My little reading crasher


I awoke this morning from an email from my friend, Diane, who lost her little boy, Jack, to Neuroblastoma, a few years ago. She and her husband, Ed, held our hands through this entire process and are still continuing to do so. Something that I know cannot be easy for them. The four of us unfortunately, share a very special bond, but there is no one I would rather share it with then two of them as they are an amazing family. Diane’s email was from late last night, and she was wanting to know if I was up. I didn’t see it until this morning but as soon as I read it, I called her right away. Every year, Di visits a “Medium,” and she started doing this a year after Jack passed away. I totally am into this sort of thing and I know when the time is right, I absolutely plan on finding the right person to go to. Di went a couple of weeks ago, after Ronan had passed away and she told me that Ronan totally crashed her reading. Her medium went on and on about this little boy who is now with her son, Jack, and has a large crowd of peeps surrounding him. She also told Di that Ronan knows I write to him and it makes him happy and he knows it is helping me process things. While I was listening to Diane tell me these things, I was sobbing hysterically. There is not much I believe in anymore at this point in my life, but I totally believe that Ronan can hear me still. Maybe that is why I cannot seem to stop writing to him, because this entire time, although I didn’t even think of it this way, he can hear me and knows what I am writing to him. I don’t know where my writing comes from. It is something that just pours out of me at night from my heart and soul. It is something I cannot seem to stop doing and maybe this is my way of really communicating with Ronan. It is our way of staying connected. Whenever I sit and write, I feel so connected to him. I sometimes feel like he is the one putting all the thoughts in my head. He is the one who gives me the strength to continue doing so. This is one of his many gifts to me. All I know is I can’t seem to stop and I don’t want to. It is cathartic to me and Ronan knows this, so he continues to inspire me and push me. As long as I feel like I have things to say, I will continue on. What I write may not always be easy to read, and I so appreciate all of you for staying with me and not judging me. What I speak is the truth, raw, and real. It is the way Ronan would want me to continue on with his story. He never held back a thing; something I would like to think he got from me. He wouldn’t have my writing any other way. So Ronan, my very special soul. Thank you. Thank you for crashing Di’s reading and letting her know you are o.k. I know you are because of all the love that still surrounds you. I know I will see you again someday, little man. But now, I have to work my ass off on what we set out to do from day one of your diagnoses, which is raise awareness. I will not stop until things in pediatric cancer have drastically changed. I will fight harder for you than ever because I have to make you proud and I promised you we would tackle this together until people listened. Even though you are gone, I know you will be working just as hard with me right by my side. Together, we can do anything.

So, Ro. After I got off the phone with Di, I woke up your Daddy and Quinny so we could get going on our day. I got Quinn all ready for Legoland and Mimi, Papa, and Liam came to pick him up and off they went for their little adventure of the day. They had a great time. Your daddy and I got ready to head out to meet Denise from your favorite clothing line, Fore, Axel&Hudson. We decided to meet her in Laguna and I was so quiet on the car ride there. I was feeling such a mixture of emotions. I was anxious, excited, happy, but also really, really, sad. I have talked with Denise for months now and one of the thing I always said to her was how I couldn’t wait for the day to come when she could meet you and see in person and see how adorable you looked in her clothes and hats. Nobody could pull off a Fedora like you, Ro. Having to meet her today, was devastating to me without you. On our drive there, as we had just gotten to Laguna and we were driving in town, the tears were streaming down my face. I was begging you to give me a sign that you were with me. I was staring out the window and on my right was a store called, Esther. I almost couldn’t believe my eyes. I mean, how often do you hear that name and just when I was wanting a sign, there it was. 2 minutes later, I looked to the left and there was a store called To the moon. I couldn’t ask for a bigger sign than that Ronan. You and Esther together in Laguna. How random is that? It was almost so amazing that for a slit second I thought I made it up in my head. But I didn’t. I can’t wait to tell Doriet about this. I know this will make her as happy as it did me. I know the two of you are together.

