready for our trip to Washington State to see Nana and Papa. I told you we skipped San Diego this year and we are honestly all fine with it. Your brothers wanted to do basketball camp and hang with their friends, so that is what we did up until this point, when they left for Washington today. They drove out with your daddy. Road trip for the boys! Poppy and I stayed behind to take care of some things. We will fly out to Washington in a couple of days and I cannot wait. I’m ready for a break from this heat and all things Arizona. Too much reality here and even with Poppy as a distraction, my head feels like it’s going to explode. I need a break and there is no place I would rather be then at my childhood house where I always feel safe and loved.

Tonight, being in our house with just your Poppy sister and your Urn leaves me feeling anxious in a way that I haven’t felt in a while. Slumber party for 3? It’s just all so wrong. This house. This life. Your empty bed. Your ashes in your urn sitting on my dresser. I thought this alone time would be nice but I was wrong. It just feels sad and empty, even with your little sister curled up beside me. You should be with your daddy and brothers in some hotel room in California. They went to a baseball game tonight and Disneyland tomorrow. Liam said it perfectly when he told your daddy tonight that he wished you were there and we were all together. Such a simple thing that I know so many people take for granted and we would give anything for. Just being together, all of us the way it used to be. Your brothers sounded like they had the best time tonight and hearing Quinn talk to me on the phone made me miss them so much. I hate being away from them. Tomorrow, they go to Disneyland. I’m still not brave enough to go back there. One day we will have to take Poppy, but not now. I think I will hold off on that little adventure for a little while. How you loved that place though. The last time we took you there you were so happy. We were all so happy, perfect and content. How it can all be shattered in the blink of an eye still seems like insanity to me, but I live it everyday. Insanity is my reality.

I’ve done a couple of crazy things this past week. One of them involved talking to a medium and the other one involved taking a chance on a stranger who sent me an email that I just couldn’t ignore. I’ll start with the email from the mom first.

I get a lot of emails. I usually wake up to about 300 a day in my inbox. I do my best to read them, but sometimes I just can’t because there is not enough time in my day. For some reason, the subject line of this email grabbed my attention and I sat on the couch reading the entire thing, not just skimming the words. Your daddy came into the room. I told him I had to read him this email and as I attempted to do so, my voice quivered and I could hardly finish the words that I was trying to read. It was from a mom who had lost her son, also. She talked about how the one year shit-o-versary of his death was coming up, how she was reaching out to me, a stranger because she had nothing left to lose, and how some days the only reason she woke up was to read this blog. She was asking for help for her son’s 1 year coming up. She wanted to flee to Sedona to go hike, maybe meet up, see Dr. Jo?? Anything to get her through the day. I emailed her back. The next thing I know, plans were made for her to fly to Portland for a few days where we will meet up and spend the day together. Is that crazy? Maybe, but as always, I’m just going with my gut on this. You can read Danna’s story here and meet her little man, Paxton, and decide for yourself if she’s a serial killer. http://www.teampaxton.org/about/

I don’t think that she is. We’ve talked on the phone a few times and seem to have a really great connection and unfortunately a really shitty thing in common. I will help her as best as I can, get through the day. I don’t even know what that looks like as of now, but I think it might include a day of hiking, not tattoos and skydiving like I’m sure I would have insisted on a year ago. A calmer day where we will look for little signs of you and Paxton, everywhere.

So… the medium thing. It’s been something I’ve been wanting to do for a while, but I just haven’t pursued it. I got an email from a little friend of mine from a distance. I say that because I don’t know her that well, but she is always sending me the best emails, giving me snippets of advice, cheers, and love. Her emails have become some of my favorite things in life. So when her email came, I jumped through the roof. I actually literally jumped from my bed, screaming for your daddy and leaving Quinn chasing after me saying, “MOM! What is it?!” Well, it turns out I was the ONLY one excited in our house about the possibility of hearing from you, through someone else. Your daddy might have been straight pissed off. We nicely argued about me speaking to a Medium for about 12 hours. I ended up winning. Duh. Once I get something in my head… you know how I am. So the next day I woke up trying to act so casual, calm, cool and collected about what was about to come, but really I was jumping out of my skin. I even had a list of questions written out. Such a little over achiever I am, Ronan. If only it would have been this way in high school;)

My first question was of course, “Where is Ronan?” The rest of my questions went a little something like this:

Who is taking care of him?

