What doesn’t kill you, will make you a better person. Hopefully.

Ronan. I spent the majority of the day, sobbing after I held it together at your brothers meet the teacher. I wore my best mama hat. “So nice to meet you, Quinn’s darling teacher.” “Liam is so excited, this is going to be an amazing year, Liam’s darling teacher, too.” In my mind you know I was freaking out. I have no idea how I did not burst out in a puddle of tears while slipping and falling on them in front of everyone. Oh wait, I know. It’s because I had to remind myself to be strong and not to break in front of your brothers and mortify them, completely. I chatted with them the entire way home about school and everything they were so excited about. We got home and I was fine, until your daddy called. “How was today.” he asked. “Fine.” I choked out. That’s all I could say as I was crying too hard, to finish the conversation. He was home, a few hours later. Home to me making him a grilled fucking cheese because that’s all I could manage to cook for dinner tonight. Awesome wife of the year award totally goes to me. He acted like I had made the best meal on the planet. I started doing the dishes. Your daddy looked at me, my tears falling into the sink. “You don’t have to do those now.” “Yes, I do.” I sobbed. “You know I can’t ever leave a dirty dish in the sink.” We then sat at the table. “You need to eat. Have you eaten today?” I hadn’t. “I’m not hungry. I’m not eating. I need to go hiking.” You daddy just looks at me. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how this happened. It’s so wrong. He should be going to kindergarten tomorrow. I love you.” “I love you, too.” I squeak back.

I head out the door for a night hike. I think a lot on my hike. I don’t turn my music on. I get lost in the night, without a headlamp. Opps. I cry for a long time, at the top of the mountain. I tell you how sorry I am, over and over again. Thoughts fill my head like I think I let you down. I don’t want to let you down anymore. I need to work on some things because I am human and make mistakes. Some days, I get so angry that I impulsively act out. That’s not me. That’s not who I am. But some days, the anger wins. What can I do, to change this? You were not about anger, but about all things pure and love. I am not about anger, so what can I do with this fire that fills me and makes me want to lash out at people who don’t deserve it? Because things that go on in the normal world, that people think are problems, but are actually not, make me crazy. But that’s not for me to decide, what other people’s problems are. I am not the gate keeper of the normal problems of the world that I so wish I had. It all goes back to, who am I to judge? Just because you died of cancer, I get to decide what problems are real in people’s lives and what problems are not? That’s not o.k. That’s not a role I want to play. Please tune it out, Maya. Please make something good come out of it, instead.

I thought about tomorrow a lot. How are you going to make it through tomorrow. A scene played out in my head. What if I go to an AA meeting. Would they kick me out? Can I sit in a group and get lost in the problems of other people for a while? And when it came to my turn to talk I would just say, “I’m not an alcoholic. I don’t even really drink. My son was supposed to start kindergarten today, but he died of cancer and I didn’t know where else to go or what to do.” Then I got to thinking I should start up my own group of AA except I would call it Anger Anonymous. Where we could have a support group for people from all walks of life who are dealing with their pain, whatever it may be, and who don’t want to let it destroy them. Our motto could be “What doesn’t kill you, will make you a better person.” We could make our focus about recognizing your anger, talking about it, but then taking it and doing something really good with it. I try to do good, everyday. But sometimes, the little super pissed cancer killed the love of my life and I’m so mad takes over. I’m sorry for this. This is not what you were ever about. I will try to do better. For you.

I have to go now. Your daddy asked to spend some time with me. Maybe I’ll have cried so much today, that tomorrow will be o.k. I will survive, no matter how hard it is. I always do. G’nite Ro baby. I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry. I hope you are safe. Please take good care of LoRo during her surgery. I know you heard me tonight, asking you to. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. You all are the BEST for your suggestions. I loved the one where somebody replied with “Drink. I know it’s not very smart, but it’s all I’ve got right now.” I almost peed over that one. Thank you all, so much. You have the most beautiful hearts. xxoo

We are home. Without you. I miss you.

