I don’t want to celebrate without you


Children are not supposed to die…Parents expect to see their children grow and mature. Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind…This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should. The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and dependent. The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection.

 

Ronan. I wasn’t going to write to you tonight, because I am not in a good place. On the outside, I am holding it together, but on the inside I am a complete mess. Your brothers turn 8 tomorrow and I am freaking out in my head. The thought of celebrating their birthday, without you, is destroying me. How am I going to get through the day? They deserve to have the best birthday ever, but how is that possible without you? I spent most of today, throwing up. Mimi and Papa took Liam to the movies and I took Quinn out to eat. I ate a half of a sandwich while he chowed down some burgers. I had some of his root beer float and I was so proud of myself. We were on our walk back to our condo and my stomach and nerves were shot. I hardly made it up the elevator and ran into our place just in time to throw up my one meal of the day. Lovely. I know this is all due to the physical pain of missing you. The anxiety I am filled with, the sadness, and the just plain hurt. I miss you too much to even put into words tonight.

I don’t want to take my Ambien tonight, but I can’t sleep. I want my dreams of you so I am going to try to sleep without it. Your daddy is so annoyed with me. All he wanted tonight was for me to turn off the lights and snuggle up to him. My mind was going crazy and I just couldn’t do it. My skin is crawling and I feel like I cannot do tomorrow. Your dad said to me, “Just come and lay with me and take care of me.” You know what I said to myself in my head??? I know you know; I know you heard me. I said to myself, ” I don’t want to take care of you, I only want to take care of Ronan.” MEAN. Just plain mean, but it is how I am feeling. I want my cancer baby back to take care of 24 hours a day. I want our beeping “Asspole” back that I used to complain about. I want to laugh at you again like I did after I heard you say, “Stupid Asspole,” that time you got all tangled up in it. I want you back to take care of you while you got sick from your chemo. I know that is selfish of me, but living with you through those things was actually so beautiful. I never thought of it that way, because I never thought I would have to be without you. I always thought you would just get better and you would go back to being a healthy little boy. Looking back, I wish I would have never complained about a thing while we lived with your cancer. At least you were living, at least I got to take care of you. It wasn’t the way your life should have been for the past 8 months, but at least it was you life and our life together. I miss everything about it.

So tomorrow…… I am really going to need your help. I have no choice but to wake up with a smile on my face and to hide my tears for this one day for your brothers. I need you to be surrounding us all and giving us strength to get through the day. I’ll be watching for you, Ronan. I’ll be waiting to feel you take my hand and to help me make sure Liam and Quinn have a great birthday. It’s going to be a hard day but I know I can survive it because I’ve already survived the hardest day of my life on the day that I lost you. I miss you and I love you to the moon and back. Sweet dreams baby boy.

xoxo

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17 thoughts on “I don’t want to celebrate without you

  1. Glenda

    Maya, what a beautiful picture of your 3 boys! My heart aches for you! I hope you have sweet dreams of Rockstar Ronan! To the moon and back! Peace and strength xo

  2. Kristin

    Maya, I am so glad that you at least have small moments of inspiration throughout some of your days. They will come and go, as you clearly are learning, and we all follow in your emotions when you are up and when you are down. This is big, Maya! You and Ronan have started a huge wave of beautiful things to come, even though it came from the tears that created it. After the benefit, my girlfriend and I went to dinner, still with our Ronan pins on, and the waitress asked us about them. I, of course, was more than willing to share a bit of your story and encouraged her to visit your site…it took everything in me not to go table to table and spread the word…but if one person at a time sees the commitment then the ocean of support will just keep pouring in! I was one who purchased a vacation at the benefit, and I fully intend to talk to anyone that I can while there that will be willing to listen. The trip will not only be a wonderful time for my husband and I to spend time that we rarely get together, but also a way of sharing the whole reason that we will got to go. I’ve sent e-mails to all that I can too, will be keeping up with other ways to get one of the “too hot to keep on the shelves” bracelets and will continue to pray for a cure!

    Sending love, hugs, strength, and support to the whole family!

