Ronan. Today was a very busy, important day in this new, oh so strange world without you. I dropped your brothers off at school. I came home, allowed myself to crawl back into bed for 15 minutes where I sobbed about you, got up, showered and got ready for the day. Becca had invited me to sit at her table at the We Stand Behind Planned Parenthood luncheon. You know how I feel about the whole luncheon thing… too many people… anxious feelings…not ready for the real world yet… but Becca asked me and for her, I would do anything. Plus, I do stand behind Planned Parenthood, so I was actually looking forward to going. It was empowering to be there, standing up for such an important cause. Standing up for what they believe in, which just happens to be, what I believe in. I am proud to stand behind this organization. Please do not bombard my blog with your opinions on this subject. You won’t change my mind. I hope you all know, just because I talk about some things I stand behind on here, I do not expect you all to agree with me. Agree to disagree. I am totally o.k. with that. It’s what makes us all unique, different, and as human beings and we each have a right to this freedom. This is what Planned Parenthood, believes in:
1. We believe all individuals have the right to make informed, independent decisions about sex, sexual health, and whether and when to have a child.
2. We believe everyone has the right to safe, high-quality, affordable health care – including the full range of reproductive health care.
3. We believe everyone has the right to comprehensive, age-appropriate, medically accurate sex education.
4. We believe in commonsense policies that promote women’s health, increase access to affordable birth control, and protect the health of young people.
5. We believe in U.S. foreign policy that improves the sexual health and well-being of individuals and families globally.
I support that. I support them. That’s the bottom line. I also get that some people do not support them and all I have to say is, to each their own. I have a personal relationship with Planned Parenthood. When I was in college, when Woody and I were NOT trying to get pregnant with the twins, when I thought, “Oh shit, I think I am pregnant!” just after we were newly married… I went to them for a pregnancy test. I was so young, scared, and they made me feel safe AND it was affordable. Plus, it was right down the street from our condo. I also always got my birth control from them. They had my back at that time and I’m a very loyal girl. Enough said. And please, do not be so ignorant to start spewing shit about how I believe in abortion. I DO NOT BELIEVE IN ABORTION. But I do believe in a woman’s RIGHT to CHOOSE. There is a difference. I do not believe old men in suits have any business telling a woman what she can or cannot do with her body.
Before the luncheon, Becca and I made an executive decision (because we are so official now) to run down to the Capital, to show our support for Nicole Stanton’s press conference regarding SB 1462, the anti bullying bill that would have protected the rights of ALL children in our Arizona schools. A bill that will protect ALL of our children, one day very soon, I have no doubt about that. From the little time I’ve spent with Nicole, I have no doubt that she will get this bill passed and it will be placed in all of our schools, just as it should be. I cannot get started on what I think about Cathi Herrod, the lady responsible for killing this bill. That would take up this entire blog to you, Ro and I just don’t have it in me. I don’t want to get started on this, but I can’t stop myself tonight. She pisses me off. She is clearly a pro bullying, racist, homophobic, mean lady. Whom I would really like to take home with me and have her sit down and watch all the episodes of “Glee,” with us. I don’t even watch T.V. anymore, but I would welcome her in for a little slumber party of sorts. We would sit, eat popcorn, drink sodas, and watch every episode of “Glee!” I might recruit Mandy Bee to dress up like a ninja and douche her with a red colored Slurpie like the bullies do on the show to the kids who are “different.” Crap. But then that would be bullying I guess. So let’s not do that… but it is sort of fun to imagine! It is soooo totally fun to imagine. Can you get arrested for something like that? Like if you did it in a public place?? Just sayin… Bucket list, Rita… bucket list.
