Ronan. I have no idea what I did this week. Not only do I have grief brain, I have pregnancy brain to go with it as well. It’s amazing that I can even drive a freaking car. I feel foggy, heavy, sad, tired… this is NOT depression, P.S.
It’s hormones, grief, and pregnancy. And no… I do not need medication. Nor will I ever need medication for my sadness which is just that. Sadness from losing you. My sadness will never go away and I am o.k. with that. It will forever be a part of who I am. I will deal with my sadness in ways that work for me and no pill will be required. I have been daydreaming a lot. About popping this Poppy out and being able to be free again. Free to go running. Free to go hiking. Free to blow off some of this crap that I have been holding in due to not being able to exercise the way I want to or need to. It’s the only thing that makes my head less foggy. I have been missing my running and hiking so very much. That is the time I feel closest to you. When I am connecting with nature and myself. It’s a good thing that this pregnancy is coming to an end because I am about to burst not having the outlet I am so desperately craving.
Most of my week was spent playing catch up with some things and taking care of your brothers while trying to rest up a bit. Your daddy has been the best helper, as always. I am slowly getting ready for your Poppy sister. It is still one day at a time with all of this as I am being very careful about trying to only buy the things we will need right away. I’ve been making Fernanda so nervous about everything that she just went ahead and ordered Poppy’s crib for me, and didn’t tell me until after! Leave it to her to just take things into her own hands. I couldn’t possibly love her more. I sat with Stacy yesterday and went over a list of things I do not have, but will need. Things such as diapers, burp cloths, bottles, a boppy. I ran to the mall today to exchange something and talked myself into going to Pottery Barn Kids to look at some bedding. Your baby sister needs some sheets. As soon as I got in there I was so overwhelmed. I snuck back to take a peek at what they had. I am so indecisive that I almost had a panic attack. I was walking past the counter and the sales lady goes, “Do you need help?” I just politely smiled and told her no. She then goes, “Have you registered?” I just laughed and said, “No, I have not.” I knew I was not getting off that easy and sure enough she goes, “You look like you’re about to pop and you have not registered?!” It was obvious that not only was not registering a sin, but that I had 3 heads as well. I just smiled and walked off. I was not about to explain our situation and how I had tried to register for baby things, but could not even get past the first few things that I was going to register for. I found myself back looking at the boy stuff and all the new Star Wars stuff they have gotten in. I was so sad as I ran my hands across the new Star Wars sheet set and thought how I would have totally bought those sheets for you. All I wanted to do was crawl into the Pottery Barn bed, pull the covers over my head and never come out again. I practically ran out of the store after that. Fuck that place.
I came home and finished cooking up the best meal ever for your daddy and brothers. My short ribs and mashed potatoes. It felt nice to do something nice for all of them. They have been taking such good care of me. Your brothers are the best little helpers around. I knew I wasn’t going to be home for dinner so I wanted to make sure they didn’t have to eat out, again. They were so grateful and thankful for the home cooked meal. I skipped out shortly after they left for basketball practice to go see Dr. Jo.
I spent a couple of hours with her. I’ve been trying to spend more time with her, talking about everything now that I have slowed down a bit and have more time. It feels good. As we were sitting there tonight, Poppy kept thumping me in the same spot over and over again. I said to Jo, “Feel this. What is she doing?!” Jo came over and felt my stomach. After a minute she goes, “She has the hiccups!” OMG. Cutest thing ever. I don’t remember ever feeling you boys have the hiccups in my tummy. The thought of this little baby girl, hiccupping in my stomach, pretty much made my night. I spent the rest of my time with Dr. Jo going over a lot of things and now I am so beat I think I have no choice but to end this and pass out now. I cannot possibly form another thought. Our sessions are always a lot of work and always exhaust me. Your brothers are in my room with me and I am going to snuggle up to them. We all miss you so much.
I love you, Ro. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, little man.