A Bed of Fire

Ronan. I swear time stood still today. I knew that reality was going to come crashing down hard after the New York fuckeverythingimabadass high came to a halt. Yeah it did and it hurts. I knew I was in for it when I wrestled with my sleep all last night. I fought the devil aka, Ambien last night and won, but my sleep suffered. I was really trying hard to unwind last night, but of course my mind was racing. I have such a hard time being in our bed where you and I spent so much time while you were sick. I often feel like I am laying in a bed of fire. Just as I was settling down, I realized that I had left your GiGi in my car. FUCK. It was late but all I could think to myself was you have to get up and go and get Ronan’s GiGi. You are such a bad mom if you don’t. He could never sleep without it and now you have to take care of it for him. I got up, threw on my most favorite big, chunky hospital sweater that I used to wear with you, and ran outside to get your blanket. I thought that would help me go to sleep. It didn’t. I came back to bed and tossed and turned. Your daddy woke up and tried to get me to settle down. I usually want to punch him for being able to fall asleep so easily and peacefully. I didn’t want to punch him last night. I was just really sad. I got up and went to check on Liam and Quinn. They were both snuggled up on Quinn’s bottom bunk bed together. I crawled up in the top bunk bed where Liam usually sleeps. It was about 3:30 a.m……. my witching hour around here because that is when you passed away. I fell into somewhat of a sleep and dreamed only dreams of myself, fighting with everyone I love. I woke up to hearing your brothers get up and into the shower. Quinn crawled up to give me a kiss good morning. I got up, felt groggy and knew due to my lack of sleep that it was going to be a really hard day. Hard day was an understatement. A hard day would have been welcomed. I’ll never know what a hard day in the normal world feels like again. Days like today are absolute hell. I tried to be productive. I made of list of random things that I needed to get done. I did most of them and checked them off. Checking things off on a list usually makes me feel better. Not today. But I suffered through this day, solo, ignoring everyone’s phone calls. Less and less people call now and that’s o.k. I wouldn’t pick up anyway. I went to pick up Liam and Quinn from school and as I was waiting, I was staring out the window with tears pouring down my cheeks. I decided to check the comment part of this blog which I try to keep up on, but sometimes I get overwhelmed by reading them. I appreciate them all, so please continue to write them. It’s on days like today, that they really do help. Somebody posted this and it was so beautifully written that I just had to post it on here tonight. Thanks Leslie.

Grief has dropped a bomb in your life. You are shattered, blasted, blown apart and all but nearly destroyed. Amongst the shards, amongst the debris, you live. You don’t know how. You can’t see. You can do nothing but feel the pain that is within you and around you. You don’t understand, you will never understand. You lay down amongst the rubble for you can do nothing else and you cry, like you have never cried in your life before and you think why me, why this, why RO?
And somehow without knowing how you uncurl yourself and brush yet more tears from your face and you walk. You begin to pick up a shard, a broken piece of your life here and a broken piece there. They don’t fit together anymore, they can’t. There is no going back to what once was. And as each tiny fragment begins to shape itself anew, so do you. Your shape is a stranger to you now and to everyone else. Your pieces have become you. They speak of your strength, of your courage and they speak of you, the vulnerable you, the broken you, the loving you and the wonderful you.

Love is never lost, always in your heart and soul, right where Ro is…

I cried harder when I read those words though. It makes me think that there are strangers out there, who kind of get this. Leslie got it today and I was thankful for that. Once I grabbed your brothers from school, we came home and did their homework. It was all I could do to muster up the energy to help them. I retreated to our bedroom and laid down with Quinny who fell asleep before basketball practice. I didn’t sleep with him, but I held him as he slept and I cried. Your daddy came and woke Quinn up as it was time for basketball practice. I stayed home as I swear I was paralyzed with grief today. After everyone got home from basketball practice, Liam was begging to go back out to the Village to play some more basketball so your daddy took him. Quinn stayed home with me. At one point, we were in the kitchen. He looked at me and asked me why my eyes were so red. I just said to him that I had been crying. He asked why. I said, “I just miss Ronan. Why else would I be crying?” He looked sad and told me he loved me. We went into the bedroom and I asked him if it was o.k. if we watched a movie. He said o.k. We put on, “The Help.” So, I’m not a good judge of much things anymore, because everything seems so sad to me and I cry over everything…..but was that movie, really, really, sad??? And also, insanely good??? I think I cried though almost all of it all while I explained to your 8-year-old brother, the cruel ways of the world. Especially the past. But I also explained to him the beauty that can come from fighting hard for something you believe in, no matter how wrong people tell you, you are. He watched the movie with wide eyes and asked questions the entire way though as he was really wanting to understand it. He didn’t understand what the KKK was or why anybody would want to hurt another person over the color of their skin. He soaked up everything about that movie tonight and told me he really liked it. He also told me he thinks Emma Stone is really pretty because she doesn’t look like everyone else and looking different, is pretty. Ummmm….. hello little Casanova. Some girl, is going to be really, really, lucky someday. He is such a wise little soul. Liam is too. So were you. I think it’s something you were all 3 born with…. this deep, soulful spirit. Thinking about this, made me smile through my tears tonight but it didn’t stop them from falling.

I’m just sad. And tired. And sorry. So very sorry. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. I still can’t believe I couldn’t save you. I still think this is all my fault. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to fix this but no matter what I do, this will never be better because you are gone and all I want is you back. I love you monkey boy. G’nite. Sweet dreams. I love you so much.

xoxo