Ronan. It’s days like today that make me realize, it can’t rain forever. I have had a really tough week. Grief completely knocked me down and shackled me to my bed yesterday. Literally. Your brothers are wrapping up the school year. It’s been a constant stream of end of the year stuff. We had their end of year, baseball party a couple of nights ago. That’s the straw that broke the already very broken straw on the camels back. I went to it. I put on my face of composure, grace, and happiness. Anybody that looked me in the eyes and truly looked would have seen what was going on. I spent the entire evening, looking for you, everywhere I went. Why aren’t you there, running after your brothers like everyone else’s siblings? Why aren’t you there, giggling and jumping on the trampoline with all the other kids? Why aren’t I scooping food on your plate and making sure you ate a good dinner? I know why. It’s always the same answer and I always hate it. It will never become an easy pill to swallow. I will choke on it for the rest of my life. I made it through the party. I reached my breaking point just as it was coming to an end. I looked at your daddy and said, “I have to go. This is too much.” I left the party without your brothers. Your daddy brought them home about 10 minutes later. 10 minutes more and I would have flipped out, big time. I don’t know what flipping out big time really looks like yet because I always seem to take myself out of the situation, before it happens. I’ll bet it would have ended up as me, huddled in a corner, refusing to leave the party until your daddy went and found you and put you safely in my arms. Where you belong. Where you should always have been.
So, it was the day after that party that I knew I was not going to make it. Your brothers last day of school. I was so shaky, all day. I picked them up, they were all excited about their grades and going to some trampoline park with their friends. I told them I would take them, so we headed over. We parked our car and headed inside. “Oh, shit,” I thought to myself. The trampoline park, looked like it threw up an entire elementary school, on that day. I think your brothers saw the color drain from my face. I just looked at them and honestly told them, “I’m sorry. I can’t do this today, you guys. Is it o.k. if we just go do something else?” They were both so sweet about it. I got an, “Sure, mom. It’s crazy in here.” We bolted out the door before we got sucked into the too much chaos that I cannot seem to handle well anymore. We went and got Mexican Food instead. I tried my best to play the happy mama role when it was all I could do, not to fall apart. I held it together at the restaurant. I did not hold it together, when we came home. I fell apart. I don’t do this often in front of your brothers. I did it yesterday. I went straight to bed at 3:00 p.m. I stayed there for the rest of the night. Your brothers and your daddy came to check in on me, but I had checked out. “Please, just let me be. Please just give me some space.” They did. I shut my bedroom door. I watched some really fucked up movie called, “We need to talk about Kevin.” I needed to get lost in the world of somebody else’s whose life was more fucked up than mine. This movie did the trick. I don’t ever watch movies anymore due to my lack of concentration. I did pretty well with this one. I felt so guilty about shutting everyone out. I did the whole, “You are a bad mama thing. Nice way to end your boys’ school year, you loser.” Yeah. I gave myself a beat down. I do that a lot. I know I am my toughest critic and my own worst enemy. But I did not have a choice yesterday. I had met with Dr. JoRo earlier in the day and we both knew I was going to lose it. I had a very shaky session full of a lot of guilt about you dying a little shame. I can usually gage the rest of my day on how our sessions go. I was a wreck during this one so it was no surprise I cracked. After my alone time, your Quinn came and curled up with me. He had his little head buried in a pillow. I heard him sniffle. “What’s wrong, baby? Are you crying?” He didn’t answer. I grabbed him and touched his little cheeks. I felt his big alligator tears. He didn’t want to talk. This is turn made me start to cry. I laid my head down next to him and started crying with him. I then started talking, while I was crying. “Quinn. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry this happened to your baby brother. He loved you so much. This is so unfair and wrong and he should be here. Nothing will ever make this right and I am so sorry this happened to us. It shouldn’t have. None of this deserved this. He was the best little brother, wasn’t he? I’m sorry if my being sad, upset you today. I just really miss, Ro. I am so thankful I have you and Liam. I love you both so much. I love Ronan so much too which is why we will make our lives even better, because of him. He is still around, leaving us little gifts everywhere. I love you. I love you so much, Quinn.”
We both got up. I told him I bought him a journal/drawing tablet. We sat in bed and I scribbled in mine and he drew some pictures in his, of you. You should see them. The are adorable and one actually really looks like you. I think the writing and drawing really helped him. It seemed to calm him down and he was so proud of his work. Writing and drawing seem to be a good outlet for him. He’s very much like me in that way.
May is almost over. Thankfully. I’m so done with this month. It was your daddy’s birthday yesterday. I think I gave him a really good gift and it had nothing to do with anything I bought him. The gift I gave him yesterday was priceless. I’ve been working on this gift, for a while. It’s one that has slowly been falling into place. Yesterday, I gave your daddy the gift of team work. Dreams. Visions. And making them a reality. We are both on the same page with what we want to do, for you. We had a little pow wow yesterday. One where we were able to voice our visions and get some feedback on them. I have no doubt in my mind, what we are going to do. Something huge. Something beautiful. Something that is unlike anything else that exists. Because you were that unique, which is why this will be too. Yesterday, the no word did not exist. No matter if it was said or not. All I heard yesterday was, YESYESYES. You CAN do this. I hear the word yes in every conversation I have now. If the no word ever pops up in my life, I’ve already figured 10 ways to get around it and make it a YES. To me, I’ve had the word NO thrown in my face, the hardest way possible, by losing you. Therefor, no will never be an acceptable answer again. Not with anything I do. After our pow wow of ninjaness, we went to dinner. Liam and Quinn were at Mandy Bee’s house and we went to pick them up, but they were not wanting to leave as they were in the middle of dinner/playing. Because of this, your daddy and I went to some random Mexican restaurant in way North Scottsdale. An area that we never go out to. I was all giddy from our pow wow. We sat down at your table. Our waitress came over and asked what we wanted to drink. She was wearing a purple bracelet. I just looked at her and said, “What’s your purple bracelet for?” She shyly said, “Cancer.” I just smiled and said, “Oh, for who?” She then said, “For some little boy, named Ronan.” I held up my hand and waved. “Hi. I’m Ronan’s mom.” She looked shocked. She told me that some of the waitresses wear your bracelets. I told her thank you. That’s when I went off on your daddy. “OMG. Do you see? There are NO coincidences in life. We are at some random place, we’ve never been… we just had this great teamwork of a day…. this is a sign from Ronan that we are doing the right thing. This is what we are meant to do for him. And on all days, this all happens on your birthday. It’s Ronan’s birthday gift to you today. I have no doubt in my mind, we are doing this.” I told your daddy to leave her a good tip and I also left her a bunch more bracelets and Ro cards. We are changing the world. This is not just a cancer story, Ro. It’s our never-ending love story. Our love story that is going to change the world.
We ended the day by picking up your brothers. They had the best time spending the afternoon/evening with our Mandy Bee. Thanks, Bee. They were tired when we got home but they were excited to give your daddy his present and card. It was a nice way to end our day. I signed your daddy’s card from you as well. I will always do that, for you. I also signed his card. I didn’t say much. I simply told him, “I’m lucky to have you.” Because I am. I know this. Your daddy is the glue that is holding us all together. I am so very thankful for that. It was a hard birthday for him, not having you here. That was evident in his face all night long. He loves you so much.
Today, is Friday. Today, is busy. Today, I can get through. I’ve got so much to live for and so much to do, all in the name of you. Today, there is no stopping me. I’m on a mission. I am doing this. In my mind, it’s already done.
I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Have a good day, baby doll.