I slept in my own bed last night. Woke up around 3 a.m. though…. couldn’t sleep. Saw that my dear CC was up on Twitter, so, we text messaged for a while back and forth. She couldn’t sleep either. Just shows how connected we are. I finally fell back asleep around 4 a.m. and slept until 7 a.m. That felt nice. I got Liam and Quinn up and ready for school and I got ready to go to my therapist appointment. For those of you who have been asking who I am seeing, and I haven’t been answering… I’m sorry. I asked her today if it was o.k. to give out her name and she said it was. Her name is Sarah Matheson and there is a link to her on the right side of this blog. She is amazing at her job and comes highly recommend. I heart her.
After our session, I went home to pick up my parents who arrived from Washington State today. It was great to see them and they were both anxious to get over to the hospital to see Ronan. I packed up what I needed for the night and off we went. Mimi Kay and Papa were here with Ronan and they stepped out to give us some space. Ronan was so happy to see his Nana and Papa. This is the first time that my step-dad has seen Ronan and he was trying so hard to be brave. He did great for the first few minutes, but then I noticed him with his back turned away from us and I could see the tears pouring out of his eyes. I wanted to die right then and there. I wanted to sit and cry with him, but I gave him the space and time he needed to feel what he was feeling. Broke my heart though. My step-dad, means the world to me and he loves my boys, so much. They are his entire world. I hate this. I hate that he is hurting because Ronan is hurting. I would give anything for this to be me and not Ronan. My mom and Jim will be here until Saturday and Ronan is upset that he can’t go home to be with them. I hate that Jim had to see Ronan in the hospital, all hooked up to things and acting and looking so quiet and frail. This is not the way Ro looks at home. Once again, it’s our reality and pain is a big part of it. Ronan is so pissed that he can’t go home that I went into the bathroom for 30 seconds to wash my hands and I came back and he had untwisted one of the lines that he is getting fluids from. The fluids were pouring out everywhere and I said, “Why did you do that?” He looked up at me and goes, “Because I’m going home.” Little devil. I turned off the machine and called in our nurse to redo everything. What a little smarty pants. I have not clue how he knew just what to do to take off his line. He is too smart for his own good. I’ve known this about him since the day he was born. He’s always had that look in his eye like he knows so much more than we all do.
He has done well with this round of chemo. Seems a little tired and his spirits are a little low. But expected.. kind of fits the gloomy hospital setting. He of course misses his home and brothers. Makes me so sad for him. I try to do my best to keep him happy, entertained, and things fun for him. But try watching your 3-year-old be depressed; it’s not easy. Today, he doesn’t want to go to the playroom or anything. I also think his stomach is not feeling well. He threw up a little today… this dose of chemo really hits them hard with the nausea. He is on round the clock anti-nausea meds…. but I can tell he is still not feeling well.
Woody is going to come back here tonight and bring my mom, Jim, Liam and Quinn. That will make him so happy. Hoping for a peaceful night with him and that these next few days pass quickly so we can get back home.
All around me are familiar faces
worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very very, mad world, mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very very, mad world, mad world
Enlarge your world, mad world
ROCKSTAR RONAN 
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