Dear Cancer,

I will never love you. You will never be my friend. You have taken my beautiful life and ripped it into shreds. I have watched you hurt my child over and over again. You have taken his beautiful strong body and tried to weaken it, his bright blue eyes and tried to dim them, his fierce spirit and tried to kill it. I have watched the tears he has cried, the pain he has felt, and the sadness you have brought. I have watched the way you have taken away our time together as a family, how you have tried to break us, how you have tried to rip us apart.

Do you see me? Do you see the pain in my eyes, the thousands of tears I have cried, the fear on my face? Do you know what it is like to have your worst nightmare come true and to not have any control over the outcome? What it’s like to watch the people around you be scared and feel your pain too? To watch them as they either choose to stay in your life or run the other way? The lessons you are teaching me are insightful indeed, but I would rather have learned them by being educated on Childhood Cancer. Not because you were going to put my baby through this.

Now, I sit and wait and fight. I have no choice but to take the lessons along the way with dignity and grace. To find the beauty in the ugliest days. You want to break me, but you won’t. You want to take my child, but you can’t. I will stop at nothing to destroy you and all you have done to our family. I will cry my tears in the shower and you may knock me down, but I will get back up.  The love I have for my son will get him through this; that I can guarantee. Someday, I will show you whose boss. Someday people will start paying attention and cures will be found. Until that day, I swear to you that I will stop at nothing to get rid of you forever.

I feel sad for you because you must not know what it is like to have a mother’s love. A love so deep and pure, that it can conquer anything. A mother’s love will get you through the toughest storms and keep you warm the entire time. A bond so strong, that it can survive the toughest waters. Each time I kiss the top of my baby’s bald head, I think of you and what you have done. Don’t you know that this child is half of me? Our bond is so unbreakable that it is if we are one. So, when you decided to pick him, you picked me as well. And I will stop at nothing to protect him and get him well.

So Cancer… I think it’s time for you to go. You are not welcome here and I hope you are prepared to lose this fight. We are much too strong of a team for you to destroy. You have made your mess and we will happily clean it up. When all is said and done, and you are gone forever we will go back to living our life the way it was before. Except this time, nothing will be taken for granted and the simplest things will now be the most beautiful. We will live everyday knowing how lucky we are to have the most 3 most important things: Love, Health, and Thankfulness. Life will once again be carefree and joyful. And although our wounds are deep; they will heal over time. We will get our life back as a family, before you came here like a Tornado and turned our lives upside down. Each day that passes by, is a day closer to getting rid of you forever. You have burdened our lives only to bring us more beauty than we ever knew existed. I really wish I could say thank you for all of this but I cannot. I am going to say a big Fuck you to you instead. SO FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!!!!!!!! Have a really beautiful night. And no sweet dreams to you.

Sincerely not your biggest fan,

Maya M. Thompson

Rockstar Ronan’s Mom

There’s no place like home

The morning started off early and Stacy offered to bring me coffee; which I really needed. She then ever so sweetly offered to stay with Ro so I could run home and shower. So thankful for her because just being able to go home and shower makes such a difference in my day. Ronan was so great with her and he is now getting used to my friends who are coming in and out to help me. His ANC counts have come up to 56…. slowly they are jumping up. Hoping for better counts tomorrow. He has been a little grumpy today but I finally got him out of his room and into the playroom for about a half an hour. That seemed to help his spirits even though he was insisting that he wanted to go back to his room. I told him that we were getting out of that stinky room for awhile and going to do something fun. We ended up painting and picking out some Mickey Mouse movies to bring back to his room. We have been playing on one of my friends’ iPad as it has a ton of games on it that we’ve never played before. She dropped it off at my house this a.m. and it has been keeping us busy for a couple of hours now. Thanks, darling:) Ronan and I also disinfected his entire side of his room tonight. My skin was crawling thinking about the germs everywhere… we tided up his entire room and wiped down everything from his Star Wars guys to the freaking floor. GROSS. Do not get me started on the cleanliness of hospitals. It freaks me out. I have taken it upon myself to wipe everything down, everyday. Makes me feel better in a way. Weird and silly but it’s a feeling of control that I need right now.

Liam and Quinn’s 1st grade teacher called me yesterday and offered to sit with Ronan tonight so I could run home and see Woody, Liam and Quinn. BEST TEACHER EVER:) Thank you, Cindy<3 She is on her way now and I cannot wait to get home to my big boys for a couple of hours. I may stay the night at home tonight and let Woody stay at the hospital. It would be so nice to spend a little time with Liam and Quinny Q.

