Somedays, the littlest things are too much



Ronan. Tonight, I am sad. As in, really, really, really, sad. I suppose that was bound to happen, after the build up of the marathon, the actual marathon itself, and now it’s over. I am sad, every single day, but today I just miss you so freaking much. I had a quiet day. Those are the days when I miss you the most, because if you were here, there would have been nothing quiet about my day. I hung out at the beach with your brothers and cousins for part of the afternoon. That pretty much sucked. For as much as I love seeing Liam and Quinn, soak up every single thing that they should be, it still feels wrong to me. I am still constantly still looking for you, over my shoulder. Doing normal things, is still not easy and it still stings. Today, I tried to get lost in the ocean for a bit, on my surf board. Not even that could wash away my pain today. I stayed out only for about 40 minuets. The waves were big and I  kept getting tossed underneath the water, again and again. At one point, I got tossed so hard underneath the water that I thought I might drown; but then I remembered I was wearing my wetsuit. I may have hoped to drown for a few seconds, but my headed popped up above the surface of the water where I could breathe again. Lucky, aren’t I?

After our afternoon at the beach, I brought your brothers back up to our place. I played the role of the best mama ever. I made them dinner, sat and ate with them, did laundry, cleaned up, watched a movie with them, and tucked them both away in sleep, in bed with me. The big huge gaping hole in my heart won’t go away, today. The lump in my throat, won’t go away today. The alligator tears, are never-ending, tonight. Somedays, I get tired of being so strong. Somedays, the screaming questions of why, why, why, are unbearable. Somedays, I get tired of hearing how our story has made people, better people. Somedays, it stings to hear how much of a better mama or daddy people are, because of us. They all get to tuck their kids in at night. I do not. I will not, ever again. Where is my prize? I just want you.

I’m sad tonight, so I’m going to end this now. But I’ll leave this sad little post, with something sweet down below. A little slide show of how I got though May, how I ran a marathon, without training, and how I will continue to get through this life without you physically here with me. With the help of a lot of a lot of inspiring people out there, who remind me that I am strong, even when I think I am not.

I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby boy.


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11 responses to “Somedays, the littlest things are too much”

  1. Wow. Such cool pictures…thank you for continuing to share. Praying tomorrow will be a better day ❤

  2. All our love and thoughts are with your entire family.

  3. I wish there was something I could say or do to make you smile. I’d give you your baby back a million times over if I could. Just wanted to let you know that we truly care and thank you for sharing both the good and the bad..

  4. Maya…I wish that I had never heard of you. I wish that your story had not had to touch my heart so. I wish that you didn’t have to run a marathon, dive from a plane, hike in the baking sunshine and put bracelets on trees. I just wish your gorgeous son had not had cancer and that cancer had not stolen him away. But I want you to know that there are people like me all round the world who want to send their hopes and love to you and to join you in saying FU Cancer. May the fucker be fucked one day very soon.

  5. Love you so much! The quote you usually say about all good things being wild and free will soon be a tattoo of mine. My heart breaks for you. I wish I could bring him back.

  6. Beautiful pict.’s!! Sorry you had a really sad day, thinking of you and Ro always, xo

  7. I am sorry it was such a sad day for you, Maya. I miss Ronan so much for you…I wish I could bring him back so you wouldn’t have quiet sad days anymore. I loved all your pictures and it is easy to see the love and devotion you have for your boys. You are a good Mama, extra hugs and love on your hardest days…

  8. Wish I could help take that lump outta your throat when you have it… xoxo

  9. Love the slide show and I’m so very sorry. 😦 Hoping tomorrow will be spicy for you.

  10. Hugs Maya. I could really stare at your marathon pics all day. You accomplished sooo much, and not just running the 26.2. Sending love your way and so happy to see the trial getting funded sooner! Think of the babies and families that will be helped quicker. That is the difference between living and dieing as you sadly know each and every day. A sweet girl I know is fighting relapsed NB, thank goodness Dr. Scholler is treating her and they are keeping the monster at bay thus far. I HOPE and PRAY that something is literally right around the corner so that sweet precious Ari has a CURE for her disease. Thank you for all you do each and every day.

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