Ronan. I’m trying to remain calm and quiet tonight. Today was hard. WTF is going on? I thought things were supposed to be getting easier as time goes on. Time heals all wounds. Who is the dumb ass that made that up? All time is doing is taking me further and further away from you and this time I had with you on this earth. It just makes me miss you more. I don’t even really remember today, except it was another one of those longest days ever. I woke up late with Liam and Quinn. Made them breakfast, talked to you Daddy about some things, cried, all while Quinn sat and wouldn’t leave my side. UGH. You know how much I love your brother, but sometimes, I just need my space whether it be when I’m on a phone call or just trying to freaking go pee. Your brother refuses to leave my side. This breaks my heart, as I know the reason why and I tried to calmly talk to him about privacy today as he grabbed my phone to read a text message out loud that Macy had sent me. Little eyes! I handled the situation appropriately I guess, but I think he got his feelings hurt. After spending the past 3 days with your brothers, I’ll bet you Quinn has been away from me for maybe 10 minutes. I love how much he loves me. It’s as if he is trying to give me a double overload of love because you are gone and he knows I need it and he needs it too. But fuck. I do need my space every once in a while. Thank GOD for NY Miss Macy arriving tomorrow. Not only am I in desperate need of how she makes me laugh like no other, but she can take some of the pressure from this Quinn situation. Mama needs a break and a very long run to get out some of this restlessness.
Today, simply just sucked. Bad day. Bad headache. Bad mood. Bad everything. You know you are going to have a bad day when you wake up to the ocean and sun shinning and you feel pissed off. Liam and Quinn were still tired from yesterday and last night. We attempted to go down to the beach and pool for a while, but they were soon board as none of us were feeling it. Liam was tired, Quinn was tired, and my headache was out of control. We came back upstairs so I could make them lunch. I knew it was going to be one of those lazy bum beach days. Liam plopped himself in front of the T.V. and Quinn said he wanted to take a nap and wanted me to lay down with him. I couldn’t tell him no. We snuggled up in bed together and he grabbed my hand to hold while he fell asleep. I just watched him and tried not to cry. Remember our naps together? Almost everyday we would take one, it was part of our little routine. I loved those napping days together so much. I dozed off with Quinn but my sleep was restless as it always is, especially without my Ambien. I don’t think it would be such a good idea to take that stuff in the middle of the day. I wrestled with my sleep, tried to be peaceful, but woke up angry at everything still. Quinn slept for a few hours. He was beat. I got up and took out my aggression on the laundry, dishes, and cleaning.
After Quinn woke up, we got ready and decided to go out to dinner. We went to Old Town for some Mexican Food. I shared Carnita’s with Quinn and Liam ate a huge thing of chicken nuggets and the homemade tortillas that they make at the restaurant. He of course, dipped them in his ketchup. Your brother and his eating habits…. I swear he could live off of ketchup alone. It was a nice dinner but as always it was a big reminder that you are not here. We used to take you to that restaurant all of the time and it was as if there was a video playing inside my head of the last time we had been there with you. It was all I could focus on as I tried to hold a conversation with Liam and Quinn. I did my best.
It has not even been 2 months since you left me and already I can feel myself panicking about what I am going to do in August when your brothers go back to school. I am now panicking even more because your daddy brought it up today. He knows I will go crazy if I don’t have something to stay focused on. You were my soul focus for 4 years. Now what, Ro? I am scared to death as I don’t have a plan at all. I like a plan so much but a part of me wants to rebel against this “plan,” and just see what comes my way. Fuck the plan of life because I now know there are never any guarantees if you do have one. I had a plan with you. It was the most perfect plan and now look. I’m left alone, in a house, without you to take care of, while your brothers go back to school. I know I will figure something out, I have to. Otherwise, I know I will end up seriously doing something crazy like barricading myself in your room and never coming out.
I talked to my Bryson friend via text messaging tonight. Your spirits are so similar. He loves Star Wars, just like you. He is really passionate about living his life full of fun; just as you were. He has crazy pictures on his FB wall of the skiing he does, jumping off cliffs, etc….. That is so how you would have been. Nothing in life would have stopped you and I know you would have been extra fearless especially when it came to things like skiing, surfing, cliff diving, etc….. It was just something you were born with. Bryson is this way too. The more I learn about him, the more I am finding out how much alike you really are. I don’t know what this means, but I am intrigued. He is a very sweet boy. He told me he thinks we met so he could help me heal. I just told him that is a big job for such a young kid. Way too much for him to take on. He has already helped me by what he did for me on the airplane. Sitting alone without you for the first time…. I very well could have lost it. He distracted me and let me tell him the beautiful story about you. I am so thankful for that. That first flight was going to be hard on me.
I’ll smile tonight thinking about how you used to always say, “Mama.” and I would go, “Yes.” and you would say, “You’re cute.” and I would go, “You’re the cutest!” and then we would start our wrestling tickle party telling each other that the other one was cuter. I loved that so much. It was so fun to be so silly with you. So simple.
Alright my baby. You know our conversation that we had tonight? The one where I stare at the pic of you on your iPad and I swear you are staring back at me. I kiss you and whisper what I need you to do, which is take me with you. I told you to tell whoever it is upstairs, that I need to be up there with you. I am you mom. I am the one who is supposed to be taking care of you! I am fine with leaving here. You make them make it happen for me, Ro. We belong together. Just you and me. Just like we always said. I know you can hear me. Make it happen because I can’t take this much longer. Ambien is kicking in. I miss you so much and although I still had so much to say tonight….I’m tired. I love you so much. I hope you are safe.
Where’s Macy??? Where’s Ro????