I don’t want to celebrate without you

Children are not supposed to die…Parents expect to see their children grow and mature. Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind…This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should. The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and dependent. The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection.


Ronan. I wasn’t going to write to you tonight, because I am not in a good place. On the outside, I am holding it together, but on the inside I am a complete mess. Your brothers turn 8 tomorrow and I am freaking out in my head. The thought of celebrating their birthday, without you, is destroying me. How am I going to get through the day? They deserve to have the best birthday ever, but how is that possible without you? I spent most of today, throwing up. Mimi and Papa took Liam to the movies and I took Quinn out to eat. I ate a half of a sandwich while he chowed down some burgers. I had some of his root beer float and I was so proud of myself. We were on our walk back to our condo and my stomach and nerves were shot. I hardly made it up the elevator and ran into our place just in time to throw up my one meal of the day. Lovely. I know this is all due to the physical pain of missing you. The anxiety I am filled with, the sadness, and the just plain hurt. I miss you too much to even put into words tonight.

I don’t want to take my Ambien tonight, but I can’t sleep. I want my dreams of you so I am going to try to sleep without it. Your daddy is so annoyed with me. All he wanted tonight was for me to turn off the lights and snuggle up to him. My mind was going crazy and I just couldn’t do it. My skin is crawling and I feel like I cannot do tomorrow. Your dad said to me, “Just come and lay with me and take care of me.” You know what I said to myself in my head??? I know you know; I know you heard me. I said to myself, ” I don’t want to take care of you, I only want to take care of Ronan.” MEAN. Just plain mean, but it is how I am feeling. I want my cancer baby back to take care of 24 hours a day. I want our beeping “Asspole” back that I used to complain about. I want to laugh at you again like I did after I heard you say, “Stupid Asspole,” that time you got all tangled up in it. I want you back to take care of you while you got sick from your chemo. I know that is selfish of me, but living with you through those things was actually so beautiful. I never thought of it that way, because I never thought I would have to be without you. I always thought you would just get better and you would go back to being a healthy little boy. Looking back, I wish I would have never complained about a thing while we lived with your cancer. At least you were living, at least I got to take care of you. It wasn’t the way your life should have been for the past 8 months, but at least it was you life and our life together. I miss everything about it.

So tomorrow…… I am really going to need your help. I have no choice but to wake up with a smile on my face and to hide my tears for this one day for your brothers. I need you to be surrounding us all and giving us strength to get through the day. I’ll be watching for you, Ronan. I’ll be waiting to feel you take my hand and to help me make sure Liam and Quinn have a great birthday. It’s going to be a hard day but I know I can survive it because I’ve already survived the hardest day of my life on the day that I lost you. I miss you and I love you to the moon and back. Sweet dreams baby boy.