Is he safe, happy, o.k.?

Did he always know he was only meant for this world for a short amount of time?

What does he want me to stay here and do?

Am I making him proud?

Will I see him again?

Did he send Poppy to us to help heal our hearts?

Does he have friends? Does he know Teddy, Ezra, Hazen, Charlotte, Ava, and Penelope?

Is he in every hummingbird we see?

Does he send me the rain?

Will  he keep Poppy, Liam and Quinn safe?

Does he see us?

Is he as sad as I am?

Does he like Poppy’s name?

Is he happy she’s in his room?

Why did this happen?

Please tell him to come home. I’ll let him drink that beer he loved to steal from his daddy. (that kid was beer obsessed and this goes to prove my theory that Ronan was in fact a little old British man in a past life).

Those were all of my questions and when the time came to speak on the phone, I got to ask none of them, but just listened instead. I know that anybody can google my name to find our story and tell me the sacred things that you and I loved. So was I skeptical? Maybe just a little but I tried to listen with an open heart and an open mind. I was told the standard things that you would think a medium would tell a grieving, desperate mom.

“He knew you were with him in the end, holding his hand, he is happy and safe. He can play baseball now. You gave him the best life and he was so happy while he was with you. You are his version of heaven. He doesn’t want you to be sad when you see one of his favorite shows on T.V.  He has lots of hair now. He will keep his sister safe. She is going to live a long and healthy life, the one he couldn’t live. He loves you to the moon and back, butterfly kisses…

I listened for a half an hour. I cried, not knowing if this was real or fake or at this point, if I even cared because that is how desperate I was to hear anything from you. After I hung up the phone, I felt a little sad and let down. I wanted her to tell me something only you and I would know, not anything I had ever put out there in the world. I didn’t have a moment of “Oh my god, how could she know that? Only WE knew that!” I’m sure my sadness mostly just stemmed from no matter how hard I try to “get to you,” I just can’t in the way that I will forever yearn for. I was grateful for the phone call and the fact that I can say I indeed have done the whole medium thing. Another little thing checked off of my list.

Alright little man. This is all for tonight. Your Poppy sister needs me. I will give her some butterfly kisses from you.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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20 thoughts on “Slumber Party for 3, please.

  1. Jennifer

    I’m not positive, but for some reason I believe Theresa Caputo is the real deal. She has a show on tlc called the Long Island medium. She usually gives people information that no one else knows. Idk, give it a shot!

  2. Ali B (@AliBeeee)

    It’s a beautiful thing you are doing for another mother in need…With all the people reaching out to you, I’m sure she appreciated it (300 emails?! I’ll try to only email you if it’s urgent in the future!!!) I was wondering if it would be difficult for you to be at home without Woody and your twins…not too long until you’re in your happy place though. Love you, Maya xo

  3. laneyquinnpfapa

    I agree, Teresa Capputo, Long Island Medium…I watch her show every Sunday and it gives me chills. She would have a way to prove that she is speaking with Ronan. Anyway, enjoy your Poppy time and safe Travels to Wa. Xoxo

  4. Georgie

    keep on fighting maya ! you can do it, you’re already making such a difference. I also agree with the Long Island Medium, i’m usually soooo skeptical of those sort of things, but she is so awesomely sassy and she just seems to know stuff. it’s freaky at times…but really deep down ronan is always communicating with you in his own spicy way, he’ll never leave you.

    enjoy your time with the twins and poppy 🙂 xx

  5. Taylor I Love You! (@imfearless13_)

    I love reading your posts. Im at my intern now. The posts make my smile and cry at the same time! Safe travel to Washington have fun! Smile be happy and be strong. We will be here for you always and forever. Love and Kisses for your Poppy! Im just gonna post this here, my ipod password is Ronan since it was his birthday this year every time i open my ipod i think about sweet little Ro.

    More love and kisses
    Renske
    (holland)

  6. kierrajanay

    I agree, try Teresa Caputo. “nothing beats a failure but a try”…You would only know she is really talking to him if she can tell you something that only you two know, something that is not on your blog. I think you have to schedule a year in advance though. However it’s worth a try if it will ease your mind a little.

