I hope this will be the last un-birthday i ever have to have

Writing from my iPhone tonight….. So hang in there.
1.11.11 will be a birthday I will never forget. It started off
early with a “Happy Birthday, young lady,” along with a big hug
from a good friend. After that, I called Tricia and was sad to hear
the way her voice sounded. She was pissed at the world today and
upset that I was having an un-birthday. All she wanted was for our
lives to be normal and to celebrate me the way we have for 6 years
now. I listened to her yell and cry, and I cried with her. She
talked about how the time in New York meant so much to her, how she
felt like she finally got her best friend back, and how she was
scared she was going to lose me again. I wish I could have
reassured her today, but I couldn’t. I told her how scared I was
too…. because I can already tell the old Maya is fading away. I
can feel myself slipping back into my protective shell that I tend
to create when I’m scared, depressed, or sad. It’s easier to be in
here alone. I spent the rest of the morning with Ronan, who pretty
much stayed in bed the whole morning and afternoon. My friend, Pam
came by and so did Wood. Playroom Cathy from PCH came in and
brought me a slice of cake and a cupcake. Made me smile and was so
thoughtful of her to do. I went home for a bit and slept then
showered. Woody and the boys took me to Chelsea’s for a quick
birthday dinner. I couldn’t even enjoy it…. I felt so anxious the
entire time. It was like I was watching the world around me in slow
motion and my world has stopped while everybody else’s is moving
full speed ahead. It’s hard for me to be back in Phoenix, around
all of our familiar things. It’s was easy to be in New York because
it was such a change of pace and a distraction. We were told today
that when Ronan starts his transplant and isolation, it is only
myself or Woody who is allowed in the room the entire time. Nobody
else can come or go, Ronan can’t see Liam or Quinn, and Woody and I
really shouldn’t be leaving the room at all. I told Woody that I
would handle the weeks and he could do weekends. I’d better get
creative on how I’m going to channel my energy. Getting Ronan
through it will be enough for me to focus on. I’m scared to death
and once again, I can’t believe Ro has to go through so much. My
precious baby boy….. I will be sorry to him for the rest of my
life. Tonight, I am sad and throwing myself a pity party. It’s my
un birthday and I can cry if I want to. Worst birthday of my life.
I should be at home, snuggled in bed with Woody, while all 3 of our
healthy boys are sound asleep. I should not be at a hospital
staring at the bald head of my baby. I do have some good news to
share. Ronan’s infection ended up not being an infection in his
broviac line. They think it was just a surface infection which
means he stopped his antibiotics and we get to go home this weekend
after chemo!!! So happy for that. We will start his chemo tomorrow
morning. It’s the last round for my baby! Tonight, when the clock
turns 11:11; my dear Becky Jo told me I get to make 11 wishes. Can
you guess what I’m going to wish for??? I’m sure you can. It’s the
only thing I want in the world. Thank you to all of you today who
left me great un-birthday messages via phone, texts, emails,
Facebook, or on this blog. I do feel so blessed to have so many
people in my life who love me..even at my worst. Sweet dreams to
you all! xo P.S. A special I love you to my New York Miss Macy.
Thank you for going out to the restaurant we were supposed to be at
tonight and thank you for celebrating me even though I couldn’t be
there. But most of all, thank you for making my side hurt from
laughing at the funniest story ever. A perfect ending to a
seriously shitty birthday!!!! Love you so much. You crack me up!!!

Look at what my Fernanda did for me tonight and then sent me a picture of. Thank you for this. Made my night.

8 thoughts on “I hope this will be the last un-birthday i ever have to have”

  1. During the transplant, Lisa and I did 24 hour turns so that we could really focus and be with Wil fully…mentally, physically, emotionally. It was also nice to then have a full 24 hours off and be away from the hospital setting to regroup and recharge. During the transplant process, we were with Wil one hundred percent of the time and never left his side which for many reasons was incredibly important. Sounds like everything is moving along well and right on target in the protocol. Good for Ronan!