When we got to Denise’s brothers place today, and I finally got to wrap my arms around her, everything just felt right. You would have loved her. She is one of the most real, pure, kind-hearted people I have ever met in my life. Everything she has done for you has been out of love for a little boy that she didn’t even know, but you captured her heart. Your daddy and I told her how happy all the clothes and hats she would send, made you. You were always so proud to wear them as you should have been because they are the so special and unique, just like you. We had a beautiful lunch and Denise wanted to know a bit about what we wanted to do with your foundation. We explained to her that research was our number one goal. I told her how I cannot get Gisele Sholler out of my head, even though I have never even met the woman, but she was the one who was going to help us in the end. I really want to meet her and I am really interested in the cutting edge things she is coming up with for Neuroblastoma. I also talked about Dr. Mosse at Chop. I believe in her and what she is doing as well. I believe in Dr. Kushner too, but my personal feelings are getting in the way of wanting to help him, although I know I should put these aside because he is a brilliant man. Like I said, when the time is right, we will know. I know you will help us make this decision. Funding research is our number one goal, but raising awareness is where my heart is truly at. Something has to be done to make people open their eyes. Baby steps, Ro. But we will get there, I promise my love. After talking to Denise about what we are considering, she had a proposal for us. She said she has talked with the two other owners of her company and they really want to get involved and make a difference. They have decided that they want to design a line of hats in your name and they want me to be involved in the design process. With a part of the proceeds going to your foundation. She had both your daddy and I all choked up at lunch over this. What an amazing thing to be a part of. We are so honored. The fact that one simple message from me, and this company jumped on the chance to help out by making you so happy with all the fancy clothes you used to love so much to wear, and they wanted nothing in return but your smiles. As of now, Neiman Marcus carries their line and The Garage in Scottsdale. They say certain people are put in your life for a reason, and it is clear that Denise is going to be a big part of our lives. I feel like I’ve known her forever and the connection that you have given us is such a blessing Ronan. We felt you all around us today as it was the most gorgeous day outside. I know it was you, smiling down at us. I know you were with us all day long. After a wonderful afternoon, it was time to get your daddy to the airport. He headed back to Phoenix today and it was hard to see him go especially after how emotional we both were today. I hate the fact that he is at our home, without us. But I know he is there with you and your ashes, so that makes me feel better. I hope they bring him comfort like they do me. I know you will take good care of him tonight and play with him in your dreams like you have been doing.

I came back to our condo and put on my running clothes for my nightly run. It was much needed after today. I only put in 4 miles again, and they were fast and easy. My running seems to come easily to me now because all I do is think of you. Time passes quickly that way. I didn’t do my nightly swim as I was wanting to get back to pick up your brothers from Mimi and Papa’s. They are both sound asleep, tired from their long day out. We all take turns sleeping with your blanket and Liam has it tonight. We treasure it so much.

Time to try to get some sleep, Ambian induced of course. I am convinced this is why I am not dreaming of you…. because it puts me into such a deep sleep. I am too scared to try to sleep without it now. Someday, but as of now, I’m not ready. I will know when I am ready to try to sleep like I used to. If I don’t take it, I stay awake all night and just sob about you. It’s too painful and I need the sleep to get me though the days. It takes a lot of energy to try to hold it together and being sleep deprived is something I don’t think I can mix into this madness now. I know you know this, but I miss you so much. I think about you every second of the day. You will always be a part of our family and we will never forget how you lived your life with such pride and dignity and you were never scared. Everyone could learn so much from you. You never felt sorry for yourself and you never stopped fighting; until I told you to. Thank you for listening to me for the first time in your life. As much as I wanted you to fight forever, I had to let you go to be free of your pain. Whispering those words to you was the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life. But you loved me that much that you honored what I said to you. I am so thankful for that. I had to let you go and live your new life, the life you deserved to live here with us. I know you are free now and as sad as I am, I am happy for you. So go and play, baby. Go and cause all the trouble in the world and know that I will always be right by your side, loving you every second of my life. I will see you again, I promise you. I dream of that day, Ronan. I have a lot of work to do first and it starts with your daddy and brothers. I have to make sure they are going to be o.k. I worry for all of them and we have so much healing to do. Everyday that I see your brothers smile, it gives me hope. I am so lucky to have them and so were you. We all know this and treasure our time with you so much.

