“I’ve got nothing!”

Ronan. The love of my life. My baby doll. I missed you today. So much. As soon as I woke up, I hopped in the shower. Your brothers were still asleep and I let them stay that way until it was their turn to shower. We had a big day planned for us today. No sitting around the condo, breaking up fights, listening to them saying they were board at the beach. After we gathered up our things we headed off of this island, with a pit stop at Starbucks, of course. Venti Vanilla Non Fat Latte for me please. Two tall Black Iced Teas for Quinn and Liam, with extra sweetener. I also grabbed them some bagels for our road trip and we were off! We headed to Newport, which is about an hour and a half North of Coronado. The boys were happy in the back, watching their “Smurfs,” DVD. Apparently, the SMURFS are making a comeback in major way and your brothers have caught the fever. You started watching it during the last trip to Sloan. You were just starting to get into it. I used to love the SMURFS when I was a kid. They are so cute and blue and there is always some sort of trouble going on. I love that they are trying to bring it back. Liam and Quinn watched their DVD of it for the drive out there. We arrived to Newport around noon and parked our car and Chris was waiting for us. The boys were so excited to see their cousins. We walked down a lush filled hill with a really cool tunnel that you have to go through and out on the other side was this gorgeous beach, a few shacks to eat at, and tide pools galore. Our version of Heaven. Which is why you were with us today in your dolphin form. More on that later.

I threw down our things by Tiffany and it felt so good to see her. To just sit and catch up on things. We talked a lot about you, of course. We talked so much at one point we had no clue where Quinn and Lanye had gone. Turns out, they were way down the beach looking for crabs. Liam was right in front of us, down by the ocean with Bo; digging a hole to China. Between the tide pools, hole digging, wave jumping, boogie boarding, and body surfing….. those kids kept busy for 6 hours straight. It was so much fun to watch them and I cannot tell you how much it meant to be surround by family today. Family like that is just so good for the soul. All the kids get along so well together and I love to watch the interactions. It’s such simple fun, being out in nature, being a kid, with nothing to worry about. It’s how a child’s life should be. One big thing about losing you Ro, is how I am trying to protect any innocence that Liam and Quinn have left, fiercely. So much of it was taken away when you died. It’s important for them to do things like this today so they can understand that life will go on, life will be happy, life is still simple and innocent when you cut out all the bullshit and just get to the roots and the core of it all. Like seeing who can catch the most crabs without getting pinched. And even if you do get pinched, it will be o.k.

As we were packing up our things around 6 p.m. a bunch of dolphins came swimming by. They are everywhere this year. Wonder why:) We packed up everything, got the kiddies in the car and headed up to Chris and Tiffany’s hotel to finish the night off with swimming, pizza, and salmon for dinner. The kids swam and hot tubbed for 3 hours. We finally pulled them out of the pool around 9 p.m. Everyone was tired after our very happy, busy day. Happy, busy is a good thing for us now. Thanks again, Chris and Tiffany. Such a beautiful day for all of us. The little bugs fell asleep in the car about 20 minutes before we got home. I was looking at them in my rear view mirror. So sweet, so tired, so little. Yes, I’m using the word little on my 8-year-old giants who will soon be taller than me. But really. They are only 8. That is so young and it is easy to forget that because of how mature they are. Seeing them both crashed out in back of my car really pulled at my heartstrings tonight. So vulnerable and beautiful. They have been through so much and are still so amazing in every way. I am so lucky to have them. As we parked our car, we ended up getting home around 11, the boys were so tired but they both got up and asked what they could help carry. I carried most of the stuff but let them both carry some little things. I know how important it is to them to feel like they are helping.

As soon as we got into the condo, Liam went right to his bed. I tucked him in and told him how he was my favorite son and how I was so proud to be his mom. I told Quinn the same thing to as I tucked him in and I said it to you, as well Ro. You are all my favorites and I am beyond lucky to be your mama. As I was driving over the Coronado Bridge and I started to freak out about losing you and how easy it would be to just drive my car off of the bridge like I so often fantasize about….. Something clicked. Mother Fucker! I am truly not crazy. As much as I feel like I am and I think I am going to go insane….it’s just not going to happen. It’s very simple actually. I am a sane person, who has been put in an insane situation, and now I have to figure out how to deal with it. There will be no “Thelma and Louis,” dramatic car scene, no jumping off the Coronado Bridge, no overdose of drugs, unless you call coconut water a drug…..  Like a good friend of ours used to say to Woody,  in regards to a friend they had….”He’s got nothing!” Well, that’s me. “I’ve got nothing!” I’ve got nothing except a parent’s worst nightmare coming true, and a sane chip programmed in my head that will keep me safe. Damn. I’ve always wanted to try that Thelma and Louise car jumping off a cliff scene. Maybe I should just go and rent the movie  instead.