  2. Dearest,
    no un-birthday! my special wishes to you for your birthday, whether it is a crappy time or not. You are here screaming and kicking for your baby. celeberate the day of your birth. becos you are special and that day is special. I know these are hard tmes but soon this will fade and be replaced with happy memories. My prayers to Ronan for this last round of chemo. And my wishes and prayers sent for you and your family too. This will be ok. Take care and be strong in faith and love. You are a very strong mother and we applaud you and pray for you to be that way for all times. God bless!
    lovingly,
    Suba Dhinakar
    2854 east pony court
    gilbert 85295

  3. Maya, I will be remembering you in prayer..especially since things are going into a new phase of your walk and you may not feel like you have won all the battles but you will win this war. Speak to Maya of Your love Lord and strengthen her, in Jesus name.

  4. Dearest Maya~

    Like many others we have never met… yet you and your family especially your amazingly beautiful son Ronan have forever touched my heart in the most inspiring way. As a mother of two young children I could never imagine the pain, heartache, and struggles that you face on a day by day, minute by minute basis. However you are one of the strongest women and mother’s that I have ever encountered. I want you to know that you inspire me daily to be the best mom possible, to always count my blessings, and to live for today I know too that you inspire other mommy’s all around the world. Your probably thinking it still doesn’t change your current situation and it’s still not fair and you are right!! It absolutely sucks that such a beautiful little guy should have to go through this hell, but just know that people all around the world are pulling for Ronan every minute of the day!! Although you had a horrible birthday just know that as long as we all keep praying and believing in Ronan, this will be the last un-birthday ever!!! I think about you daily and little Ronan will forever be in my prayers.

    Nichole

  5. Me too!! Last un-birthday ever! Next year on your birthday, Ronan will be running around with a head full of hair 🙂 I have prayed and prayed for Ro to get out of the hospital early to go home. So glad the infection wasn’t as bad as they thought. Hoping and praying he feels good, laughs a lot, that the transplant goes wonderfully, and that you get your wish of course….for Ronan to kick cancer and never, ever have to look back!!

  6. I picked up a “Rockstar Ronan” card at the Green Cleaners, and I’ve been reading your blog for a while now. My husband had an autologous stem cell transplant about 3 years ago. He’s well and happy, now. I want you to know that I know what you are in for, and it isn’t easy. But I also wanted you to know that it will be so worth it when it’s all done. This whole thing is beyond shitty, but you are almost there, my friend…All of your sadness, your “pity partying,” is very healthy stuff for you-you’re getting it out and you’re not trying to “stoic it out.” I am thinking about you and your family and sending you all good things. You are strong, Maya, even if you feel like you aren’t or you just don’t want to be. You are doing great, however much it sucks, and believe me, I know it sucks!

    Take Care,

    Allison

  7. Maya,
    I am really touched by your blog. I’ve begun reading it start to finish, mostly in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep and have a few minutes to myself. I have a two-year-old son who is a cancer survivor. He was diagnosed with clear cell sarcoma of the kidney at 12 months on May 24, 2011. His prognosis is very good but I know we are so lucky for that and there are too many innocent children like your beautiful Ro who don’t fare so well. I know that but for the grace of God, so goes our family. I guess I’m commenting on this post because I kind of identify especially with it. Simon had his tumor and kidney out on my birthday, May 27th. That was my un-birthday. I’m pretty much a home body but that year my favorite band was in town playing on my birthday and I was so excited to see them. Instead, I got the best gift ever, getting that tumor out of my son. I don’t even remember my birthday this year. Next year I’m turning 40 which depresses me to no end. I think I’m done with birthdays.

    My heart goes out to you. I thank you for all you do for this noble cause. It’s now October and I get angry and sick to my stomach at all the pink. My mom is a breast cancer survivor. Her mom died from the disease. One of my cousins is also a survivor. I get that breast cancer is a serious thing. But all the pink ribbon nonsense isn’t even about awareness or funding. Does anyone at this point really need reminding about breast cancer? It’s all about the bandwagon. I dream of the day when the gold ribbon and September have half the support breast cancer gets. Our children are worth it. No family should have to go through their child having cancer. Thank you again.

    -Gretchen

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