The show must go on

My skinny little chicken leg boy is finally getting his appetite back. Finally. It’s been about 2 weeks since he’s really wanted to eat. Now, I can’t keep him full. He is back to eating every hour on the hour. Oatmeal, eggs, Peanut Butter and Jelly, Fruit, Pizza, Carrots, Hummus, Cottage Cheese, Peas, Cheese Crisps… I can’t keep up! All I’ve done today is cook, clean, cook, dishes, and cook some more. It’s a good thing though… his little legs look like sticks. I need to fatten my chicken up before we go into Stem Cell Transplant. We have a clinic visit tomorrow to check Ronan’s blood levels, platelets, etc…. I’m still waiting for him to crash from this last round of chemo; but so far, he seems to be doing well. His energy is still a little low, but his spirits are great. We have really been enjoying being at home together. Lots of cuddling and down time which we both have needed. Marisa stopped by today with Baby Max. It was so nice to see her and Ronan even let her stay. He shut himself in his room at first but I finally coaxed him out. He sat on my lap and watched Marisa feed and change Max. He was very intrigued and just sat quietly, giving us a little smile here and there. After Marisa left, Ronan told me that he wanted a baby sister. Oy vey! He loves babies has been talking all day about Baby Max’s visit. He told Liam and Quinn all about Max which then led to the discussion of baby names. It was hilarious. Liam said if he had another baby brother, he would name him, Ochocinco- for the football player, Chad Ochocinco. I told him no way, so then he decided on the name Zach, for Zach Miller, the former ASU football player. Quinn was really sweet and said if he had a baby brother, he would name him Finn and if it were a girl, Isabelle. Ronan has decided that he would name the baby, Mickey Mouse. So cute. I was surprised how into the whole baby conversation they were. Just shows me what sensitive and sweet little guys I have. I’m pretty sure the baby shop is closed around here, but it was a fun conversation to have with my 3 little guys.

Tricia came over last night and we went for a quick 4 mile run. It was nice to be out with her. It was no Central Park but it felt good to be out running and it felt good to be with her. We talked the entire time and laughed a lot. I know I say this all of the time; but I don’t know what I would do without her. I could not have picked a better Godmother for Ronan, and I could not have a more amazing best friend. I so owe Woody for the rest of my life for introducing me to Tricia. Thanks Woo:) I never imagined in my life that I would need my best friend as much as I do now.

Ronan didn’t nap today, and I am listening to Woody play guitar and sing him to sleep. There is nothing more peaceful than watching Ronan as he drifts off to sleep. He is so perfect. Have I mentioned how lucky I am to have the husband I have?? He left the house this morning, worked hard all day, came home, took Liam and Quinn to basketball, dinner, came home and helped them with their homework, and now he is singing Ronan to sleep. He doesn’t even get to sleep in our bed anymore due to Ronan taking over and insisting that he sleeps in bed with me and nobody else. Woody grins and bears this…I feel awful but this is just the way things have to be for now. There are not many men out there who would be able to do this on a day to day basis, and still have a good attitude about everything. He does it all, is constantly telling me how beautiful I am while watching me fumble and fall, all while trying to pick me back up over and over again. I would be nothing without him and I’m not ashamed to admit it. He is not the lucky one. I am.

So, for the most part, today was a good day. A good day now consists of things like Ronan having an appetite, a few smiles here and there, and having my family all under the same roof. A good day now is so simple…. how could have it been so complex before all of this? How was I not grateful for everyday that I had with Ronan when he was healthy?? I guess it was because in all of my wildest dreams, I would have never imagined that my worst nightmare would come true and I would be forced to reexamine everything that I thought made me happy. What a hard and awful lesson to learn through the eyes of a 3 year old boy.

That is all for tonight. I am actually in a good mood and don’t want to spoil it with my ever consuming dark thoughts. I’m going to enjoy some quiet time with Woody and finish the movie we started last night, “Harry Brown.” Sweet dreams, my friends. Love you all!!!

P.S.

S.B. I know I am going to dream the sweetest dreams tonight knowing you are dancing and drinking your wine under the moonlight and that everything is alright. xo

Ronan’s favorite song for Woody to sing and play guitar to.

