I’m throwing in the towel and taking a bubble bath with a Margarita. Enough is enough today.

You do not want to be in my head tonight. It is not a fun place to be. It’s filled with anger, guilt, and sadness. Tonight, I am tired. Just plain tired of all of this cancer bullshit. It has taken over my entire life and I feel so selfish for thinking this but I caught myself screaming in my head tonight that I need a break. I want to check myself into a hotel, go to the spa, watch a movie, and be by myself with nobody around to talk to or take care of. Everyday, I am taking care of my sick baby without thinking twice about it. It is just routine, what I have to do, which I am so lucky to do. Today was the first day since all of this happened that I finally felt like checking out. Now, the guilt comes washing over me as I think to myself, what an awful mom you are… you are so lucky he is here and you are able to be the one to take care of him. All he wanted tonight was something to eat before bed, even though he had just eaten an hour prior. I was am so tired and could not even muster up the energy to get up to fix him something. Quinn was in bed with me trying to read me his book and I was so trying to pay attention to tell him how well he was doing, and there was Ro, standing at the end of my bed, screaming for my attention. I raised my voice at him which I never do anymore, and he started to cry. That in turn made me cry, then Quinn started to cry. So dysfunctional, so unfair, so totally FUCKED. It was then that I caught myself thinking, please just let me disappear, please I don’t want to do this anymore, please just everyone leave me alone. Woody then swooped in and took care of the situation. He got Ronan something to eat, took Quinn to bed and played him guitar, and then came and drew me a bath and gave me a massage while we waited for the water to fill. I calmed down and now I sit drinking the margarita I made him pour me. Um yeah. You know it’s bad when it’s 9:30 at night and I need a cocktail. Not a big cocktail girl around here, but tonight bubbles and a margarita seem to be the answer. I need sleep but as always, my mind refuses to be still. So now what? This is not going away anytime soon so I will pick myself back up and start a new day tomorrow. I feel like the worst wife and mom in the world right now because I just want to lock myself in a dark closet and never come out. Not really… but I am so tired of everything and we are not even to the hard part yet. Plus, how do I even have a right to be tired after all that Ronan is going through. I need someone to slap me hard now and tell me to knock this pity party off. I don’t have a right to be tired because look at him; the little boy sleeping next to me. I am so lucky he is here and he is not tired as he is not giving up this fight. Just looking at him reminds me that I don’t have a choice; I have to be strong. But I still can be sad for all he is going through. I don’t even have the words tonight to tell you how sad I am for this baby of mine. This reality of ours is an absolute nightmare, but you know what?? Ronan still has a smile on his face and laughter in his heart. How’s that for bittersweet??

Today, oh what a day! We went to the clinic for Ronan’s “Psychological Evaluation.” I explained to him before we got there what exactly we were doing and I told him if he would just corporate, we would be able to get out of there must faster to go home. He told me he would and I somewhat believed him; but not really. I know my little guy. Once we got settled in Dr. Jan’s office, I sat in a chair next to Ronan to fill out some paperwork and Ronan sat across Dr. Jan in his little chair. She started off by pulling out her big book full of pictures and questions. Things like, “Here is a picture of 4 apple trees; which one has the most apples?” Ronan would look at the book and point to the answer he thought was right. He was doing fine, up until about 15 minutes into the test. She asked him a question and he wasn’t 100% sure of the answer and he had a complete meltdown. I’m talking a meltdown so bad that he was crying, sweating, and refused to talk anymore. I sat him on my lap and tried to talk him through everything while comforting him. I explained how if he didn’t know the answer, he could just guess; the important thing was that he was trying. He refused, said everything was taking too long, and he wasn’t going to talk anymore. This went on for a good 25 minutes. I told him this test was something we HAD to do and if he didn’t finish, we would have to come back next week. He didn’t want to do that, so he started answering the questions again. He ended up having another meltdown and at this point Dr. Jan looked at me and said, “What do you want to d0? We have another hour left?” I told her we would just push though this and get it done. I knew Ronan was capable of doing this, he was just manipulating the situation because he did not want to be there. Who can blame him? I told Ronan that I was going to leave the room if he didn’t start coorporating. It was like a switch flipped and *BAM*! The next thing I knew he was pointing to all the right answers and answering the questions. So, the first hour of the test was exhausting to say the least. The next half an hour was a breeze due to Ronan finally giving in and just getting it done. Dr. Jan was blown away by how much Ronan knew ¬†and how smart our little guy is. I already knew this… he is way too smart for his own good. I won’t get the “official” report until next week, whatever that means. I already know everything I need to know… Ronan’s IQ is off the charts. Blame it on his Daddy;) Dr. Jan said we have a little perfectionist on our hands and I may want to watch that. No clue where he gets that from;)

