Ronan. I hate the days that I don’t write because I feel like so much happens and then when I try to remember it all, my days are all boggled together and I cannot remember the details properly. Let’s see… after Rachel left I mainly just spent the next week or so getting ready for our trip to Washington State to see Nana and Papa. I told you we skipped San Diego this year and we are honestly all fine with it. Your brothers wanted to do basketball camp and hang with their friends, so that is what we did up until this point, when they left for Washington today. They drove out with your daddy. Road trip for the boys! Poppy and I stayed behind to take care of some things. We will fly out to Washington in a couple of days and I cannot wait. I’m ready for a break from this heat and all things Arizona. Too much reality here and even with Poppy as a distraction, my head feels like it’s going to explode. I need a break and there is no place I would rather be then at my childhood house where I always feel safe and loved.
Tonight, being in our house with just your Poppy sister and your Urn leaves me feeling anxious in a way that I haven’t felt in a while. Slumber party for 3? It’s just all so wrong. This house. This life. Your empty bed. Your ashes in your urn sitting on my dresser. I thought this alone time would be nice but I was wrong. It just feels sad and empty, even with your little sister curled up beside me. You should be with your daddy and brothers in some hotel room in California. They went to a baseball game tonight and Disneyland tomorrow. Liam said it perfectly when he told your daddy tonight that he wished you were there and we were all together. Such a simple thing that I know so many people take for granted and we would give anything for. Just being together, all of us the way it used to be. Your brothers sounded like they had the best time tonight and hearing Quinn talk to me on the phone made me miss them so much. I hate being away from them. Tomorrow, they go to Disneyland. I’m still not brave enough to go back there. One day we will have to take Poppy, but not now. I think I will hold off on that little adventure for a little while. How you loved that place though. The last time we took you there you were so happy. We were all so happy, perfect and content. How it can all be shattered in the blink of an eye still seems like insanity to me, but I live it everyday. Insanity is my reality.
I’ve done a couple of crazy things this past week. One of them involved talking to a medium and the other one involved taking a chance on a stranger who sent me an email that I just couldn’t ignore. I’ll start with the email from the mom first.
I get a lot of emails. I usually wake up to about 300 a day in my inbox. I do my best to read them, but sometimes I just can’t because there is not enough time in my day. For some reason, the subject line of this email grabbed my attention and I sat on the couch reading the entire thing, not just skimming the words. Your daddy came into the room. I told him I had to read him this email and as I attempted to do so, my voice quivered and I could hardly finish the words that I was trying to read. It was from a mom who had lost her son, also. She talked about how the one year shit-o-versary of his death was coming up, how she was reaching out to me, a stranger because she had nothing left to lose, and how some days the only reason she woke up was to read this blog. She was asking for help for her son’s 1 year coming up. She wanted to flee to Sedona to go hike, maybe meet up, see Dr. Jo?? Anything to get her through the day. I emailed her back. The next thing I know, plans were made for her to fly to Portland for a few days where we will meet up and spend the day together. Is that crazy? Maybe, but as always, I’m just going with my gut on this. You can read Danna’s story here and meet her little man, Paxton, and decide for yourself if she’s a serial killer. http://www.teampaxton.org/about/
I don’t think that she is. We’ve talked on the phone a few times and seem to have a really great connection and unfortunately a really shitty thing in common. I will help her as best as I can, get through the day. I don’t even know what that looks like as of now, but I think it might include a day of hiking, not tattoos and skydiving like I’m sure I would have insisted on a year ago. A calmer day where we will look for little signs of you and Paxton, everywhere.
So… the medium thing. It’s been something I’ve been wanting to do for a while, but I just haven’t pursued it. I got an email from a little friend of mine from a distance. I say that because I don’t know her that well, but she is always sending me the best emails, giving me snippets of advice, cheers, and love. Her emails have become some of my favorite things in life. So when her email came, I jumped through the roof. I actually literally jumped from my bed, screaming for your daddy and leaving Quinn chasing after me saying, “MOM! What is it?!” Well, it turns out I was the ONLY one excited in our house about the possibility of hearing from you, through someone else. Your daddy might have been straight pissed off. We nicely argued about me speaking to a Medium for about 12 hours. I ended up winning. Duh. Once I get something in my head… you know how I am. So the next day I woke up trying to act so casual, calm, cool and collected about what was about to come, but really I was jumping out of my skin. I even had a list of questions written out. Such a little over achiever I am, Ronan. If only it would have been this way in high school;)
My first question was of course, “Where is Ronan?” The rest of my questions went a little something like this:
Who is taking care of him?
Is he safe, happy, o.k.?
Did he always know he was only meant for this world for a short amount of time?
What does he want me to stay here and do?
Am I making him proud?
Will I see him again?
Did he send Poppy to us to help heal our hearts?
Does he have friends? Does he know Teddy, Ezra, Hazen, Charlotte, Ava, and Penelope?
Is he in every hummingbird we see?
Does he send me the rain?
Will he keep Poppy, Liam and Quinn safe?
Does he see us?
Is he as sad as I am?
Does he like Poppy’s name?
Is he happy she’s in his room?
Why did this happen?
Please tell him to come home. I’ll let him drink that beer he loved to steal from his daddy. (that kid was beer obsessed and this goes to prove my theory that Ronan was in fact a little old British man in a past life).
Those were all of my questions and when the time came to speak on the phone, I got to ask none of them, but just listened instead. I know that anybody can google my name to find our story and tell me the sacred things that you and I loved. So was I skeptical? Maybe just a little but I tried to listen with an open heart and an open mind. I was told the standard things that you would think a medium would tell a grieving, desperate mom.
“He knew you were with him in the end, holding his hand, he is happy and safe. He can play baseball now. You gave him the best life and he was so happy while he was with you. You are his version of heaven. He doesn’t want you to be sad when you see one of his favorite shows on T.V. He has lots of hair now. He will keep his sister safe. She is going to live a long and healthy life, the one he couldn’t live. He loves you to the moon and back, butterfly kisses…
I listened for a half an hour. I cried, not knowing if this was real or fake or at this point, if I even cared because that is how desperate I was to hear anything from you. After I hung up the phone, I felt a little sad and let down. I wanted her to tell me something only you and I would know, not anything I had ever put out there in the world. I didn’t have a moment of “Oh my god, how could she know that? Only WE knew that!” I’m sure my sadness mostly just stemmed from no matter how hard I try to “get to you,” I just can’t in the way that I will forever yearn for. I was grateful for the phone call and the fact that I can say I indeed have done the whole medium thing. Another little thing checked off of my list.
Alright little man. This is all for tonight. Your Poppy sister needs me. I will give her some butterfly kisses from you.
I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.