All Her Favorite Fruit by Camper Van Beethoven

I drive alone, home from work
And I always think of her
Late at night I call her
But I never say a word
And I can see her squeeze the phone between her chin and shoulder
And I can almost smell her breath faint with a sweet scent of decay
She serves him mashed potatoes
And she serves him peppered steak, with corn
Pulls her dress up over her head
Lets it fall to the floor
And does she ever whisper in his ear all her favorite fruit
And all the most exotic places they are cultivated
And I’d like to take her there, rather than this train

And if I weren’t a civil servant, I’d have a place in the colonies
We’d play croquet behind white-washed walls and drink our tea at four
Within intervention’s distance of the embassy
The midday air grows thicker with the heat
And drifts towards the line of trees
When negroes blink their eyes, they sink into siesta
And we are rotting like a fruit underneath a rusting roof
We dream our dreams and sing our songs of the fecundity
Of life and love
Of life and love
Of life and love

A breath of fresh air

I spent today enjoying everything to the fullest. Woody and I made a big breakfast together for the boys, Mimi and Papa; who came over to take Liam and Quinn to get their flu shots. I ran some errands alone which was nice. I then met Woody over at The Village to watch Liam and Quinn’s basketball game which was the highlight of my week. Danielle, her amazing boyfriend, Dave, and Trish came to watch as well. It was such a great game and I found myself laughing and cheering the entire time. The twins played awesome… it was like a switch flipped and all of a sudden they get it. They were hustling up and down the court, throwing great passes, guarding their guys, they each made a basket and played with the most heart that I have ever seen them play with. I was grinning ear to ear watching them and seeing how much fun they were having. The most beautiful sight that I have seen in a long time. I loved sitting with my sweet friends too and hearing them laugh and cheer right a long with me. Liam and Quinn were so excited to have an audience<3 I wish I would have recorded it all but it will forever be engrained in my brain. There is nothing like watching your kids flourish at something they love. My heart is sooooo happy today. I feel like a whole new person…. well, maybe more like the older version of myself; ┬ásomeone that I love and miss so very much.

After the basketball game, Trish and I went to Chestnut Lane for some lunch and girl talk. There is nothing like time with my bestie. It was nice to catch her up on some things that have been going on and to get to talk about our Marisa who just had her sweet baby boy, Max. I am so excited to see her and meet the newest little member of our inner circle. I am going to try to go to the hospital tomorrow to check in on them and to give Marisa the big hug that I have been saving for her. I’ve been missing her so much. Trish and I ran a couple of errands over at the mall and then we parted ways. It felt good to be out today, with her by my side. I even managed not to be bothered by being out in public. I am feeling stronger than I have in a very long time. I’m chalking it up to a very big weight being lifted off of my shoulders and the fact that Woody and I have really been enjoying each other lately. I have been missing spending time with him, doing all the little things that we used to do. Even just cooking breakfast together this morning was so therapeutic.

Tonight Mimi, Woody, and I all made a big turkey dinner together at our house. The boys played board games with Papa while we got everything ready. Ronan was pretty tired but ran around the entire night. He didn’t nap today so he finally fell asleep around 8. His energy amazes me. He had a few tantrums today…. I hate seeing him so angry. I know that anger is usually a secondary emotion so I am wondering what the first one is that he is feeling…. could be fear, or even pain. I hope he is not hurting physically and that is what is causing him to be so mad. I ask him all the time if he is hurting and he always tells me no. He has such a high tolerance for pain though so I can’t always trust what he says. I just pray that his little body is not hurting… that would break my heart. He is going through enough with everything and if he is feeling any of this, well, I don’t even have words to express how that would make me feel. All I can do is pray, watch him, and take the best care of him that I possibly can.

I am going to curl up with Woody and watch Saturday Night Live in a bit. Auntie Karen’s close friends daughter, Emma Stone, is hosting tonight. (GO EMMA!!!)You all should watch if you stay up that late. She is such a talented little thing and I love watching her in movies. She was amazing in “Zombieland.” One of my favorites:)

I hope you all have a beautiful weekend full of love and thankfulness. It is easy to get caught up in things that are not worth our time or energy, but it is even easier to just let some things go and live a life full of being true to ourselves. I know days like today are not going to come along very often for me for a while. I am going to have more bad days than good; which is a huge reason why I will forever cherish and remember today. The feeling of complete happiness is so easily taken for granted, but so easy to achieve when you know what really matters most in life.