Magic Medicine…. Day 1, Round 6

I feel like I don’t have a lot to say tonight. Ronan hasn’t gotten out of bed, except to use the bathroom, since we got here on Sunday. He says his legs are hurting and does not want to walk around, go to the playroom, or anything. I tried all day to get him out of bed. I’m sure a lot of this is due to all of the pain he is in from his surgery and just feeling crummy that he is in the hospital. He has been playing with his Star Wars guys, on my iPad, watching Mickey Mouse, and we have been reading a lot of books. I did get him to giggle tonight which I really needed. I downloaded a book for him on my iPad that has Grover in it and he thought it was hilarious. He has been really sweet, but really quiet which is not my little guy. The chemo finally started this evening. It took a few hours to get him hydrated before so it was around 5:00 p.m. before it got started. He is sleeping now and I am praying that he continues to sleep without getting sick to his stomach.

Sarah came to the hospital for a few hours this morning so I could run home and shower and do a little bit of laundry. Ronan was happy to see her and didn’t even put up a fuss when I left. She is so good with him and he loves her. It was nice to get out of the hospital for a few hours just to be at home. Felt a little sad and empty though. I try not to remember my old life too much anymore because it hurts so much. I am mostly just numb to everything and going through the motions. It’s all I can do right now. I am trying to come up with a way to make this whole isolation thing easier on everybody. I worry about Liam and Quinn a lot. I am thinking I can set up Skype and do things like help with them with their homework, etc…. I miss doing normal things like that with them and I worry that they are going to suffer. They are at an age where they are going to remember this time in their life and I am trying to figure out how we can make this into something that makes them stronger little men. Woody took Liam and Quinn to the Suns basketball game tonight with their entire basketball team. They called me when it was over and they were on their way home. I heard Quinn tell Woody it was one of the best nights of his life. I am so glad they had such a good time, but hearing him say that felt like I had just been slapped in the face. Bittersweet. It was one of the best nights of his life, and I wasn’t there. Makes me sad. All the time.

My girlfriends keep telling me they are going to kidnap me soon to take me out for an unbirthday celebration. I love them all so much, but I honestly feel like burying myself in a hole and never coming out. Hospital depression maybe? Or maybe just sad because my baby has cancer. I know things with Ronan could not be going better, but I am the one who has to watch everyday as he suffers and goes through what he is going through. It is the hardest thing to see and watch; and all day long I push my fear and sadness away to be happy and strong for him. Nights get me, when he is asleep and I have nothing to do but sit with my thoughts and watch him sleep, praying that every little whimper he makes is not due to any pain he is feeling. I will have to watch him closely tonight. This round of chemo is nasty stuff. I’ve gotten so good at the “cancer lingo,” and knowing what exactly the side effects are. Words like, Vincristine, Doxorubicin, and Cyclophosphamide, roll off of my tongue with such ease as if I’ve known them entire life. They are now words that I will never forget, no matter how hard I try.

Alright, that is all for tonight. I am going to get out my own head before it’s too late and I can’t get my thoughts under control. G’nite, sweetest dreams to all of you.


9 responses to “Magic Medicine…. Day 1, Round 6”

  1. Maya, I send my prayer of comfort and peace in your heart and soul. This has to indeed be the hardest thing a parent can go through. I thank you for reminding me to love on my boys everyday and to enjoy the times we have together. Looking at them in their healthy bodies have been so much more important to me. I don’t think I took it for granted before, but I am even more thankful for my blessings. Monetary things I haven’t many, and you have reemphasized how unimportant it all is when you can have a healthy child. Your boy will be healthy again. God’s blessings on you all.

  2. Maya, I have been following your journey and praying for you and your family. We don’t know each other and I can’t even remember how I first found out about Ronan. (Maybe from our church’s prayer chain.) I went through a similar time in my life with a sick child….almost five months in PCH at birth and in and out for several years. I remember what it was like to feel like you feel….and because of that I can pray for you in a special way. So many of the things that you write about bring back my own memories. You are doing such a great job taking care of Ronan and your family. I will keep praying for you, that God to continue to give you the strength and courage you need and, of course, for complete healing for your precious baby boy. You are a brave Mama Bear.

  3. I can’t even begin to say how much Ronan’s story has touched me. I even have his picture as my background screen on my laptop. I just mentioned him in my company blog in hopes that we can have more awareness on childhood cancer. He is such a strong and adorable little guy. As you’ve heard a million times, I will keep you and your family in prayer and think of Ronan all the time. Stay Strong!!!!

  4. Maya-
    You and I do not know each other but I have been following your blog since I heard about your journey. I can only imagine what amazing little men you are raising with such a strong, powerful and loving mom like you. You are teaching your boys and everyone who reads your blog about grace under pressure and the true meaning of a mother’s love. I have no doubt that all 3 of your little boys feel this loud and clear. I guaranty that one day soon, Liam and Quinn will be bragging about there strong mom and brother who “kicked cancer’s ass”. Go get em!

  5. I love the saying at the end of your comments..remember Jesus is one of those who feel the tears.
    Thank God for the blessings that can keep Ronan occupied and entertained. I am sure his giggling is like a huge dose of pain killer for you.
    Lord we know You are watching and I am asking that Ronan does not become ill from the Jesus name.
    Thank You God for Sarah and remove as much of the worry as Maya is willing to give up..replace it with the faith of Jesus.
    Thank You God for Skype..that Maya may spend more time talking to her family..also reassure Maya that there will be plenty of “best nights” coming to share with her and her boys..all of them together.
    Thank You God for Maya’s best friends and the love they share. You know how to fill our needs and this is just one of the ways You show that.
    Thank You God for carrying Ronan’s family in Your Jesus name amen.

  6. We are praying and sending blessings of healing and love your way Ronan! And to your beautiful family and all those involved in your care. It may be a day or so between my posts here but please know our thoughts and energy are in constant delivery to you. Thank you again for inviting us all to share in your incredible journey. Your Fans, S & G

  7. I have no idea what is/isn’t allowed in isolation but so many people want to help you and your family I was thinking maybe you could make a wish list of things you & Ronan could do to pass the time and your Ronanites (followers) like me & my fam could send them to you guys. Just a thought. By the way not that this matters but I just love your boys names! So beautiful and strong just like their Mama!

    1. Shelli & Gibson Avatar
      Shelli & Gibson

      Oh I was just thinking that today! We are all too familiar with hospital rules but would love to bring by some things Ronan. We have some good ideas from your mom’s posts but if there is anything special, please let us know. Gibson is 7 and is very good about shopping for fun stuff! 🙂 Maya, if you have suggestions we would be honored to provide. Blessings dear family!

  8. Praying trust and assurance for you and that you are able to take things one day at a time (you can do anything for just a day, right?) You’ve been through so much and come so far. And I don’t mean to be annoying, but I really do pray that you come to find that you are not supposed to be able to do this all in your own strength ;-). I don’t expect you to all of a sudden feel 100% certain about what you believe, but maybe just trusting that there is something bigger than yourself out there that is going through this with you and that you are able to hand some of it over. Much love~ michelle

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