I don’t have days where I don’t feel like writing very often. If I miss a few days here and there, it’s usually because I am too busy, too tired, or just taking a little break. Today is honestly the first day where I don’t feel like writing; yet as I sit on this airplane while Ronan sleeps, I have too many thoughts filling my head and my mind refuses to be quiet. So, I’ll share. Today, is the first time that I feel like it may be too much but I started this blog and one of the promises I made to myself was to always be honest, no matter how painful it might be. Today stings. Today was a blur. Today does not seem real.
My morning started off with Ronan crying about his arm because he is in so much pain. He was actually up off and on all night and his pain medicine seemed to only help just a little. That led me to sending Dr. Maze a text telling him what was going on and asking him if he thought it was a good idea to call Dr. Eshun this morning to ask if we could bring Ro by the clinic to give him a dose of morphine before we got on the plane. He responded with a yes. I called the clinic, but it was too early and nobody was there yet so I was told to call back at 8:00 a.m. A few minutes later, Dr. Maze responded that he had called one of Ronan’s main nurses, “A” and that she would be calling me soon. He didn’t have to do that for me, but he did because he loves Ro and that is just the type of person he is. One who goes above and beyond. I was beyond a mess but was trying so hard to hold it together and waiting for the clinic to open up so I could speak to someone was more than I could handle. “A” called me about 15 minutes later and I had a lengthy conversation with her. We talked about what was going on, what she could do for me, and how we could go about getting it done to work with us leaving on a flight at 3. She wrote out a new, stronger pain medicine prescription for Ronan and my dear sweet friend, Melissa, drove down to PCH to pick it up for me, got it filled at the pharmacy and dropped it off to my house. “A” also decided that I should bring Ronan down to the clinic at noon so they could give him a dose of morphine to make him a little more comfortable for the flight. This all sounded like a good plan to me and it was one of the reasons I made it through today. Knowing Ronan is in so much pain is intolerable and if I have to numb him until we start this chemo, bring it on. I can’t stand seeing him hurt the way he is.
Tricia stopped by on her way to work for a very quick goodbye. As soon as she walked in the door, we embraced and both started bawling. We held each other for a few minutes and she gave me her best New York pep talk, but it didn’t really work. I felt as both of our hearts were smashed on the floor below us in a million pieces. Our goodbye was fast as that is the only way we could both handle it; anymore time spent together would have been too much for us and way too disastrous.
After Trish left, I was scrambling to get last minute things done. Fernanda came over to help me and cooked up a huge breakfast for the boys. I was in such a daze and she could tell as she kept trying to tell me things and I couldn’t hold a thought for a second. I tore through the last of the mail, finished packing our things, and made a few phone calls. Fernanda scattered around, cleaned up the kitchen, and helped keep Liam, Quinn, and Ronan occupied. Bethany stopped by next and brought her little Madden with her along with her to play with Ronan. She came with her arms full of groceries for me as I told her this morning, my fridge was empty and my poor boys were living off of the junk in the cupboards. I told her I needed fruit, veggies, meat and all things healthy or else I was going to lose my mind. She couldn’t have been happier to help and I am so thankful. Ronan was so excited to play with Madden and we all sat and watched the 4 boys run around, chasing each other with Nerf Guns and laughing away. I watched the look in both Bethany and Fernanda’s eyes today as we watched Ronan trying his best to keep up, all while keeping his right arm down at his side as he was trying not to use it. The look in their eyes alone was enough to kill someone. I tried my best to keep them both busy with tasks as well as myself because I knew if I didn’t we were all going to crumble to the floor and end up in a wet pile of tears. My dear Niki stopped by with her two little ones in the middle of all the chaos to say goodbye. Stacy stopped by as well. Soon I had a house full of friends, kids, and it was so beautiful…. for being so ugly. I kept thinking to myself, my house should not be full of kids running about, laughing, and my dear friends because Ronan has cancer and we are leaving for New York. It should have been because it was a gorgeous Spring Break day and nothing more. Fucking cancer.