Cathi, honey, darling… I hate to break it to you, but the gays and lesbians of the world, are not going anywhere, nor are they hurting anyone. They are people, just like you and me. So are the little cancer babes with bald heads, scars, some who are paralyzed now from this awful bully of unfairness called childhood cancer. Go get angry about something that is really harming children, everywhere. ALL KIDS HAVE A RIGHT TO BE PROTECTED. Childhood cancer is something to protest. Not a simple thing, like people just being who they are, and being treated poorly for that. THAT IS SO WRONG! I think I would like to meet with you lady. I have a few bracelets and a little story you might need to read. It might make you change your mind about all the stupid shit you are fighting for, which in the reality of this hell, that I live in now… just does not matter. Fighting so hard against people’s sexual orientation, is so fucking stupid, that it angers me! What a waste of time and energy, to put into something that is nobody else’s business! When will this world wake up and start fighting for things that actually matter? I have a dead child. I think I win! Nothing else is worse. I have a dead child because of lack of funding/passion/awareness/stupid fucking politicians with the egos the size of china who clearly DO NOT CARE ABOUT DEAD BABIES WHO ARE KILLED BY THE NUMBER ONE DISEASE KILLER, IN FREAKING AMERICA! But who are more concerned about my son, sitting next to another boy in school that maybe likes to wear pink and sing show tunes! PRETTY SURE I WOULD HAVE CHOSEN TO BE MORE PISSED OFF OVER THE FACT THAT MY SON HAS A DEAD BROTHER OVER CHILDHOOD CANCER, YOU FUCKING MORAN! I’m pretty sure I would not be pissed off that my son might actually make a really good friend who could teach him how to sing/dance/love/be true to who they are/who they should have the right to be, without being bullied about it. It’s called LOVE. And that is a beautiful thing no matter what shape or form. I think I would like to go line Cathi’s driveway with a bunch of fake, bloody, beaten up, bald, dead, not dead, but hooked up to chemo-polls, babies and kids. I think I could make her change her mind-own up to her stupidity and apologize. You should be ashamed of yourself, Cathi Freaking ASSHAT Herrod(new favorite word, thank you very much FAIRY RoMo) You pretty much, make me sick. I don’t know how you freaking sleep at night lady. But I’ll bet it is a very cold bed. My bed is only cold, because my sweet baby boy, who used to sleep in it, with me… is dead. But thanks for keeping my twins safe at school by trying to keep everything so black and white. No coloring outside of the lines, right?? Thank Ro, I have the right to teach them how to color way the fuck out of the lines, at home. You can’t take that away from me.
Ro baby! Sorry for all my political rants! I did not mean to take time away from you. Ending that now. Back to you, to me, to us.
That was yesterday. This is today.
I’ve had a whirlwind of a week. I have been so productive, so positive, so channeling this anger into motivation… I knew I was going to crack. I kept it up, all week long. I helped others. I begged for some things to change to some very important people. I fought the good fight. I engaged with your brothers. I took them hiking, running, spent some real, quality time with them, went to their field day at school. I picked up the phone more when old friends called. None of this was easy. I did it all up until about 2:00 today. It was around 2:00 today, that the tears started and I could not stop them. Your daddy came home. He saw the look of sheer terror in my eyes as I stood in your brothers’ closet, hanging up their shirts. He wrapped his arms around me as I sobbed. Your brothers had a baseball game tonight. I could not go. I could not stop the tears and the thought of sitting through a game tonight, without you, was just too much. Just add it to the pile of mom guilt I feel all the time now.
Want to hear the one of the most fucked up conversations I’ve had, since losing you? It happened last night after your daddy came home from the Radiohead concert he went to. I opted to stay home with your brothers. It was late, around 11 p.m. I was not sleeping, but just quietly laying next to him. Your daddy looked at me before he fell asleep and goes, “I would let you kill me, if it would bring him back.” I didn’t even hesitate, Ronan and I said, “I would.” He goes, “I know.” End of conversation. It ended, just like that. For it being so wrong and so totally fucked up… if you can see beyond all that… it is actually really beautiful. Not that I need to be reminded, because I know it all of the time… but it just shows how much your daddy loves me too. That he would sacrifice himself, for not only you, but for me as well. To end my horrific pain. I would do the same for him, in a heartbeat. I would make him kill me, if it meant you could come back. That is how much we miss and love you. That is how much we hurt, from not having you here.
Tomorrow is St. Paddy’s day, Ronan. A holiday that I really, really love. I’m not sure if we will actually do anything, but I am totally rocking one of my most awesome tee shirts for it. (rude comments need not apply) If you were alive, I would totally let you rock this in a kid size. How freaking funny would that be! I wore this the other day and some dude told me I was too tall, to be a leprechaun. You would have been the perfect size.
I love you. I’m going to try to settle down a bit. Tricia came by and could not even pull me out of bed to hike Camelback. I never say no to that. Tonight I did. I told her there was no way I could face the shiny happy people of the world today. I know when I need a break from it all. I know when to take the day off and give into this pain. I know I can only do so much and when a breakdown happens, to just let it happen.
Your Margarita kept me laughing through my tears tonight though. She has a way about doing that. She doesn’t just make me laugh on the surface like a fake pretend laugh. She really makes me laugh. And then she throws in some sort of jab, all ninja like, that makes me feel like I am kind of awesome… in the raddest way possible;) Or she’ll make me feel like a total jackass, for some of the shit that comes out of my mouth; but she keeps me laughing while she does it. I think she’s a keeper. I think the way you left that R2-D2 guy in her yard tells me you think this too. That was pretty nice of you, little dude. Thanks for that.
My eyes are officially burning. My heart is sad. I’m going to try to forget this world for a bit by watching a movie on this very sad, stupid, I hate every night, without you, Friday night. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I’m so very sorry.