Ronan. Thanksgiving is over. There was no Macegiving this year, as our sweet Macy that saves us on every holiday, could not swing coming in. She was heartbroken about it, as were we. We all missed her so very much, but we will be seeing her soon in January which we cannot wait for. Of course I got all crazy trying to make a plan for Macegiving, without Macy. After a lot of panicking in my head, crying, and thinking how can I possibly do another holiday without you? I aborted freak out mission in my head. I made a different plan instead and it was called, “Stop putting so much pressure on yourself because it’s just another day.” I gathered my thoughts and took some time to think about what this Thanksgiving/Macegiving/Fucksgiving meant to us as a family. I talked to your daddy about what he wanted to do and what I was wanting to do and we came up with the most non-stressful, no pressure plan ever. I knew that I wanted to go to Phoenix Children’s Hospital that day for a couple of hours to take around your candy cart, so I gathered up some of my best “homies” and that is what we did. The hospital was packed, unfortunately. I was hoping it would have been empty on this holiday as it’s so hard to be stuck in a hospital on any day, but Thanksgiving day just seems extra unfair. I was glad to be there and it felt good to make so many kids/parents/siblings smile. Doing the candy cart and handing out gifts is really what got me through the day. We then came home to a super low-key Thanksgiving that wasn’t so bad and it almost just felt like another day. We hung out, ate, watched football, and had ice-cream cake for Brianna’s birthday. You were of course, were missed by us all.
Things seem to be moving at an incredible rate and not slowing down any time soon. Some how, your Poppy sister is 8 months old today. How in the world did that happen? She is getting to be so much fun and your daddy has started calling her, “The Honey Badger” because of the way she is so determined about everything in life. She is already so feisty and fun and has keeps us laughing a lot. She has been so good for us all, Ro. Your brothers absolutely adore her and she has brought back such a positive energy to our entire family. Needless to say, I don’t know what we would do without her and I am so very thankful for this little gift you have given us. I’ve said it before, but she truly has helped to save not only my life, but my soul. Tomorrow, also makes 31 months without you and I still don’t know how that is possible either. The fact that 3 years without you is approaching soon still leaves me breathless with the hugest pit in my stomach that I am starting to really believe will never go away.
I’ve also been having a really hard time writing this book. So much so that the other day, I had a full on break down about it. I’ve been writing a ton, Ronan, but that is it. Only writing and not feeling a thing, while writing. Uh, that has not been good for me at all. Part of the reason I am doing this book is because I have certain things I need to feel while writing as it has become my form of therapy. I’ve been feeling numb and stuck, which has been leaving me frustrated beyond belief. The other night when I was in the middle of one of my pity parties to your Sparkly, I totally lost it and was about to the point where I was not sure what to do or how to fix this problem. I took a little time out, had a long talk with you and what you would want from all of this, and all of a sudden it all became so clear to me. I sat down, printed out all of my words and announced to our entire house hold, “I’m starting over on this book.” Liam and Quinn were like, “WHAT?! You can’t start over! Look at all you’ve written!” Your daddy chimed in, “Boys, sometimes that is what happens and we need to just be supportive of your mom.” I started writing right then and there and I cannot seem to stop. Finally, it feels right and I am so excited about the way I am doing this. I am basically just using everything I had written out, as a road map to help me guide me along. I’m also taking a little advice from my new pal, Ernest Hemingway who says, “Write hard and clear about what hurts.” That is precisely what I am doing, all while keeping you right here with me. Thanks for the good pep talk the other night, little man. I really needed it. Now, back to book writing I go. I’m sorry for the short update, but late at night is the only time I really get to sit down and write, so I have to focus on this book.
I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, best friend.