Night Hiking and Ronan Rain

 

 

 

Ronan. This is how foggy my head is still. I seriously thought today, the 13th was your diagnoses day, two years ago. It wasn’t until this afternoon, that I remembered that today was not your diagnoses day, the 12th was. Today, was the day you had your first surgery to remove the cancer from behind the left orbit of your eye. I’m blaming this on my grief brain. Google it. It’s real. I’ve had a mental picture of you all day, with your head all cut open. I’ll never forget the look in your eyes like, “What did you let them do to me, mama?” I ask myself that question a lot. What did I let them do to you, while trying to save your life? I put you through hell, harsh treatments, poisons… I tried to save your life with the best tools we had available to us. I don’t know how everything happened so quickly and slipped out of our hands, so fast. I’ll never understand or be able to come to peace with any of this. I worry about you so much, all the time. I know I always will.

I am so tired that this is going to have to be a short post. I have been going non stop since I woke up this morning, working on things for your foundation. I felt really overwhelmed today with everything we have going on. I got a lot accomplished though, so I guess I am feeling a bit better. I was not going to write tonight, but I miss you so I kind of just wanted to say hello. I also wanted to say thank you for the rain again. I had a hard day, a sad day, just like always, but today I was feeling extra bummed out. Your sweet Kassie asked if I wanted to hike. I said yes but I had a mini foundation meeting at my house first. She ended up coming over and it was 10:00 p.m. before it was over, but we still headed out the door to night hike. It was so bloody hot out. We got to the top and sat at our church. After sitting there for about 10 minutes, guess what I felt? The rain. Of course. The coldest, wettest rain drops fell from the sky and drenched us from head to toe. We just sat there laughing, until it stopped about 15 minutes later. It was glorious. It made me smile for a few minutes and giggle out loud. Thanks for the rain when I need it most. You always seem to know.

I have to end this. I’m sorry it’s so short. I need some sleep as today, wiped me out. I’m sleeping in your bed tonight. Maybe I will dream of you. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

P.S. Kassie is kind of the greatest. Thank you for bringing her to me. She loves you so much. She makes this world such a better place. She is one of the good crazies that will change things in big ways.

A Danger Day for 15 months without you. F U Cancer.

Ronan. 15 months of you being gone and I survived today. It wasn’t even a totally awful day. I think it’s the first 9th I’ve had in a long time, that wasn’t horrific. Do you know why? Because I took today and made it be an alright day. I’ve had too many hard days this week and I just could not do another one, today. I got up with a heavy heart, like always. Got your brothers off to school. I had a plan for what I would do today on our danger day. It involved something that I have become borderline obsessed with. Something that I have done for a while, but just not often. Something that I like to do alone that fills my heart with a peacefulness that I cannot explain. Drum roll please…………..

Golf. You heard me right. Golf. Now, I know you are wondering how this might be dangerous because I’m pretty sure golf is the safest sport out there. I turned it into something dangerous by taking my golf day and tweaking it into Inferno Golf, of course! It was only 112 today. I golfed in the middle of the heat for 3 solid hours. It was glorious. You want to know what the funny thing is? I am freakishly good. As in really, really good for only having played about a half dozen times in my life, if that. I spent 3 hours of the day in the blazing heat, golfing my heart out and jumping up and down over my almost hole in one. I drove the cart extra fast, through some muddy grass and a sprinkler, just for you. I came home from my day with a smile on my face that does not happen very often anymore. I finished off the day by working on some things for your foundation. We have a lot of great things, coming up.

I ended this awful 15 months of hell without you by doing an extra fast inferno night hike up Camelback. So fast that I thought I was going to die, from not being able to breathe. I had to stop at one point and it took me a few minutes to catch my breath. I thought to myself, “Is this how Ronan felt, right before he died? Like he couldn’t breathe? This is awful. Please, I hope he didn’t feel this way.” The darkness that lives within me, tried to take over. I told myself to stop, to just get to the top,  because Ronan is waiting for you up there. I tell myself this a lot when I am physically trying to do something that is hard. That you are waiting for me so I’d better freaking finish what it is, I am doing. I know you know how much you know I wish this were true. I would give anything to have you waiting for me. I let you guide me in the ways that you still can though. I hear your voice, a lot in my head. It pushes me to try my hardest at everything I do.