Ronan. This trip was exactly what we needed. We are going back to AZ today and I think everyone is a little sad to leave. Your brothers are already planning their fall break and are both begging to come back to see your Nana/Papa/Bri/Derrick/Cindy and Tim. I think it sounds like a great idea. This place makes them happy. It was a great couple of weeks just letting them be boys and enjoy everything the Pacific Northwest has to offer. This place is so serene and peaceful for all of us. I am so thankful to your Nana and Papa for making our time her so special and taking such good care of us. They have always been this way though. Letting us take over their house and invade their entire world for a however long we want, makes them so happy. I know they miss us so much when we are away and the time to them with each other, is always so precious.

We spent the last couple of days just doing simple things. A lot of hide and go seek, baseball, and yesterday we went with some friends on their boat. I remember last year when my whole town came together and built this huge float for you for one of the parades in town during the holidays. They worked so hard on it and I don’t know if I ever even said thank you. I hate that. I hope I did, but if I didn’t I would like to now. A huge thank you to everyone who was involved last year with this massive project. The love from my hometown for you, Ro, has been incredible. I saw the float yesterday, or pieces of it rather. After the parade, the float had to be taken apart but my friend, Jen, could not just throw out of the wood decorated with all things Rockstar all over it. She saved it all and had her lovie and a friend take it out to a place where they fish and camp. They built a fishing shack out of the fort. She took me up to it yesterday to see it while we were on their boat. I was so overwhelmed with emotion and I kept it together pretty well until she gave me a big marker to sign it as everyone does who comes to their special spot. I wrote Maya & Ro with a big heart around our names. I lost it after that and ended up bawling. Jen saw my tears through my very well covered sunglasses eyes. She grabbed me and held on to me for a few minutes. I was flooded with thoughts of I can’t believe my baby is not here and his name is now all over a wall to I can’t believe how lucky I am to have such thoughtful caring people in my life who will never let you be forgotten. As always, it was bittersweet. Most things in this life are without you now. I spent the next couple of hours watching your brothers play, laugh and love. It was a good day as far as good days go now. It was a good day with my dear friend who I got to watch in her new life now. She is finally so happy and that makes my heart happy. She deserves it.

I have about 50 million things that I have been wanting to post/write/say on here, but I just haven’t taken the time. I really needed to take a little break from this cancer world that I still live, eat, and breathe in. I didn’t do much foundation work while I was here. I know how this world works and how easy it is to get burnt out. I can’t burn out as I have too much to do which is why I have to make myself take time outs even though I think I can keep going non-stop. It’s hard for me to take breaks in this world now. I feel like when I do, I’m not taking care of you. I have to have a lot of conversations in my head talking to myself about the importance of a break here and there. I have to constantly tell myself that you would not be mad at me for living and doing normal things that don’t always involve all things cancer related. Doing normal things still feels wrong to me. I have a hard time with normal everyday life, without you. I know I am hard on myself but I think it’s just my nature to be this way. I think I’ve always been this way but since losing you, I know I beat myself a lot more then I used to. I am aware of this. I just don’t know what to do about it.

I don’t even know where to start with what it is, I am about to say. LoRo. I’ll just start with LoRo. Her name is Lauren but the nickname, LoRo was made up for her due to her undying love for you. I’m not sure how or when she found out about you, but at some point we starting talking via email/text messages. She is 18, but not your average 18-year-old. She has been spending most of her teenaged years, in this cancer world, doing and helping other kids. At some point, she heard about you and fell in love with you and our story. She is constantly making me these amazing pictures on Photoshop of you and is always wanting to help with whatever I need. She is the one that made your Ronan’s Day of Love flyer. I’ll ask something of her and 2 minutes later, it is done. The 18-year-old girl who has been making this world a better place with her sweet heart, for a very long time. She has become someone who I love, even though we’ve never actually met. I had heard through her and from a few other people last week that she had to go to the hospital, for not feeling well. I didn’t know until yesterday, how serious it might be. They found a tumor in her stomach. Next week, August 8th, they are going in to remove one of her ovaries and from that point it will be biopsied to determine if it is cancer or not. I am literally sick to my stomach over every single part of this. I talked to her mom yesterday who is basically is complete and utter shock. I talked to LoRo as well who told me in her sweetest voice that she was not worried as she feels like you are watching over her. I told her I knew you were too and which is why I am not panicking. This cannot happen to a girl who has spent much of her life, helping kids with cancer, right? It just cannot. That would be the sickest of the sick, Ronan. I mean none of this world makes sense. No child deceives this. But LoRo? Not acceptable and as of now, I am holding my breath and biting my tongue. It has to be nothing. If all of you lovely little blog readers could just keep our LoRo in your thoughts, prayers, or whatever else you do, I would really appreciate it. Ronan. You know what I am asking of you. Thank you, baby.

