I have so much to say tonight that I don’t even know where to start. I guess I’ll just begin by catching you all up on what we’ve been doing.
Yesterday, Woody and I had the chance to walk the city a little by ourselves. We did a little Christmas shopping for the boys since we haven’t gotten them anything yet. After that, all three boys came back to the Ronald McDonald House with us for the night. Ronan was in heaven, and it was so nice to all be together as a family.
I had a few little issues with Quinn that were concerning me. He was very moody, crying a lot, and really disrespectful to me, which is so not the child we have raised. I am trying to be patient with him, but I am also not going to baby him and give him his way when he’s asking for soda at 9:00 at night and then freaks out because I won’t give it to him. I told Woody that I needed some one-on-one time with him the next day because I could tell he was in desperate need of it. He is hurting, he is confused, and he is scared. It kills me in every way, shape, and form. I cannot stand seeing my child this way. Someone who used to be so carefree and not have a care in the world has now had his entire life turned upside down. I don’t get to be a mom to him very much anymore. It is all so unfair.
Today, Quinn put up a little bit of a fuss, but I told him we were spending the entire day together, and that is precisely what we did. We bundled up and walked the streets of New York together. We had a great breakfast and a very good talk. I tried my best to have a real heart-to-heart with him. I told him that I am his mom, and even though I don’t get to be with him as much right now, that will never change. I told him that when I tell him something he doesn’t like, he needs to be respectful of what I’m saying because it’s for a good reason. I told him how unfair this all is and how he has every right to be mad, sad, scared, and confused—and that he can come to me with anything he is feeling.
I also told him that just because I spend so much time with Ronan, it does not mean I love him more. He listened, smiled, and told me Ronan having cancer makes him nervous. I explained why we are in New York City—not for a vacation, but because they have the best doctors here who are going to get him better. After our big talk, we headed to Dylan’s Candy Shop. Nothing like a little candy to make everything feel better. We had a great day together, and I could tell it meant a lot to him. It’s been such a long time since I’ve gotten to spend quality time with him. I refuse to let all of the parenting I’ve done be undone just because I’m not around. I have worked way too hard for that to happen.
Ronan, Liam, and Woody spent the day together at FAO Schwarz. It was good for them. We all met up later in the day, and then Ronan, Quinn, Woody, and I came back to the Ronald McDonald House to hang out. I was having a lot of anxiety once we got back. I’m still having a hard time accepting our reality. I let Woody take the boys downstairs to enjoy a party they were having, and I decided to go on a little run.
My little run turned into a 12-mile run. I feel like I could have run an entire marathon. I ran up to Central Park in the dark. If you had asked me six months ago if I would have run through Central Park alone in the dark, I would have told you no way. Surely I would have been mugged, raped, or even murdered. Tonight, I laughed out loud at that thought. My kid has fucking cancer; none of those fears even register anymore.
It was exactly what I needed. So therapeutic. So painful. So raw. Every inch of my body hurt, but I welcomed the pain. It is nice to feel physical pain instead of the pain I feel 24 hours a day. A different kind of pain. It hurt so badly that it felt good. I am figuring this city out through my runs. I will know it like the back of my hand in no time. This will be my therapy while I am here, and Central Park will be my church.
I did a lot of talking to the gods, the stars, and the moon above on my run. It was good for my head, and it was so gorgeous. I don’t regret many things in my life, but one of them will always be not living here. I was so close to going to NYU after high school. This city is my kind of place—a place everyone should experience. It is going to heal me, heal Ronan, and it will always have a special place in my heart. I vow that one day I will own a place here. It is a city that feeds my soul.
I spent the night taking care of Ronan while Woody, Mimi, and Quinn went to see “Elf” on Broadway. Woody wanted me to go instead of him, but my anxiety went through the roof as soon as I pictured all of the people I would be surrounded by in a confined space. I can’t do things like that anymore. I told him I would have to take my Xanax just to get through it. I opted to stay here with Ronan, who has been such a handful. Oy vey. Maybe I should have gone to “Elf.”
That post was from last night. I’ve been having Wi-Fi issues, which is why there has been a lack of updates. Sorry! It’s been driving me crazy, but hopefully we’ll get it taken care of. We are at Sloan all day today doing another stem cell collection. The days here have been very busy, and this week is packed. I will keep you updated as best as possible. Just know that we are loving New York, feel very blessed to be here, and are taking things one day at a time.
Love you all. Have a beautiful Monday.
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