G’night my little man. Go spread your love around tonight and visit everyone who loves you so much. Twinkle Twinkle my baby star. I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

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22 thoughts on “My little reading crasher

  1. Hisham

    Maya –
    I’m happy for you! It sounds like you had a very good day today. You are so brave — keep plugging along and remember days like today. Because eventually the good days will come more often and they will outnumber and crowd out the bad ones. After reading your post from today, I feel that your writing expressed both healing and maybe even the beginnings of hopefulness. And that continues to be my greatest wish for you and your family – hope for healing, love, and remembrance as you all continue on your journey. As always, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and your little rockstar with us.

  2. KT

    Maya, what a beautiful post. Denise sounds
    like an amazing lady!!! So happy you had a
    peaceful, productive day. xoxo

    Ronan, TO THE MOON sweet baby!!!

  3. Amy

    That is so crazy, I just watched Chelsea Lately & she had the author whom “Ghost Whisperer” was based off of……….he just wrote a new book about our life’s lesson’s here and what happens when people “cross over” and all the different relationships, He told Chelsea her brother had moved on but her mother was always with her an would use her dog “Chunk” to get messages to her! James Van Pragg is the man/author. He’s touring for his new book, when you are ready I think it may answer some questions for you. Here to love & help & not over step! We love you Thompson’s!!!

  4. Brandie

    Maya,
    When I read in one of your posts that a friend of yours had said “Your words and Ronan’s Eye’s” are what brought all of those wonderful people to the Brightest Star in the Sky event, I knew exactly where she was coming from. Because of you I now know of this horrible, nasty, cruel disease called Neuroblastoma. Your baby Ro has inspired you to write some of the most beautiful and powerful words that I have ever heard before. Most days I can’t get your blog out of my head. I think that you are the John Walsh of cancer. You know the guy that stars on America’s Most Wanted. His little boy Adam was kidnapped and murdered years ago when he was just a little boy. Because of this horrific experience that no parent should ever, EVER have to go through, he has changed the world. He has written books, starred in one of the longest running T.V. shows about Crime and spoken to Congress about changing laws and putting procedures into place that save the lives of children who are missing every day. I know that one day when you are ready…you will change the world of Pediatric Cancer. I have often thought that you could turn your blog into a book of Ronan’s life and the courageous battle that you both fought so hard. If awareness about childhood cancer is one of your main goals – I am positive that your book would become a bestseller. Maya, thank you for sharing Ro’s story with so many people that you have never met, like me. You inspire me every day. One day, because of Ro’s eyes and your words, you really are going to change the world. Fuck Cancer!!!

    Brandie

  5. Angie

    Maya,
    I got chills reading about the medium, I completely believe in it and I am so happy about what she told you about baby Ro. Hopefully it brings some comfort to know he’s still with you, even if not physically. I love the saying at the end of your post because it is always something I’ve struggled with and I want to punch people who say it. I mean, how do they know that everything happens for a reason? And, if so, what is the f’in reason? I hate it. I completly agree that we make up reasons for the things that happen to make ourselves feel better.

    Take care of yourself and I hope you see Ro in your dreams.

  6. Laura

    You are truly an amazing writer. I’m glad you are feeling so many wonderful signs out there. I’m so proud of all you are doing. I hope you have a terrific day today. Your entire family is in our thoughts and prayers.

  7. Marcia

    Dear Maya,

    It is so weird that you mentioned a medium today. I have wanted to bring this up to you so many times, but I didn’t know how you would feel about it. I too am a firm believer and I have been to mediums as well. I am reading a James Van Praagh book that he just released. It is called “Growing Up In Heaven” and I immediately thought of you. Although I have just started reading, I absolutely love it and I encourage you to read it when you are ready.
    I want you to know that I think about your family and Ronan all the time. It has made me appreciate my little ones that much more.
    God bless you and your family. Ronan would be so proud of you….you are the strongest mother/woman I know. I know you will continue making changes in cancer research all in the name of your precious Ronan.
    Love Always,
    Marcia

