Ronan. Geez. My little blog post seemed to cause quite an uproar. Am I surprised? Not really. I know that not everyone is going to choose my cause, which is childhood cancer, as their cause. But you know what? I can guarantee you, the people that do not care about this cause, have never been on the floor of a children’s oncology unit. If they have been, I can guarantee you this is something that they would support. If you don’t support childhood cancer, then please stop reading my blog. Why did the chick-fil-a thing piss me off so much? It has nothing to do with the Christian part of this. You all missed my point on that one. Chick-fil-a could have been run by a bunch of Atheists and I would have still been just as pissed. It has to do with the amount of money that was spent could have done some actual good in the world. How about all the starving kids in Africa? How about how they have no clean water over there, to drink? How about helping out with something like putting in wells for them, because clean water should be a right for EVERYONE. How about all the orphans in china who are born with medical needs? I know there are more problems in the world, other than childhood cancer. All I was saying, was I wish people would stop being so ignorant and donate to causes that actually matter. And no, Ryan from Chucktown, Wa. I will not be back to Chick-fil-a when as you put it, “one of my kids starts crying about wanting it.” Fuck off. My kids have a dead brother to cry about, tears will not be shed over some fucking chicken. Unfortunately, they know what the real problems of the world feel like.
Ronan. So yesterday was a day spent with your brothers. Quinn was still not feeling 100% so we stayed home much of the afternoon. I called to get him a follow-up with the Neurologist just to play it safe. I took your brothers swimming for most of the day. Those two are so intertwined now it’s if they are the same person. This is good and bad. Summer is hard because it is the town of them, constantly together which means a lot of arguing, fighting, but love as well. I was swimming with them yesterday and they would not get off of each other. They were kind of play fighting but kind of real fighting, too. I was doing my best to let them do their thing, without letting things go to far. At one point I just looked at them and said, “Geez. Where is Ronan when we need him. You guys’ really needed him to keep you from doing this, 24 hours a day.” It is so true. You broke up our family dynamic so much that you made everything perfect, special and just the way it should have always been. You were the in between fun that your brothers so needed and so still need. They were always so happy to be entertaining you, that it seems like a lot less fighting between the two of them, occurred. This always makes me sad to sit back and watch or think about. I know the everyday normal of our days, would have been so different with you here. I imagine them a lot. How your little life, changed our family so much, for the better and not having you here now makes everything feel and seem so wrong. Even a simple day at the pool.
After a day with your brothers, your daddy got home and I told him that I really needed to get out of the house and go hiking. He was fine with that so off I went. I hiked up Camelback as fast as I could. I found myself trying to fight off the heat and wanting to stop. I heard myself in my head saying, “You don’t get to stop, Ronan is at the top.” Over and over again. I didn’t stop. It did not matter that it was over 100 degrees outside. I passed people left and right, pushing myself further and further into my inferno of Hell. I sat at the top for a long time. I stayed at my church, for over an hour. I decorated a tree with your bracelets. I watched the sun start to finally dip down below the mountains surrounding me. I watched them and felt myself filled with a peacefulness that I seem to find in that little church of mine. It was a good hour of just sitting and being with the world that I don’t do enough of. I got up and headed down. I got a text from Rita saying she needed to exercise and was thinking about going night hiking. Holla!!! Count me in! I told her I had just come off of Camelback, but I would climb another mountain with her. She said, “Haven’t you already hiked today? I can’t let you do that.” I told her nonsense and to hurry her ass up. I met her at my other favorite mountain for some badass, totally dangerous night hiking. Well, it might have been had we not both had headlamps on. I think that kind of took the danger out of it. It was super peaceful and serene. I was proud of myself for going to my church twice in one day! I think I really needed it yesterday.
It’s early morning now. I have much to do in the name of cancer fighting business. But first and foremost, I can hear your brothers starting to stir, so breakfast must be made. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.