I don’t have days where I don’t feel like writing very often. If I miss a few days here and there, it’s usually because I am too busy, too tired, or just taking a little break. Today is honestly the first day where I don’t feel like writing; yet as I sit on this airplane while Ronan sleeps, I have too many thoughts filling my head and my mind refuses to be quiet. So I’ll share. Today is the first time that I feel like it may be too much, but I started this blog and one of the promises I made to myself was to always be honest, no matter how painful it might be. Today stings. Today was a blur. Today does not seem real.
My morning started off with Ronan crying about his arm because he is in so much pain. He was actually up off and on all night, and his pain medicine seemed to only help just a little. That led me to sending Dr. Maze a text telling him what was going on and asking him if he thought it was a good idea to call Dr. Eshun this morning to ask if we could bring Ro by the clinic to give him a dose of morphine before we got on the plane. He responded with a yes. I called the clinic, but it was too early and nobody was there yet, so I was told to call back at 8:00 a.m. A few minutes later, Dr. Maze responded that he had called one of Ronan’s main nurses, “A,” and that she would be calling me soon. He didn’t have to do that for me, but he did because he loves Ro and that is just the type of person he is — one who goes above and beyond. I was beyond a mess but was trying so hard to hold it together, and waiting for the clinic to open so I could speak to someone was more than I could handle. “A” called me about 15 minutes later, and I had a lengthy conversation with her. We talked about what was going on, what she could do for me, and how we could get it done while still leaving for a flight at 3:00. She wrote out a new, stronger pain medicine prescription for Ronan, and my dear sweet friend Melissa drove down to PCH to pick it up, got it filled at the pharmacy, and dropped it off at my house. “A” also decided that I should bring Ronan down to the clinic at noon so they could give him a dose of morphine to make him more comfortable for the flight. This all sounded like a good plan to me, and it was one of the reasons I made it through today. Knowing Ronan is in so much pain is intolerable, and if I have to numb him until we start this chemo, bring it on. I can’t stand seeing him hurt the way he is.
Tricia stopped by on her way to work for a very quick goodbye. As soon as she walked in the door, we embraced and both started bawling. We held each other for a few minutes, and she gave me her best New York pep talk, but it didn’t really work. I felt as if both of our hearts were smashed on the floor below us in a million pieces. Our goodbye was fast, as that is the only way we could both handle it. Any more time spent together would have been too much for us and way too disastrous.
After Trish left, I was scrambling to get last-minute things done. Fernanda came over to help me and cooked up a huge breakfast for the boys. I was in such a daze, and she could tell as she kept trying to tell me things and I couldn’t hold a thought for a second. I tore through the last of the mail, finished packing our things, and made a few phone calls. Fernanda scattered around, cleaned up the kitchen, and helped keep Liam, Quinn, and Ronan occupied. Bethany stopped by next and brought her little Madden with her to play with Ronan. She came with her arms full of groceries for me, as I told her this morning my fridge was empty and my poor boys were living off the junk in the cupboards. I told her I needed fruit, veggies, meat, and all things healthy, or else I was going to lose my mind. She couldn’t have been happier to help, and I am so thankful. Ronan was so excited to play with Madden, and we all sat and watched the four boys run around chasing each other with Nerf guns and laughing away. I watched the look in both Bethany’s and Fernanda’s eyes today as we saw Ronan trying his best to keep up, all while keeping his right arm down at his side as he tried not to use it. The look in their eyes alone was enough to kill someone. I tried my best to keep them both busy with tasks, as well as myself, because I knew if I didn’t we were all going to crumble to the floor and end up in a wet pile of tears. My dear Niki stopped by with her two little ones in the middle of all the chaos to say goodbye. Stacy stopped by as well. Soon I had a house full of friends and kids, and it was so beautiful… for being so ugly. I kept thinking to myself, my house should be full of kids running about and laughing and my dear friends because it is a gorgeous spring break day and nothing more — not because Ronan has cancer and we are leaving for New York. Fucking cancer.
