The show must go on

My skinny little chicken leg boy is finally getting his appetite back. Finally. It’s been about 2 weeks since he’s really wanted to eat. Now, I can’t keep him full. He is back to eating every hour on the hour. Oatmeal, eggs, Peanut Butter and Jelly, Fruit, Pizza, Carrots, Hummus, Cottage Cheese, Peas, Cheese Crisps… I can’t keep up! All I’ve done today is cook, clean, cook, dishes, and cook some more. It’s a good thing though… his little legs look like sticks. I need to fatten my chicken up before we go into Stem Cell Transplant. We have a clinic visit tomorrow to check Ronan’s blood levels, platelets, etc…. I’m still waiting for him to crash from this last round of chemo; but so far, he seems to be doing well. His energy is still a little low, but his spirits are great. We have really been enjoying being at home together. Lots of cuddling and down time which we both have needed. Marisa stopped by today with Baby Max. It was so nice to see her and Ronan even let her stay. He shut himself in his room at first but I finally coaxed him out. He sat on my lap and watched Marisa feed and change Max. He was very intrigued and just sat quietly, giving us a little smile here and there. After Marisa left, Ronan told me that he wanted a baby sister. Oy vey! He loves babies has been talking all day about Baby Max’s visit. He told Liam and Quinn all about Max which then led to the discussion of baby names. It was hilarious. Liam said if he had another baby brother, he would name him, Ochocinco- for the football player, Chad Ochocinco. I told him no way, so then he decided on the name Zach, for Zach Miller, the former ASU football player. Quinn was really sweet and said if he had a baby brother, he would name him Finn and if it were a girl, Isabelle. Ronan has decided that he would name the baby, Mickey Mouse. So cute. I was surprised how into the whole baby conversation they were. Just shows me what sensitive and sweet little guys I have. I’m pretty sure the baby shop is closed around here, but it was a fun conversation to have with my 3 little guys.

Tricia came over last night and we went for a quick 4 mile run. It was nice to be out with her. It was no Central Park but it felt good to be out running and it felt good to be with her. We talked the entire time and laughed a lot. I know I say this all of the time; but I don’t know what I would do without her. I could not have picked a better Godmother for Ronan, and I could not have a more amazing best friend. I so owe Woody for the rest of my life for introducing me to Tricia. Thanks Woo:) I never imagined in my life that I would need my best friend as much as I do now.

Ronan didn’t nap today, and I am listening to Woody play guitar and sing him to sleep. There is nothing more peaceful than watching Ronan as he drifts off to sleep. He is so perfect. Have I mentioned how lucky I am to have the husband I have?? He left the house this morning, worked hard all day, came home, took Liam and Quinn to basketball, dinner, came home and helped them with their homework, and now he is singing Ronan to sleep. He doesn’t even get to sleep in our bed anymore due to Ronan taking over and insisting that he sleeps in bed with me and nobody else. Woody grins and bears this…I feel awful but this is just the way things have to be for now. There are not many men out there who would be able to do this on a day to day basis, and still have a good attitude about everything. He does it all, is constantly telling me how beautiful I am while watching me fumble and fall, all while trying to pick me back up over and over again. I would be nothing without him and I’m not ashamed to admit it. He is not the lucky one. I am.

So, for the most part, today was a good day. A good day now consists of things like Ronan having an appetite, a few smiles here and there, and having my family all under the same roof. A good day now is so simple…. how could have it been so complex before all of this? How was I not grateful for everyday that I had with Ronan when he was healthy?? I guess it was because in all of my wildest dreams, I would have never imagined that my worst nightmare would come true and I would be forced to reexamine everything that I thought made me happy. What a hard and awful lesson to learn through the eyes of a 3 year old boy.

That is all for tonight. I am actually in a good mood and don’t want to spoil it with my ever consuming dark thoughts. I’m going to enjoy some quiet time with Woody and finish the movie we started last night, “Harry Brown.” Sweet dreams, my friends. Love you all!!!


S.B. I know I am going to dream the sweetest dreams tonight knowing you are dancing and drinking your wine under the moonlight and that everything is alright. xo

Ronan’s favorite song for Woody to sing and play guitar to.

