Somedays, the littlest things are too much

 

 

Ronan. Tonight, I am sad. As in, really, really, really, sad. I suppose that was bound to happen, after the build up of the marathon, the actual marathon itself, and now it’s over. I am sad, every single day, but today I just miss you so freaking much. I had a quiet day. Those are the days when I miss you the most, because if you were here, there would have been nothing quiet about my day. I hung out at the beach with your brothers and cousins for part of the afternoon. That pretty much sucked. For as much as I love seeing Liam and Quinn, soak up every single thing that they should be, it still feels wrong to me. I am still constantly still looking for you, over my shoulder. Doing normal things, is still not easy and it still stings. Today, I tried to get lost in the ocean for a bit, on my surf board. Not even that could wash away my pain today. I stayed out only for about 40 minuets. The waves were big and I ¬†kept getting tossed underneath the water, again and again. At one point, I got tossed so hard underneath the water that I thought I might drown; but then I remembered I was wearing my wetsuit. I may have hoped to drown for a few seconds, but my headed popped up above the surface of the water where I could breathe again. Lucky, aren’t I?

After our afternoon at the beach, I brought your brothers back up to our place. I played the role of the best mama ever. I made them dinner, sat and ate with them, did laundry, cleaned up, watched a movie with them, and tucked them both away in sleep, in bed with me. The big huge gaping hole in my heart won’t go away, today. The lump in my throat, won’t go away today. The alligator tears, are never-ending, tonight. Somedays, I get tired of being so strong. Somedays, the screaming questions of why, why, why, are unbearable.¬†Somedays, I get tired of hearing how our story has made people, better people. Somedays, it stings to hear how much of a better mama or daddy people are, because of us. They all get to tuck their kids in at night. I do not. I will not, ever again. Where is my prize? I just want you.

I’m sad tonight, so I’m going to end this now. But I’ll leave this sad little post, with something sweet down below. A little slide show of how I got though May, how I ran a marathon, without training, and how I will continue to get through this life without you physically here with me. With the help of a lot of a lot of inspiring people out there, who remind me that I am strong, even when I think I am not.

I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby boy.

xoxo

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Do you know if this hotel is pager friendly?? I’m not getting a sig’ on my beeper.

It’s days like today that make me really angry at cancer. I pretty much sat and held Ronan the entire day. We snuggled in bed and on the couch and watched movies. He won’t let me leave his side; not that I would want to. We watched “The Fantastic Mr. Fox,” and the ever so appropriate, ” The Hangover.” (hence the title of my post tonight) I seriously think that is one of the funniest movies ever and I don’t think I could ever get tired of it. Ronan laughed a lot during the movie in spite of his pain. I’m not censoring much these days from him, especially if it makes him laugh. He is feeling awful and has been fighting a low grade fever most of the day. I’m pretty sure he’s developing Mucositis, just like he did with Round 4 of his chemo. He’s telling me his throat hurts, he’s not talking much, he doesn’t want to eat. He’s in pain and just wants to be held. I’m pretty sure we will end up at the hospital if I can’t get his fever to go away. I am positive his ANC counts are at 0. That means no immune system at all. Poor baby. I would give anything to take his pain away.

Our Saturday should have been spent at the twins’ basketball game and at our dear friends son’s 2nd Birthday party. I was so sad to miss both of those things today but I am glad Woody was able to go and take the boys. As my Niki said tonight… next year we will all be together to celebrate her little one turning 3. Thanks my friend, for checking on me the entire day even though you were in the middle of your son’s birthday. You are so amazing to me. Woody and the boys’ had a blast and came home so tired. They are now all snuggled up in bed while I sit here and will stay up as long as I can to watch Ro and his fever. I spoke to the on call doctor tonight and she said as long as his temp does not go above 100.4; we don’t have to come in. Hoping we make it through the night.

I still hate the nights. The nights where if and when I fall asleep, my dreams are filled with such vivid nightmares that I toss and turn all night long. The nights where I no longer get to sleep with my husband because Ronan refuses to share our bed with anyone but me. My poor Woo… what kind of a man would allow a child to kick him out of his own bed? Only the kind of man who has a heart of gold and who would give up anything and everything for his son. I feel awful. I miss Woody and our precious time we used to have together staying up late and laughing at silly things that we would talk about at night or watch on T.V. while the boys’ slept. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me in so many ways. I’m tired and we still have such a long road ahead. Will this nightmare ever end???? Will I ever get my normal life back??? Everything is forever changed; and it better be with a very sweet outcome. All of our blood, sweat, and tears will save our baby. I swear to god on my life. Fucking cancer.

That is all for tonight. Going to try to unwind while watching my sweet lil’ man sleep. G’nite, sweet dreams my loves.

xoxo

Do you know if this hotel is pager friendly?? I’m not getting a sig’ on my beeper.

It’s days like today that make me really angry at cancer. I pretty much sat and held Ronan the entire day. We snuggled in bed and on the couch and watched movies. He won’t let me leave his side; not that I would want to. We watched “The Fantastic Mr. Fox,” and the ever so appropriate, ” The Hangover.” (hence the title of my post tonight) I seriously think that is one of the funniest movies ever and I don’t think I could ever get tired of it. Ronan laughed a lot during the movie in spite of his pain. I’m not censoring much these days from him, especially if it makes him laugh. He is feeling awful and has been fighting a low grade fever most of the day. I’m pretty sure he’s developing Mucositis, just like he did with Round 4 of his chemo. He’s telling me his throat hurts, he’s not talking much, he doesn’t want to eat. He’s in pain and just wants to be held. I’m pretty sure we will end up at the hospital if I can’t get his fever to go away. I am positive his ANC counts are at 0. That means no immune system at all. Poor baby. I would give anything to take his pain away.

Our Saturday should have been spent at the twins’ basketball game and at our dear friends son’s 2nd Birthday party. I was so sad to miss both of those things today but I am glad Woody was able to go and take the boys. As my Niki said tonight… next year we will all be together to celebrate her little one turning 3. Thanks my friend, for checking on me the entire day even though you were in the middle of your son’s birthday. You are so amazing to me. Woody and the boys’ had a blast and came home so tired. They are now all snuggled up in bed while I sit here and will stay up as long as I can to watch Ro and his fever. I spoke to the on call doctor tonight and she said as long as his temp does not go above 100.4; we don’t have to come in. Hoping we make it through the night.

I still hate the nights. The nights where if and when I fall asleep, my dreams are filled with such vivid nightmares that I toss and turn all night long. The nights where I no longer get to sleep with my husband because Ronan refuses to share our bed with anyone but me. My poor Woo… what kind of a man would allow a child to kick him out of his own bed? Only the kind of man who has a heart of gold and who would give up anything and everything for his son. I feel awful. I miss Woody and our precious time we used to have together staying up late and laughing at silly things that we would talk about at night or watch on T.V. while the boys’ slept. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me in so many ways. I’m tired and we still have such a long road ahead. Will this nightmare ever end???? Will I ever get my normal life back??? Everything is forever changed; and it better be with a very sweet outcome. All of our blood, sweat, and tears will save our baby. I swear to god on my life. Fucking cancer.

That is all for tonight. Going to try to unwind while watching my sweet lil’ man sleep. G’nite, sweet dreams my loves.

xoxo