Everyone left except Fernanda who held the fort down as I hopped in the shower and got ready to go. Danielle came over right as we were walking out the door to leave. I was so glad I as able to give her a hug and say goodbye. Mimi and Papa came over to stay with Liam and Quinn and Fernanda took Ronan and myself to the clinic to get his morphine. I knew once I got there it was game over. I took one look at “A” and the tears started and wouldn’t stop. Dr. Adams came over as well to say goodbye and gave me a couple big hugs and said some sweet words. Sharon also came over and held Ronan and told him she loved him. She hugged me to and told me everything was going to be alright and she loved me too. I left there still crying, holding on to Ronan’s hand as he looked up at me and told me he was sad too. I know he is sad and it is not just because I am… he knows what is going on and what is killing him the most is the same thing that is hurting the most for me; leaving his brothers behind. He has been crying on and off about it all day long and has been saying, “But, I’m never going to see my brothers.” He says these words over and over and it cuts like a knife. I just put on my bravest face, lie to him, and tell him of course he will, they will be coming to New York in a few days. Not true at all, but I think Ronan is young enough he is not sure how much time passes between seeing Liam and Quinn. He doesn’t fully understand the concept of a few days or a few months as it all seems the same to him. I hope anyway.
We finished up earlier than expected at the clinic so we ran over to American’s Taco Shop for some lunch. Fernanda hadn’t been there before and as little of a thing as it was, I felt good giving her something like taking her to my favorite spot to eat Mexican food. Now she can share it with her family and knowing that I introduced it to her, felt so good to me. So little and silly, but little and silly makes such a difference in my life now. We hurried and ate our food and headed to the airport. Woody met us there with Mimi, Papa, Liam and Quinn. Liam seemed alright with us going, it was Quinn who I watched be worried. He gave me his biggest, nervous smile and hugged and kissed me. The worst part was watching Ronan grab on to Quinn’s thigh and kiss it goodbye as it was the last thing he was clinging to. I turned around just in time to see there last embrace before we headed off to the plane. We checked our bags and got to the gate quickly and here we sit. Ronan is sitting in the middle of us and is sleeping soundly. So soundly that I was able to take one of his Oxycodone, break it in half, and slip it into his mouth. Ah, the joys of being able to medicate your child so he can’t feel his pain and it is a victory that he didn’t wake up to fight me on taking it. These are the things that I get to be thankful for now.
Woody. My Woody. My Woody who is so worried about Ronan’s arm that he was feeling it on the plane and is convinced that he can feel the cancer in it. My Woody who looked at me and told me he felt like dying. He then said to me, “Why don’t you?” My reply was, “I do.” I watched him push the tears away and then he grabbed my hand. We stayed that way for a while and he then too fell asleep. I just sat, stared at both of them, and cried. Today has been way too much for me. Sometime I am amazed at all of the tears I am able to cry as they seem to never end. I wonder if someday, I will have cried so many tears that my body will dry up like a cactus and there will be no more. I wonder these stupid things in my head all of the time because I now believe anything is possible because of what we are going through. The thing that I had never giving a second thought about because I thought it was impossible and we as a family, were invincible. Things like this don’t happen to good people like us, right.??? Wrong. So very, very, wrong.
Time to get this New York thing going. Time to get Ronan on the path he was meant to go on. Time to make the very best of New York and all that it has to offer. Time for this city to heal my heart again as it has done it before and it can do it again. Time to get him well so we can be one step closer to being back home for good where we belong. I know we can do this…. he can do this; he will beat this. I have no doubt that New York is the answer we have been looking for. I’ve always wanted to live here… so I will take this and make this as positive as an experience as possible. I’m tired of fighting this new life; I have no choice but to embrace it as much as possible. I will take all the sadness and find the happiness in it; even if that means finding happiness is in a run in Central Park or seeing my twins’ faces on Skype. I’m not going to let this break me, ruin me, ruin my family. I may keep getting pushed down, knees scraped and bloody…. but I will never stop getting back up no matter how bloody and bruised I get.
Thank you to all of my family and friends who have helped out so much. You all have no idea how much you mean to us. My words could never be enough to tell you how thankful we are. I feel like we have a little army of ants, whom just keep working away, never stopping, until they see us through to the end of this storm. When Ronan is cured of this awful disease, I hope you know that you will all be a part of the reason that he survived. Your love and support keeps me from digging a hole somewhere and never coming out; right Trish?? I love you all to the moon and back. Kisses from New York to all of you…. we will never forget how blessed we are to have the people surrounding us that do. Only the best of the best, and the truest of the true.