  8. Jen S

    Maya, what a beautiful post – you are right. Ro is giving you signs everywhere… he is with you always. What a wonderful bond you and Woody and Denise have formed – I do believe I have some shopping to do for some awesome boys’ clothing, since I have 3 boys myself. 🙂 I will always, always, always think of Ro whenever I see a Fedora, or purple stars, or rockstar signs… you get the drift. He has touched so many of us. Your whole family has. Take care of yourself and keep writing. My boys are also going to be donating some supplies to Ryan House in honor of Ro. In the mean time, I am gearing up for my next stage in my own cancer fight (brain), and often think of Ro – and think about how strong and feisty you and Ro were throughout the treatments. It’s about strength and awareness. Good thing I am a loud mouth. LOL xoxo Jen S.

  9. Laura

    Thats so awesome. So glad he crashed her reading for you. You are amazing. Mrsparklyeyes is right. YOU ARE SO POWERFUL. your words, your honesty, your love, your pain. The difference is going to be huge. I hope you consider publishing this blog someday as part of your journey to raising awareness. I am more aware of the bastard cancer thats stealing our beautiful, innocent, magnificent children, (though i have a friend who’s child is fighting it also), i am more aware through your blog than in any other way, WE all feel the pain through you, and that makes it more tangible. I am also more aware of the importance of every minute and every day and every hug and every kiss, every I love you from my children. You have changed lives. u will make such a big difference for all of our children for generations to come. I am so sorry Ronan died. I will continue to pray that you have sign after sign that he is still by your side!! xxxxooooo

  10. Amber

    What a wonderful person Denise is and the other owners of Fore Axel and Hudson. I’m so excited for you and that journey. Ronan is such a special little man. He has touched so many lives, including mine, and he will change the world through you maya!!

  11. Stephanie

    I read your posts everyday and I wanted you to know that the song “come sail away” by styxs has been come on the radio the last two days while reading your post. It is playing right now as I type this.The words to this song bring you to mind when I hear it.

    The other night I was giving my two year old a bath and she was being a normal two year old but for some reason that night I was feeling less patient than usual. I immediatley thought of you and how you would give anything to have Ronan back to give him a bath and for him to be naughty so to speak. I instantly embraced my daughter’s “spunkiness” and found the patience I needed.

    Not sure if any of this will help you, but I just wanted to share with you. Thank you for sharing Ronan with us

  12. Nikki

    Perfect! I loved every word! Your words to Ronan towards the end of this post were amazing and to me, it’s the first time you sounded like you were certain of where they were going. Thank you to your friend for telling you of her great experience. I know he hears your heart Maya. We think of you everyday and pray for you everynight.

  13. Shlomit Robbins Gruber

    Maya,

    I’m so happy that Ronan visited Diane and let her know that he is happy, carefree and still very much connected to your soul through your writing and in everything else you do. I, too, am a total believer — did you ever watch (or hear of) John Edwards? If not, you should check him out. He was in Phoenix a while back and I thought about going but did not…I would do it in a heartbeat now. Amazing medium.
    I love that you have confirmation now that Ro is surrounding you and hearing you. The connection between your two souls is the strongest bond that exists in the world – physical death is not going to break that. Nothing will.
    I continue to and always fill follow your blog, as you amaze and inspire me daily. You often mention people in your life who are the truest of true and the kindest, most real individuals — ultimately, you and Ronan are the absolute TRUEST OF TRUE. And you are both bringing out the best in so many people…making a difference in this world in a huge way, with so much more to come. I am so honored and proud to be a part of this journey with you both. I am excited for all the work to come in the days ahead to raise awareness, fund research and honor Ronan and every other child affected by cancer.

