Night Hiking and Ronan Rain

Ronan. This is how foggy my head is still. I seriously thought today, the 13th was your diagnoses day, two years ago. It wasn’t until this afternoon, that I remembered that today was not your diagnoses day, the 12th was. Today, was the day you had your first surgery to remove the cancer from behind the left orbit of your eye. I’m blaming this on my grief brain. Google it. It’s real. I’ve had a mental picture of you all day, with your head all cut open. I’ll never forget the look in your eyes like, “What did you let them do to me, mama?” I ask myself that question a lot. What did I let them do to you, while trying to save your life? I put you through hell, harsh treatments, poisons… I tried to save your life with the best tools we had available to us. I don’t know how everything happened so quickly and slipped out of our hands, so fast. I’ll never understand or be able to come to peace with any of this. I worry about you so much, all the time. I know I always will.

I am so tired that this is going to have to be a short post. I have been going non stop since I woke up this morning, working on things for your foundation. I felt really overwhelmed today with everything we have going on. I got a lot accomplished though, so I guess I am feeling a bit better. I was not going to write tonight, but I miss you so I kind of just wanted to say hello. I also wanted to say thank you for the rain again. I had a hard day, a sad day, just like always, but today I was feeling extra bummed out. Your sweet Kassie asked if I wanted to hike. I said yes but I had a mini foundation meeting at my house first. She ended up coming over and it was 10:00 p.m. before it was over, but we still headed out the door to night hike. It was so bloody hot out. We got to the top and sat at our church. After sitting there for about 10 minutes, guess what I felt? The rain. Of course. The coldest, wettest rain drops fell from the sky and drenched us from head to toe. We just sat there laughing, until it stopped about 15 minutes later. It was glorious. It made me smile for a few minutes and giggle out loud. Thanks for the rain when I need it most. You always seem to know.

I have to end this. I’m sorry it’s so short. I need some sleep as today, wiped me out. I’m sleeping in your bed tonight. Maybe I will dream of you. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

P.S. Kassie is kind of the greatest. Thank you for bringing her to me. She loves you so much. She makes this world such a better place. She is one of the good crazies that will change things in big ways.