An 8 month birthday and 31 month death-i-versary. F U 31 months.


Ronan.  Thanksgiving is over.  There was no Macegiving this year, as our sweet Macy that saves us on every holiday, could not swing coming in.  She was heartbroken about it, as were we.  We all missed her so very much, but we will be seeing her soon in January which we cannot wait for.  Of course I got all crazy trying to make a plan for Macegiving, without Macy.  After a lot of panicking in my head, crying, and thinking how can I possibly do another holiday without you? I aborted freak out mission in my head.  I made a different plan instead and it was called, “Stop putting so much pressure on yourself because it’s just another day.”  I gathered my thoughts and took some time to think about what this Thanksgiving/Macegiving/Fucksgiving meant to us as a family.  I talked to your daddy about what he wanted to do and what I was wanting to do and we came up with the most non-stressful, no pressure plan ever.  I knew that I wanted to go to Phoenix Children’s Hospital that day for a couple of hours to take around your candy cart, so I gathered up some of my best “homies” and that is what we did.  The hospital was packed, unfortunately.  I was hoping it would have been empty on this holiday as it’s so hard to be stuck in a hospital on any day, but Thanksgiving day just seems extra unfair.  I was glad to be there and it felt good to make so many kids/parents/siblings smile.  Doing the candy cart and handing out gifts is really what got me through the day.  We then came home to a super low-key Thanksgiving that wasn’t so bad and it almost just felt like another day.  We hung out, ate, watched football, and had ice-cream cake for Brianna’s birthday.  You were of course, were missed by us all.

Things seem to be moving at an incredible rate and not slowing down any time soon.  Some how, your Poppy sister is 8 months old today.  How in the world did that happen?  She is getting to be so much fun and your daddy has started calling her, “The Honey Badger” because of the way she is so determined about everything in life.  She is already so feisty and fun and has keeps us laughing a lot.  She has been so good for us all, Ro.  Your brothers absolutely adore her and she has brought back such a positive energy to our entire family.  Needless to say, I don’t know what we would do without her and I am so very thankful for this little gift you have given us.  I’ve said it before, but she truly has helped to save not only my life, but my soul.  Tomorrow, also makes 31 months without you and I still don’t know how that is possible either.  The fact that 3 years without you is approaching soon still leaves me breathless with the hugest pit in my stomach that I am starting to really believe will never go away.

I’ve also been having a really hard time writing this book.  So much so that the other day, I had a full on break down about it.  I’ve been writing a ton, Ronan, but that is it.  Only writing and not feeling a thing, while writing.  Uh, that has not been good for me at all.  Part of the reason I am doing this book is because I have certain things I need to feel while writing as it has become my form of therapy. I’ve been feeling numb and stuck, which has been leaving me frustrated beyond belief. The other night when I was in the middle of one of my pity parties to your Sparkly, I totally lost it and was about to the point where I was not sure what to do or how to fix this problem.  I took a little time out, had a long talk with you and what you would want from all of this, and all of a sudden it all became so clear to me.  I sat down, printed out all of my words and announced to our entire house hold, “I’m starting over on this book.” Liam and Quinn were like, “WHAT?! You can’t start over! Look at all you’ve written!” Your daddy chimed in, “Boys, sometimes that is what happens and we need to just be supportive of your mom.”  I started writing right then and there and I cannot seem to stop.  Finally, it feels right and I am so excited about the way I am doing this.  I am basically just using everything I had written out, as a road map to help me guide me along.  I’m also taking a little advice from my new pal, Ernest Hemingway who says, “Write hard and clear about what hurts.”  That is precisely what I am doing, all while keeping you right here with me.  Thanks for the good pep talk the other night, little man.  I really needed it. Now, back to book writing I go.  I’m sorry for the short update, but late at night is the only time I really get to sit down and write, so I have to focus on this book.

I miss you.  I love you.  I hope you are safe.  Sweet dreams, best friend.


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14 responses to “An 8 month birthday and 31 month death-i-versary. F U 31 months.”

  1. Rachel in Camas, WA Avatar
    Rachel in Camas, WA

    Beautiful pictures. 🙂
    – bed head
    – teething
    – little baby rolls
    – big beautiful eyes
    – sweet cradle from brother

    Thank you for sharing.

  2. Those pics!!! The one with Poppy asleep, being cradled by her brother, takes my breath away!
    I cannot wait to read your book. I know that it will be RoMazing.

  3. Romama
    Happy 8 to ropolove!!!
    Fucancer!!! Ronan should be here!
    Thank goodness for mr. Sparkly eyes.
    I love that Poppy saved you…your soul!!! Can’t wait for the book. I’m sure when it’s done it will be romazing Roperfect!!!
    Rolove always!!!

  4. RoMama
    Happy 8 to ropolove
    Fucancer!!! Ronan should be here!
    Thank goodness for Mr. Sparkly Eyes!
    Can’t wait for your book. It will be Romazing Roperfect !!!
    I’m so happy you have Poppy. To make you laugh.
    Rolove always xoxo

  5. absolutley stunning…thank you for changing my life and making me abetter mama to my little guys who I love to the moon…sending lots of love and I cant wait for your book…ROLOVE forever!!!

  6. I’m not sure which twin in holding into Poppy, but that picture is so beautiful. So much love.

  7. Sending you PNW love, strength and peace 🙂

  8. Amazing Poppy pictures – thank you for sharing them. I am glad that writing is starting to feel right (on so many levels it is wrong that you are writing about Ronan in the past tense). FU CANCER!! Sending you hope and hugs.

  9. Amazing pics of Poppy. Giving Ro a kiss from NJ! If you could check out my page on instagram, @ronanspicymonkey07 and give me a like/comment it would mean a lot to me. All i aim to do is spread awarness. RIP Ronan, we love u to the moon and back . ❤

  10. It is so lovely to read how Poppy, Ronan’s gift to you, is bringing happiness to your family. You all deserve to have love and beautiful moments in your lives. I am forever sorry for what happened to Ronan. You are creating a legacy for him that will never end, and this book will mean that people will know what he was like and what he went through, so that no other child must suffer the same way. It is important he is remembered for who he was, brave and feisty and loving, not just for what took him from you. I am sure your book will be a perfect tribute to your boy. Thank you for these little updates, you are doing so well. Sending love to you all, especially your beautiful children x

  11. I really love seeing the photos of your beautiful daughter, thanks for sharing! Life is hard, but OH so sweet…Wishing you all a peaceful, happy Christmas.

  12. Hey, I’m from germany and my english is very bad, but I just want to say you, that I read Ronan’s story and I cried the hole time.It’s so touching to read, how open you write and handle it.You and your hole family are so strong and powerful and I think you were the best family that Ronan could have…And I hope your book will also appear in fdddddssogerman

  13. Hey, I’m from germany and so my english is very bad, but I just want to tell you, that I read Ronan’s story and I cried the hole time…This is soo cruel, he was so young…It is so touching to read how open you write about that.Ronan,you and your hole family are so strong and powerful!There wouldn’t be a better family than yours for Ronan.When I hear a story like yours, I jjust wonder why?just

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