  3. Hisham

    Maya –

    Having just finished a comment about your husband’s dreams and how I was feeling bad for him, no sooner did I click submit than I came and read your latest post. Now I feel like the biggest jerk in the world – sorry about the timing. But that’s not what’s important right now …

    Maya, I’m so sorry that any of this happened to you and your family. I wish that the world was less eff-ed up than it is, that tragic things didn’t happen to kind and good people, that there was some kind of grand universal justice that would prevent something like your little Ronan from being taken away from you. And I wish that my typing words on a keyboard could have some magical effect that eases pain, lessens sorrow, or could relieve the burden of those whose souls are burdened from grief. But I know that my words are just words – and we both know that the world remains eff-ed up – and that horrible things do happen to the best people without any reason or anything remotely resembling justice.

    All I know is that we are only people and not gods, that we are all flawed in our virtue, and that life is a precious gift that should be cherished as it is not guaranteed to anyone. But there is also beauty in us all that comes from our shared humanity, and power as well. You more than anyone have demonstrated this to be true – by sharing your journey and Ronan’s life in this blog, you have created a testament to the beauty of life, the tragedy of death, and the pain of loss.

    So from all of this, I would try to maybe set your mind at ease by reminding you that you are an amazing mother. Your anxiety is all the proof anyone would need to see how much you love your boys, how you would do anything to ensure that they have the best birthday possible. So while it will no doubt be a difficult day and there will be tears shared among you, I would encourage you to have faith in your instincts and ability to provide your sons with everything they could need or want tomorrow. Because what children want and deserve most is to have parents who love them as much and as fiercely as you clearly do.

  4. lookaroundyounow

    I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you’ll find the strength for today.
    (((hugs)))

    (Sorry to be imposing, I don’t mean to. I found your blog through tags surfing twins. x)

  5. Therese in Ireland

    Maya – I read your posts every day and every day they break my heart. I say a little prayer and go on about my busy day with my own boys. But yesterday I couldn’t stop crying, I was so sad for all of you. It’s still very unreal and unbelievable, what’s happened to you and you are so descriptive, raw and uninhibited with your writing and I feel so very sad for you, I couldn’t stop crying. My own boys often ask to see pictures of you and your family, especially Ronan. My 10 year old tears up and it’s really humbling. You have put so much into perspective for so many families and for that, we will never be able to thank you enough. I was telling my boys about you maybe being involved in designing some fedoras in Ronan’s honour at some time and they will be first in line for two – they absolutely adore Ronan’s hats in every photo. And boy could he rock that look πŸ™‚ Thank you for all you have done so far to bring awareness and a reality check to all of us who just didn’t realise how good we have it. I pray to God that your pain eases a little and that you can do what you really want to do – make a difference. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that you will achieve that. Best wishes from Ireland.

  6. Alyssa Crews

    Happy Birthday Liam and Quinn! I’ll be thinking of you guys all day. I wish Ronan could be there to celebrate with you today, too. I hope he sends you lots of signs. Stay sweet. Believing..
    Alyssa

  7. Laura

    Baby steps, you can do it. Try your hardest to make their day special, I know you will make it through the day. Ronan is right there celebrating his fabulous brothers big day. Our thoughts and prayers are we your entire family. I hope this day truly surprises you as a extra special day, one that your whole family will always remember and treasure. Happy birthday to Liam and Quinn, you both rock.

  8. Katie R

    Maya –

    BIG hug to you today! I know you’ll do what all mothers do best….put on that brave face and get through today as best as you can even though you are hurting so much on the inside.

    Love to you and your family always!

    Keep posting. πŸ™‚

  9. sara

    Thinking of you all today…I hope Ronan gives you many signs that he is with you. Try to smile and have a good day. Happy Birthday to your boys. Lots of love.