  7. laura

    I read your post and just simply thought you are a blessing to so many other parents. I know it’s a role you don’t want or choose and unfortunately it has chosen you. Each time you post another story my head hurts…I know that there are so many kids fighting cancer (thanks to your message) and my heart aches and I just don’t get why people aren’t more upset about this. I don’t get the response that it’s part of life…
    I hope you enjoy your trip to Washington — it’s also my favorite place to visit. It’s so calm and peaceful…and the people always seem to be that way as well.

  8. Kathi Pilcher

    I agree Teresa Capputo, I have been amazed by her show. I have never been to a medium, but many times have thought of you when I watched her show, wishing you could get a little peace of mind from her. And as to the fraud website, there is always naysayers but what can it hurt. Glad you are coming home to WA for a while, we have been having some of that rain that you miss so much 🙂

  9. Jen Brianas

    I don’t blame you at all. I think I would do the same. But be careful. Did you hear about those girls that were rescued from the house in Ohio? One of the girls, her mom went on the Maury show years ago, or one of those dumb talk shows and that Sylvia Browne medium told her her daughter was dead. She died a few years ago…her daughter is alive and was found. Ridiculous.

    On another note – I wanted to share a link with you on a woman who makes memory teddy bears from loved ones clothes. A friend posted this this morning on Facebook and it made me think of you and something to possibly do with a few of Ronan’s clothing items. Just a thought….it make me think of something for Poppy to have down the road since I have 2 girls and they absolutely love their stuffed animals.

    https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Creative-Crafts-by-Dawn-Memory-Bears-/155475434514919

  10. Hanna

    I truly believe Ronan has never left your side. Even though he isn’t physical anymore, he’s still in everyone’s hearts. I love this quote I saw the other day it goes like this, “missing someone isn’t about how long it has been since you’ve seen them or the amount of time since you’ve talked. It’s about that very moment when you find yourself doing something and wishing they were right there by your side.” I think it totally applies to you and your aching for Ronan to be here. I hope you and your family enjoy Washington:)

    Hanna<3

  11. Julie Martinez

    Don’t give up!! There are only a few people with the gift of being a “medium”. I actually received a reading a few months ago and he told me things that nobody would know….. I finally got the closure I needed. The first few mediums didn’t say anything that stood out and I too weren’t sure if I should trust mediums! I also just seen Theresa here in Sacramento Ca and she gave a lot of closure to parents, hitting things right on. Please continue to be open to hear from a medium….. I can’t wait to read your blog and you tell us you finally connected with Ronan. He will come through! Sending lots of love to you and your family.

  12. amourningmom

    I hope that the slumber party for 3 was as ok as it could be and that you have safe travels to Washington state. I have not been in our house alone since Sawyer died – I don’t think I could handle it very well.

    I think it is fantastic that you are meeting with Paxton’s mom. I reached a point after Jake died that I just did not see a reason to get out of bed – I needed to see how other bereaved parents live in this world without their child/children. It is so hard – I am so glad that Paxton’s mom found you. It is still the worst thing ever to outlive your child/children but seeing/reading how others can and are doing it too makes it easier. Thank you for helping me too.

    I am with you about the psychic/medium idea – the thought of someone being able to tell me that Jake and Sawyer are ok (wherever they are) is beyond exciting. I am not sure that I have or will find a psychic/medium/person who will ever reassure me that Jake and Sawyer are ok without me but I like the idea of it.

    Sending you hope, hugs and a big FU Cancer. xo

  13. Marianne

    Hi Maya, I just read this post and I had a psychic experience last week myself. I’m a grandma (a very, progressive cool one 😉 ha!) and I have been to many psychics through my lifetime. But what happened last week had to have been the real deal and I’d like to share his name with you if you are interested.

    My story went like this: i head about this man from an acquaintance, that he was his psychic and he had been going to him for years. Famous folks go to him too. I googled him that night and decided to make the call and try to get an appointment. I thought I would just leave a voicemail. He was in LA and I am in SF. I called the wrong number and happened upon him answering a line on his radio show. He said he would call me back when it was done. He didn’t know me from Adam. But man-o-man was he accurate! He came up with specific names.He knew all the names of the people I was asking about (HE said them to ME). He knew the exact situation around my missing friend (I didn’t tell him), and he knew that I had my thyroid checked that day! It was insane. And he allowed my questions – but asked if he could try to answer them before I asked so that I could feel the authenticity. He was amazing.

    So feel free to email me through my blog if you’d like more info.

    Much Love,

    Marianne

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