I heart Pamela White

Today was busy. I spent most of the day prepping for our Channel 12 news interview. Mama, ready. Boys ready. House ready. Check, check, check. I’m a perfectionist when it comes to things like this. It was surprisingly very laid back. Woody and I sat at our dining room table and Ann, the interviewer, asked us questions about Ronan and our situation. I held it together as much as I could and put on my bravest face. We kept it very positive and to the point. I think I did at one point catch myself saying how this is every parents worst nightmare. What can I say, I wear my heart on my sleeve. It is and everybody should know that. Nobody, as a parent wants to go what we are going through. Woody did most of the talking… the Mr. Attorney came out and it was a good thing. What can I say, the man has a way with words… it’s what he does for a living. Lin Sue Cooney is going to go over it, edit things, and will let us know when it will air. Any exposure we can get is good exposure. We truly belive in the power of prayers and positive thinking. It just has to work<3 Life cannot be just so black and white.

After the interview Woody left and went back to the office. Ronan was tired and fell asleep in my arms for a little bit. When he woke up, he was in one of his moods. He ran to my room for no reason, started slamming the door and screaming at the top of his lungs. I let him scream things out for about 15 minutes and then I sat down in front of the door and tried to talk to him. He kept telling me he hated me and I was mean. I sat there and let him yell at me while trying to rationalize with him. Then the hitting started. I let him hit me and get his frustration out. I sat on the ground and cried the entire time. After about 10 minutes of this, he crawled in my lap and cried with me. Quinn saw everything, and came and held my hand and kept telling me everything was o.k. That may have been the lowest point of my life thus this far. Today, I watched my 7-year-old become a man because mommy was too sad to pull it together and be strong. I felt proud and sad all at the same time. Proud because  I am watching Quinn grow up, and I know what an amazing adult he is going to be. Sad because no 7-year-old should have to witness their mom crying so hard that she can’t stop or get up off of the floor. Quinn, Ronan and I sat on the ground for a good 20 minutes and held each other and I finally was able to stop crying. Liam was off playing with my iPad and had no idea what was going on. Sometimes I wonder if he really gets it, but chooses to ignore it all. Maybe it’s his way of coping with all of this. That boy is too smart not to understand what is going on. I’m content to let him just be. He seems to be doing the best out of everyone. Woody came home after that and I got a break and went out to dinner with my new friend, Pamela White.

Dinner with her could not have come at a better time. I really needed some time out and Pam could not have been a better date. Her little girl, Victoria, had cancer when she was 3. So Pam has been through everything I am going through and feeling. She has such wisdom and compassion and is very comforting to me. She also cracks me up, which as you know, is one of my favorite qualities in a person. Victoria is beautiful, healthy, and a survivor. Ronan is going to follow in her footsteps. Tonight, with tears in her eyes, my beautiful new friend pulled out something from her purse for me. It is a bracelet that was given to her by a friend right when Victoria was diagnosed. Pam wore it everyday up until Victoria had the port taken out of her chest. Pam gave it to me tonight and I will wear it everyday until Ronan is healed. It was one of the most thoughtful and meaningful things that somebody has ever done for me. I will wear this and think of Victoria and her amazing family everyday. It will give me the strength and courage that I need to get through this.

I came home to all of the boys asleep and Woody playing some new PS3 game with his headset on and his friends online playing with him. I love to see him doing things that he used to do and just letting everything go. It is good for him to be able to decompress and unwind. Ronan is sound asleep in my bed and I am going to snuggle up to him for the night. It is my most favorite time of day. There is nothing sweeter than cuddling with my baby boy.

A split second

Everything can change in an instant. One minute my baby is sleeping peacefully next to me, the next minute he is awake screaming and slamming doors. As i try to comfort him, he takes his hand and slaps me as hard as he can in the face. Shocked, I do the only thing I can do which is leave the room, go sit in a dark corner and cry. He finds me and screams over and over that I am mean. Woody comes in and takes over, working his magic on Ronan. Back in bed, the tears are hot still streaming down my face and my cheek burns from where he slapped me. None of that pain compares to the feeling of my heart being broken. Why can’t I wake up from this awful nightmare? This pain and sadness cannot possibly be real; it is too much to handle. Nobody deserves this, especially Ronan. Please, somebody, make him better. Is anybody listening? I just want my baby back.