Tomorrow my friend, Jaye, is putting on a luncheon to benefit Ronan’s Foundation. I cannot be there and am so sad, but to be honest, I don’t think it’s something I could handle at this point in my life. My anxiety issues are still very intense and I think it would have been too much. I have testing at PCH with Ronan all day but I will be thinking of Jaye and her friends who worked so hard to put on this beautiful event for us. Thank you, Jaye. I am so excited how fast all of the seats sold out and I want to say a big thank you to everyone attending. I promise, once Ronan is remission that I will be much better with things like this. Right now, all I can seem to focus on is getting though the days and taking care of Ronan. I am so appreciative to you and all of your amazing friends who have worked so hard on this for us. It is going to be an amazing event!

I think I have written enough for tonight, even thought I could blab on forever. I am going to leave you tonight with a question though. What is the one thing you are scared of in life?? I feel as if going through this, I have no fears and I could do anything. Just call me Maya “Danger” Thompson. I don’t know if this is such a good thing, but it is how I feel. Before all of this, I was scared of so many things and I have realized this kept me from doing a lot in my life. What a waste. Life is too short to not take chances and live everyday to the fullest. Ronan is fighting for his life right now, every second of the day. What would you do differently if this were your situation? Try to take your fear and overcome it. It will free your soul <3

G’nite peeps. Lovely dreams of all things sweet.

xoxo

A Margarita, Sangria, or George Clooney??

I talked to Dr. Wood this morning and Ronan’s ANC counts came up from 0 to 25. This still doesn’t mean we will be getting out of here anytime soon as they have to be up to 200 and rising for Dr. Eshun to discharge us. Dr. Wood said he expected us to be here until next week. Our little monkey is getting restless and tired of being here. How in the world am I going to entertain him until next week? We will just have to make due. My friend, Fernanda, came and sat with Ronan for 4 hours today so I could run home, shower, do some laundry, and run some errands. I got a chance to catch up on the phone with my Susie and Bethany. Both of those phone conversations were long overdue and it was so good to hear both of their voices and catch them up on things. I miss them both so much. Thank you, Fernanda, for taking such great care of Ronan for me. He LOVED having you here and is still talking about the things you two did. I am so lucky and blessed to have the amazing friends I do. I am thankful every second of the day for all of you. <3<3

I am really, really, really, excited for a few things that some amazing people are stepping up and doing for us. Not going to go into too many details but so many people have been coming out of the woodwork and wanting to help change PCH and the way things are done around here. They know who they are and they are just as passionate and excited as I am. All they needed was Ronan and his story to fuel the fire for making the world of Pediatric Cancer, a better place. I am so excited to be involved in this process with the vision and help of great friends. Ronan is changing the world already at the small age of 3… I can't wait to see what amazing things come of this. Thank you, my dear friends who shall remain nameless due to them being the kinds of people that don't want recognition, who just want to do amazing things when nobody is watching. I can't tell you how much I love this. There are not many people in the world who just do things without the whole world needing to know about it. I am going to have to come up with a nickname for this new friend of mine…. you know who you are<3 I will think of something after I get to know you a little bit better:) Maybe Mrs. Margarita due to your email tonight;) Love you, your passion, and your heart. Thank you, sweet girl.