This post is going to be a little short tonight. I am physically beat. I love you my spicy monkey. I called you this a lot tonight on my hike. I know you heard me.

Sweet dreams, baby doll. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

What doesn’t kill you, will make you a better person. Hopefully.

Ronan. I spent the majority of the day, sobbing after I held it together at your brothers meet the teacher. I wore my best mama hat. “So nice to meet you, Quinn’s darling teacher.” “Liam is so excited, this is going to be an amazing year, Liam’s darling teacher, too.” In my mind you know I was freaking out. I have no idea how I did not burst out in a puddle of tears while slipping and falling on them in front of everyone. Oh wait, I know. It’s because I had to remind myself to be strong and not to break in front of your brothers and mortify them, completely. I chatted with them the entire way home about school and everything they were so excited about. We got home and I was fine, until your daddy called. “How was today.” he asked. “Fine.” I choked out. That’s all I could say as I was crying too hard, to finish the conversation. He was home, a few hours later. Home to me making him a grilled fucking cheese because that’s all I could manage to cook for dinner tonight. Awesome wife of the year award totally goes to me. He acted like I had made the best meal on the planet. I started doing the dishes. Your daddy looked at me, my tears falling into the sink. “You don’t have to do those now.” “Yes, I do.” I sobbed. “You know I can’t ever leave a dirty dish in the sink.” We then sat at the table. “You need to eat. Have you eaten today?” I hadn’t. “I’m not hungry. I’m not eating. I need to go hiking.” You daddy just looks at me. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how this happened. It’s so wrong. He should be going to kindergarten tomorrow. I love you.” “I love you, too.” I squeak back.

I head out the door for a night hike. I think a lot on my hike. I don’t turn my music on. I get lost in the night, without a headlamp. Opps. I cry for a long time, at the top of the mountain. I tell you how sorry I am, over and over again. Thoughts fill my head like I think I let you down. I don’t want to let you down anymore. I need to work on some things because I am human and make mistakes. Some days, I get so angry that I impulsively act out. That’s not me. That’s not who I am. But some days, the anger wins. What can I do, to change this? You were not about anger, but about all things pure and love. I am not about anger, so what can I do with this fire that fills me and makes me want to lash out at people who don’t deserve it? Because things that go on in the normal world, that people think are problems, but are actually not, make me crazy. But that’s not for me to decide, what other people’s problems are. I am not the gate keeper of the normal problems of the world that I so wish I had. It all goes back to, who am I to judge? Just because you died of cancer, I get to decide what problems are real in people’s lives and what problems are not? That’s not o.k. That’s not a role I want to play. Please tune it out, Maya. Please make something good come out of it, instead.

I thought about tomorrow a lot. How are you going to make it through tomorrow. A scene played out in my head. What if I go to an AA meeting. Would they kick me out? Can I sit in a group and get lost in the problems of other people for a while? And when it came to my turn to talk I would just say, “I’m not an alcoholic. I don’t even really drink. My son was supposed to start kindergarten today, but he died of cancer and I didn’t know where else to go or what to do.” Then I got to thinking I should start up my own group of AA except I would call it Anger Anonymous. Where we could have a support group for people from all walks of life who are dealing with their pain, whatever it may be, and who don’t want to let it destroy them. Our motto could be “What doesn’t kill you, will make you a better person.” We could make our focus about recognizing your anger, talking about it, but then taking it and doing something really good with it. I try to do good, everyday. But sometimes, the little super pissed cancer killed the love of my life and I’m so mad takes over. I’m sorry for this. This is not what you were ever about. I will try to do better. For you.

I have to go now. Your daddy asked to spend some time with me. Maybe I’ll have cried so much today, that tomorrow will be o.k. I will survive, no matter how hard it is. I always do. G’nite Ro baby. I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry. I hope you are safe. Please take good care of LoRo during her surgery. I know you heard me tonight, asking you to. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. You all are the BEST for your suggestions. I loved the one where somebody replied with “Drink. I know it’s not very smart, but it’s all I’ve got right now.” I almost peed over that one. Thank you all, so much. You have the most beautiful hearts. xxoo

An inferno church twice in one day and still not eating Chick-fil-a!