    With love and gratitude,
    Shlomit

  14. Kristal

    I love the signs that you saw — that is awesome! To the Moon almost stole my breath away when I read it. That couldn’t be any plainer if you tried!
    When you are ready, Steffany Barton of Angel’s Insight is a wonderful medium to check out. She is in Kansas City. I’ve met her in person, had readings with her both in person and over the phone, and listened to her speak publicly a few times. She primarily does readings over the phone, so this might be a great way for you to speak to someone that is genuine, kind, and good. Her website is http://www.angelsinsight.com. I know you don’t know me either, but I still wanted to share her name with you just in case you needed someone. 🙂

  15. Glenda

    Maya, I’m so happy for you and the clothing line in honor of Ronan! That’s amazing! I love your realness and rawness. Ronan is always with you! To the moon and back! Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro! XO

  16. Jan Todd

    Maya-
    I remain in awe of your courage to write exactly what you feel, and the bravery of letting everyone see and understand your pain. Losing a child is the worst pain there can be, and you are not afraid to allow us to see it and to continue on your journey with you. I thank you. I’m glad today was a good one, and I hope each day is better and better, as you come to realize that Ronan is always with you.

    I cannot agree more with the words on the photo at the end of your post about making up reasons for what has happened. If it was true there was actually a reason that we have to lose our children, it would be an awfully cruel world indeed. Instead, people try to rationalize, and it’s useless. Life is random, life is chaos, there is no reason! But what we choose to do with what happens is what sets us apart, and you are a perfect example of what we should choose.

    Thank you for including us. Ronan will always be in so many hearts, and your mission is already on its way!

    Sending love and hugs,
    Jan Todd, Victoria, BC, Canada

  17. kristie

    Hi, I just read your blog, I do every morning and have a name n number for you!
    A very close friend of mine just recently contacted this medium and was very accurate. Her name is Melissa Puch de Fripp psychic http://www.melissapuchdefripp.com (323) 422-7426. She does readings in LA, NY, n London. She can do a phone reading or u can make an apt with her when she is in Cali. From what I have heard about her, she’s really amazing! Funny you wrote about this… I was thinking about passing on her info to you a few weeks ago but not sure how you would feel about it! Take your time and when your ready I bet it will be worth the wait!
    Kristie Korges

  18. Jaime Harris

    you are continually in my thoughts and prayers! I pray you and Ronan will be reunited in Heaven someday 🙂 You’re story has touched so many lives! Keep doing what you need to do to heal. Sending love and prayers and best wishes….

  19. Alyssa Crews

    You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
    And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you
    But the reason why I’m broken, the reason why I cry
    Is how long must I wait to be with you

    I close my eyes and I see your face
    If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
    Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
    I’ve never been more homesick than now

    Help me Lord cause I don’t understand your ways
    The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know
    But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
    Cause I’m still here so far away from home

    I close my eyes and I see your face
    If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
    Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
    I’ve never been more homesick than now

    In Christ, there are no goodbyes
    And in Christ, there is no end
    So I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
    To see you again
    To see you again

    And I close my eyes and I see your face
    If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
    Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
    Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
    Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow

    I’ve never been more homesick than now

    Homesick by Mercy Me
    I heard this song on the way home tonight. It made me think of you. Then when I read your post it really fit. It is nice to hear what Jack’s mom said. Believing…
    Alyssa
    COLE Prayer Team
    http://www.stjude.org

  20. charlotte

    I have been reading your blog for awhile now but this is my first time to comment. I hope you know that just because comments may have dwindled in number, we are all still here reading your words!
    I,too, truly hope you will one day think to publish this blog . Your words of honesty and truth will help so many others!! You speak what so many feel and in so many cases, they feel guilty for the anger that they experience. You speak from your heart and it is so very inspiring! In time, you may feel able to publish this but for now, know that I as well as others are HONORED to read your thoughts each day.
    Your post today made me smile! He is showing himself to you and others!! What an amazing little angel! And you all are an amazing family!
    My prayers are with you daily! Thanks for making me a better mom to my babies!
    Love from Texas

  21. Liz

    Sign me up!! I’d love to buy Ronan inspired clothes for my dudes!! I love all doors of awareness that are flying open about nb and children’s cancer. Way to go thompsons!!

  22. Angela

    Your posting gave me chills. It literally have me goose bumps. That’s such an amazing story. I’m so glad Ronan came through the reading to give you a little peace. I look forward to your postings each day. You’re an amazing woman and I could not imagine the pain your family is experiencing at this time. I hope the coming days and months will be easier for you and you are able to experience the true joys of your beautiful family that you have while incorporating your amazing angel Ronan along the way. Chin up girl. Remember your angels last words to you <3.

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