I will keep you all updated on LoRo, but if you are on Twitter, and want to follow her, you can do so, here:

https://twitter.com/thelightholder

I started this a few days ago. We are home. I am doing my best. Your daddy worked so hard to make sure everything was perfect for us, to come home to. He even had our bed made (one of my pet peeves is an unmade bed) He is the sweetest. I didn’t even have to say it, he did. “Everything would be perfect, if Ronan were here.” He is right. That will forever be our truth.

I’m going to go now, babydoll. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

I feel, therefore I am

 

Ronan. This is just how things work now. When things come to me, they just come. For almost a month now, I’ve been hiking my butt off. Worrying about your birthday and what it is I wanted to do. Pressuring myself to figure things out. Some days, ideas came. Other days nothing came at all. I tried not to get too frustrated with myself. Nothing felt good enough. Nothing felt right. Nothing could hold a candle to making this day as beautiful as it should be. As beautiful as you are. I stopped thinking so much. I felt instead. The Phoenix Children’s Hospital plan came together slowly. But I knew there had to be something else. I knew your birthday had to be something that everyone could share. Your love can do so much good. Your love will do so much good. Your love will change this broken world. I know this.

I sat at Dr. JoRo’s office for most of the day. She was not there but let me use her office so I could work without having to be at home. I cannot work from home. It is too painfully quiet. I sat in her office and worked away. It felt cozy and safe. I turned on my computer screen and my hands starting writing away. The words for your Ronan’s Day of Love flyer flew of nowhere. I texted your little LoRo. I asked her if I gave her the verbiage, if she could put together something for me to help spread the word about the day I was wanting to create. She said of course. She was so happy to do it. I was so thankful to have her to ask. It was done within minutes. It is darling. It is sweet. It is pure and came from my heart. It came of a place of feelings not thoughts. I didn’t have to think when I wrote out my words. I often don’t. I don’t usually think when I write on here. I feel. Your day of love came the exact same way. By feeling and that’s it. I felt alright. I felt so much that I spent much of the day sobbing on the floor of Dr. JoRo’s office. I spent much of the day, sobbing over emails, text messages, and writing in my journal. I sobbed over thinking about how wrong everything is, but how right so many things are becoming. It seems everyday I am flooded by words from people about how you have changed them for the better. It seems as if everyday, someone is out in the world, doing good because of you. It is bittersweet to see all the wonderful ways you are still here. I only want you here but as we said before, that simply cannot happen. I will take you in the only way I can now. By feeling you when I do. By watching you change things for the better. By trying harder at everything I do when I really don’t want to do anything at all. By trying very hard, to fix myself because I know that is what you would want. I know you want me to be happy. I know you don’t want me to hurt this badly. I remember your last words to me. You yelled at me. I was crying. You said, “Don’t be sad!!!!!!” I hear your squeaky little voice telling me this. It is so hard, not to be sad, without you. Do you know, every time I laugh, I feel you. Every time I smile, I feel you. My laughs and my smiles are not my own anymore. They belong to you. They will always belong to you.

I’m tired tonight. But I wanted to stay up until midnight because it is someone’s birthday. This someone’s birthday that has been one of the most unexpected gifts to come out of all of this. This someone that I often sit back and think to myself, “If Ronan had not gotten sick, I may have never met this person. I cannot imagine my life without her. I am so lucky.” I call myself lucky when thinking of her. I call myself lucky because I know it was you, that put her in my life just at a time when I thought I was drowning the most. You threw me a life raft and it was her. She likes to be undercover. She likes to be behind the scenes. So all I am saying is a big HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY, to you know who you are. Margaritas to come later over mucho chips and salsa. I heart you. And your little dragon too.

G’nite. Sweet dreams. I miss you so very much. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo