I feel like I don’t have a lot to say tonight. Ronan hasn’t gotten out of bed, except to use the bathroom, since we got here on Sunday. He says his legs are hurting and does not want to walk around, go to the playroom, or anything. I tried all day to get him out of bed. I’m sure a lot of this is due to all of the pain he is in from his surgery and just feeling crummy that he is in the hospital. He has been playing with his Star Wars guys, on my iPad, watching Mickey Mouse, and we have been reading a lot of books. I did get him to giggle tonight which I really needed. I downloaded a book for him on my iPad that has Grover in it and he thought it was hilarious. He has been really sweet, but really quiet which is not my little guy. The chemo finally started this evening. It took a few hours to get him hydrated before so it was around 5:00 p.m. before it got started. He is sleeping now and I am praying that he continues to sleep without getting sick to his stomach.
Sarah came to the hospital for a few hours this morning so I could run home and shower and do a little bit of laundry. Ronan was happy to see her and didn’t even put up a fuss when I left. She is so good with him and he loves her. It was nice to get out of the hospital for a few hours just to be at home. Felt a little sad and empty though. I try not to remember my old life too much anymore because it hurts so much. I am mostly just numb to everything and going through the motions. It’s all I can do right now. I am trying to come up with a way to make this whole isolation thing easier on everybody. I worry about Liam and Quinn a lot. I am thinking I can set up Skype and do things like help with them with their homework, etc…. I miss doing normal things like that with them and I worry that they are going to suffer. They are at an age where they are going to remember this time in their life and I am trying to figure out how we can make this into something that makes them stronger little men. Woody took Liam and Quinn to the Suns basketball game tonight with their entire basketball team. They called me when it was over and they were on their way home. I heard Quinn tell Woody it was one of the best nights of his life. I am so glad they had such a good time, but hearing him say that felt like I had just been slapped in the face. Bittersweet. It was one of the best nights of his life, and I wasn’t there. Makes me sad. All the time.
My girlfriends keep telling me they are going to kidnap me soon to take me out for an unbirthday celebration. I love them all so much, but I honestly feel like burying myself in a hole and never coming out. Hospital depression maybe? Or maybe just sad because my baby has cancer. I know things with Ronan could not be going better, but I am the one who has to watch everyday as he suffers and goes through what he is going through. It is the hardest thing to see and watch; and all day long I push my fear and sadness away to be happy and strong for him. Nights get me, when he is asleep and I have nothing to do but sit with my thoughts and watch him sleep, praying that every little whimper he makes is not due to any pain he is feeling. I will have to watch him closely tonight. This round of chemo is nasty stuff. I’ve gotten so good at the “cancer lingo,” and knowing what exactly the side effects are. Words like, Vincristine, Doxorubicin, and Cyclophosphamide, roll off of my tongue with such ease as if I’ve known them entire life. They are now words that I will never forget, no matter how hard I try.
Alright, that is all for tonight. I am going to get out my own head before it’s too late and I can’t get my thoughts under control. G’nite, sweetest dreams to all of you.
Ronan’s counts are not high enough to start chemo this week. What does this mean?? It means a lot… his surgery date will now have to be changed, as well as our flight out to New York. Trying not to stress too much… everything happens for a reason, right?? We will now get to spend Thanksgiving together as a family at our dear friends’, The Kotaliks. We will go back into the clinic on Monday to have his levels checked again. They have to be up…. we need to get his chemo started as soon as possible. I am going to relax and try to stay calm about this. Things will work out. I am going to take this as a very good sign that we were meant to all be together on Thanksgiving and I am very thankful for that alone.
On a good note, Ronan has gained 2 pounds this week! That is huge for such a little guy:) Mama has been feeding him well!!
Have a beautiful and blessed turkey day!! xoxo
P.S. I heart Tina Fey and this made me laugh.
I spent today enjoying everything to the fullest. Woody and I made a big breakfast together for the boys, Mimi and Papa; who came over to take Liam and Quinn to get their flu shots. I ran some errands alone which was nice. I then met Woody over at The Village to watch Liam and Quinn’s basketball game which was the highlight of my week. Danielle, her amazing boyfriend, Dave, and Trish came to watch as well. It was such a great game and I found myself laughing and cheering the entire time. The twins played awesome… it was like a switch flipped and all of a sudden they get it. They were hustling up and down the court, throwing great passes, guarding their guys, they each made a basket and played with the most heart that I have ever seen them play with. I was grinning ear to ear watching them and seeing how much fun they were having. The most beautiful sight that I have seen in a long time. I loved sitting with my sweet friends too and hearing them laugh and cheer right a long with me. Liam and Quinn were so excited to have an audience<3 I wish I would have recorded it all but it will forever be engrained in my brain. There is nothing like watching your kids flourish at something they love. My heart is sooooo happy today. I feel like a whole new person…. well, maybe more like the older version of myself; someone that I love and miss so very much.
After the basketball game, Trish and I went to Chestnut Lane for some lunch and girl talk. There is nothing like time with my bestie. It was nice to catch her up on some things that have been going on and to get to talk about our Marisa who just had her sweet baby boy, Max. I am so excited to see her and meet the newest little member of our inner circle. I am going to try to go to the hospital tomorrow to check in on them and to give Marisa the big hug that I have been saving for her. I’ve been missing her so much. Trish and I ran a couple of errands over at the mall and then we parted ways. It felt good to be out today, with her by my side. I even managed not to be bothered by being out in public. I am feeling stronger than I have in a very long time. I’m chalking it up to a very big weight being lifted off of my shoulders and the fact that Woody and I have really been enjoying each other lately. I have been missing spending time with him, doing all the little things that we used to do. Even just cooking breakfast together this morning was so therapeutic.
Tonight Mimi, Woody, and I all made a big turkey dinner together at our house. The boys played board games with Papa while we got everything ready. Ronan was pretty tired but ran around the entire night. He didn’t nap today so he finally fell asleep around 8. His energy amazes me. He had a few tantrums today…. I hate seeing him so angry. I know that anger is usually a secondary emotion so I am wondering what the first one is that he is feeling…. could be fear, or even pain. I hope he is not hurting physically and that is what is causing him to be so mad. I ask him all the time if he is hurting and he always tells me no. He has such a high tolerance for pain though so I can’t always trust what he says. I just pray that his little body is not hurting… that would break my heart. He is going through enough with everything and if he is feeling any of this, well, I don’t even have words to express how that would make me feel. All I can do is pray, watch him, and take the best care of him that I possibly can.
I am going to curl up with Woody and watch Saturday Night Live in a bit. Auntie Karen’s close friends daughter, Emma Stone, is hosting tonight. (GO EMMA!!!)You all should watch if you stay up that late. She is such a talented little thing and I love watching her in movies. She was amazing in “Zombieland.” One of my favorites:)
I hope you all have a beautiful weekend full of love and thankfulness. It is easy to get caught up in things that are not worth our time or energy, but it is even easier to just let some things go and live a life full of being true to ourselves. I know days like today are not going to come along very often for me for a while. I am going to have more bad days than good; which is a huge reason why I will forever cherish and remember today. The feeling of complete happiness is so easily taken for granted, but so easy to achieve when you know what really matters most in life.