The rest of today was spent playing with Ronan. We had a new nurse today that we haven’t ever had before. Imagine that! I thought we knew everyone on this floor. Her name is Holly and she was a delight. Ronan adores her and she was very sweet to us. We hope to have her again and also love the fact that she too is a former Sundevil:) The ASU baseball team came to visit the kids on the floor and I coaxed Ronan out of his room to go to the playroom to see them. I am so glad he agreed to go because he was able to meet some very special people and also get a couple of baseballs signed. Thanks Margaret for being extra sweet to Ronan. It was so nice to meet you today:) He was a little overwhelmed and a little shy but was very excited about the baseballs when we returned to his room.

I wasn’t going to ask to switch to a window room view while we were on the second floor….. because I thought we were going to be out of here by Saturday; but I did. If we are going to be here until next week; I will not survive without one. I feel like the biggest pain in the butt… as Dr. Maze said to me today, “What are we doing, playing musical rooms?” Made me laugh but that’s how it feels. What can I say, I’m a girl who knows how happy the little things make me and I’m not shy about asking for it. One of Ronan’s favorite things to do at night is to look out the window at the pretty neon lights that flash at the top of the new PCH hospital. He loves to say the colors out loud and we count the stars and say Goodnight to the moon.

Ronan is really missing his house and brothers tonight. He must have told me a dozen times how much he misses Liam and Quinn. It KILLS me to hear him say those words to me. I hate that he can’t be with them. He called tonight and talked to the boys’ for a while. I sat and while Quinn was on speaker phone and the boys’ went back and fourth telling each other how much they missed one another. It was heartbreaking and sweet all at the same time. After the phone call, Ronan and I spent the evening playing “lets throw the stuffed monkeys back and fourth to each other but not let them hit the ground due to the hot lava, game.” We played for a solid hour and he was laughing the entire time. We then went on a hut for our favorite nurse, Arica, and found her but she was in a room with a patient. She blew Ro kisses and came to visit us later tonight. Ronan was almost asleep but woke up as Arica was giving him kisses and loves, just so he could give her a smile and a giggle. I love that girl<3

Woody has been so busy this week that he hasn't been able to stop by the hospital to see us. Between his law firm and coaching the twins' two basketball leagues, he hasn't got a free second. Our catch ups have been consisting our our 3 minute phone conversations about 10 times a day. I HATE THIS. I miss my husband, my twins, my house, my old normal everyday life. I am tired of falling asleep listening to the screams and cries of our roommates and their parents. I'm tired of the lack of privacy and this sharing room bullshit. It's bad enough that my child has cancer, but it's even worse the lack of privacy that comes with it. I know, I know… the new hospital will have it's private rooms. That does me no good as of now. I'm burnt out, I'm discouraged by all the sadness that surrounds me everyday. Listening to the screams at night haunts me and is another huge reason to why I never sleep well. I know Transplant is going to be hard, but at least we get our own room. Trying so hard to find the positive in anything and everything I can.

That's all for tonight. I hear some Coconut Water and a movie calling my name. I could really use a Margarita and some freaking chips and salsa. What I wouldn’t give for that. I need to get lost in something tonight, otherwise I’m going to lose my freaking mind. Ahh… spoke too soon. My friend Stacy just texted me to ask if she could bring me anything. My reply was, 1) A margarita, 2) Some Sangria or 3) George Clooney. Can you guess what she is showing up with?!?! Either way, I win!! YAY FOR GOOD FRIENDS!!!! G’nite dear darlings. Sleep well.

xoxo

Kathryn~ Thank you for the Star Wars picture you sent for Ronan that Annie Leibovitz shot and signed for him. He is going to freak out over the picture; I am freaking out over the fact that such an amazing, talented soul, took the time to do such a sweet thing for Ronan! Made my day!! Tell her thank you as well:)