What’s different now? Everything. Nothing is the same and it’s like living in a foreign country, stumbling around in the dark, or starting completely over with your life. We are all adjusting to this new life. It’s not fun and I try to just take it day by day, but it’s hard not to worry or think about what the future holds. All I know is my future cannot exist without Ronan. I know I am a strong woman, but I could not survive that. We had such a perfect plan for our life and I’ve worked so hard to get myself to where I am today. So hard. I did everything right. I worked my butt off in college, fell madly in love with the most amazing man put on this planet, watched him chase his career dreams and supported him, had 3 beautiful kids together. We had a plan. A really good plan. Now our plan is out the window. Now our days are filled with the unknown and that is scary. One of the reasons I loved my life so much was that is was safe and secure. That’s gone too. So now we just sit back, watch, and pray for good days and for a miracle to happen because that is all we can do. Life has thrown us the biggest curve ball possible and we have no control over it. I think that is one of the hardest parts for Woody. He has always been so in control of his life and the decisions in it and now he has none. He has a hard time with that. While the boys’ and I were in Washington for the summer, my mom, Ronan and I were at dinner and I remember telling my mom how lucky I was to be married to Woody. How after being with someone for 11 years the fact that he still takes the time to text message me 5 times a day just to tell me little things like he how much he loves me, how great of a wife I am, how lucky he is to be married to me….. still blew me away. We sat and had a conversation about how in this day in age, a love like ours in rare and hard to find. I will never doubt that he will always feel that way about me, but now the sweet text messages have stopped because all that matters is saving our son and we are consumed by it. I miss little things like that; the way that we had nothing to worry about and life was so simple, easy, and fun. I just want to be able to take Ronan to the grocery store with me. I would give anything to have him running up and down the aisles or fighting with me about sitting in the cart. It’s funny going to the store now and watch the moms with their little one’s. They are usually screaming at them to sit down or trying to get out of there as fast as possible. I used to be that mom. I miss being that mom.
Today, I got out of the house for a few hours. Woody’s cousin’s wife, Kristen, and my friend:) came a got me out of the house for a bit. We went over to ZinBurger for a bite to eat and a beer. Yeah, I totally had a beer in the middle of the day. So weird and out of character for me since I never even drink, but it felt good. We sat and enjoyed our food, beer, some football on T.V. and talked. Real talk too. It’s nice with Kristen because I never have to sugar coat anything(not that I would anyway) and she is the same way with me. She tells it like it is and I’ve always respected that about her. We then went and saw a great, lighthearted movie, “Easy A.” It was exactly what I needed today. Funny, cute, and a bit raunchy.
I’ve been reading up on nutrition and trying to help the side effects of chemo. There is a lot to learn but I am frustrated with the lack of information on kids and cancer and chemo on the internet. I’ve been looking for books but am having a hard time finding much. I’m starting to get overwhelmed, but I am determined to make sure that Ronan is eating as healthy as possible. We eat healthy anyway… but I’ve got to up his calories and I am being crazy about his organic food. Most of the stuff we eat is organic, but I am also trying to cut out any crap and restrict his sugar intake as much as possible.
This weekend has mostly been spent building Lego’s with our little man. He loves to help build them and I know it was one of Woody’s favorite things to do as a kid. Woody and Ronan are building some Star Wars ship now and Woody just yelled over to me, “How’s your life, mom?” My reply was, “Perfect.”