All Her Favorite Fruit by Camper Van Beethoven

I drive alone, home from work
And I always think of her
Late at night I call her
But I never say a word
And I can see her squeeze the phone between her chin and shoulder
And I can almost smell her breath faint with a sweet scent of decay
She serves him mashed potatoes
And she serves him peppered steak, with corn
Pulls her dress up over her head
Lets it fall to the floor
And does she ever whisper in his ear all her favorite fruit
And all the most exotic places they are cultivated
And I’d like to take her there, rather than this train

And if I weren’t a civil servant, I’d have a place in the colonies
We’d play croquet behind white-washed walls and drink our tea at four
Within intervention’s distance of the embassy
The midday air grows thicker with the heat
And drifts towards the line of trees
When negroes blink their eyes, they sink into siesta
And we are rotting like a fruit underneath a rusting roof
We dream our dreams and sing our songs of the fecundity
Of life and love
Of life and love
Of life and love

4 thoughts on “The show must go on”

  1. Miracles are all around us, but we’re so busy we don’t see them. Thanks for pointing out to all the God works in the ordinary things of life. He gives us blessings every moment, but I know I get wound up in busyness and don’t God enough of my time.

  2. I never comment because I never know what to say and honestly, it doesn’t really because words are just words and their aren’t any magic ones that can make your pain stop.

    I started reading this blog after Taylor Swift sang ‘Ronan’ on Sā¬†2C. The song had me in tears as soon as she sang “I love you to the moon and back”. I tell my son that every day. My son who looks like a dark haired, brown eyed version of Ronan. My son who shares a name with one of your twins. It was far too easy to let my imagination visit that scary place that is your reality. It’s not fair.

    I hug my son as kiss him all over so much more than I did before reading your story. Ronan’s story. I feel such tremendous guilt wen I read your blog and have to take a break because I cannot catch my breath through the sobs. You cannot take a break. How I wish you could. I get to stop reading and remember that my baby is still here with me and I feel like a giant asshole because…well, I don’t really know why. But I do. I feel like shit knowing that I am so lucky for my babies health and there are so many parents, so many moms, mourning their babies.

    Mourning. That’s what I’m doing. Obviously no where near how you are. Please don’t take offense as I am NOT comparing my distant sadness to what you feel every second of your life. But I am. I am mourning Ronan Sean Thompson. I never knew him and I love him. I adore him. I miss him. I love you, maya. I love your strength but most of all, I love your weakness. I love your breakdowns because I can break down with you. When you’re strong, I find myself fightin back tears and my heart aches and a terrible lump forms in my throat. When you lose it, I lose it. The emotions caged, set free in a wild cry.

    I saw a picture you posted of Ronan and it instantly set me off. He was wearing a facial expression I see on my son everyday. I can’t bare the thought of never seeing it again.

    I’ve used the word ‘I’ a lot in this comment to you and I (there it is again) want you to know hat it’s because I feel it SO vital that you know how much you and Ronan have deeply touched the inner most workings of those reading yours and his story!

    I have so many more meaningless words I could continue to tap out on my iPhone right now..but what are words? Stupid fucking words that hold no special, magical powers. Stupid fucking words that have been said to you a million times, I’m sure. Stupid fucking words that I hope you read. Stupid fucking words from one moms heart to another.

    I love you maya Thompson. I love you Ronan thompson. You both are forever inbedded in my heart and soul.

  3. Oh and the other thing I meant to write is, you’re pregnant now, have you thought of Ronan naming the baby? He said he wanted a baby sister named Mickey mouse. Well…if you are having a girl…Mickey could be a really cute name. Odd and different..but cute. Mickey could be a great boy name too. Or Mickey could work as a middle name too. šŸ™‚

  4. Channel, I think you just spoke my mind. I love this mommy so much and I’ve never even met her. She’s giving me every reason to love my babies more than I ever thought possible, hug and kiss more than ever, because I know this world is cruel and thus can be over in an instant. I love you Maya. I hope you are blessed all the days of your life.

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