OK Ro. Time to tuck you in. Twinkle Twinkle my brightest star. I love you to the moon and back. Forever. I hope you are safe.


13 responses to ““I’ve got nothing!””

  1. Maya an amazingly beautiful post as always. I admire your pure,honest,from the heart writing. It is mesmerizing.

    I was watching Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman lastnight. It was an episode on the soul. I only caught the tail end but immediately thought of you. They were talking about how your soul lives on. In every person you have ever interacted with. And I know that Ronan lives on in me, in my actions I make now, the way I view the world, and I know he lives on in every person that has EVER read your blog, seen your story, heard your story etc. They were also talking about some other things that I believe would help you in this time of sorrow. It may be worth watching at some point. I didnt view the whole episode so I cant really say too much other than the last 15ish mins was interesting to me.

    I want nothing more for you than to have this horrible fucking pain go away. I know that is not possible, there is only one way for that to happen. I want you to know that even though we have never met I grieve with you, I laugh with you, I cry with you, I get pissed off and angry with you and most of all I admire you. You are one of the purest kindest most honest person I have ever encountered. Ooooops. . . looks like im writing a book here, I just wanted to let you know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know you are gonna get shit done!! ❤ ❤ ❤

  2. I was watching the Shawshank Redemption with my husband and the following quote struck me and I thought of Ronan, partly because of the hummingbird you mentioned, and partly becuse of his beautiful magnetic personality that shines through you every day…
    “I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone. I guess I just miss my friend”
    You are a brave strong woman Maya and I am a faithful reader and supporter every step of the way – all the way in Pennsylvania, Kt

  3. Glad that today was a fun day, great change of pace. The photo were fantastic. The week is half over, and you are doing great. You and your entire family is in our thoughts and prayers. Hope today is another new adventure.

  4. Maya,
    I read your blog almost daily. I’ve shed tears for & with you; my heart aches for you & your family.
    Thank you for allowing us along with you on your journey. You have given us the gift of Ronan.
    I believe that no one who has read your blog has come away without being touched and then gone on to share his story, in turn raising awareness about neuroblastoma.
    I appreciate your anger and the darkness you are feeling. I also believe with all my heart, you are perservering.
    You are an amazing person with the power to raise awareness and cause change.
    Thank you again,

  5. Maya

    Not sure if it was the time with Chris and Tiffany or a break from the Coronado routine or that it was Tuesday, but you sound AMAZING. I know, baby steps and the whole one step forward and two steps back, but your fiesty nature and FU as you crossed the Coronado Bridge is life affirming … is powerful … just is.



  6. Maya… sounds like a fun filled busy day.

    I pray that most days keep you busy with the boys enjoying the sun, beach and pool. You need that time as a family. You have Quinn and Liam to surround you with their love. They need you as much as you need them. You have Woody! Your Rock! and you are his Rock! You have your family and friends. Keep doing what you are doing. Baby steps mama bear!

    Rockstar Ronan will always be a part of you heart and soul. He will be right beside you…right there guiding you on. Cheering you on mama! I hope you had sweet dreams with Ro.

    Thinking of you and your family. Thinking of your beautiful blue eye baby boy “Rockstar Ronan”

  7. Your words are so touching – the part that sends me into tears everytime is -” I hope you are safe” Hugs to you and thanks for always reminding the world what we have and what could be lost. Maya your amazing!

  8. soooo happy that you and those beautiful twins had such a lovely day in newport with family!!!! and those dolphins…what a sweet sign from ronan! it makes my heart happy to know that you, woody, and the twins have such amazing family and friends to support and love you with open arms!! hope today is filled with smiles, laughter, sunshine, surfing, maybe a run?, and unending signs from the angel himself, ro. xoxo

    1. maya, my son and i were listening to our song “no one” by the lyrical genius, alicia keys. i think about you and ro now when we listen to it.

  9. sounds like a great day Maya! Still praying for you! God bless…

  10. Maya it sounds like Ronan is guiding you all with his immense love. Thinking of you and your family and especially Ronan daily… I wish he was here with you and the boys, I just truly do.

  11. I am so happy you had such a wonderful day yesterday! I hope you have many more like that!!

  12. Good morning Maya,
    Hugs to you and the boys. Another good day for you, each one better than the last.

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