  10. Joanie Ngo

    Maya,

    Pictures of Ronan leave me breathless and desperate. Desperate to find a cure for this horrific disease. Desperate because I can feel your pain and loneliness through your words. I cry for you every day. Hold on tight to the memories of Ronan, you will see him again. I believe it!

    xoxo
    Joanie

  11. Jaime Harris

    I feel so, so sad for the pain and loss you’ve been dealing with. So unfair and I cannot imagine many things worse than what you’re going through. Continuing to pray for you all so much! I feel there’s not much else I can do but pray for you guys, for strength, healing, hope, love, joy, a purpose. I truly wish the twins a special and happy birthday! They deserve it. Keep on keepin’ on! I hope with time, things will get a little bit easier and less painful. I’m just filled with empathy for you Maya. As a mom of 3 boys, I just connect so much with all you write and I think if I lost my youngest, I would be in the exact place you are. So, for what it’s worth, know you have my thoughts and continual prayer. May many good things come as a result of this. God bless…

  12. Lorna

    Maya, you didn’t ask for this and you didn’t deserve it but as an adult you’re aware that bad shit happens to good people. Your twins didn’t ask for this and didn’t deserve it but as little boys they are far too young to have been put in the position of being forced to learn that *really* bad stuff happens to good people.

    I know you know that which is why today of all days, your beautiful boys’ birthdays, I know you will be strong to give them the special day they deserve. They are hurting too and need you more than any of us can ever really know.

    In your head and heart you cannot move on past Ronan and you never will and never should but for the twins’ birthday your face and body have got to keep on going, even if it’s the biggest act you’ve ever put on.

    My heart is raw for you Maya as I have children and my son is a year older than Ronan and you’ve been thrust from paradise to hell. But my heart also breaks for innocent Liam and Quinn – not only have they lost their life- and- soul brother but they have also lost a bit of their Mom and it terrifies me to think they might never get that bit of her back.

    I hope you’re getting lots of signs from Ronan to get you through the days and I hope you and Woody can stay strong together. Keep treading water and stay above the waves that come crashing over your head or you will drown Maya. You have to keep on going even though your words suggest you just don’t want to.

    Happy birthday Quinn and Liam!
    Maya – you are amazing!

  13. Jaime Harris

    I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa
    I read this and I thought of you Maya
    hoping today is going well for you and the boys! prayers!!!

  14. Lea

    Maya, remember your “reading crasher” post and know that Ronan is with you. Easier said then done because its a plane that we can not mentally wrap our minds around. It’s scary, its indefinite, its so inconceivable and Im sure you feel helpless and lost now that he is physically gone. I encourage you to dig deeper Maya, maybe try some meditation, focus on your breathing, sit in silence and calm your mind…..maybe try a massage, a deep tissue massage where you can be in silence and let it all out. You need ‘Maya’ time, beyond physical exertion, you need to do some connecting to your ‘buddha’….(as in a baby buddah belly) lay on your back in the middle of the beach or your floor, or bed and just breathe. Focus on nothing but your breath moving through your belly, just like your sweet babies used to breathe as infants, just moving that air past your diaphram into your belly detoxifies and abates stress and nerves….sounds strange but my massage therapist taught me this, and it will help you. Put on some light music and just breathe, picture it as a color or as wind, drawing it in, filling your belly like a ballon, and pushing it out.

    We all wish we could have changed your outcome. We know we can’t change it, but we can help you change the way medicine currently is. We will fight with you until its changed. We want you healthy, in a functional place for your husband and your boys. Time and baby steps, you can do this, we believe in you!

    To the moon and back! We continue to spread Ronans story and love! We will change this Maya, we will conquer this horrible disease with Ronan guiding our way! So chin up and sweet dreams, close your eyes and breathe, Ronan is waiting for you in your dreams!

  15. Erica

    Your precious ronan’s blue eyes captured my hearts a few months ago when I began reading your blog. I pray every night for your family and find myself often thinking about you all. Today I saw two little boys wearing fedora hats and I immediately thought of your little ronan. You are such an incredible woman, Maya. Stay strong

  16. Lea

    Also, my girlfriend, Jean Gribbon Baruch, is the fouder of Beads of Courage. Check her website. I was hoping Ronan was involved in her amazing program. She has numerous celebrity connections and I would be more than happy to out you in touch with her for some ideas. She is a childrens oncology nurse at the U of A and involved in cancer research.

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