Ronan. I spent the majority of the day, sobbing after I held it together at your brothers meet the teacher. I wore my best mama hat. “So nice to meet you, Quinn’s darling teacher.” “Liam is so excited, this is going to be an amazing year, Liam’s darling teacher, too.” In my mind you know I was freaking out. I have no idea how I did not burst out in a puddle of tears while slipping and falling on them in front of everyone. Oh wait, I know. It’s because I had to remind myself to be strong and not to break in front of your brothers and mortify them, completely. I chatted with them the entire way home about school and everything they were so excited about. We got home and I was fine, until your daddy called. “How was today.” he asked. “Fine.” I choked out. That’s all I could say as I was crying too hard, to finish the conversation. He was home, a few hours later. Home to me making him a grilled fucking cheese because that’s all I could manage to cook for dinner tonight. Awesome wife of the year award totally goes to me. He acted like I had made the best meal on the planet. I started doing the dishes. Your daddy looked at me, my tears falling into the sink. “You don’t have to do those now.” “Yes, I do.” I sobbed. “You know I can’t ever leave a dirty dish in the sink.” We then sat at the table. “You need to eat. Have you eaten today?” I hadn’t. “I’m not hungry. I’m not eating. I need to go hiking.” You daddy just looks at me. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how this happened. It’s so wrong. He should be going to kindergarten tomorrow. I love you.” “I love you, too.” I squeak back.
I head out the door for a night hike. I think a lot on my hike. I don’t turn my music on. I get lost in the night, without a headlamp. Opps. I cry for a long time, at the top of the mountain. I tell you how sorry I am, over and over again. Thoughts fill my head like I think I let you down. I don’t want to let you down anymore. I need to work on some things because I am human and make mistakes. Some days, I get so angry that I impulsively act out. That’s not me. That’s not who I am. But some days, the anger wins. What can I do, to change this? You were not about anger, but about all things pure and love. I am not about anger, so what can I do with this fire that fills me and makes me want to lash out at people who don’t deserve it? Because things that go on in the normal world, that people think are problems, but are actually not, make me crazy. But that’s not for me to decide, what other people’s problems are. I am not the gate keeper of the normal problems of the world that I so wish I had. It all goes back to, who am I to judge? Just because you died of cancer, I get to decide what problems are real in people’s lives and what problems are not? That’s not o.k. That’s not a role I want to play. Please tune it out, Maya. Please make something good come out of it, instead.
I thought about tomorrow a lot. How are you going to make it through tomorrow. A scene played out in my head. What if I go to an AA meeting. Would they kick me out? Can I sit in a group and get lost in the problems of other people for a while? And when it came to my turn to talk I would just say, “I’m not an alcoholic. I don’t even really drink. My son was supposed to start kindergarten today, but he died of cancer and I didn’t know where else to go or what to do.” Then I got to thinking I should start up my own group of AA except I would call it Anger Anonymous. Where we could have a support group for people from all walks of life who are dealing with their pain, whatever it may be, and who don’t want to let it destroy them. Our motto could be “What doesn’t kill you, will make you a better person.” We could make our focus about recognizing your anger, talking about it, but then taking it and doing something really good with it. I try to do good, everyday. But sometimes, the little super pissed cancer killed the love of my life and I’m so mad takes over. I’m sorry for this. This is not what you were ever about. I will try to do better. For you.
I have to go now. Your daddy asked to spend some time with me. Maybe I’ll have cried so much today, that tomorrow will be o.k. I will survive, no matter how hard it is. I always do. G’nite Ro baby. I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry. I hope you are safe. Please take good care of LoRo during her surgery. I know you heard me tonight, asking you to. Sweet dreams.
P.S. You all are the BEST for your suggestions. I loved the one where somebody replied with “Drink. I know it’s not very smart, but it’s all I’ve got right now.” I almost peed over that one. Thank you all, so much. You have the most beautiful hearts. xxoo