I have nobody to compare Ronan to, really. But is this how every child with stage 4 cancer acts?? Running around all day long. Eating like a horse. Laughing and acting like he is the happiest child on the planet. Having adult conversations with me and saying things like,”I love my brothers so much!” He seems as healthy as ever which is a big reason Woody is holding up so well. When you see the way Ronan is, you can’t help but think that there is no way this disease will win. Nights are hard for me. Watching Ronan sleep tears me up inside because I know what is going on inside his body. He looks so peaceful, sweet and vulnerable. Days are easier because I get to watch him running around and acting like himself. Nights are awful. There is nothing good about the nights anymore. When and if I fall asleep, my dreams are filled with horrific nightmares. They always involve Ronan. I try to think of happy things before I fall asleep but nothing seems to work. I can’t escape my reality, even in my dreams.
Today, Ronan and I spent the day at home. We kept busy playing all day long. He was upset that Liam and Quinn were at school and kept saying he wanted them home. I tried to explain to him the reason that Liam and Quinn had to go to school all day but he wasn’t having it. He just wanted them home to play with him. We spent the rest of the day cooking beef barley soup out of the chemotherapy cook book that I bought. It was one of the recipes in it. Ronan ate a huge dinner of gnocchi and beef barley soup. I swear that kid is eating more than me nowadays. His appetite is huge.
Tonight, I took my sweet friend, Lindsey to dinner for her birthday. I always love spending time with her. We had a quiet dinner and a few laughs. It was nice to get out of the house for an hour after being home all day. I am trying to get caught up on everything that I have piling up. Being at the clinic all last week and not getting anything done around the house is taking a toll. Tonight while I was at dinner, I came home to a big pile of stuff on my side of the bed, on the floor. Woody is calling it my “hoarding pile.” He took the liberty of taking everything that has been strown about the house and put it in a big huge pile for me. I have been cracking up about it all night. It’s driving him crazy. He keeps saying he knows my hoarding pile is just going to get bigger and bigger. It’s already driving me crazy so the hoarding pile will have to be taken care of tomorrow. I’m sure it will take me all day to go through everything properly and put it in it’s right place. I love that I have a plan for tomorrow though. I’m a girl who loves a plan:)
After I got home from dinner I tried to spend some more time with Liam and Quinn. I miss my buddies so much. There is not enough time in the day anymore. They have grown up so much in this past month and I feel like I am missing out on it. Quinn has been complaining of headaches at night. I will have to take him to the doctor this week to have him checked out. Woody and I both think it’s more due to him being so worried about his baby brother. He wears his heart on his sleeve and it is easy to tell what he is thinking and feeling. Before Ronan fell asleep tonight we cuddled and watched the BBC series, “Earth.” He was loving it and was cracking up at all the animals. I covered up his eyes for the scary parts like the great white eating the seal. Little guy does not need to see that. He fell asleep laughing, smiling, and holding my hand. Ronan is still feeling well. I am pray every night that he wakes up in the morning and is feeling great. All this will be so much easier to go through the less Ronan has to suffer. Sweet baby boy.