Home sweet home now. Got to see Woody and catch up on some things. It was beyond nice to spend an hour with him before he went to PCH to spend the night with Ronan. It feels so good to be home and so good to be with Liam and Quinn. I miss them so much. We spent the night playing “Little Big Planet,” and they both helped me with chores around the house. They are the sweetest boys’ in the world. I can’t believe how tall they have gotten! I swear they have grown a few inches since I’ve seen them last! Quinn has sprouted up and is a couple inches taller than Liam now. Woody said tonight he bets Quinn is going to be 6’8 or 6’9. My 7 year olds are going to be taller than me soon. So scary! The boys’ had 2 basketball games today and sign ups for baseball. We are trying to keep them as active as possible and everything as normal as possible for them still. From what Woody said, they both did amazing at their games today. They were both very excited to tell me about them. I loved hearing the excitement in their voices; my little superstars. Team Thompson rules;) I am so proud of them.

Time to try to get some shut eye now, I’ve got to be back to PCH early so Woody can go into the office for a few hours and get caught up on some work. Hope you all are having a beautiful weekend. Sweet dreams<3

xoxo

Do you know if this hotel is pager friendly?? I’m not getting a sig’ on my beeper.

It’s days like today that make me really angry at cancer. I pretty much sat and held Ronan the entire day. We snuggled in bed and on the couch and watched movies. He won’t let me leave his side; not that I would want to. We watched “The Fantastic Mr. Fox,” and the ever so appropriate, ” The Hangover.” (hence the title of my post tonight) I seriously think that is one of the funniest movies ever and I don’t think I could ever get tired of it. Ronan laughed a lot during the movie in spite of his pain. I’m not censoring much these days from him, especially if it makes him laugh. He is feeling awful and has been fighting a low grade fever most of the day. I’m pretty sure he’s developing Mucositis, just like he did with Round 4 of his chemo. He’s telling me his throat hurts, he’s not talking much, he doesn’t want to eat. He’s in pain and just wants to be held. I’m pretty sure we will end up at the hospital if I can’t get his fever to go away. I am positive his ANC counts are at 0. That means no immune system at all. Poor baby. I would give anything to take his pain away.

Our Saturday should have been spent at the twins’ basketball game and at our dear friends son’s 2nd Birthday party. I was so sad to miss both of those things today but I am glad Woody was able to go and take the boys. As my Niki said tonight… next year we will all be together to celebrate her little one turning 3. Thanks my friend, for checking on me the entire day even though you were in the middle of your son’s birthday. You are so amazing to me. Woody and the boys’ had a blast and came home so tired. They are now all snuggled up in bed while I sit here and will stay up as long as I can to watch Ro and his fever. I spoke to the on call doctor tonight and she said as long as his temp does not go above 100.4; we don’t have to come in. Hoping we make it through the night.

I still hate the nights. The nights where if and when I fall asleep, my dreams are filled with such vivid nightmares that I toss and turn all night long. The nights where I no longer get to sleep with my husband because Ronan refuses to share our bed with anyone but me. My poor Woo… what kind of a man would allow a child to kick him out of his own bed? Only the kind of man who has a heart of gold and who would give up anything and everything for his son. I feel awful. I miss Woody and our precious time we used to have together staying up late and laughing at silly things that we would talk about at night or watch on T.V. while the boys’ slept. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me in so many ways. I’m tired and we still have such a long road ahead. Will this nightmare ever end???? Will I ever get my normal life back??? Everything is forever changed; and it better be with a very sweet outcome. All of our blood, sweat, and tears will save our baby. I swear to god on my life. Fucking cancer.

That is all for tonight. Going to try to unwind while watching my sweet lil’ man sleep. G’nite, sweet dreams my loves.

xoxo

Do you know if this hotel is pager friendly?? I’m not getting a sig’ on my beeper.

It’s days like today that make me really angry at cancer. I pretty much sat and held Ronan the entire day. We snuggled in bed and on the couch and watched movies. He won’t let me leave his side; not that I would want to. We watched “The Fantastic Mr. Fox,” and the ever so appropriate, ” The Hangover.” (hence the title of my post tonight) I seriously think that is one of the funniest movies ever and I don’t think I could ever get tired of it. Ronan laughed a lot during the movie in spite of his pain. I’m not censoring much these days from him, especially if it makes him laugh. He is feeling awful and has been fighting a low grade fever most of the day. I’m pretty sure he’s developing Mucositis, just like he did with Round 4 of his chemo. He’s telling me his throat hurts, he’s not talking much, he doesn’t want to eat. He’s in pain and just wants to be held. I’m pretty sure we will end up at the hospital if I can’t get his fever to go away. I am positive his ANC counts are at 0. That means no immune system at all. Poor baby. I would give anything to take his pain away.