Ronan. Geez. My little blog post seemed to cause quite an uproar. Am I surprised? Not really. I know that not everyone is going to choose my cause, which is childhood cancer, as their cause. But you know what? I can guarantee you, the people that do not care about this cause, have never been on the floor of a children’s oncology unit. If they have been, I can guarantee you this is something that they would support. If you don’t support childhood cancer, then please stop reading my blog. Why did the chick-fil-a thing piss me off so much? It has nothing to do with the Christian part of this. You all missed my point on that one. Chick-fil-a could have been run by a bunch of Atheists and I would have still been just as pissed. It has to do with the amount of money that was spent could have done some actual good in the world. How about all the starving kids in Africa? How about how they have no clean water over there, to drink? How about helping out with something like putting in wells for them, because clean water should be a right for EVERYONE. How about all the orphans in china who are born with medical needs? I know there are more problems in the world, other than childhood cancer. All I was saying, was I wish people would stop being so ignorant and donate to causes that actually matter. And no, Ryan from Chucktown, Wa. I will not be back to Chick-fil-a when as you put it, “one of my kids starts crying about wanting it.” Fuck off. My kids have a dead brother to cry about, tears will not be shed over some fucking chicken. Unfortunately, they know what the real problems of the world feel like.

Ronan. So yesterday was a day spent with your brothers. Quinn was still not feeling 100% so we stayed home much of the afternoon. I called to get him a follow-up with the Neurologist just to play it safe. I took your brothers swimming for most of the day. Those two are so intertwined now it’s if they are the same person. This is good and bad. Summer is hard because it is the town of them, constantly together which means a lot of arguing, fighting, but love as well. I was swimming with them yesterday and they would not get off of each other. They were kind of play fighting but kind of real fighting, too. I was doing my best to let them do their thing, without letting things go to far. At one point I just looked at them and said, “Geez. Where is Ronan when we need him. You guys’ really needed him to keep you from doing this, 24 hours a day.” It is so true. You broke up our family dynamic so much that you made everything perfect, special and just the way it should have always been. You were the in between fun that your brothers so needed and so still need. They were always so happy to be entertaining you, that it seems like a lot less fighting between the two of them, occurred. This always makes me sad to sit back and watch or think about. I know the everyday normal of our days, would have been so different with you here. I imagine them a lot. How your little life, changed our family so much, for the better and not having you here now makes everything feel and seem so wrong. Even a simple day at the pool.

After a day with your brothers, your daddy got home and I told him that I really needed to get out of the house and go hiking. He was fine with that so off I went. I hiked up Camelback as fast as I could. I found myself trying to fight off the heat and wanting to stop. I heard myself in my head saying, “You don’t get to stop, Ronan is at the top.” Over and over again. I didn’t stop. It did not matter that it was over 100 degrees outside. I passed people left and right, pushing myself further and further into my inferno of Hell. I sat at the top for a long time. I stayed at my church, for over an hour. I decorated a tree with your bracelets. I watched the sun start to finally dip down below the mountains surrounding me. I watched them and felt myself filled with a peacefulness that I seem to find in that little church of mine. It was a good hour of just sitting and being with the world that I don’t do enough of. I got up and headed down. I got a text from Rita saying she needed to exercise and was thinking about going night hiking. Holla!!! Count me in! I told her I had just come off of Camelback, but I would climb another mountain with her. She said, “Haven’t you already hiked today? I can’t let you do that.” I told her nonsense and to hurry her ass up. I met her at my other favorite mountain for some badass, totally dangerous night hiking. Well, it might have been had we not both had headlamps on. I think that kind of took the danger out of it. It was super peaceful and serene. I was proud of myself for going to my church twice in one day! I think I really needed it yesterday.

It’s early morning now. I have much to do in the name of cancer fighting business. But first and foremost, I can hear your brothers starting to stir, so breakfast must be made. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo