You do not want to be in my head tonight. It is not a fun place to be. It’s filled with anger, guilt, and sadness. Tonight, I am tired. Just plain tired of all of this cancer bullshit. It has taken over my entire life and I feel so selfish for thinking this but I caught myself screaming in my head tonight that I need a break. I want to check myself into a hotel, go to the spa, watch a movie, and be by myself with nobody around to talk to or take care of. Everyday, I am taking care of my sick baby without thinking twice about it. It is just routine, what I have to do, which I am so lucky to do. Today was the first day since all of this happened that I finally felt like checking out. Now, the guilt comes washing over me as I think to myself, what an awful mom you are… you are so lucky he is here and you are able to be the one to take care of him. All he wanted tonight was something to eat before bed, even though he had just eaten an hour prior. I was am so tired and could not even muster up the energy to get up to fix him something. Quinn was in bed with me trying to read me his book and I was so trying to pay attention to tell him how well he was doing, and there was Ro, standing at the end of my bed, screaming for my attention. I raised my voice at him which I never do anymore, and he started to cry. That in turn made me cry, then Quinn started to cry. So dysfunctional, so unfair, so totally FUCKED. It was then that I caught myself thinking, please just let me disappear, please I don’t want to do this anymore, please just everyone leave me alone. Woody then swooped in and took care of the situation. He got Ronan something to eat, took Quinn to bed and played him guitar, and then came and drew me a bath and gave me a massage while we waited for the water to fill. I calmed down and now I sit drinking the margarita I made him pour me. Um yeah. You know it’s bad when it’s 9:30 at night and I need a cocktail. Not a big cocktail girl around here, but tonight bubbles and a margarita seem to be the answer. I need sleep but as always, my mind refuses to be still. So now what? This is not going away anytime soon so I will pick myself back up and start a new day tomorrow. I feel like the worst wife and mom in the world right now because I just want to lock myself in a dark closet and never come out. Not really… but I am so tired of everything and we are not even to the hard part yet. Plus, how do I even have a right to be tired after all that Ronan is going through. I need someone to slap me hard now and tell me to knock this pity party off. I don’t have a right to be tired because look at him; the little boy sleeping next to me. I am so lucky he is here and he is not tired as he is not giving up this fight. Just looking at him reminds me that I don’t have a choice; I have to be strong. But I still can be sad for all he is going through. I don’t even have the words tonight to tell you how sad I am for this baby of mine. This reality of ours is an absolute nightmare, but you know what?? Ronan still has a smile on his face and laughter in his heart. How’s that for bittersweet??
Today, oh what a day! We went to the clinic for Ronan’s “Psychological Evaluation.” I explained to him before we got there what exactly we were doing and I told him if he would just corporate, we would be able to get out of there must faster to go home. He told me he would and I somewhat believed him; but not really. I know my little guy. Once we got settled in Dr. Jan’s office, I sat in a chair next to Ronan to fill out some paperwork and Ronan sat across Dr. Jan in his little chair. She started off by pulling out her big book full of pictures and questions. Things like, “Here is a picture of 4 apple trees; which one has the most apples?” Ronan would look at the book and point to the answer he thought was right. He was doing fine, up until about 15 minutes into the test. She asked him a question and he wasn’t 100% sure of the answer and he had a complete meltdown. I’m talking a meltdown so bad that he was crying, sweating, and refused to talk anymore. I sat him on my lap and tried to talk him through everything while comforting him. I explained how if he didn’t know the answer, he could just guess; the important thing was that he was trying. He refused, said everything was taking too long, and he wasn’t going to talk anymore. This went on for a good 25 minutes. I told him this test was something we HAD to do and if he didn’t finish, we would have to come back next week. He didn’t want to do that, so he started answering the questions again. He ended up having another meltdown and at this point Dr. Jan looked at me and said, “What do you want to d0? We have another hour left?” I told her we would just push though this and get it done. I knew Ronan was capable of doing this, he was just manipulating the situation because he did not want to be there. Who can blame him? I told Ronan that I was going to leave the room if he didn’t start coorporating. It was like a switch flipped and *BAM*! The next thing I knew he was pointing to all the right answers and answering the questions. So, the first hour of the test was exhausting to say the least. The next half an hour was a breeze due to Ronan finally giving in and just getting it done. Dr. Jan was blown away by how much Ronan knew and how smart our little guy is. I already knew this… he is way too smart for his own good. I won’t get the “official” report until next week, whatever that means. I already know everything I need to know… Ronan’s IQ is off the charts. Blame it on his Daddy;) Dr. Jan said we have a little perfectionist on our hands and I may want to watch that. No clue where he gets that from;)
Tomorrow my friend, Jaye, is putting on a luncheon to benefit Ronan’s Foundation. I cannot be there and am so sad, but to be honest, I don’t think it’s something I could handle at this point in my life. My anxiety issues are still very intense and I think it would have been too much. I have testing at PCH with Ronan all day but I will be thinking of Jaye and her friends who worked so hard to put on this beautiful event for us. Thank you, Jaye. I am so excited how fast all of the seats sold out and I want to say a big thank you to everyone attending. I promise, once Ronan is remission that I will be much better with things like this. Right now, all I can seem to focus on is getting though the days and taking care of Ronan. I am so appreciative to you and all of your amazing friends who have worked so hard on this for us. It is going to be an amazing event!
I think I have written enough for tonight, even thought I could blab on forever. I am going to leave you tonight with a question though. What is the one thing you are scared of in life?? I feel as if going through this, I have no fears and I could do anything. Just call me Maya “Danger” Thompson. I don’t know if this is such a good thing, but it is how I feel. Before all of this, I was scared of so many things and I have realized this kept me from doing a lot in my life. What a waste. Life is too short to not take chances and live everyday to the fullest. Ronan is fighting for his life right now, every second of the day. What would you do differently if this were your situation? Try to take your fear and overcome it. It will free your soul ❤
G’nite peeps. Lovely dreams of all things sweet.
9 thoughts on “I’m throwing in the towel and taking a bubble bath with a Margarita. Enough is enough today.”
If anyone has a right to feel all the ways you described, it’s you. You cannot possibly get through everything you’re going through without feeling like you want to be left alone. And wanting time to yourself, a movie, a spa day, whatever, i think is also just wanting a piece of normal back. You are handling everything with such strength and grace. Hope you get some sleep. xo michelle
“Every day is a new day”
Odd as this might sound, but it was probably a very NORMAL thing for you to do by getting short with Ronan…so don’t beat yourself up for it. If this crazy world with cancer hadn’t happened to the little guy and he was demanding something…you would have been short with him. Heck…every mom on earth would have been short or abrupt with her child in that situation. It just happens.
…and to have a very tiny piece of “normal” in your life is ok.
You know you love your child…he knows you love him, your family loves each other. It’s ok.
Your hubby was able to react differently only because he was in a different place during that second and could see a situation in a different light. Sometimes a dad can be superdads. And other times, moms can be supermoms.
Woody was nice to deal with the kids and then help you with pampering you also. That’s one in a million guy you have there….and I can bet money that he thinks you are a one in a million wife and mom.
I guess all I really know is that kids will manipulate a situation…mine sure did…and that’s ok…it’s their job. Sick or not…they will do that.
You and your family are amazing and you will plow through this. Your friends will sustain you and all will lift you high.
Please know that good thoughts, best wishes and all types of prayers are raised for you.
It is obvious to all of us that you are an incredible mother, as well as an exceptional person. Give yourself a break, and don’t add guilt to the many burdens that you bear.
I actually enjoy it a little bit when Kimi gets on my nerves a little bit. I promised her we would look at puppies today after her clinic appointment. Of course, the appointment took forever, as it always does, and she kept asking and asking and asking (and asking) when we were going to go look at the puppies.
We finally made it to the car, and I needed just a moment to clear my mind and try to remember where in the mall the puppy store was and where to park and think about what else we had to do that day, and I begged her, “Please, Kimi, just give me ONE MINUTE of quiet so that I can think!”
She paused for a moment, and then her little voice came from the back of the car, “Mommy, is it very hard to have a child?”
I almost lost it (how many times a day do we almost lose it?!?!?) but managed to tell her in a very calm voice, “Kimi, sometimes it IS hard to have a child, but I can assure you that for the most part, it is very, very easy to have YOU as a child.”
How brave our children are as they deal with this horrible disease. Just think that something in you helped to make them so strong. OK, we’ll give Woody a little credit too.
You are doing great. Ronan is going to make it through this, and he (and you) will come out the other side even stronger for it.
you are allowed to feel whatever you need to feel. i know when my son was in treatment i felt just about every single feeling on the spectrum. from awe at god’s grace and the love of our friends and family, to anger at god for letting it all happen. then back to love, then some guilt at how i wasn’t paying enough attention to our other son….
you are perfect just as you are.
I dont know your religious beliefs, but, what gets me through some really tough situations, I imagine myself climbing into our Lords lap, with his arms around me, as you do with your children. Close your eyes, feel his compassion, feel the comfort and just talk to him, or just be quiet, he doesnt care if you dont want to talk, all he wants is you to want him near and to know you are not alone in this journey your family didnt ask to take. If you feel like being angry, let him know, God doesnt care if we have pity parties, as long as we include him!! I am praying for not only Ronan, but for you and your family as well. And, your family is beautiful.
You sound like a perfect mom to me…
For what it’s worth, I think you are an amazing, dedicated, unbelievable mom who probably has good days and bad days just like Ronan does. I will be praying extra hard for you & that beautiful boy of yours. I don’t know how you do it everyday without being short or cross with absolutely everyone who comes in your path. Ronan is as lucky to have you as you are to have him, I’m sure. Good thoughts & prayers being sent your way.—Becky