I will never love you. You will never be my friend. You have taken my beautiful life and ripped it into shreds. I have watched you hurt my child over and over again. You have taken his beautiful, strong body and tried to weaken it. His bright blue eyes and tried to dim them. His fierce spirit and tried to kill it. I have watched the tears he has cried, the pain he has felt, and the sadness you have brought. I have watched the way you have stolen our time together as a family, how you have tried to break us, how you have tried to rip us apart.
Do you see me? Do you see the pain in my eyes, the thousands of tears I have cried, the fear on my face? Do you know what it is like to have your worst nightmare come true and to have no control over the outcome? What it’s like to watch the people around you be scared and feel your pain too? To watch them either choose to stay in your life or run the other way? The lessons you are teaching me are insightful indeed, but I would have rather learned them by being educated about childhood cancer — not because you decided to put my baby through this.
Now I sit and wait and fight. I have no choice but to take the lessons along the way with dignity and grace. To find beauty in the ugliest days. You want to break me, but you won’t. You want to take my child, but you can’t. I will stop at nothing to destroy you and all you have done to our family. I will cry my tears in the shower. You may knock me down, but I will get back up. The love I have for my son will get him through this — that I can guarantee. Someday I will show you who’s boss. Someday people will start paying attention and cures will be found. Until that day, I swear to you that I will stop at nothing to get rid of you forever.
I almost feel sad for you, because you must not know what it is like to have a mother’s love — a love so deep and pure that it can conquer anything. A mother’s love will carry you through the toughest storms and keep you warm the entire time. A bond so strong it can survive the roughest waters. Each time I kiss the top of my baby’s bald head, I think of you and what you have done. Don’t you know that this child is half of me? Our bond is so unbreakable that it is as if we are one. So when you chose him, you chose me as well. And I will stop at nothing to protect him and get him well.
So cancer… I think it’s time for you to go. You are not welcome here, and I hope you are prepared to lose this fight. We are much too strong of a team for you to destroy. You made your mess, and we will clean it up. When all is said and done and you are gone forever, we will go back to living our lives the way they were before — except this time, nothing will be taken for granted. The simplest things will be the most beautiful. We will live every day knowing how lucky we are to have the three most important things: love, health, and gratitude. Life will once again be carefree and joyful. And although our wounds are deep, they will heal over time. We will get our life back as a family — before you came here like a tornado and turned our world upside down.
Each day that passes is a day closer to getting rid of you forever. You have burdened our lives, only to reveal more beauty than we ever knew existed. I really wish I could say thank you for that, but I cannot.
So instead, I will say this:
Fuck you.
SO FUCK YOU, CANCER.
Have a really beautiful night. No sweet dreams to you.
Sincerely not your biggest fan,
Maya M. Thompson
Rockstar Ronan’s Mom
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