Our Saturday should have been spent at the twins’ basketball game and at our dear friends son’s 2nd Birthday party. I was so sad to miss both of those things today but I am glad Woody was able to go and take the boys. As my Niki said tonight… next year we will all be together to celebrate her little one turning 3. Thanks my friend, for checking on me the entire day even though you were in the middle of your son’s birthday. You are so amazing to me. Woody and the boys’ had a blast and came home so tired. They are now all snuggled up in bed while I sit here and will stay up as long as I can to watch Ro and his fever. I spoke to the on call doctor tonight and she said as long as his temp does not go above 100.4; we don’t have to come in. Hoping we make it through the night.

I still hate the nights. The nights where if and when I fall asleep, my dreams are filled with such vivid nightmares that I toss and turn all night long. The nights where I no longer get to sleep with my husband because Ronan refuses to share our bed with anyone but me. My poor Woo… what kind of a man would allow a child to kick him out of his own bed? Only the kind of man who has a heart of gold and who would give up anything and everything for his son. I feel awful. I miss Woody and our precious time we used to have together staying up late and laughing at silly things that we would talk about at night or watch on T.V. while the boys’ slept. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me in so many ways. I’m tired and we still have such a long road ahead. Will this nightmare ever end???? Will I ever get my normal life back??? Everything is forever changed; and it better be with a very sweet outcome. All of our blood, sweat, and tears will save our baby. I swear to god on my life. Fucking cancer.

That is all for tonight. Going to try to unwind while watching my sweet lil’ man sleep. G’nite, sweet dreams my loves.

xoxo

Strong enough

Ronan had a great day. We went into the clinic to have his blood levels checked to make sure they are high enough to start the harvest of the stem cells tomorrow. They are through the roof so we got the green light! I am so happy we are staying on track with things and Ronan is such a little Rockstar that he is busting right though all this cancer crap. While we were at the clinic, I quietly asked our nurse Sharon a question that has been on my mind all weekend…. eating away at me. I asked her if it was common to never see your doctor. O.K…. not never, I’ve met the man one time to be exact. This is just not sitting well with me. I can always count on Sharon to be honest with me and I got my answer. From that point on, I knew what I had to do but I wanted to make sure Woody was on board with me. I stepped out into the hall and made a quick phone call to him. I then walked back into the room and told Sharon and Marsha, our social worker, that we would like to request a change of doctors. In the blink of an eye, they made it happen. Ronan’s primary doctor, who will be taking over his case is Dr. Eshun. I’ve seen Dr. Eshun a dozen times… he is always checking in on us to say hello or to quickly look over Ronan. To me, that means the world. As a mother, I know I have to be my son’s biggest advocate and I have to feel like he isn’t just another number. He is a child, my child… not some science project. I am feeling pretty out of control about everything to do with Ronan’s situation. This gave me a feeling of control back and tonight, I am feeling much better about things. I need to know that we are in the right hands at PCH. If we are going to stay here, we have to be happy with how everything is going. Otherwise, they are going to hear about it. We are not the type of family to sit back quietly and not express the way we are feeling.

We have a very early and long day tomorrow. We have to be down at PCH by 7:30 and will be there until around 4:00 in the evening. I am hoping to get some sleep tonight without the terrible nightmares. Everyone is already asleep in our house… guess I will try to get some shut eye too. Tonight, Woody and I had some time alone. We cuddled on the couch together and watched Bill Maher. It was nice to just be with him. I am going to leave you with one of my favorite song lyrics tonight. Anyone who knows us knows that we are family that is crazy about music. I heard one of my favorite songs on the radio today… it’s by Sheryl Crow. It reminded me how lucky I am to be married to Woody.

“When I’ve shown you that I just don’t care.
When I’m throwing punches in the air.
When I’m broken down and I can’t stand.
Will you be man enough to be my man?”
– Sheryl Crow, Strong Enough

Woody is so strong. I promise I will stay strong too… for the sake of my amazing husband. I won’t let him down.