Everyone left except Fernanda, who held the fort down as I hopped in the shower and got ready to go. Danielle came over right as we were walking out the door to leave. I was so glad I was able to give her a hug and say goodbye. Mimi and Papa came over to stay with Liam and Quinn, and Fernanda took Ronan and me to the clinic to get his morphine. I knew once I got there it was game over. I took one look at “A,” and the tears started and wouldn’t stop. Dr. Adams came over as well to say goodbye and gave me a couple of big hugs and said some sweet words. Sharon also came over and held Ronan and told him she loved him. She hugged me too and told me everything was going to be alright and that she loved me. I left there still crying, holding on to Ronan’s hand as he looked up at me and told me he was sad too. I know he is sad, and it is not just because I am. He knows what is going on, and what is killing him the most is the same thing that is hurting me the most: leaving his brothers behind. He has been crying on and off about it all day and has been saying, “But I’m never going to see my brothers.” He says these words over and over, and it cuts like a knife. I just put on my bravest face, lie to him, and tell him of course he will — they will be coming to New York in a few days. Not true at all, but I think Ronan is young enough that he is not sure how much time passes between seeing Liam and Quinn. He doesn’t fully understand the concept of a few days or a few months, as it all seems the same to him. I hope, anyway.
We finished up earlier than expected at the clinic, so we ran over to America’s Taco Shop for lunch. Fernanda hadn’t been there before, and as little of a thing as it was, I felt good giving her something like taking her to my favorite spot to eat Mexican food. Now she can share it with her family, and knowing that I introduced it to her felt so good to me. So little and silly, but little and silly makes such a difference in my life now. We hurried and ate our food and headed to the airport. Woody met us there with Mimi, Papa, Liam, and Quinn. Liam seemed alright with us going; it was Quinn who I watched worry. He gave me his biggest, nervous smile and hugged and kissed me. The worst part was watching Ronan grab on to Quinn’s thigh and kiss it goodbye, as it was the last thing he was clinging to. I turned around just in time to see their last embrace before we headed off to the plane. We checked our bags and got to the gate quickly, and here we sit. Ronan is sitting in the middle of us and is sleeping soundly — so soundly that I was able to take one of his Oxycodone, break it in half, and slip it into his mouth. Ah, the joys of being able to medicate your child so he can’t feel his pain — and it is a victory that he didn’t wake up to fight me on taking it. These are the things I get to be thankful for now.
Woody. My Woody. My Woody who is so worried about Ronan’s arm that he was feeling it on the plane and is convinced he can feel the cancer in it. My Woody who looked at me and told me he felt like dying. He then said to me, “Why don’t you?” My reply was, “I do.” I watched him push the tears away, and then he grabbed my hand. We stayed that way for a while, and then he too fell asleep. I just sat, stared at both of them, and cried. Today has been way too much for me. Sometimes I am amazed at all of the tears I am able to cry, as they seem to never end. I wonder if someday I will have cried so many tears that my body will dry up like a cactus and there will be no more. I wonder these stupid things in my head all the time because I now believe anything is possible because of what we are going through. The thing I never gave a second thought to because I thought it was impossible and that we, as a family, were invincible. Things like this don’t happen to good people like us, right??? Wrong. So very, very wrong.
Time to get this New York thing going. Time to get Ronan on the path he was meant to go on. Time to make the very best of New York and all that it has to offer. Time for this city to heal my heart again, as it has done before, and it can do it again. Time to get him well so we can be one step closer to being back home for good, where we belong. I know we can do this. He can do this; he will beat this. I have no doubt that New York is the answer we have been looking for. I’ve always wanted to live here, so I will take this and make it as positive an experience as possible. I’m tired of fighting this new life; I have no choice but to embrace it as much as possible. I will take all the sadness and find the happiness in it — even if that means finding happiness in a run in Central Park or seeing my twins’ faces on Skype. I’m not going to let this break me, ruin me, or ruin my family. I may keep getting pushed down, knees scraped and bloody, but I will never stop getting back up, no matter how bloody and bruised I get.
Thank you to all of my family and friends who have helped so much. You all have no idea how much you mean to us. My words could never be enough to tell you how thankful we are. I feel like we have a little army of ants who just keep working away, never stopping, until they see us through to the end of this storm. When Ronan is cured of this awful disease, I hope you know that you will all be part of the reason he survived. Your love and support keep me from digging a hole somewhere and never coming out — right, Trish?? I love you all to the moon and back. Kisses from New York to all of you. We will never forget how blessed we are to have the people surrounding us who do. Only the best of the best, and the truest of the true.
xoxo
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